Looking at her watch, she realized it had already been thirty minutes since her appointment time. Such torture.
Glancing at a poster of the female anatomy, she imagined a baby inside the uterus. She touched her abdomen, wondering if there was something in there. For a moment she felt all warm and fuzzy. She was going to be a mom. . . . Maybe.
Wow. The decision might already be made.
They said at least fifty percent of pregnancies were unplanned. This must be how half of women felt when they found out they were having a baby: confused. But if they were happily married, like Kate, they probably considered it a good surprise. Right?
She wondered how Mitch would react. Would he be glad or would he act like she did something wrong? After all, he had his own reasons for not wanting a child.
Kate thought about the teenaged girls who had sought her counsel when they found out they were pregnant. Fresh, innocent faces with beige dots of concealer over their pimples. They weren’t exactly “babies having babies” as the school nurse’s poster claimed, but they were way too young. They didn’t know what they would be missing if they chose parenthood at such an early age. Kate usually tried to be positive with them, saying they had three options: adoption, abortion or keeping the baby. Foxworth was such a religious town, though, it was almost as if Roe v. Wade never happened. Most of the girls strongly opposed abortion, believing God wanted them to be a mom. Thus, they also quickly dismissed the possibility of giving the baby away to someone more financially capable of raising it. No matter how gently Kate explained that it would be the most selfless, loving act to put their baby up for adoption, they wouldn’t hear of it. As Kate sat there, her hand resting on her belly, she suddenly understood why.
So far she hadn’t felt any morning sickness. She wondered if her mom had morning sickness. She wished so badly that she could ask her. Maybe Kate actually inherited something good: the no nausea gene.
After an eternity, the doctor bustled in, apologizing for the wait. “A woman eight months pregnant just showed up and she had received absolutely no prenatal care whatsoever.” She sounded appalled. She looked at Kate’s chart and let out a deep breath. “Again, I’m sorry.”
Dr. Voth was probably a little older than Kate. She had understanding eyes and a few gray streaks through her shoulder-length hair. Unlike the hurried nurse, she always seemed to care. That was why Kate kept coming back even though the wait maddened her.
Kate twisted the wedding ring on her finger. The perspiration decreased its viscosity; that’s what Mitch, the engineer, would have said. She laughed silently to herself.
Dr. Voth lifted up a page and looked at the nurse’s notes. “You’re trying to get pregnant?”
“Well, I’m considering it. The nurse said they would do a pregnancy test. . . .” Kate couldn’t finish the sentence.
“So, you want to have a baby.”
Kate wasn’t sure how to answer.
Thumbing through Kate’s chart the doctor asked, “Have you been tested for lupus?”
The blood drained from Kate’s face. “No.”
“Do you realize if that’s what your mother had and now your sister, there’s a greater chance that you will develop the disease, too?”
Slowly Kate nodded her head. Even when she didn’t know the name of what her mom had, she feared that it was genetic. That was why whenever her muscles ached or she couldn’t remember someone’s name she worried that it was beginning.
Dr. Voth wheeled her stool closer to Kate and sat down. “You should also be aware that estrogen is linked to the disease. Getting pregnant can trigger the onset of symptoms in patients who previously had none.”
Kate’s eyes widened; her lips tightened.
“When you’re ready, let me know and I’ll do the exam.”
Kate reclined and scooted her butt toward the end with the ice-cold metal stirrups. She dug her fingernails into her palm—not because it hurt, but because she was so nervous. She silently counted the large square ceiling tiles speckled with tiny random holes. One, two, three, four. . . .
“You should start taking prenatal vitamins.”
“OK.” Eight, nine, ten, eleven. . . .
“You practice the periodic abstinence birth control method, right?”
Fourteen, fifteen. . . .“Yes.” The one endorsed by the Catholic Church, she thought, even though neither she nor Mitch were very religious. Birth control pills made her too emotional, so natural family planning worked best for them.
