‘Where’s Barbara?’
‘She and a couple of the other women have gone into the village. Apparently there’s a little boutique Cynthia has been gushing about.’
‘Then why are you here?’
‘I have an operative tailing them.’
She stopped and blinked up at him. ‘You have operatives?’
His lips twitched. ‘I have several, and this one is female. Believe me, she’ll blend in much better than I ever could on a shopping trip.’ He gestured to the door where they’d stopped. ‘Do you need a hand?’
‘Certainly not.’
‘Then you have to promise me to not lock the door.’
‘Will you promise not to come in?’
He crossed his heart. ‘Unless you call me.’
‘Deal.’
She wasn’t sick, although it felt like a close run thing for a minute or two. Splashing cold water on her face had helped. So did the glass of water Jack pressed on her once they reached their room again.
He fluffed up the pillows and then helped her onto the bed to sit up against them. It made her feel oddly cared for.
‘I’m sorry to be such a bother,’ she mumbled. ‘I’ve never had a sleeping tablet before.’ She wouldn’t have had one last night either if she’d known what it was.
‘They don’t agree with everyone.’ He touched the backs of his fingers to her forehead. ‘But your colour is returning and you don’t feel hot.’
Don’t focus on his touch! ‘That’s good, right?’
One side of his mouth hooked up. ‘That’s good.’
Don’t focus on his smile! ‘The snuffbox wasn’t in Barbara’s purse.’
He eased away from her, all businesslike and professional again, and she tried to tell herself that she was pleased about that.
‘I’m going to go and check her room.’
‘What? Now?’
‘No time like the present.’
She swallowed and called out, ‘Be careful.’
But as he was practically out of the room by the time she’d uttered the caution, he probably didn’t hear it.
Sitting there, with her pulse racing too hard and her ears primed for Barbara’s return, was even more nerve-racking than the night he’d searched the house in Mayfair.
She wondered why he was doing this when he didn’t have to. She’d made it clear that she’d sign the divorce papers whether he helped her or not.
Because he wanted closure?
She rested her head back against the pillows. Things had grown so complicated between them five years ago. It occurred to her now that she hadn’t moved on from then—last night’s argument had proved that. She’d only pretended to. And this morning proved that she needed to stop craving that sense of belonging she’d only ever felt with him. She had to put that behind her too.
It was time to stop feeling like half a person. It was time to get on with her life.
And there was only one way to achieve that.
The door opened and Jack moved back inside. She raised an eyebrow.
He shook his head. ‘Nothing.’
‘I’m starting to think she’s telling the truth—that she didn’t take it.’ She frowned. ‘Except...’
He sat in the chair on the other side of the room. ‘Except...?’
‘Before I fell asleep last night, I heard her talking to my father.’
He raised an eyebrow.
‘Not a hallucination—give me some credit, Jack. She was staring out of the window, talking to the dead like we all probably do from time to time.’
‘Speak for yourself.’ He shuffled forward an inch. ‘What did she say?’
‘She asked my father why he’d made things so hard, and...’ She frowned trying to remember more clearly. ‘And something about why was he making her do this...or something along those lines.’
‘Your father left you everything?’
‘Everything.’
‘Without a single condition?’
‘Condition-free.’
He shook his head and settled back in the chair. ‘I could’ve sworn he’d make the management of your mother’s trust a condition of the will.’
‘I told him not to bother—that I refused to be dictated to that way.’
‘And he believed you?’
She almost laughed. ‘He ought to have done. I told him often enough. Why?’
‘Just trying to get a handle on why he did what he did.’
She’d given up on that. It was an impossible task.
She and Jack both fell quiet. Her heart started to pound. She recalled Barbara’s words from last night—about the way Caro was controlled and self-contained, and how she avoided confrontation. Five years ago she’d thought Jack had known how much she loved him. Maybe he hadn’t. Maybe she hadn’t been demonstrative enough.
‘I’m going to talk about the elephant in the room,’ she announced, her mouth going dry.
‘What elephant?’
‘The termination I had five years ago.’
Every muscle in his body bunched, as if she’d just hit him and he was waiting to see if the blow would fell him. Her heart burned so hard it made it difficult to continue. Except she had to continue. If Jack knew the truth maybe he wouldn’t hate her so badly—maybe he wouldn’t carry such a great weight of bitterness around with him. And...and maybe he’d find happiness with this new woman he had in his life.
The thought reduced her heart to ashes.
She moistened her lips, ignoring the blackness welling inside her. ‘I spent hours and hours in those first weeks after you’d gone trying to work out why you’d left the way you had.’
