I gave him the finger, but then smiled. Austin had endured many nights of me oversharing and hashing out what I needed to do next. I even told him about my deal with Mercy.
When Ruffian came out of his room, he looked more comfortable, but also intimidating. His shoulders were huge. He held his hand out to me and I took it. He twisted it and placed a kiss on my knuckles.
Austin cleared his throat, but Ruffian didn’t let go of my hand.
We had food ready to roll and I felt the ease of the tension. I couldn’t help but think we would have all been better if Ruffian had let us be involved and visited him.
It was like he could read my mind, because he raised his hand. “Hey, guys. Can I just say a few things?”
We all quieted down.
“I just—I feel like I have to tell you that I really appreciate all you’ve done in the past and now, and I kept my distance to try to let you get some distance from me.” He shook his head and his hair fell in his eyes. “I didn’t want to bring shame on you. And I feel like I brought this stigma on you. And I’m sorry.”
Gaze stood from his chair and put his hand on Ruffian’s shoulder. “Water under the bridge, man. We’re just happy you’re back.”
I hoped he knew it was true. This family wasn’t about holding grudges or highlighting your worst mistakes. It was to be here for each other.
Ronna dabbed at her eyes. Mike cleared his throat. “We’re proud to have you. And we just want you to know you will always have a place here. We consider ourselves your family.”
Austin offered, “For better or for worse, my brother.”
Ruffian nodded. Gaze took his seat and Pixie reached for Ruffian’s hand.
Pizza dinner with ice cream cones seemed perfect. And I knew what I had to do at two a.m.
RUFFIAN
GAZE AND I spent some time in the living room, just talking about what was next. For now, it was to get resettled in with the Burathons. Teddi was in school. Gaze’s school. He’d graduated in the time I was in jail, but she’d taken a spot at his and Pixie’s old school and had her friends living with her now. She was home for the weekend.
She’d marched on without me, and I knew in my head that made sense. My heart wanted to believe where I left her on the night of the dance, was right where she stayed until just a few hours ago.
Hell, we’d kissed and everything, but I didn’t ask her if she was dating someone. That would be a normal thing to ask someone. But she loved me. She said so. And she was still wearing the necklace.
Gaze waved a hand in front of my face. “You okay?”
“Oh…Yeah, sorry. It’s just a lot to process. I kind of thought I’d be spending tonight back behind the stores in Midiville.” I plucked at Gaze’s sweatshirt.
“I know you’re an adult now, or well, the courts consider you one.”
“I’m almost twenty now, so yeah. I mean, it made sense to not really nail down the birthday for the courts, but Mom always knew when she had me.” I looked upstairs because I heard the murmur of Teddi’s voice.
She was right here in this house with me. And I was free. Really free. Well, I had to check in with a parole officer and do a bunch of community service, but I was out of jail. I had a whole future to consider. Which was overwhelming when I had spent so much time preparing myself to never see the outside world again.
I heard her trotting down the stairs and felt my smile light up in response to hers.
She came and sat next to me on the couch. “Hey.” I put my arm around her, and she kissed my cheek. “Can I borrow you for a few? I have a meeting and I would love for you to be a part of it.”
“Anything.” I stood up and followed her out to the driveway. After excusing ourselves, we waved to everyone and promised to be back before it was too late.
Teddi had a little Altima now, and she hit the door locks to let us in. After we were buckled, she put the car in gear.
“You must have a million questions.” She turned toward me at the stop sign before leaning over to kiss my lips.
“I probably do, but you’re scrambling my brain.” I put my hand on her leg, just wanting to touch her.
“Okay, I have a recap for you.” She focused on the drive while she filled me in on everything that happened in the past.
“First, the money from the sale of the stolen goods stayed with your people.” She gave me a look and I felt a big weight off my shoulders. At least they didn’t have to go to court or anything.
“Peaches and Taylor live with me in college. Gaze and Pixie are in their own apartment and are considering starting a business together. Both of them want to run a mom and pop store closer to Poughkeepsie. Austin’s working almost exclusively with a beauty brand on their social media now and he consults. Milt is working on a kickstarter for his dream game development with his friends. And things are going well.”
“How’s Betty?” I knew it was important that I asked, but I was petrified of the answer.
“Betty? In remission over six months. They say it’s a miracle considering the type and stage of cancer she had. She’s a sweetheart.”
“Oh, sweet Lord. I’m so grateful.” I ran my hands through my hair.
“She’s great. Still asks about you and I think she would’ve been thrilled to see you in the prince costume again.” She merged into traffic. We were clearly headed for Poughkeepsie.
“I’ll do whatever that little sunshine needs me to do.” I meant it. I really wanted to see her again. I’d been afraid that the disease had taken her.
We pulled into a parking lot that had construction in it. “So back when you did the robbery, I had to figure out some way to pay back the money we owed the pawn shop.”
“We owed? That was all me, pretty lady.” I leaned forward a little as she parked.
“Not how I saw it. And not how Mercy saw it.” She reached in the backseat and got some of her ever-present file folders. One thing I hadn’t considered was if the mobsters I had worked a deal with would have some beef to pick with the Burathons.
