Exigencies

by Richard Thomas

  I’ve been thinking about the pumpkin peroxide experiment more and more these days, even during the Spring semester. It’s fine to moonlight teaching chemistry when my degree is in biology, but I worry it’s probably a little irresponsible to turn my classes into Pumpkin Carving 101 all year round, and Kackleberry Farms isn’t open past November. Still, I reserve the van for a brief field trip on Saturday. I borrow the Science Department credit card from Connie, and I make sure that I fill the gas tank up near the school. I wave a couple of the texters up to my desk after class on Friday, and I ask each one if they want to earn some extra credit.

  We’d need a lot more pumpkins if we were going to do the experiment every semester, so I figured they had to have some lying around the fields. Unless you gut them, vegetables don’t rot very fast at all.

  There’s been talk of a new Stephen King book called Doctor Sleep, which is a sequel to The Shining. This is another distraction that concerns me, especially after how the author flirted with putting multiple versions of himself into the Dark Tower series. And here we have a book that, at least in the minds of the masses, if not the author himself, is a sequel with not just the film adaptation in mind, but with his own miniseries, which he offered as a rebuttal to Kubrick’s perceived failures. Combined with King’s new fondness for meta-narratives, cracking open this novel feels like a game of Russian Roulette; another demonstration that sort of starts biological, but succumbs to the theatrics of chemistry.

  Taking the kids to a hedge maze was probably a mistake. Something about that environment opened the floodgates of conversations and questions that I’d managed to duck for thirty years. And something about getting lost in the maze together made them braver than ever, the opposite of what I’d predicted.

  My favorite line in the movie is when I say, “I don’t want to talk about Tony.” I had a good reason then, and I have a good reason now.

  We enter the maze at around 2:00 p.m., but the days are short this time of year. The sun is going down, and there’s a nervousness in their voices that they’re trying to hide. I explain that there have got to be a few lying around in the maze where people have dropped them in exhaustion. And I tell them that I need the mallet to clear away the corn stalks without cutting them down. We’re sneaking into a maze a little off-season, you see. No sense in drawing too much attention to our harvest.

  The beauty of a croquet mallet is no one who saw the movie thinks it’s threatening. Only if you read the book. And it’s hard enough to get these kids to read a textbook, let alone one for leisure, especially after its been at the bottom of a fish tank.

  It’s down to me and Kevin and the twins. Every year there are twins. I try to turn it into a lesson and keep them talking. I come up with a quiz, right off the cuff.

  I ask, “What mineral boosts the immune system?” “What process is used to refine grains such as this corn?” “What are the dangers of going on a high-protein diet?” “Is it more dangerous than rampant cell-phone usage?” “What three vitamins are antioxidants? Are they oil or water-soluble? Are we oil or water-soluble?” I throw question after question at them as we back up and retrace our steps.

  I carry many chemicals—ammonia, hydrogen peroxide, hydrochloric acid, all of which are much more interesting on blood than on pumpkins. I’ll need all my chemicals if I’m going to put the mallet back on my wall for next semester.

  They retrace their steps, but I cover mine up.

  That night, the foam rolls out of their mouths like jack-o’-lanterns, which is much less alarming than their questions. But there are no screams. They’d wasted their exclamation points at the beginning of the semester, on the first research paper I’d assigned.

  Like I said, I turn it into a lesson.

  I used to read a lot of articles criticizing the casting, saying that I looked nothing like a young Jack Nicholson. It reminded me of my jealously regarding my younger brothers. The youngest was this lupine, grinning kid, looking and acting exactly like our father. I always felt like the mutant, the anomaly, as I was quiet, tight-lipped, white and smooth as a grub. Then one day, my dad showed me some grainy pictures of him hiding under the table at a wedding reception, and I saw that he started out in the same larvae stage, exactly like me. I was comforted for quite a while, then I was horrified wondering how much scarier my brother was going to get. But the point is, what nobody understands, is that I was chosen for that movie for a reason. Because my father was the one who looked exactly like Jack. He was one who named us all as easily as a boy can name his fingers. Not me.

