“Looks great.”
“Thank you.” Selby sliced a bite and watched me, ever attentive as I chewed.
“So tasty.”
Alex agreed. “Man, am I spoiled.”
We laughed. For the remainder of our meal, we talked about the case success and Selby’s upcoming school year, then Alex’s current status with his contracts since Fields had settled down.
Near the end of dinner, Selby switched gears. “So...talked to Dean?”
I’d finished my last bite of lamb, and having sat back in my chair satisfied, I was bewildered to find them both eyeing me. “Not yet, no.”
“Huh.”
“Huh, what?”
Selby lowered her fork to her plate. “I’m surprised, I guess. You two had such a spark.”
“I thought you didn’t like him?”
“He’s pretty into you, and he’s persistent. I like that.”
I fingered my fork.
“He’s called Alex at least ten times in the last week.”
My heart thumped. “He has?”
Selby nudged his arm. “Tell her.”
Alex gave her a look to indicate she shouldn’t have said anything and shifted in his seat. “Yeah. He’s called a bit.”
“Interesting,” I said.
He splayed his hands. “Listen, the guy likes you. A ton. You’ve got to give him credit for that.”
What a change from our normal chats about my relationships, usually casual and frivolous. My tongue felt dry, like the two of them were about to grill me. I mumbled, “I like him, too.”
“Yeah, we know. You’ve been moping, according to Selby.”
I glared at her, but Alex knocked on the table with a smirk.
“Hey, I told you both of you would get fucked up over this. Was I correct?”
I mulled it over as Selby started to pick up the plates.
She piled them in the sink and came back, then focused on me. “Maybe think about talking to him.”
“I am thinking about talking to him! But I’m trying to sort shit out in my head first.”
“How much shit do you need to sort out? He likes you. You like him. You’re both happy together.” Selby smiled. “Plus, my friend Maya always tells me it’s all about opportunities. Maybe this is yours.”
“Please,” I said.
“I’m serious!”
“I know.”
Selby drummed her fingers on the table, then blew a kiss at Alex. They shared one of the moments I’d come to love between them—gazing at one another, having a private conversation with no words. Alex winked at her, and she raised her glass. “Let’s have a toast!”
I refilled my wine and held it up, and Alex did the same.
Selby said, “Here’s to opportunities and making progress. Maya’s client is doing well, and you, honey, you’re amazing and I’m so proud of you.”
Alex tilted his glass toward her. “And I’m forever proud of you, sweetheart.” He reached for his pocket. “So, uh, speaking of opportunities...”
Both Selby and I watched, curious.
“What are you...?” She gave him a confused look, but he took something from his pocket and dropped to the floor beside her.
“Holy shit,” I said. I sucked in a breath when I realized what was going on, but bit my lip to keep from saying anything more.
Selby’s eyes widened in shock. “Honey?”
I set down my glass, my stomach fluttering. This was so sweet!
Alex took her hand and held up a ring, and Selby released a muffled squeal. “Sweetheart, I’ve been waiting for the best time, but it occurred to me today that right here, with your best friend and you being wonderful, generous, caring you—this is the time.”
Selby’s face turned beet red, her eyes sparkling with tears. I covered my mouth, thrilled to witness this and trying not to ruin the moment with a shriek of excitement for her.
“Will you marry me, Selby?”
“Alex, yes!”
Selby dropped down on the floor in an instant, her arms around him while both of them laughed in joy. I started clapping like a lunatic. I’d known it was coming, but here, in front of me? I couldn’t be happier for them.
I grinned as my best friend and her fiancé kissed, both of them glowing and almost forgetting I was there. I was too happy for them to care.
Soon, Alex pulled away to slide the ring on Selby’s finger. Her face was plastered with glee when he swept her off the floor and into a full-body hug.
I lifted my glass. “Now that’s progress and opportunity! Congratulations! I love you both!”
I took a sip of my drink while they glided into the living room. They swayed close together, as if they had their own shared soundtrack in their heads. I sat on the couch cheering them on for a few minutes, but when my buzz had worn off, I went into the kitchen and put away the leftover dinner dishes. Then I peered out the window. The sun would set in a couple of hours, but the foggy sky hosted dark clouds plump with rain. If it did rain tonight, my two friends would cuddle close, celebrating the promise of their future together.
The thought reverberated in me, and it made it impossible to think about anyone but Dean.
I had to talk to him. I had to deal.
I grabbed my purse and pulled out my phone, hesitating for a moment before I nodded my head with certainty. Taking a seat at the table, I dialed his number.
He answered on the second ring. “Hi, Maya,” he said. His voice was higher than normal, windy. “How are you?”
“I’m...okay. How are you?”
“Okay. Worried.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been distant.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m glad you called. I miss you.”
I strummed my fingers across the tablecloth, that warmth that was so familiar and comforting with him slipping over me. I couldn’t keep shutting him out. “I miss you, too. Where are you?”
“Berkeley. I just finished up on site a little while ago... I was thinking I might meet my brother for a drink before I head home.”