“Mercy? You dealt with him?” The fearsome man with the skull for a face was terrifying.
We both got out of the car, slamming our doors almost in tandem.
“Oh yeah. You will, too. We are all in for this.” She moved a blue tarp aside and we were in a strip mall store that had been gutted.
The very guys I made a deal with years ago sat around in various beat-up folding chairs. Teddi went from one to the next, hugging them like they were cousins at a family reunion. I was introduced. Mercy (skull man), Havoc (tiger tattoos popping out of his sleeves), and clean-cut Lock who seemed to be watching every exit at the same time.
I went from one to the other and shook their hands after they stood to hug Teddi.
It was surreal having Teddi turn these fearsome guys into basically playmates.
“You good?” Havoc leaned closer to me.
“I’m cool.” I tried to figure out where we were and what the hell we were doing here.
“You had friends on the inside, right? Gizmo and Oak?” He knew a lot about me.
“Yeah.” Teddi was talking to Mercy and pointing in various areas, then referring to her notes. It didn’t look like a drug deal or whatever else she was doing to “pay back” my crime. “You’ve got that little lady to thank for it.” He nodded toward Teddi who had a million-watt smile on Lock.
“How’s that?” I turned away from the scene in front of me to look up at him.
“Some women? They are a force to be reckoned with. My girl. Lock’s girl. And Mercy’s lady. They can change your world if you let them.” He gave me a wink and a slow smile.
This seemed like good advice, but I wasn’t sure if it was really a threat. I was used to things meaning a couple of things at once. Prison made you skeptical. Being homeless took away being sure of pretty much anything but your own actions.
But if Teddi was tied into it, I was going with her. Even if it was an anchor in a storm. We went together. I knew tha
t.
“Are you ready?” Teddi came to stand next to me.
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me. Lock went over to a lump covered in thick white plastic.
He yanked it off and pushed it to the side.
A sign.
IVY LUCY LAWSON
I literally felt the emotion catch in my throat. I coughed around it. “What’s going on?”
Teddi stepped in front of me. “This is how we pay it back. I’m gonna run a nonprofit for the Me Parties out of the front half of the storefront, and out the back?”
Mercy stepped forward. “We want a place to send people where they don’t have to fill out an application, don’t have to prove they are down on their luck. There’s a place for that, but sometimes you need a place without red tape.”
Mercy gestured with his tattooed hand at my mother’s name. “We’re going to be counting on you to manage that end.”
Havoc’s deep voice was next. He went close to the sign and polished a corner. “You can’t do it without a degree. Oak told me you took enough classes to almost get your associate degree.”
I had to close my mouth. I realized the shock of it all had left it hanging open. “Uh. Yeah.”
“Get a degree in something useful. You and Teddi are going to run this. We need a few tax write-offs, so this is what you’ll do.” Havoc touched his palms together.
“One point two million dollars worth?” I put my hands on my knees. None of this sounded like the other shoe falling. Like the punishment a guy like Mercy would dole out for crossing him.
He tilted his head. “This is not normally how we do business, but she’s special.” He did a little elbow in Teddi’s direction and she blushed.
“So here’s the next thing.” Teddi seemed uncomfortable with the praise on her and pointed to the spot beyond the sign. Mercy listened to her like she was a respected scholar.
Lock stood next to me. I wasn’t sure if he was there to make sure I didn’t run, but he tipped back and forth from his toes to his heels.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I said mostly to myself, but Lock responded.
“She’s one of his now. She’s on his radar. I wouldn’t fuck up. You’re fine, but she’s covered for life. But you do what you gotta.” Lock took out his phone and checked a message.
Teddi walked over to me and gestured to where she wanted to have a warm dry place with comfortable beds for emergency stays. Under my mother’s name.
Mercy walked over to Havoc as Teddi went to her tiptoes. “This isn’t too much for you, is it? Maybe I should have explained first.”
“Hey.” I could see it in her. The entire universe of kindness that lived in her. She was doing so much and yet wanted to do more. “You’re perfect.”
I touched her cheek. She leaned into my hand. “I just want to make sure you don’t feel like you have to go to jail to save your people’s hardship. We can do it together.”
I pulled her to me, hugging her hard. I felt grounded in the space. With her in my arms the impossible had been turned into a possibility. A future. Plans. Under my mother’s name.
It was almost too good to be true, but when Teddi was involved, I was willing to take that risk.
_______________
AFTER WE LEFT Mercy, Havoc, and Lock—now known as Nix, Animal, and well, still Lock—Teddi wasn’t done with me. We had to eat, so the diner was a stop. We had so much to catch up on. I kept apologizing. Pushing her away wasn’t keeping her away from my influence. She made what I wanted to do a priority either way.
The Me Parties were in low gear while Teddi put her head down and got her degree in communications. I was thinking that either communications or law might be the way for me to help the most. I loved the idea of helping moms keep their kids. But again, the future. It was limitless with Teddi.
After we ate, she drove me to our next location. She teased me about faking having a license when we lived together and I gritted my teeth when I thought of how much more trouble we could have been in.