  I know all of these things are distractions, and I’m just as guilty as anyone. But I’ve figured out why my colleagues avoid the same topic that my students find so fascinating. There’s an odd reluctance to congratulate you about anything you did as a child, as if my celebrated acting was accidental, because they lied about which genre I was peddling. But I always knew what I was doing.

  david james keaton

  ‘s fiction has appeared in over 50 publications, including grift, pank, and noir at the bar ii. his first collection, fish bites cop! stories to bash authorities, was named the 2013 short story collection of the year by this is horror and was a finalist for the killer nashville silver falchion award. his first novel, the last projector (broken river books),

  was released in 2014.

  BRUJERIA

  FOR

  BEGINNERS

  MARYTZA K. RUBIO

  Before we begin, did you all place your rum and dulces de tamarindo at the crossroads as instructed? Cigarettes are fine, too. Leyla, did you have a question? Yes, well, we use three coins because three is the number of the gatekeeper, the number of the Trinity, the number that is the basic DNA of our spiritual world. I can’t answer that, Leyla. Remember the exhausting and circuitous discussion we had last time “good or evil” came up? The true identity of the gatekeeper is revealed in the Advanced Class.

  On your desks, I have given each of you a supply kit with items chosen specifically for you. We may have a visitor from the Jewelry Class next door, the instructor and I have an agreement. If that happens, you may be asked to share your rulers and a pencil. Do not share your gris-gris or your velas, these items are your fates.

  Does everyone have a ruler? Does everyone have scissors? A piece of paper, X-Acto knife, duct tape, cutting board, bandage? Spool of wire, two-inch width; spool of wire, half-inch width; copper coil? Agua de violeta, agua de rosa, a live pigeon, paraffin block and tweezers? Check to see that you have one bag of colored sand, glitter glue, and two embroidery needles. I’ve also brought in an assortment of oils, hierbas, and plants from my own collection. You may use these items to intensify your petition. Please do not use the ammonia or any of the sealed powders without my assistance. Do not touch the vials of mercury, do not test the sharpness of the knives.

  Yes, Denise?

  The difference is the smell, that is usually how you can tell them apart.

  Yes, you in the back. Carla, is it?

  No.

  Well, you are misinformed.

  Because blood represents life and life is of the highest value. All petitions require fees.

  I see.

  Well, how about this: Take off those leather shoes and look at them. Now repeat to yourself what you just told me and then decide if you can stay in this class. If not, go next door to the Jewelry Class; the instructor and I have an agreement. Leave your supplies on the desk. Thank you and good luck.

  Everyone else, please remove your rings, crosses, and hair pins if you have not done so already. Turn off your electronic gadgets, except you, Anasiria, I know your anklet needs to stay on.

  Come in, sir. You are from the Jewelry Class, yes? Welcome. Take Carla’s seat. Please take her bag of fates, as it was meant for you anyway, and let’s continue.

  We will start with Viviana. Everyone please direct your attention to Viviana and her gris-gris. This is a kit for Love, many of you share this aim and will have similar items. Paola, can you see from
there? Pull in closer so you have a better view.

  Viviana wants to attract love, a new love, a first love.

  Yes, sir, you have a question? Why, that is a generous offer, and as the sole male in this class I suspect you will be tempted to ask that of all our students. But the purpose of this demonstration is education, not fulfilling your social desires.

  Viviana’s kit includes a hummingbird feather, which I won’t pass around. Viviana, please hold up your piece of wing. The hummingbird is a fierce warrior, an essential ally for someone who is as shy as our Viviana. I tele-chatted with Viviana last night, and was so pleased she allowed me to make an example of her kit for today’s lesson.

  No, not telephone, Leyla. Tele-chat.

