by Ramona Finn
And if the desire to effect such a repair is in place.
I scan the lines of bodies. They could almost be sleeping, but they would breathe regularly in such a case. Some of the faces I recognize. I have seen them in the great room at the center of the tunnels where the clan gathers for meals and stories. Soon, names begin to flash across my mind—data unwinding.
Bobcat.
Lion.
Croc.
Bird.
I shudder now. Stop looking! Stop walking! I can’t make my body listen.
When I see Skye, I choke. I want to scoop her up in my arms, to cradle her and smooth her hair. Those golden strands should be perfect. The desire to stop and touch and make this no longer real is overpowering, and yet I cannot stop walking. I want to fall to my knees and cry. But I walk on.
Raj is next. His black hair curls around his face and his skin seems paler but softer. His bitterness has melted away.
I tear my eyes away from his peaceful face, but I wish I hadn’t. Because next is the last person I want to see.
Wolf.
His eyes are closed. His long, dark lashes lay still against his skin. Like Raj, he looks at peace. Is it easy to be nonfunctional? To be that way forever?
Falling to my knees, I reach out to touch Wolf’s face and trail my fingertips across his cheek and the sharp line of his jaw.
“Wolf?” I ask, as though he is merely temporarily nonfunctional and might open his eyes.
But his skin is cold and stiff. What has happened?
Then I remember and I sit back on my heels. “It’s all my fault.”
Gasping for breath brings me alert. My vision blurs from the sting of tears, and I bite down on a wailing sob that lasts just long enough to create a short-lived echo.
This dream is worse than any other. I can still feel Wolf’s cool skin beneath my fingertips. The ache vibrates in my heart at seeing them all dead—at seeing him dead.
I sit up because I can’t stay lying down. Cold sweat chills me and my hands shake. I fold them together but can’t stop the shaking.
I dart a glance around to make sure I haven’t woken anyone. My dreams, though vivid and terrible, usually don’t, but tonight I see glittering eyes staring back at me.
Bird is awake.
Her dark eyes seem huge. She seems to be assessing me, and looking straight through to my darkest thoughts.
Her ribbons rustle and she asks, “Why do you always dream of death, Lib?”
Fear tightens like a band around my chest. I find myself shaking my head furiously. I stop that, gulp down a breath, and spit out, “Go back to sleep.” I lie down, turn my back to her, and pretend to go back to sleep.
I won’t sleep again tonight. My hands still shake and a weight settles on my chest as if some animal crouches there, making my breaths come in short, shallow gasps. I can’t stop thinking about Bird’s question.
Why do you always dream of death, Lib?
I don’t know. But she’s right.
I always do. Why?
Training with Wolf seems to give me tentative friendships with others. Bobcat no longer shoots me unfriendly looks, though we speak little. I am mostly certain that that is just how Bobcat is. Croc is friendly enough and will explain the properties of certain plants he uses. But I look for Wolf every morning and at meals.
And training gives us not just time together, but reasons to touch.
He comes at me with a punch, but I am faster. I wait until he is mere inches away and slide to the side, slipping away from his grasp like liquid.
I will never be as strong, but I am learning how to be quick as the wind that comes up in the evening.
I swivel around to come up behind him and wrap my arm around his neck, catching his throat in the corner of my elbow. The awkwardness of the height difference—he is much taller than me—makes him bend back slightly. That is enough for me to gain what leverage I need to twist and heave him over my hip. I let go and step away. With a grunt, he lands in the dirt.
Quickly, I move away before he has the chance to reach out for my leg and take me down with him. That is a mistake I no longer make.
He lets out a laugh—a low chuckle that warms my skin. The dust clears and I can’t help but grin, too. Getting up, he pats my shoulder. “You learn quickly.”
I’m grateful the training leaves me flushed. “I’ve had a good teacher.”
He waves off my compliment. “You put in the work. I’ve never seen someone improve this fast.”
I have to swallow hard. Is that really a good thing? Or is it like when Raj says I’m different. I want to fit in. I want the dreams to stop. I want to bask in Wolf’s praise. Perhaps it is only my imagination, but I think his compliments come more frequently now.
But I worry.
What if he finds out the truth about me?
I already know Raj has not told the others about the data I discovered. I take his silence to mean I should not tell anyone either. The seed and nutrient cubes we took from the connect were left by a drone not far from the platform. We were able to pick them up without being seen. But I learned that day how dangerous connects really were. They weren’t just dangerous inside the connect, but it was also difficult to go and take the materials brought to the Outside.
Wolf slaps my shoulder again, startling me. “I think we’re done for the day,” he says and tries to wipe away some of the dust from his face. It’s not so easy because the dirt has mixed with his sweat to become like a fine coating of mud. I must look just as bad.
“Tired already?” I ask, teasing and light, hoping he takes it that way. I don’t want to think about the AI—about Conie today. I just want to be with Wolf.
He shoots me a sideways glare, one eyebrow lifted, but it’s not a real glare. “I’m saving you from eating dirt. Come, let’s find something tastier.”
We head back to the tunnels. I’ve learned to walk almost as silently as Wolf, and we walk single file. I know how to put my steps in his—fewer tracks to follow.