We were parked in a spot under a fancy apartment building for a few minutes before I got up the guts to ask her the thing I wanted to know the most. “You’re not dating anyone?”
I never wanted to be disrespectful.
“In my head I’m still dating you.” She looked at the floor instead of my face.
“Good.” I used my knuckle to lift her chin. “Because I couldn’t take it any other way.” I pulled her into my arms and hugged her. “You did so much. Thank you.”
“You came back to me. Thank you.” She hugged me back like I was a gift. Like she was thrilled to have me.
“You’re a ride, Teddi Burathon. I’m incredibly excited to see what you do next.” I leaned down and kissed her.
She returned my kiss. We had an entire night. No rush. No cops coming. And I would take advantage of it.
TEDDI
IT TOOK SUPERHUMAN strength to pull myself away from him. But I knew things would be much, much better in private.
I had a small bag of essentials that he took from me. We passed the doorman with a nod. He recognized me and smiled.
I was still getting used to how much there was of Ruffian now. He’d taken these two years and turned into a man, a stubbly scruff on his jaw, the angle there sharper now instead of being boyish. The doors of the elevator closed. I felt his arms and they were corded with muscle. His chest was hard and well-defined. He had been on a mission to bulk up, clearly.
Ruffian watched as my hands explored. Then, he lifted me easily, and it felt like he could hold me forever. So many times in the last two years I’d doubled what my heart knew. That he was good. That he was mine and that I needed to wait for him. I was glad my body had made my decision and not let my doubts make any decisions for me.
The doors slid open and we readjusted ourselves. He set me on my feet. His gaze was laser focused on my face, so I had to navigate us both to Austin’s apartment.
I tried twice to open the door with the key, my hands shaking a bit. Instead of taking the key from me, Ruffian stepped forward and opened up his arrow lock pick. We were in the apartment in no time. I set my keys onto the table by the door and let my phone lie there as well.
I pulled at his shirt. I wanted to see his skin. He removed his shirt in one easy motion.
He had a simple line drawing of a teddy bear over his heart. It wasn’t professional, but it wowed me. I traced the lines with my fingertip.
He covered my hand. “I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said it once, no need to say it again. Let go of that guilt.” I kissed his hand.
The scent of him was permanently registered somewhere in my skin, reminding me of the taste of his lips.
Flashes of it came back to me.
The zap.
It rolled through my muscle memory. And all at once, waiting for him didn’t seem like the craziest idea. The way his eyes and mine met made something inside of me real. The current between us felt more like fate and destiny pushing us together. Like the act of us intertwined was a necessity to make the sun rise and the moon set.
Too much. If I wrote it all down, it would feel silly, melodramatic, but it was more real than color. It was more real than a gasp of air.
I climbed the stairs to Austin’s guest room and felt Ruffian walking behind me. Gentle touches, fingertips on my calves, palm on my hip. Calming me. Starting this. Again.
When I went to kick off my flats at the end of the bed, Ruffian held up his index finger.
“Please.” He took to one knee and lifted my foot from my first shoe and set it aside, then my other shoe.
He ran his hands up and down my legs hypnotically, leaning forward to take gentle nips and kisses.
Again, zap. No words, just touch. And I could hear him in my head as if he was screaming.
Missed you.
Loved you.
Need you.
I fisted his hair in my hands before leaning over him, rubbing my fingers down his b
ack.
I wanted him to hear me, too.
You’re not alone.
I cherish you.
I’ll take care of you.
He stilled for a few beats, pressing his face against my stomach. I watched as his lungs filled and exhaled. Breathing me. He put one hand on my chest and the other on my back, holding me in place as if I were a dream. As if he was afraid I would scatter with reality.
I knelt with one leg, then the other, and he rearranged his hands like we were skaters and had practiced the move on ice a million times.
When we were kneeling in front of each other, I held his face in my hands.
“I’m sorry,” he said it again. His voice was deeper now, than when it was whispered against my skin before everything went down. The timbre lower. It rang in me, echoing off my desire.
“I’m not.” And I wasn’t sorry. For him. For what we had done. Because it would lead to what we would do. “We’re gonna do such great things. That feeling you like? When the world lights up for a minute because the kindness is so bright? We’re going to catch it all the time.” I ran my hands through his hair. It was too long again, gorgeous again with the shifting highlights, obscuring one eye. I brushed it away, so we could see each other perfectly.
“In all my dreams of you, I forced myself to remember that you would move on. You’d be well on your way past us and what happened.” The regret of those thoughts was etched in his eyes.
“You don’t dream big enough. And I thought you knew me.” I tilted my head to take in his expressions, in living color, in 3D.
“I do know you, but I had to get through the days. And giving up on you was me letting you go. My sacrifice for you. So everything would be perfect for you.” He kissed my forehead, my lips.
We were distracted. Words were getting in the way of what our bodies already knew.
“I’m here.” That was the entirety of my rebuttal. The only energy I had was based in my skin, the press of him on me. Holding me down. Making me feel connected somehow with him and everything we would do someday.
And he wasn’t going to fight anymore. I felt the release, the snap—leaning into the zap that crackled between us like a sidekick.
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