I nodded, pinning a media-ready smile on my face, getting dizzy from the buzz dancing around me.
Eloise squealed, hugging me tightly. Alexander and Catherine, and even Grannie air kissed me with their congratulatory welcome-to-the-family spiel. A fiancée in the royal world was pretty much the same as a wife.
You were in.
Mafia-style.
Panic wailed inside me, my heart tearing through my chest. I clutched a glass of champagne as toasts and congratulations bubbled and sparked like tiny explosions, slicing through my poised smile with a cringe. Extreme desire to have the wind in my hair, racing across a field on horseback, fleeing from this, itched my limbs like a rash.
Trying to steady myself, I turned away from Theo, my gaze pulled to the one person in the room not celebrating.
Lennox.
In the dimness of the shadows, he leaned against the wall, one hand in his pocket, blue-hazel eyes burrowed into me. His face impassive, I still saw the anger. The accusation. Thought you weren’t with Theo? You fuck me and get engaged on the same night?
He tugged on something in his pocket. A zing of desire shot up my spine, realizing it was my knickers. He pushed off the wall, his head shaking, and he turned away from me.
Everything in my chest ached, the impulse to run after him moved my feet a few steps.
Lennox…my soul cried out his name as I watched him say something to Dalton, then sauntered right out of the room, never looking back.
“Darling!” Theo held out his hand for me. “The Prime Minister wants a picture with us.”
Lacing my fingers through his, he tugged me to him. My gaze met his. Fierce. Angry.
“We’ll talk later, okay?” he whispered to me. “Right now is not the time. Come on; this is our engagement party, Spence. Everything will work itself out. Let’s have fun tonight.”
I stayed silent, doing my duty, smiling and acting the part everyone wanted me to. I quickly realized I was inconsequential to the story. Any girl could be here.
No one noticed…
Not one person saw…
I never told Theo yes.
Chapter 8
My lids cracked open with a grunt. A glinting off my finger made my lashes pinch together, my head retreating into my pillow. For one blissful moment, my brain was blank before the flood of memories collided into my mind. My lids burst open, and I stared down at the ostentatious diamond ring on my hand.
Shite.
The tiny crumb of hope that this was some twisted nightmare dissolved.
A swirl of contradicting emotions battled in my chest. Guilt, anger, fear, desire. Theo, Alexander, my family, Lord William…Lennox.
I could still feel him, my body waking hungry. Raw. Sore.
By the time I got the chance to slip out of the gala, telling Theo I was in pain and had a headache, I had had enough. I got back to my room and collapsed on my mattress, barely getting the dress off before crawling into bed naked. My head hit the pillow and didn’t move.
With a groan, I rolled over, grabbing my cell off the side table. It was full of messages, but none of them were from him. Hey, saw you leave. Just checking in. I sent the message to Lennox, trying to keep it somewhat innocent since the mobiles here monitored. I really wanted to ask if he was longing for my touch like I was his. I wanted to know if he wished he was here, settled between my legs like I wanted.
No response.
Sighing, I turned on my side, the winter sun glowing against my blinds, curling me into my sheets, not ready to deal with the day. My thoughts couldn’t stop drifting to my bodyguard. Images of our tangled bodies, the sounds we made, the feel of him, my skin flushed with heat. I still didn’t regret it, at all, even if it was wrong.
Recalling every delicious sensation he inflicted in my body, the ghost of his presence skated over my skin. Need pulsed between my thighs so vibrantly, my hand slid down my torso, needing to relieve the pressure.
“Watch me fuck you. I want you to see what I’m doing to you.” Hearing his voice rumble in my head spiked desire instantly through me, stealing my breath. My fingers finding me, I imagined they were his. A huffed moan panted from my lips, the ache growing stronger.
So many times, I had tried to picture Theo when I was alone, even after we had sex. I never wanted to admit his face never stuck. He would become faceless, the man in my head aggressive and dominant, passion turning us feral.