Dr. Voth stood up. “You look a little tired. Have you been under a lot of stress lately?”
“You could say that. . . .” Tears filled Kate’s eyes. One slid down her cheek. Control yourself, Kate! But she couldn’t. She felt her chest jerk up and down with each sob.
Kate heard the doctor slide off her latex-free gloves and toss them into the trash. She sat up like she always did after a check-up, except she was falling apart. What was wrong with her? She had suppressed the urge to cry so many times before that she didn’t understand why this time she couldn’t.
Dr. Voth handed her a tissue and lightly touched Kate’s shoulder.
Embarrassed, Kate continued to cry. As a counselor, she was usually the one offering comfort, not the one who needed it. She rubbed her eyes with the tissue, trying to stop the tears.
Dr. Voth’s mere proximity helped her calm down.
“My sister was only recently diagnosed,” Kate said.
The doctor handed her two more tissues. “I’m sorry.”
Kate took a halting, deep breath. “That’s OK,” she answered, which was a ridiculous thing to say. After a few minutes, she subdued her sadness.
Anxious to get home, she looked at Dr. Voth. “So, am I really pregnant?”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
On the car ride home Kate prepared her big revelation to Mitch: I have something important to tell you. . . . What would you think if. . . . Maybe we should consider having a baby.
Yet when she arrived, she rushed past Mitch as he watched the evening news. She headed for the bedroom, hoping he wouldn’t see her face.
“Something wrong?”
She kept walking. “Had a doctor’s appointment.”
“Oh.” She had told him before how she dreaded her yearly exam.
“You’re on your own for dinner tonight,” she called as she climbed the stairs, remembering that he had made lasagna the previous night.
Once inside the master suite, she filled their kidney-shaped tub with hot water. On days like this, she thought their giant tub was the best part about their house. Digging through her basket of pastel shower gels and body creams, she selected a purple bottle. She popped open the lid, held it beneath her nose and took in the soothing lilac scent. It reminded her of springtime, when the flowers budded and the birds hatched. Too bad they were heading into winter, the season of desolation and death. She squeezed the bubble bath into the water as if she could deny Mother Nature.
Kate kicked off her heels and undressed for the second time in two hours. This time, however, she was glad to be a woman. She stuck one foot in the hot water, stopping at her ankle to adjust to the heat. A moment later she followed with her other foot. Next she eased her body into the foam until she could lean her head back on the terry cloth pillow.
As she berated herself for not confiding in Mitch, she realized that her head was throbbing. She wished she had her Vogue magazine with her, so she could maybe create a diversion for herself.
As a school counselor, she could get by with wearing khaki pants and a nice top, but she preferred suits and designer dresses. She suspected she was overcompensating for the thrift store clothes Aunt Suzy used to dress her in. As an insecure teenager, Kate had learned how to be a good listener and an attentive friend, hoping no one would notice that her shirts didn’t carry the right logo.
Kate put her big toe up inside the silver faucet. Even though her body relished the warmth of the bath, her mind refused to relax. She had to tell Mitch. She had
to tell him how in a moment of panic over her sister’s situation, she made a decision that was not hers alone to make.
She heard footsteps approaching. Mitch peeked in. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah,” Kate said halfheartedly.
“Have you been crying?”
Her eyelids were probably still tinged with red. “I’m so embarrassed. I actually cried in front of the doctor when I started talking about Joely.” Fortunately she wore waterproof mascara.
Mitch entered the room and sat on the edge of the tub. “That’s because you’re a compassionate person.”
He was so understanding. She felt rotten for withholding her secret. “Mitch, I’ve got something to tell you.” She felt sweat forming like dew above her lip. It was time. “They ran a pregnancy test for me today at the doctor’s office.”
His face froze. “Oh, no.”
Not the response she was hoping for. “Don’t worry,” Kate replied quickly. “It was negative.” Dr. Voth said Kate was probably late because of stress.