Down in the tunnels, Wolf touches my arm. This is not one of his friendly slaps. This touch has something else in it. Something seems to twist in my chest and I can’t catch my breath. “I have to ask?” He lets the words trail off and does not ask.
I turn to look at him questioningly. “Wolf?”
He takes a deep breath before looking me in the eye and saying, “You’re ready now. I didn’t think it would happen so soon.”
My heart starts to pound. Is he going to ask me to leave? To tell me training is done and we will never meet like this in the mornings? My dream flashes into mind and my stomach gives a lurch. I put a hand over it. “What’s going to happen?”
He rakes a large hand through his thick, dark hair. It is rare to see him nervous. “I mean… you can choose. To join the clan.”
I stare at him for a long time. He shifts on his feet, looks away, looks back and shifts again. My mouth seems dry but I finally process his words. “Become a Tracker?”
He gives a nod.
I can’t stop the grin that breaks across my face. Lunging at him, I throw my arms around his neck. His skin is hot against mine. “Of course. Yes. I want to! I choose.”
With a laugh, he twirls me around. I don’t want to ever let go.
After we eat, I tell the other Glitches. Well, I tell Raj and Skye, because Marq is getting the food and Chandra is turned away from and seems completely uninterested.
“Seriously!” Skye’s blue eyes widen and seem as huge as the sky. I think of Bird staring at me, her eyes wide also.
Why do you always dream of death?
I push the thought away.
Dreams are only dreams. My purpose is to find Glitches and this will help. It’s all my fault.
The words all seem empty. I am no longer hungry and my smile fades, but I nod. “Wolf said I could choose.”
Skye laughs, but Raj is quiet and his eyes look troubled. I glance over at him. I see something unhappy and bitter in his eyes.
/> He stands and says, his tone sharp, “You don’t need to be a Tracker. This isn’t where we belong. Have you forgotten your promise?”
Skye glances at him. “What is your problem? And what promise?” She looks at me.
I put my stare on Raj. “I haven’t forgotten anything, and being a part of the clan doesn’t mean I will forget anything.”
Skye turns her back on Raj and takes my hand. “He’s just jealous just because you were asked and he wasn’t.”
“That’s not it,” he snarls.
I believe him. Raj would never want to join the clan. He’s angry I want to.
Skye tries to say something, but Raj slices the air with his hand. “If we fix the AI, we can go back. We can go back to our families.”
Skye’s smile drops away and she shifts and lets go of my hand. She looks troubled now.
A longing lifts inside me to return to a place I hardly remember. But I have seen the Norm. I know the beauty. Every connect leaves me wanting to go back. But now there is a war with an intense desire to stay. To become a part of this clan. “We didn’t do such a good job last time,” I shoot back at Raj.
He waves his arms wide. “We’ll know better.”
I shake my head. “So will the AI. It learns, too. And…and I like it here.”
Raj barks out a laugh. “I know what you like. This is about Wolf. You like him. You really think the Rogues—that he—is ever going to really make you part of anything?”
My cheeks scald. I stand as well and face him, my fists bunched. I could put him on his ass, but I hold my anger back. “I can make a choice and keep my promise. But I’m not going to try to go back anytime soon.”
“Of course not—Rogue.” Raj spits the word at me. Turning, he stalks off, muttering under his breath.
Her voice small, Skye asks, “What is Raj talking about? What promise did you make? Why does he think we could ever go back to the Norm?” She sounds bewildered.
I shake my head. I don’t know what to tell her. But someday I will have to keep my promise to Raj. I will have to go back. Closing my eyes, I want it to be a long, long time before that day comes.
But I fear I will never get that wish.
Chapter Twenty
Raj stops talking to me. Even Skye acts odd now. She seems… stiff. It is like she must pick sides and didn’t pick mine. Chandra and Marq are like they always are. They never talk to me anyway. Having the Glitches shut me out and not want to talk at meal times or even eat with me stings in a way I never thought it would. It hurts, but it doesn’t change my decision.
I want this. I want to be a part of something.
Unfortunately, right now I’m not welcome by Glitches and I’m not really a Tracker.
Bobcat and Bird come to me and tell me the day of choice has come. This day is special.
They take me to a room in the tunnels that stinks. Water bubbles up from the ground, and steam gathers thick in the air. Bird says it is a hot spring. I stare at it and ask, “Why do we have to do connects for water if you have a spring right here? Just cool the water.”
Bobcat laughs. “Try and drink that? Go ahead. It’s full of things that could kill you. Croc’s tried to filter them out, but it never works. It’s only to wash, and only then on special days. Like today. Now get in.”
I don’t like the idea of stepping into something that could kill me. But Bird and Bobcat strip off my boots and tunic and pants. I am not given a choice.
They tell me I have the springs all to myself. Ritual has made this day special.
Bird sits with me, cross-legged on the floor, not in the water, but close to it. She weaves strips of leather and shimmery beads into my hair. This, too, is needed on the day of choice.
“You did all of this, too?” I ask. She, too, has been quiet around me. Like Skye. I am not good friends with Bird, but I have never thought of her as hating me.