Lennox was ruling my head, every bit of him in detail. The feel of him, the fantasy he was here heating me to the point it hurt. A burning strummed at my legs as I felt myself climb, seeking the release. My head tipped back in the pillows, the edge nearing.
Oh god…harder…Lennox! I yelled out in my mind, my hand working faster, a deep groan building in the back of my throat.
A knock sounded a moment before the door swung open, and Heidi barreled in, scrambling me back into my pillow with a yelp.
“What the hell?” I yanked the sheets up to my chest, my cheeks burning a deep crimson. Did she see?
“Time to get moving, princess. You have a full day.” Head down, staring at her tablet, she didn’t even look up at me.
“You don’t just come barging into my room!” I lashed at her, my body confused at the sudden change, embarrassment and desire swirling together in perplexity.
“I knocked.” She tapped on her screen, all her attention on the device.
“What if I wasn’t alone?”
“The Prince is in the breakfast room.” She swiped and tapped like the tablet was a piano.
He wasn’t who I was thinking of.
“Your day is extremely busy, so we have no time to lollygag.” She finally looked up, folding the tablet to her chest. “Get in the shower. A stylist will be here in ten.”
“Stylist?”
“Now that you are officially engaged, Chloe has hired a team for you. If you thought the attention on you before was bad, just wait. Your image, every time you step out these doors, is now RH property. We need to establish your style.” Her nose wrinkled as she peered down at my Chucks on the floor. “Which will be designed and approved by the RH.”
“Excuse me? Approved?”
“Spencer, this can’t be a surprise for you. You know how this works. You are no longer a lowly common girl who wears these.” She bunted at my grubby shoes with her toe. “You will be princess and then queen. How you hold yourself, appear, wear your hair, jewelry, things you can’t possibly dream of will be a leading headline on social media. Loved and hated. Scrutinized. At every turn ridiculed and praised. A dress you wear will become the next huge thing. Sunglasses, a necklace, a book they see you reading…you touch it, and it will sell out everywhere. Your influence could launch or kill a career. Every designer in the world will beg you to wear their creations. Every outfit and accessory is now important. You hold a bag they find is tied to animal cruelty or horrid working conditions, and you will be torn to shreds. And with you, the Royal House is shamed as well. Your image is our image. You are public property now. RH will control how the public sees you. Every detail will need approval.”
Somewhere I knew these things, but I had been far enough away not to really think about them. I would look at Theo and Eloise as everyone else did, not realizing how much went into a casual outfit or a bag they carried.
The cage continued to shrink. I was never the girl who put a lot of effort into my appearance, to my mother’s chagrin. It exhausted me. Other things seemed much more important. I preferred throwing my hair up into a ponytail and putting on jeans, riding boots, and a top from a chain store on High Street.
“Your day is booked with engagements. So much to be done. Top designers are already contacting us about your wedding and reception dresses. We will pick four dresses for you to choose from. Victoria Abbey will be the wedding venue, of course.” Every royal has gotten married in the famous royal abbey. That wasn’t even a choice. You were inducted, married, and buried there. “The King has already stated the first reception will
be held here, the private one at their summer castle, and the castle up north for your honeymoon.”
My wedding…my life… planned out, without one suggestion or preference from me. Again, I was inconsequential to the story. And the public didn’t care either. They wanted their fairytale, not caring I was a real person, but someone they could live through, pretending life was unicorns and rainbows, some romantic story in a fable.
Those stupid tales really screwed people up.
“Go! Go!” Heidi yelled, gesturing to the bathroom, propelling me up and straight into the shower. I scrubbed at my hair, getting all the product out of it from the night before, going easier on my skin. I still had pain from the bombing, but the sensation of Lennox dominated, like he was still there, refusing to leave.
“Stylist is here!” Heidi screamed at me after only five minutes.
I needed to talk to Theo. End this all now. As awful as my actions were, Theo wasn’t in the right either. What he did... Anger bristled up my spine, and as I got into a robe, I was ready to stomp out and find him.