“Oh.”
We were quiet a few seconds before Dean spoke again.
“It’s not set. Evan hasn’t answered my text, not yet.” I knew his brother lived close by in Oakland, but the lack of real plans and Dean already in the vicinity gave me hope.
I took a breath. “Maybe we can meet up and talk, soon?”
“Now?” He sounded relieved. “Where are you?”
“I’m at Selby’s. But I meant when you’re free—”
“I’m free now,” he said, his voice firm. “I can meet Evan another time. Would now work for you?”
“Yeah. It does.” I curled my fingers into a fist and tucked them in my lap, ignoring my urge to avoid yet again. I’m not ready to talk because I’m a big pansy wasn’t going to fly.
I had to do it.
Dean said, “All right. I’m on my way. You’ll be there?”
“Yes. I’ll stay put until you’re here.”
“Good. I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay.” I took the phone from my ear and exhaled while the call closed on my screen. I knew Dean. I trusted him. He wasn’t like the men I’d dated who weren’t close enough to hear my story, nor was he like the boyfriend who’d made me feel like my past was this crippling thing I couldn’t talk about, lest I mar the free woman I’d become. I needed to tell him for clarity. For honesty.
I couldn’t run away anymore, not with how I felt about him.
I left my phone on the table and went back into the living room, the joy on Selby and Alex’s faces soothing the tension in my shoulders. When she saw me, Selby broke from Alex and ran over to throw her arms around me.
“You okay?”
“Yea
h.” I squished her tight. “I’m really happy for you two.”
“Thank you,” she said.
“And I called Dean. He’s on his way.”
“Oh, thank God.” She kept me tight in her arms, and I sighed against the friend who knew me better than anyone. She smiled when she pulled away. “I think you two will be okay.”
“I do, too.”
Alex came up behind Selby, curving his arms around her waist and kissing her on the cheek. She turned to kiss him back, then led him to the couch.
“Come on. Maya invited Dean over. You can have me all to yourself once he gets here,” she said.
Alex chuckled, and I sat beside them with a grin. And for the next twenty minutes, I listened while the two of them bounced around wedding ideas and flirted like the adorable couple I knew they were over another glass of wine.
When a knock came from the door, though, my reality intervened.
Alex moved to answer it, pausing with his hand around the handle and a serious expression on his face. “You all good?”
“Yeah.” I rose from the couch, my heart racing.
I can do this.
I could. It was time.
I circled the couch as Alex opened the door, and my breath caught in my throat when I saw Dean outside.
Chapter Eighteen
Time stood still as Dean stood at the door, an eternity reminding me I’d run instead of talked, ignored the feelings we’d shared rather than embracing them, and had even suppressed a part of me by not admitting what had scared me. My hand fluttered to my heart, and a wash of nerves crept through my face and limbs.
It had only been two weeks, but I was struck by how gorgeous Dean was. The waves of his hair had grown out a tad, and he’d acquired more of a tan over his dark olive skin that looked shockingly handsome and rugged against the rich slate gray of his eyes. His broad chest filled out his button-up shirt before tapering to the stomach that lay toned and sexy as hell beneath all that fabric, and I felt the familiar urge to throw myself forward. I wanted an embrace that would let me feel the rub of his chest on mine, and the strength of his muscles against my softness.
“Hi,” he said.
I gathered my breath. “Hi.”
“Come on in.” Alex gestured inside, and Dean stepped into the entry, his gaze locked with mine.
“I hope it’s okay,” he said.
“Yep,” Alex said.
“It’s totally fine,” Selby said. “We were celebrating. Look!” She held up her hand and he advanced, flashing that insanely sexy grin of his when he clasped her fingers and admired the ring.
“That’s fantastic! Nicely done! So cool, you two.” He patted Alex on the back, then he faced me. “I don’t want to get in the way of a celebration, but... I wanted to see Maya.”
God I missed him. Standing this close to him, I felt the magnetism, as if my body wasn’t mine to control when he neared me. From behind him, Selby gave a thumbs up.
“Perfect!” she said. “Because I’m ready to do naughty things with my fiancé...and you know if I’m saying that, I’ve had plenty to drink and I’m damn happy.”
Alex laughed as she pointed at the door.
“I love you two, but off you go.”
“Wow, Selby,” I said. I walked past Dean, not sure what to say or do next. I’d called him, but there was still so much to say. Did I embrace him? Did I take his hand?
How the fuck was this supposed to go?
After I gave Alex a hug, he opened the door. “Night, kids,” he said.
Dean followed me onto the porch, silent while I bent to slide my boots back on under my skirt. When I stood upright, I wanted to melt. His face was freshly shaven, but still I found the short scar accentuated by his smile, the same scar I always grew too stupefied in his presence to ask about.
He pointed toward the road. “Let’s walk.”
