Let’s see it, she says.
No.
Come on! Keep going! I want to watch!
I can’t do it if you’re watching, I tell her.
Please?
No!
A hand squeezes Emma’s shoulder. A woman’s voice says, Let’s give her some space and we can come back when she’s done.
Emma makes a snorty sound but moves away.
Good. I’m still stuck on the eyes of my picture however and I stare at the paper.
You need to look at my eyes, Mr. Walters says.
I sigh. Are you related to Mrs. Brook?
No. Why?
She always wants me to look in her eyes too.
Eyes are the windows to the soul, Mr. Walters says. If you look inside the eyes you can see so much about a person.
I Look At The Person including his eyes. Really?
He smiles and nods.
But there is something wrong with his smile. I stare into his eyes. Maybe what’s wrong is his eyes. They don’t look happy like the photos of happy eyes Mrs. Brook has shown me. Maybe his smile is not big enough to push his eyes up at the corners like happy eyes are supposed to be. Something’s wrong, I tell him.
Why do you say that?
Your eyes and mouth don’t match.
Ah, he says as he nods. Maybe you’re better at emotions than you think.
Except I don’t know which is right.
Both. I’m smiling because I think you’re a wonderful talented girl. My eyes are sad because I’m thinking about what you and your dad are going through.
I think for a minute about what he means. Oh. Because of Devon.
Yes. Because of Devon. He was in my class one quarter. I miss him. Everyone here misses him.
Why do you miss him? You’re the art teacher. He can’t even draw.
We all have different passions. His passion was being an Eagle Scout.
He won’t be able to finish his chest though so he can’t ever make Eagle.
He nods. I heard about that chest. His voice is crackly. It’s so hard.
Devon says if it’s hard that just means you have to Work At It.
He shrugs but sniffs too much to talk.
Maybe you need to find Closure.
He Looks At The Person. I think we all need to find Closure. It hurt the whole community. We’re all sad. His eyes are so sad now they are starting to water.
I put the pencil down on the easel tray. I don’t feel like drawing anymore.
He jumps up from the stool. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel sad. He looks at the paper on the easel. Wow. That is amazing. Don’t you want to give the eyes a try?
I shake my head. I don’t think I can do a complete face yet. Maybe later.
He pulls his eyeless picture off the easel and hands it to me.
After Dad is in bed I sneak into Devon’s room and tape Mr. Walters on the wall next to my picture of the eagle. This is the first picture of a face I’ve ever done. Even if it doesn’t have eyes.
CHAPTER 23
LOST
ON TUESDAY NIGHT I WALK INTO the kitchen and Dad is standing at the sink.
What’s for dinner? I ask.
He turns around fast and his eyes are big which means surprise I think. Except why would he be surprised when he knows I live here?
What? I say.
I’m sorry. He turns back to the sink. I was lost . . .
You’re in the kitchen, I tell him. It’s next to the living room. Then there’s the hall that goes to—
I know Caitlin. What I meant was I’m feeling a little lost. He grips the edge of the sink. You’ll be starting at the . . . middle school . . . next year.
No. I’ll be starting at the middle school in August. That’s this year.
He turns and Looks At The Person. Are you—He stops and puts his hand over his mouth. Then he takes it away again. Are you okay with going to . . . that school?
Virginia Dare?
He sucks in his breath when I say it.
Devon’s school?
He closes his eyes.
I shrug. I guess. They don’t have recess in middle school and I don’t like recess.
Dad opens his eyes but he still stares at the air. If I could afford to pay for a private school for you I would.
People talk about private schools but I don’t know exactly what they are. So I ask. Does private mean I’m the only one in the school? Because I’d like that a lot.
No. Of course not.
So it’s just like a regular school?
Pretty much.
I shake my head. Then I don’t want private. I’m fine with the regular one.
He nods and lets out a big breath. Okay.
CHAPTER 24
FOUND
I DON’T HAVE MY MRS. BROOK time because she’s still visiting her difficult sister.
Instead I have to go to recess with the rest of the class and miss little kid recess. I lost my friend in little kid recess anyway so I don’t really mind. What I do mind is passing Michael’s class in the hall on the way back and seeing Josh give him a high five. I don’t look at Michael but he says, HI CAITLIN! even though there is No Talking In The Halls and out of the edge of my eye I see him give me our special wave except I don’t think it’s so special anymore so I don’t wave back.
My class goes to the computer lab. Mrs. Johnson says we have free time and can look up any topic we want to learn more about as long as it’s not computer games. I read about Eagle Scouts and Eagle Scout projects. None of them are as good as Devon’s chest. Except that they’re finished.
I get a recess feeling in my stomach and try not to think about the Eagle Scout project that never got to exist. Or the Eagle Scout. I start stuffed-animaling the computer monitor with the window behind it into one big grayish blur until I hear Mrs. Johnson’s voice in my ear that we have three minutes left and if there’s one last thing we want to look up now is the time.