I stopped short, blinking at the room full of people staring back at me.
“This is Tom.” Heidi motioned to the man standing in my room, not even looking up from her device. Tom was dressed impeccably in a skinny gray suit with a yellow handkerchief and blue and yellow tie, his hair styled in a slicked back undercut.
“Oh, darling!” Tom came right at me, air kissing my cheeks, his horde of people behind him, dipping in some bow or curtsy. “Look at you! You are so naturally beautiful. This hair! Gorgeous, but it desperately needs me.” He tugged on my wet strands. “We’ll pop the color a bit more and cut it into an actual style. Oh, honey, your skin is so dry. And those freckles are adorable for a farm girl, but not the princess, am I right?” He tore around me like a hurricane, shoving me into a studio chair they had set up, snapping his fingers at his assistants to move.
“Let’s get to work!” They all lurched for me, kicking in my panic button.
Right then, a tray of tea, coffee, croissants, and fruit was wheeled into my room. More figures bustled about me, fawning or acting like I was nothing more than a mannequin.
I felt suffocated. Trapped.
This place almost brainwashed you, turning you into their little Zombie Barbie for them to mold into their perfect version of a princess.
“Stop,” I ordered the handful of people enveloping me. No one heard me, speaking to each other. “I said stop,” I spoke louder.
“Coffee or tea, my lady?”
“Coffee—”
“Tea!” Tom replied over the blast from the hairdryer. “Coffee dehydrates the skin and stains teeth.” The maid listened to him, setting a cup of tea on the table next to me.
I hated tea. It was the final straw. My vision became spotty with rage, the phoenix rising.
“I. Said. Stop!” Deep and guttural, my temper flared, shoving me up on my feet, people stumbling back. “Back off!”
The talking, the hairdryer, and movement stopped, everyone going silent. Still. Like they were put in a room with a rabid animal.
I rammed through the horrified expressions, ignoring Heidi’s call as I charged out of the room, feeling every bit the feral beast. I just no longer cared.
“Theo!” I barked for him, staff leaping out of my way as I descended the passage, heading for the breakfast room, not caring my hair was wet and I was only in a robe.
“Theo!” I screamed his name, coming around the corner to the elegant room
Fuck. My. Life.
The entire royal family, including Grannie, sat around the table, gracefully drinking their tea and nibbling on breakfast.
“Of course,” I muttered to myself.
“Spence?” Theo stood up, his brows furrowing. “Are you all right?”
“Am I all right?” My poignant stare drove into him. “Do you I look all right?”
“You look a fright, my dear. And screaming like that through the palace? So vulgar. Common.” The dowager sipped her cup, her voice snotty. “The staff will see you, and we certainly do not want them to. Please go back to your room and become more presentable, like a lady, before you ever walk these hallways again.”
I wanted to show her where she could shove her notions. To her being “common” was vulgar, like we were all wild and undomesticated.
“Grandmother, things aren’t as uptight as they used to be. I’ve wanted to come down in my robe most of the time.” Eloise winked at me, not at all fazed by me.
“But you haven’t. Because there are standards here. Propriety. And she needs to understand this as soon as possible.” The King’s eyes flashed from her to me. “Do not ever come out of the privacy of your chamber like this again, Spencer.” Standing up, he wiped at his mouth, his footman right there, helping him slip on his jacket. “I expect you at the meeting, Theo,” he announced and strolled out.
Catherine stared at me, her expression empty, though I thought I detected a hint of sadness, of longing. The rumor was she had left a lover behind because she was chosen to marry the King. Was she like me at one time? Fighting and clawing to keep a piece of herself, and eventually, it broke her. Took her under.
“Theo?” It wasn’t a question, but a demand, my bare feet padding toward the kitchen.
“Not even married yet and already getting the wife glare from her!” Eloise laughed. “Theo’s in the doghouse.”
“Shut up,” he grumbled, his shoes clipping the floor behind me, following me into the only room which felt comfortable to me, which had more to do with Lennox than the actual space.