She’d returned from work one evening to find every trace of him removed from their shared flat and a note informing her that he’d realised they wanted different things and he was returning to Australia. He’d left her no contact number, no way for her to get in touch with him. It had taken her months before she’d finally believed that he was never going to ring.
‘And did you come to any conclusions?’
Oh, his bitterness! How could it still score her heart so deeply?
‘Of course I did. I do have a fully functioning brain in my head.’ Her voice came out too tart, but she couldn’t help it. ‘I decided that you must’ve somehow found out about the termination I was planning to have.’
He gave one terse nod. ‘The clinic rang to confirm your appointment.’
‘They told you?’ That shocked her. They’d assured her of confidentiality.
‘No, Caro, they didn’t. But I’m a detective, remember? It didn’t take much for me to put two and two together.’
‘And yet you still only came up with three and three-quarters of the answer.’
He didn’t yell, he didn’t storm around the room flinging out his arms and accusing her of killing their child, but the way he stared at her with throbbing eyes didn’t feel much better.
He tilted up his chin. ‘I understand your right to make your own decisions when it comes to your body. I don’t dispute that. But to get rid of a child I so desperately wanted...’ He turned grey. ‘That was when I realised you’d never have children with me.’
The children that had always been more important to him than she’d ever been.
‘That was when I realised you’d meant it when you said you didn’t want children.’
‘I said I wasn’t ready for children.’
There was a difference. Why had he never been able to understand that? She’d asked him to give her three years. Not that she’d been able to promise him for certain that they’d have children after that time either, but she’d needed time to consider the issue, to make sure in her own mind that she was up to the task of being a mother.
The thought of becoming a parent in the image of her father had filled her with horror. Jack’s idea of family hadn’t helped much either—it had seemed more like a fantasy she’d never be able to bring off. The whole issue of creating a family had left her all at sea, and
it had been too big a decision to get wrong.
‘Caro—’
‘Jack, my pregnancy was ectopic.’
He froze. If silence could boom, it boomed now.
‘Do you know what that means?’ she ventured.
‘Yes.’
She barely recognised the voice that croaked from his throat. She wanted to cover her eyes at the expression of self-disgust that spread across his features, millimetre by slow millimetre.
‘It means the fertilised egg implanted itself in your tubes rather than in your uterus.’
She nodded and swallowed. ‘In an ectopic pregnancy the foetus has no chance of surviving.’
‘And if the foetus isn’t removed it will kill the mother.’ Her surprise at his knowledge must have shown, because he added, ‘I had a foster mother who had an ectopic pregnancy.’ He lifted his head. ‘You had no choice but to have a termination.’
‘No,’ she agreed.
He shot to his feet, his body shaking and his eyes blazing. ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me?’
‘I was trying to find a way, but you left before I could! Why didn’t you confront me about it as soon as you took that call from the clinic?’
He paced the room, a hand pressed to his forehead.
Caro pushed her bangle high up onto her arm, where the thin metal cut into her. She loosened it and tried to get her breathing back under control. ‘I was trying to find the courage to face your disappointment,’ she said.
He swung back to stare at her.
‘To tell you I was pregnant in one breath and then to take it away in the next...’ She shook her head. It had seemed unnecessarily cruel. ‘It brought my most frightening fears to the surface. I couldn’t help wondering if, down the track, it ever came to a question of my life or a baby’s—which would you choose?’
He fell down into the chair.
‘When you walked away I had my answer.’
* * *
Jack stared at Caro, his heart feeling as if it had been put through a grater and then the pieces collected up and shoved back into his chest willy-nilly. Had he ever really known her?
He’d walked away from his marriage believing Caro had betrayed him and his dreams...and in the end it was he who’d betrayed her.
‘You should’ve told me.’ He didn’t yell the words this time, but they shook with the force of emotion ripping through him.
‘And still you blame me.’
Her remote smile troubled him. ‘No!’ His hands clenched. ‘I’m just as much to blame. I can’t believe I walked away over such a stupid misunderstanding.’
‘That misunderstanding wasn’t stupid, Jack. And with the benefit of hindsight it wasn’t unforeseen either. Maybe you should blame me—because God knows I was glad the decision had been taken out of my hands. I was glad I wasn’t faced with the choice of working out what to do with an unexpected pregnancy.’
It didn’t change the fact that he’d walked away from her at a time when she’d needed his support.
‘I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.’
She blinked, and her surprise at his apology hurt.
She moistened her lips. ‘Thank you.’
He rubbed the back of his neck, silently calling himself every dark name he could think of.