I stumbled down the porch stairs, stopping at my car to throw my purse in the trunk. Dean waited, and when I wandered off in the direction of the trail that curved out of the cul-de-sac and down behind the row of houses onto the coastal trail, he followed. My brain spun with the best way to say it all, half of me aching to bury it like I had too many times before, but the rest of me knowing if I did and we continued this thing, I’d be screwed.
The air warmed my skin despite the graying skies, the tumble of clouds as dark as the tension I needed to break. As we approached the shore, the bay churned against the sand in residual crests from the crossing ferries. We took the last few steps onto the pebbled path, a stretch of land that on a Friday night was all but deserted.
“Why have you been avoiding me?” he asked.
“Because I don’t know how to say what I need to say. It...scares me to say it.”
Dean grabbed my hand, the pads of his fingers rough but warm and familiar. I envisioned them gliding over my skin, frustrated with how readily I fell under his spell. How did he do this to me, even now?
“Stop. Try.”
He whirled me around to face him, seizing my shoulders and boring into me with that storm in his eyes as if pleading with me to share, and I shuddered at the pressure of his grasp. How I loved this hold, the way he took command with me. Why had I run away instead of talked?
“Tell me. Did I push you too far?”
“Not intentionally.” I said it with certainty. I looked up the subtle upsweep of the coast behind us, the row of waterfront homes hovering like silent observers to the conversation I’d avoided. Dean’s eyes were calm, encouraging. “Everything was fine, and I wanted it. It’s just, he...” I clamped my mouth shut. Fuck, why did I have so much trouble spitting out the words?
“Be honest with me. Always honest. Open! This doesn’t work if we don’t talk. What the hell is the matter?”
“I didn’t feel safe,” I snapped. He stared at me, dumbfounded. But his arms were fast around my waist, tender and holding me close.
“Why? What happened?”
I pressed my cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
“Please...tell me what’s going on.”
“I...” When he held me tighter, I lifted my eyes to his. “Part of it is my past. I don’t like to talk about it because it’s messy.”
“Whose isn’t?” Dean caressed my back. “You can tell me. It’s bothering you. Out with it.”
“Let’s sit.” I took his hand and led him farther down the shore. A splotchy patch of grass lay beneath a lone tree jutting out from the shore, the area close to the water and tucked out of view from the path. I guided him down the rocks to sit with me there. When we settled onto the ground, Dean folded his legs—patient and calm. Giving me whatever space necessary to talk and making me realize I’d been foolish to hold back this long. Dean trusted me to tell him what was going on in my head, and I’d robbed him of any chance to help me by not sharing the painful parts of my past. I wasn’t this carefree, unscarred person I kept portraying myself to be, but I wasn’t a damaged thing who had to shield those around me from who I really was, either.
As Dean stared at me, I knew the truth: he cared enough to know all of it.
All of me.
Pushing aside my worry, I started to tell him about my relationship with Charlie. I didn’t cry, I didn’t fidget; I was past that, needing him to understand where I was coming from and how important it was for me to feel safe. Dean never interrupted despite the wince that crossed his face multiple times. When I shared what had happened with the man, then what I could about Carrie—how her case had struck too close to home, spiraling out of control when I’d been in the worst possible headspace—he took my hands into his and made gentle strokes along my fingers.
Dean remained quiet after I finished, processing everything I’d dumped on him after keeping it to myself for all this time. The s
kies above had turned darker, and as the sun neared its descent, a mist filled the air around us, the charge of the approaching rain drawing up the hairs on my arm.
“When I’m with you, there’s something about what happens between us...” I paused, wetting my lips, awed by the warmth of his fingertips, by how silly I’d been to keep everything inside. “You take me on this wild ride, Dean. It’s pure magic, but I swear I check out of my head because it’s so good. That intensity makes me feel out of control. That... God, it scares me more than anything. And when you’re not there—how am I supposed to know I’m safe if I’m under your care but you’re not around? Crap, we didn’t know the guy. You can’t just shove a stranger on me. Did you even like the idea?” I frowned at the mix of emotions burdening my head. I’d loved the idea...but it had gone all wrong.
Dean leaned toward me, his face downcast. “I liked it because you were into it. But I shouldn’t have left you alone. I never would have if I’d known it would take so long.” His voice came heavy, parched. “Or if I’d known all this. I’m sorry.”
“It was a fluke. I know that. It just... Fuck. It was too much.” I gulped. “And I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry.”
We sat there for a moment, motionless. Caught in the spell that endlessly wove itself around us, in the silent communication of our cells as if they were ignited by our mere proximity.
“I never want you to feel unsafe. I should have been more careful, even without knowing about...” He turned my hands palm up, tracing the sensitive skin of my forearm. When he reached my inner elbow, he etched circles with his fingertips. “Do you remember when I told you I hadn’t really done this with anyone?”
Butterflies filled my stomach, and I squeezed his fingers in response.
“I wasn’t kidding. This thing we do—it’s different, heavier. It’s new for me, too. We’re making the rules as we go. If you’re not comfortable or being open about how you’re feeling, I can’t possibly know it’s not okay. Do you understand that?”
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