“Thank God.”
She bit her lip. She wanted to tell him that she might have had a change of heart about having a baby. But why risk starting a fight when she wasn’t quite convinced she did want one? “It was strange, thinking I was pregnant. What would you have done if I was?”
“I don’t know. It’s good that you’re not.” He stroked her hair then kissed her crown. “I’ll be downstairs.” He seemed anxious to go.
She squeezed her head with her hands. If she told him Joely wanted her to have a baby, he wouldn’t understand. He didn’t realize the bond two sisters shared when they had been through what they had. There was no way he could appreciate the way Joely’s needs intertwined with hers. After all, he was an only child.
Eventually the bubbles dissolved and she abandoned her bath. She thought she heard the phone ring as she opened the medicine cabinet. She picked up the aspirin bottle, shook two tablets into her hand and tossed them into her mouth. Quickly she turned on the faucet and used her hands as a cup. A little of the icky, chalky taste stuck in her throat. She scooped up more cold water and brought it to her lips.
In the top drawer of her dresser she found a fresh pair of rose-colored silk pajamas. Slipping them on usually made her forget her troubles, but not today. She put on the matching pink slippers and gathered her courage to go face Mitch.
When she opened the bedroom door she smelled something wonderful in the air. What’s that? Onions sautéing in butter?
The aroma transported her back to the first time she met Mitch. She had a huge crush on this guy in her college statistics class who reminded her of Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. In an unusually forward move, Kate had asked him to tutor her. When she showed up at his apartment in full make-up, textbook in hand for appearances’ sake, there was Mitch, frying up sausage and onions. And the object of her crush was nowhere to be found.
Apparently Kate’s ulterior motive wasn’t lost on him and the attraction was not mutual. Mitch told her later that he was used to being the buffer between his roommate and girls, but when he met Kate, he knew the guy had made a big mistake. Mitch invited Kate to sit down and eat with him while she naïvely waited. After a couple of hours of easy give-and-take conversation, she realized Mitch offered her the opportunity to be the one listened to instead of always being the one listening. Terrified of repeated rejection, however, she left without suggesting they exchange numbers.
The next few days were such torture as Kate beat herself up for being so timid. They didn’t have any classes together, they didn’t live on the same side of town, and she figured they would probably never see each other again. Until one day outside the Student Union. She was sketching the oldest building on campus for her Design 101 class when Mitch walked up to her and offered his one-dimpled smile. He looked as pleased to have found her as she was. In that instant Kate knew he was the one she always wanted to come home to.
Kate walked through their living room with its vaulted ceilings, noting that the TV was now off. Following her nose into the kitchen, she saw onion peels on the salt-and-pepper-colored granite countertop.
Mitch scraped the food out of the skillet onto one plate. He looked up at Kate and flashed her his irresistible grin. “I’m sorry I can’t stay and eat with you, but Peter called. I have to go back into work.”
Kate’s headache intensified. “Seriously?”
He nodded his head as he reached for his car keys. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. We shouldn’t be taking any more chances. I’m going to get a vasectomy.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Kate had already dialed the phone when she realized her mistake. She couldn’t talk to her about this. She was the last person who could be objective. “Joely?”
“Hi, sis. I’m so glad you called. Today was my first day back at work.”
Kate was so wrapped up in her own fictional pregnancy that she actually forgot about Joely—for once. “How was it?”
“It was amazing. I’m finishing an underwater coral reef scene that I started before I got sick. Kelly offered to send someone else, but the client insisted that he wanted me. Isn’t that flattering? I was so involved in painting that I forgot to eat.”
“I’m happy for you. But you have to remember to take care of yourself.”
“I know,” she said, sounding annoyed.
Kate reminded her that Foxworth High School only had a half-day of school on Friday so she could drive up early to her place. Joely said she already had plans with Abina and suggested her sister meet her at the art museum instead on Saturday. Kate readily agreed, pleased that Joely was re-connecting with her friend.