She nods and turns my head around again. “Long time ago, when I was saved.”
“Saved from what?” I ask.
She is quiet again. I glance back and see a flicker of emotion in her eyes. She pushes my head forward again. I don’t think she wants to tell me, but a moment later, her voice quiet, she says, “I am from the Sees Far clan. I was born to them and raised with their gifts. But my clan is gone back into the ground, devoured by the storm.” I can’t see her face but there is so much pain in her voice that my heart aches. “Trackers found me, took me in and for that I owe them my unquestioning loyalty.”
Her hands tug at my hair. I can hear in her voice and feel in her touch that her loyalty is not all that unquestioning.
“But I remember family, too. You have to remember those come and gone.” She pauses to pick up something else to weave into my hair. She has a pile of brightly colored cloth and even metallic copper wire. She pauses, and I turn my head to see her caress a medallion hanging from a leather thong around her neck. She tucks the medallion back into her shirt and pushes my head forward again.
“I’m sorry about your family.” Around me, hot water bubbles. It would be relaxing if drinking it wouldn’t kill me. I wish I had more to offer Bird.
She gives a sigh and goes back to my hair. “Been a long time. I went through choice when I was just small. No point dwelling on past losses.”
With a pat to my head, she stands. “You can’t see what it looks like, but it looks good. All twisty and braidy. You look more like a Rogue.”
“Thank you. Can I get out now?”
She helps me out. New cloth has been set out for me—fine, soft leather pants and shirt and boots. She helps me dress. With a nod, she starts out the door, but before she goes more than two steps, she turns back to look at me, a hard frown tugging her eyebrows together. She almost looks as if she drank some of the spring water.
She shakes her head and looks as though she isn’t sure she wants to tell me anything. But she says, her voice low and rushed, “Something’s coming, Lib. It’s been coming. I don’t know what it is, or what it wants, but it’s bad.”
Her words send a cold chill through me despite the lingering heat of the hot spring. I want to tell her not to worry. Wolf looks after us. But my dreams linger. I can’t deny the truth. I know just what she means.
Bird only offers me a weak smile and a nod, and says, “Tonight, we go to the Empties.”
Bird’s bad feeling stays with me. I want to think only about the choice I am making. Is it the right one? Is it right only for me, or for all Glitches? Will other Glitches become Rogues after this or see me as betraying them?
And what about my purpose? It tugs on me, digs in like Wolf’s knife, twisting and cutting. I’m supposed to find the other Glitches—not become a Rogue. But what if this will help me with that purpose?
The thought doesn’t settle the drive to accomplish my purpose.
I wait in the sleeping room, pacing the floor. It’s empty right now. My stomach jumps and part of me wants to just tell everyone I was wrong and it can all go back to how it was. But change is a sign of life. I have to change.
And that has me thinking of Conie and how she said growth was a sign of life. She has to grow. I let out a breath and pull in another one.
Footsteps echo down the tunnel. I turn to see Raj step in. He picks his way around the bedding on the floor. This is like when he came to me and asked that I go with him toward the Norm.
When he reaches me, he folds his arms around himself as if he doesn’t know what to do with them. “You’re really going through with this? Making the choice?”
I nod. “Yes. It feels right.”
He frowns. “But are you really thinking this through? You want to give up what you are?”
“This isn’t about giving anything up. I’m taking on something more.”
Raj shakes his head. “You’re going to end up nothing—not a Glitch and not really a Rogue. Is that really what you want?”
“Why are you saying that? It’s not like that. Bird made the choice.”
“She
was a Rogue to start. But you…you know Wolf doesn’t trust us. None of the Rogues do. We’re different.”
I stiffen. “And that’s bad. Now you sound like the AI.”
He winces, but I don’t care. He is just trying to stop this. “Raj, maybe this is good. Maybe it’s good for me. And I know Wolf trusts me.”
He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. I know this is the opposite of what he wanted, but I won’t change my mind. He must realize he won’t stop this because he gives a short nod and turns to one side. He gives me a last, lingering look and walks away, his head down and his shoulders slumped. I reach out. I want to stop him—I want to make him understand. I want to tell him I will keep my promise.
Later.
I close my hand on empty air. I can’t bring Raj back, so I cling to the one thing that is the only thing I care about right now. Wolf trusts me.
And I trust him that I really can choose to be a Tracker.
Choice happens at night, but we leave early in the morning.
“Day’s journey,” Bobcat says. Five Rogues come with me and she happens to be one of them. I hope this means she trusts me, too. Bird and Wolf come with us, but I do not recognize the two other Rogues.
We walk to the ATs and then drive past the hills, through the canyons and out onto the flat lands. The mountains grow closer and larger until they change from blue to tan and green. We stop and cover the ATs. I ask Wolf why we can’t take the ATs the whole way.
“Tradition,” Wolf tells me. “Rogues once walked out of the Empties. We only go back walking in.”
I nod, but I have no idea what that means. Flutters roll around in my stomach. But as long as Wolf is here I know I will be fine.
We set off again, walking single file and keeping quiet. Everyone watches the sky, but the drones don’t seem to come here.