I suddenly remember I should be researching Closure because maybe there’s even a better definition than in my Dictionary so I look it up and this is what I find:
—the act of bringing to an end; a conclusion
—example: They finally brought the project to closure.
I see Devon’s Eagle Scout project in my head and think about how much he wanted to finish it and become an Eagle Scout. And how he was going to teach me how to do woodworking too. And then I start shaking my hands fast and my Heart is pounding in my ears and it’s hard to breathe and I hear moaning and it must be me because Mrs. Johnson says, Caitlin are you all right? And I hear myself scream to the whole world and I think in my head, Now I know how to experience an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event! and Mrs. Johnson is gripping my shoulders and shaking me and I don’t even mind and she screams, What is it? What is it? and I shout loud enough for Devon to hear me up in Heaven, I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT!
CHAPTER 25
HINGES
WHEN DAD PICKS ME UP EARLY at school he starts asking me about my TRM but I tell him, We need to go to Lowe’s!
What?
Right now!
What’s all this about, Caitlin?
Closure! Drive fast!
His voice keeps going but I’m too busy bouncing in the backseat to hear the words.
I run into Lowe’s and race up and down the aisles and Dad is chasing me saying, Caitlin Caitlin! Excuse me ma’am! Sorry! Caitlin! Excuse me! until I find the place with the hinges and I’m panting with excitement and I shake my hands for Dad to hurry up and he’s panting too and says, CAIT-LIN! but I say, Which ones? as I rattle the different-sized boxes of hinges.
He is still panting but doesn’t say anything right away until he says, What are you talking about?
THE HINGES! Which ones do we need?
He tilts his head. For what?
THE CHEST! Why doesn’t he Get It?
Chest?
DEVON’S CHEST! HIS EAGLE SCOUT PROJECT!
D
ad’s shoulders slump and his head falls. He puts a hand on his forehead and closes his eyes.
Can I help you? a man in a red apron says.
I look at Dad. He is not helping so I say, Yes, even though I don’t like talking to strangers. We need hinges for the chest.
What kind of hinges?
I Look At The Person. You are no help either.
He looks at Dad.
We don’t need any hinges today, Dad says quietly.
Why not? I ask.
I’m not ready to work on the chest.
I am.
We need to talk about this first.
Okay. Talk.
At home.
Then we’ll have to come right back to Lowe’s again.
Later, he says.
What time?
I don’t know.
Can’t we just talk about this in the car and then come back in again?
He turns and starts walking down the aisle passing people who look at him and then at me. When he gets to the end of the aisle and turns right and disappears I am left with all the strangers staring at me. I start crying and run down the aisle screaming for Dad and even though I find him I cry all the way to the car and all the way home and for a long time in my hidey-hole in Devon’s room wrapped up in my purple fleece because Dad says he is not interested in working on the chest and not to ask him again for a very long time.
CHAPTER 26
EAGLE SCOUT
I GET A SPECIAL PHONE CALL AT school. It’s from Mrs. Brook. I get to go all the way to the office and talk on the phone at the front desk. Mrs. Brook says she just wants to talk to me personally and see how I’m doing because she can’t come back to school for a few more days.
I tell her all about how I finally found Closure but Dad won’t cooperate even though I know how to get us there.
She says I have to be patient and keep trying. Sometimes things don’t work the first time but then eventually they do.
Like finesse?
Exactly.
And making friends?
Yes.
Even for me?
Absolutely. I have confidence in you. You just have to keep trying.
Josh is walking into the principal’s office when I get off the phone.
He turns his head to me and whispers, Loser.
I know, I tell him, but I’m going to keep trying.
He shakes his head and snorts.
I guess he doesn’t believe I will Get It and sometimes I’m not so sure either but Mrs. Brook is confident so I’m going to keep working on my finesse.
Later that day I see Michael in the hall. I won’t see him at recess because while Mrs. Brook is away my schedule is back to first recess only. Even though he is not my friend anymore I do say, I found Closure but I still have to Work At It.
I had to tell him. I promised. Scout’s honor.
He looks at me funny so I decide he doesn’t want to be my friend anyway.
I find a white T-shirt in my closet and I draw an eagle on it with a permanent marker. I’m hoping that Dad will remember that Devon called me Scout and he’ll put the two together like this:
EAGLE + SCOUT
and he will think of Devon’s Eagle Scout project and we can work on it together.
Except he doesn’t notice.
I keep walking back and forth in front of the sofa.
Finally he says, Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No, I say. Do you like my T-shirt?
Mmm-hmmm.
I sigh. It’s EAGLE SCOUT. Get It?
Dad tilts his head.
It’s a picture of an eagle and I’m Scout.
Oh.
So are you ready to work on the chest yet?
He shakes his head.
Dad. We need to finish the chest.
He shakes his head again.
Why not?
We don’t even have all the wood.
We can buy some.
It’s special wood.
How special?