“Guess what else,” Joely exclaimed.
Kate pulled the curtains above the sink to hide the dark sky. “What?”
“I applied to be a Big Sister.”
Ignoring the plate of food on the counter, Kate sat down on the couch. “Like at the Boys & Girls Club?”
“Yes. That way I can be there for a girl the way you were there for me growing up.”
Kate couldn’t help but smile, touched that Joely appreciated her. Especially now that Kate knew how she’d dropped the ball when she’d left for college. “But don’t you think you’re biting off more than you can chew? I mean, you’re just getting back to work. . . .”
“No. This is exactly what I need. I need a purpose.”
“I understand that. But why don’t you wait a few months to see how you’re feeling?”
“I feel fine. Better than fine. Kate, I’m so excited. I can really make a difference in someone’s life.”
Kate nodded, knowing the satisfaction that came from being needed. That was what she felt every day. That was what a big sister did, a counselor did. . . a mother did.
“I never would have survived at Aunt Suzy’s if it hadn’t been for you.”
Then they rehashed their miserable childhoods, Kate reminding Joely of incidents as needed, to keep the momentum going. Afterward, she wondered why she couldn’t stop herself; it was like scratching a mosquito bite until it bled.
# # #
The next morning Mitch left for work while Kate showered, leaving so many things unsaid. While she ate breakfast, the telephone rang. She caught her breath, hoping it was Mitch. When she answered, all she heard were sobs. “Mrs. Hopper—uh—uh—it’s Michelle. I won’t be in school today.”
“What’s wrong?” Kate asked, her heart pained from the sound of the teen mother’s gasping. Students rarely called her at home unless it was serious.
“Frank. . . left me. He said he just couldn’t handle it.” Michelle cried some more.
Crew cut man took the easy way out. Kate wasn’t surprised. “Oh, Michelle. I’m so sorry. Why don’t you go to school and come directly to my office? We can talk this out.”
“No, you don’t understand. He took the car. And I can’t bring Gracie on the school bus because she has to be in a car seat. I have no way to get there. Please let my teachers know.”
Kate could hear the finality in her words. After all she had accomplished—catching up in her studies after missing the first two weeks at Foxworth High, spending her lunch break in the nurse’s office eating while simultaneously pumping breast milk, sacrificing precious time with her baby girl, once she was home, in order to study Newton’s Laws or Hemingway—she wasn’t going to make it to graduation.
Kate should have seen this coming. Being a teen mom was like navigating an obstacle course with a twenty-pound weight strapped to your back. In the beginning it looked doable, but as time went on, the weight grew heavier and heavier and the moms eventually gave up because it was just too much. But Kate thought Michelle was different. Michelle was determined. She had an academic drive that was rare even among adolescents that didn’t have the burden of a baby to care for. Kate admired her. Michelle could not quit now.
Kate took a deep breath. “Listen to me, Michelle. I will see what I can do to arrange transportation for you to get to school. Let me make some calls, OK?”
“But with Frank gone, I don’t have anyone to watch Gracie during the day.”
Kate’s jaw clenched. Think. Maybe she could sweet-talk Vicki Larson, the school’s day- care director, to accept one more baby. She wasn’t sure. There was a waiting list. “Can you think of anyone who can watch her? A relative? A friend?” As Kate recalled, Michelle’s mom was glad to see her go.
“I don’t have any family here and I don’t know anyone well enough that I would trust them with Gracie.”
Kate admired her protectiveness. “Let me see what I can do, Michelle. We’ll figure something out,” she said, even though she had her doubts. After she hung up the phone, she looked at her watch. She was going to be late for work. Again.
As soon as she arrived in her office, she picked up the phone and called transportation. Since the director was unavailable, she left a detailed message with his secretary. She printed Michelle’s schedule and plotted out when teachers had their prep hours throughout the day.
A Sister's Promise (Promises) Page 9