“Give us the room.” I heard my voice speak to the staff in the kitchen, full and authoritative, sounding very much like a future monarch.
One I would hate.
You could see they didn’t like the royal in waiting ordering them around already, but they stopped what they were doing and exited. I could hear it already: “She’s not even a princess yet and already acting like she rules the place.”
The moment the last person disappeared out the door, I swung around, fire burning in my chest.
“Wow. You are a natural. I don’t think they’ve even taken my orders like that before.” Theo smiled down at me like he had no idea what was coming.
“How could you?” I seethed.
“Spence—” Theo reached for me.
“No.” I shoved his hands away. “What. The. Fuck. Theo? How could you do that to me?”
“What? Want to marry you? Give you the most romantic proposal?”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
He shifted on his feet.
“Do you or do you not remember being in this very room yesterday morning? When we broke up!”
“We didn’t break up. We had a fight. You only needed a moment to cool down.”
“Theo!” I bellowed, my arms flying out. “I told you I wasn’t happy. That I didn’t want this anymore. Am I going crazy? You did hear me, right?”
“Yes.” He licked his lips, turning his head to the side. “I know it’s scary and overwhelming being part of this whole circus, but I love you, Spencer. We can work through all that. It will calm down, and everything will be perfect.”
“Oh my god.” I pressed my hands into my forehead, feeling like I stepped into some alternative universe. “Theo, are you even listening to me?”
“I am, but I know you, Spence. You flip out easy, but once you calm down, you realize you freaked out for nothing.”
I couldn’t deny I was set to react first, the flame in me igniting on defense before I took a breath and realized it wasn’t that bad.
“This is different.” A surge of sadness sizzled my throat with bile, my lids blinking as I slipped off the ring. “I can’t marry you, Theo.”
His body stilled, his breathing moving his chest in rapid motion.
“I’m sorry. Trust me; I went into this believing it all could work out. That love was enough.”
“And you don’t now?” Cold, his tone sliced throug
h the room.
“No.” I gnawed on my lip.
“Do you love me?” He clipped out each syllable.
I swallowed, not able to meet his gaze.
“Spencer? Do you love me? Yes or no.”
“It’s not that black and white.”
“Yes.” He clutched my chin, turning it up to him, anger and pain glinting in his irises. “It is.”
“You’re my first love. I will always love you…”
“But?” he ground out.
“I’m not in love with you,” I croaked out softly, a tear rolling down my cheek. “Not enough.”
It was as if I’d stabbed him in the heart. Pain and grief filled his expression as much as he tried to hide it; devastation gurgled in his throat as he stepped back, turning away from me.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head, not facing me. “I don’t want to hear your pity.”
“It’s not pity, Theo. I care about you so much. You were my friend first, and hurting you is killing me.”
“But not enough to stay with me.”
“What?”
“What did I do wrong?” He twisted around, and I stumbled back. “What happened to make you stop loving me?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. “You are wonderful…just not for me.”
“Bloody hell, Spencer.” He started to pace. “You were it for me. I was so happy thinking about marrying you, moving out of here, settling down, having kids.”
“Did you even think once if it was the life I wanted? I don’t even know if I want kids.”
“What?” His head jerked to me, his eyes wide. “You don’t want a family?”
“Family, yes. Kids…I don’t know. They are not mutually exclusive.” I replied, my voice rising. “I shouldn’t have to know right now. I’m not even twenty. I’m sure the PR team has already set dates on when I should conceive and when the second child should come. And if I decided I didn’t want kids? Oh my god… the media, this family, the public…you. I would be ridiculed and shamed. That’s what I’m getting at. We’re so young. I should be at Uni, getting drunk and staying up all night studying. Instead, I wake up to stylist controlling what I wear, how my hair should look, and I guess having freckles is against princess code. Everything out of my mouth is practically scripted. I already know where I’ll be married and buried.”
Royal Command (Royal Watch Book 2) Page 9