It’s a Mission chest.
What does that mean?
It’s a style of furniture that requires quarter-cut oak. The wood is expensive and it’s difficult to work with.
But I can help. It can be a group project. Mrs. Brook says I need to practice working on group projects so this will be perfect.
Dad leaves the living room.
I think about quarter-cut oak and how I still don’t actually know what that means. I know what an oak is. We have an oak tree in the backyard. I know what a quarter is. I have forty-seven in my State Quarters Map because Illinois and Florida and Iowa fell out and are under my bed somewhere I think. And I know what it means to cut something. I look up quarter-cut in my Dictionary but there’s no definition. I guess I have to put it together myself so quarter-cut oak is oak you cut with a quarter.
I have forty-six quarters in my State Quarters Map now because Virginia is coming out to cut the oak tree.
CHAPTER 27
MISSION
ALL I CAN SAY IS IT WILL TAKE my whole entire life to get some wood cut out of that oak tree with my Virginia quarter. Monday is a teacher workday so between Sunday and Monday I have spent six hours and thirteen minutes cutting that stupid tree. I will never get a whole piece of wood out of there. Plus my fingers are all bloody from scraping the bumpy bark and they hurt.
Mrs. Brook is back from visiting her difficult sister and the babies who are finally born now. It has been so long since I’ve seen her that when I get to her room I hold my hand up and wave to say hi.
She screams. This is not the reaction I expect. She should say something like, I missed you, or, It’s good to see you again. That’s what teachers normally say.
Caitlin, Mrs. Brook says, why are there cuts on your fingers? Her voice is high and shaky. What have you been doing?
Cutting.
What? It comes out as a scream. Her hand covers her mouth. Why? That comes out as a muffled crying moan.
I need the wood.
Her hand drops and she tilts her head. Excuse me?
For Closure.
Can you explain from the beginning?
Yes. I can but it’s a long story so I’d rather not.
I mean would you please start explaining now. Her voice is getting shaky again.
Okay. Fine. Dad doesn’t want to work on the chest and whenever I ask him if we can work on it because I’m trying to get to Closure he says we can’t because we need more wood but it has to be quarter-cut oak and Dad says that’s too hard to get but we have an oak tree and I have a quarter so I’ve been trying to get a piece of wood cut out of it.
Oh, Caitlin! You poor thing! She covers her mouth again. And you’ve been working so hard!
Yes. Dad’s right about how hard it is. Now I Get It.
Well, she says, I don’t know exactly what quarter-cut oak is but I do know this much: it is not wood cut from an oak tree with a quarter.
Oh. I guess I don’t Get It then.
I’m going to call your father.
Why?
I want to ask him what quarter-cut oak is and tell him how hard you’ve been working to get it.
Here’s the funny thing. Quarter-cut oak just means the way the oak tree is cut into boards for Mission furniture like Devon’s Mission chest. I wish Dad would just tell me these things. It would make life a lot easier.
CHAPTER 28
GOOD AND STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL
YOU GAVE MRS. BROOK A SCARE, Dad says.
What?
She was very upset when she saw your fingers scraped up like that.
I was more upset. They’re my fingers.
I . . . understand you were trying to get some quarter-cut oak.
Yes and I Get It now. You were right. It’s really not easy.
He sighs and looks at the sheet-covered chest in the corner for the first time ever and I want to start shaking my hands but I know that does not make Dad happy so I sit on them instead. My throat is sore and there is a double
recess going on in my stomach but I say, Dad. I want to finish the chest.
I know, he says. But he doesn’t say he will.
I want to get to Closure. Everything is starting to blur.
I know, he says even more quietly.
You need to get to Closure too.
This time he doesn’t even say I know but he nods.
I think about what Devon would say. You have to Work At It Dad. You have to try even if it’s hard and you think you can never do it and you just want to scream and hide and shake your hands over and over and over.
Dad wipes his eyes and I do too because mine are blurry and somehow I think it’s really important to see right now. What I see is that his body is shaking which means he’s crying and soon his voice comes out in strange-sounding gasps that sound like he is laughing weirdly or throwing up except nothing is coming out of his mouth. Finally he covers his face with his hands and stops the noise and his body stops shaking and after he sniffs twice he takes his hands away from his face and turns his head to me.
How did you get to be so smart?
I shrug. I’m really working hard on finesse.
Then he takes my hands in his and I don’t even pull them away because he is looking at my cuts closely and I would want to do that too if I saw cuts on somebody’s hands so I let him look.
Do you still really want to do this?
I don’t know if he means to keep cutting the oak tree or work on the chest but I say, Yes, just in case he means the chest.
You think this will bring us Closure?
I shake my head. No. I know it will.
He blows a little air out of his nose and nods. He lets go of my hands and does one more big sigh. Maybe we can make something good and strong and beautiful come out of this.
Good and strong and beautiful. I like those words. They sound like Devon. I want to build something good and strong and beautiful.
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