  I’ll be brief, class needs to be dismissed before sunset and the logistics of tele-chat can be time-consuming. After crashing our cars in the parking lot of El Super years ago, Viviana and I retained a psychic bond that germinated from our shared susto. I damaged my lower back and her acupuncturist helped me tremendously. Viviana was unharmed—her youth and health are a great armor—but I wanted to offer equally beneficial reciprocation. I have been visiting Viviana’s dreams to coax her into this class so she could develop new friendships and confidence. And now, look at her, hair pulled back and a pretty pink lipstick. Soon she will graduate to a pouty red. I am so proud. I am extraordinarily proud of all of you and will miss you when you are summoned to the Advanced Class.

  Let’s talk about Viviana’s pink hummingbird candles. These candles should be burned consecutively; light the next one as soon as the previous one is down to its final layer of wax. This ensures a seamless burning petition. After they have burned out, we will inventory Viviana’s suitors and chart the burn pattern of the glass. If the burn pattern is clear, we will then decide if it is best to light one to Oshun as well.

  What is the rule for lighting to Oshun, class?

  Yes, that is correct.

  No, Leyla, she does not have a preference for organic or mass produced honey.

  No, Leyla, almond butter is not a suitable substitute for honey under any circumstances. It has no spiritual significance and when burned it smells like rancid milk.

  Yes, you, sir.

  How clever that your name matches your tattoos, but I prefer to call you “sir.”

  How does ingesting the honey reach the spirit world? Well, it is the essence of the honey and you ingesting it that provides a mandatory testament to La Bonita that she will not be poisoned by your offering. Transmutation is covered in the Advanced Class, as is transubstantiation.

  Excellent question, Paola. For those of you who are at a more . . . progressed . . . state of romantic development than Viviana, you will want something more potent. A red Chuparosa candle, a red Ven A Mi, or even a plain red candle burned over the picture of your intended lover will provide faster results. If you choose to write your names on the glass candle, make sure your name is always on top of his. Always. Full names preferred. Don’t assume that the name they tell you is true. People change their birth names, especially in this town, and all candle work is futile without the correct address.

  Yes, Anasiria? Well, you are one of my best herbology students, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone else. Remind me, you’re married, yes? Then I guess toloache would be feasible to administer daily, provided the dose is exact. Jimson weed, class, jimson weed. Distilled and dropped into a coffee cup—yes, Anasiria, or vodka—can make men docile and bring them to a perpetual amorous state.

  Sir, I prefer you raise your hand rather than interrupt, but yes. You are correct. It is absolutely fatal. Toloache is a relative of belladona, the same plant women used to distill and drop into their eyes to make them dilated and seductive. Don’t use belladonna in your eyes. The drops will make you blind and dead. Spaces are infinite in the Advanced Class, but it is best, for all involved, you not rush to your assigned seat.

  No, Denise, I do not recommend you seek out toloache in any of its forms. Your hand will slip and you’ll fail to administer the exact dose. All that work we’ve been doing will be lost if you are accused of murder. We are all aligned with you. Have faith that your petition will be heard and toloache will not be needed. When is the hearing? Good, the Listless Lawyer candle included in your kit burns in seven days, be sure to start tonight. Class, I have also included beads in Ogun’s colors for Denise to wear on her court date and a Tapa Boca candle for her malhablada sister-in-law. This is in addition to the Dume candle we are burning on Denise’s soon-to-be-ex-husband. I brought in two spent Dume candles to show you all how much has changed since the beginning of the semester.

  Yes, Leyla, D-U-M-E, not D-O-O-M. They sound the same and if used correctly, will have the same effect.

  This candle is from last week. See how the glass is only sooted at the top rim? And here, this solid black one, is from when Denise and I first started working together. All soot and ash. Who can tell me what that means? Yes, that is correct. Obstacles. Now that it has burned clear, I am confident that Denise’s rat of an ex-esposo and his complicit mistress will get their due.

  What was that, sir? No, it isn’t really black magic. Denise has acquired a sizable cache of retribution she can spend without causing harm to herself or her loved ones. Conversely, Denise’s soon-to-be-ex husband has accumulated a heavy amount of debt. Denise, please raise your arm for the class to see. Thirteen stitches; the doctors and the fates have blessed her proactive redistribution of fortune.

  Yes, Leyla, I agree. The topic requires a proper course all its own. I submitted a proposal for a full-length course on Artes Obscuras, but considering the severe lack of funding in community colleges, it is unlikely the class will take place. If the district continues to make cuts, we may even lose this class. Even if the Artes Obscuras class is approved, I will only be accepting a limited number of students, specifically chosen by me. I am sorry, but none of you will be invited.

  No, Paola, that is not why. I care for each of you and know you are all intelligent and capable students. Intelligence and capability are not the issue.

  The reason is the cost. The darkness requires a payment that strips the protective layer of your spirit and invites pain and harm in unexpected manifestations.

  For example: If you use darkness to win a level of professional achievement you do not deserve, and become lazy in a position that is lucrative yet full of responsibility, the blackness will disintegrate the aura of falseness you have cultivated and depended on throughout your career. Or if you ask dark forces to rip apart a happy couple so the man will love you instead of his wife, he will love you for all eternity and no one will ever rip him apart from you. But you will abuse him. Your children will despise you and grow up to be despised themselves. That will break your heart. His death will break your heart. If you are lucky, the tears of your heartbreak will leech the dark tar from your soul. You will be given an opportunity for redemption, sharing knowledge with strangers and seeking affection from homeless and neglected cats. There is always a sacrifice and you all know what it is.

  Now. What can you all tell me about the woman we will be invoking today?

  That’s right, Denise.

  La Anima Sola, the lonely soul chained to the bottom of purgatory, surrounded by the flames of her desperate love. Some may consider waiting in limbo a fate harsher than burning in hell, but only Advanced students know for sure.

  Before invoking La Anima Sola, understand that she is a powerful force to harness. She is the middle ground—not dark, not light. She strains her arms for salvation—not dead, not alive. She is permitted to make brief visits to our world to inflict insomnia and obsessive thoughts on an unresponsive or otherwise uncommitted lover. You will soon be granted access to the Anima Sola and may ask her fleet of intranquil spirits to assist you. Please understand that by continuously summoning her, you run the risk of ending up like her.

  Other questions?

  No, we will never learn how to raise the dead, not even in the Advanced
Class.

  Security reasons, Leyla.

  Yes, that is correct, Viviana. While we cannot wake the dead, it is always important to honor them. Have you all been keeping up with your altars? Cleanliness and disposal of offerings is important.

  No, sir. We do not discuss disposal of the dead in this class.

  No, sir. The answers you are looking for are found in a chemistry or anatomy class, but your instructors would find that line of questioning disturbing. I would encourage you to register for Analytical Anatomy but the semester is over, your time is almost up.

  Let’s have a look at your kit, yes?

  Ah, you have the Gato Negro kit, your luck is due for a major change! Congratulations. Black cats are magnificent creatures and full of spirited energy.

  Class, this is a perfect opportunity for me to point out the folded-up sheet of paper that is included in everyone’s supply kit. If any one of you is interested in learning more about the black cat, please pay special attention to that form. I run The Behemoth Foundation, a black cat rescue group, and foster anywhere from four to a dozen black cats at any given time. If you would like to adopt a black cat or just want to volunteer for their care, please be sure to fill out the application included in your supply kit and return to me before the end of class. Be sure to indicate which days are best for an in-house inspection and sign your approval for a federal background check.

  I don’t understand what my marital status has to do with anything, sir, but I am a widow.

  That is an outdated stereotype; I rarely have more than twenty in the house at one time.

  Class, let’s take a look at our lucky student’s kit. Here we have a multi-colored Black Cat candle for him to burn for his deepest and most intimate desires. Sir, will you give us an example of what those are?