‘Was the procedure...gruelling?’
She shook her head. ‘It was very simple keyhole surgery. The procedure was performed in the morning and I was home again in the afternoon.’
But he hadn’t been there to cosset her afterwards.
She lifted a hand to push her hair off her face. Her hand shook and his heart clutched.
‘I had a couple of stitches in my belly button and—’ She swallowed. ‘It didn’t seem like much to show for...for all that was lost.’
Her words ran him through like a knife. He had to brace his hands on his knees to fight the nausea rising through him.
‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I left like I did.’
She glanced away, but not before he’d seen the tears swimming in her eyes.
In two strides he was in front of her and pulling her into his arms. She pressed her face into his shoulder and sobbed silently for a few seconds.
‘When I first found out I was pregnant, there was a part of me that was excited.’ One small hand beat against his chest. ‘For a few moments I thought I could make everything work.’
His eyes and throat burned. She wrenched herself out of his arms and he felt more bereft than ever.
She seized a handkerchief from the nightstand and dabbed her eyes. ‘You want to know something funny? If I ever do decide I want children I now have less chance of conceiving.’
His head rocked back. ‘That’s not funny! It’s—’
‘You leaving like you did...’ She swung around. ‘Maybe it was for the best after all.’
Did she really believe that?
She lifted her chin. ‘What you said in your letter was true. We did want different things. We probably still want different things. You still obviously want children.’
His heart thumped.
She lifted a hand and let it drop. ‘Me...? Even after all this time I’m still not certain I do. That would never have worked for you in the long run, Jack.’
In five years his desire for a family had never waned. If anything, it had grown. And in his pursuit of that he’d hurt this woman badly.
‘I know it’s a moot point now, but I wonder if you’d have married me if you’d known I couldn’t have children.’
He stared at her and shook his head. ‘I can’t answer that. I haven’t a clue.’
And now they’d never know.
He pulled in a breath. One thing was clear—this time he wasn’t leaving until the job was done and he and Caro had said everything they needed to say.
Five years ago he’d misjudged her and her actions. He’d make that up to her, and then maybe he’d be able to draw a line under this part of his life and move on. Without bitterness and without blame.
CHAPTER FIVE
‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN, you believe Barbara drugged me on purpose? You really are set against her, aren’t you?’
Jack kept his eyes on the road, but his every sense was attuned to the woman sitting next to him in the car. She smelt like caramel, and with every agitated movement she sent another burst of sweetness floating across to him.
It would take less than seventy-five minutes to reach Mayfair from the Sedgewick country estate, but he had no faith in his ability to last the distance with that scent tormenting him.
‘She wanted nothing more than to comfort me after the fight you and I had, and to make sure I got a decent night’s sleep.’
‘She wanted to make sure you didn’t find the snuffbox.’
His hands clenched about the steering wheel. He’d put Caro in danger. He’d underestimated Barbara’s desperation and the lengths she’d go to in an effort to not get caught. His jaw tightened. What if Caro had reacted adversely to the sleeping pill? What if—?
‘Barbara cares about me.’
His knuckles turned white. ‘Barbara is determined to save her own skin! Why can’t you see this issue in black and white for once, instead of a hundred shades of grey?’
The words burst from him more loudly than he’d intended and they reverberated through the car with a force that made her flinch. He cursed himself silently.
Except... ‘You need to be on your guard around her, Caro. You need to tread carefully where she’s concerned.’
He glanced across and her deep brown eyes momentarily met his. The confusion in them made his chest ache. Her gaze lowered to his hands and his white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel. He tried to relax his fingers. He wanted her on her guard—not frightened witless.
‘Regardless of what you think, this issue is not black and white.’
He had to bite his tongue. This had always been a bugbear between them. She’d always claimed he was too quick to make snap judgments. H
e’d retaliate by saying she lacked judgment.
‘I think she has a lover,’ he bit out.
Barbara had buried her husband three months ago—a husband she claimed to have loved. If she had taken up with another man so soon after Roland’s death it wouldn’t add credibility to her claims of devotion.
Caro straightened and swung towards him. It was all he could do to keep his eyes on the road and his hands on the wheel.
‘What makes you think that?’ she asked.
‘She bought lingerie on her shopping trip to the village this morning.’
To his chagrin, she started to laugh. ‘Heaven forbid that a woman should buy pretty undergarments for her own pleasure.’
‘In my experience—’
‘Your experience?’ She folded her arms. ‘Exactly how many lovers have you had in the last five years, Jack?’
His head rocked back, the question barrelling into him and knocking him off balance. No doubt as it had been intended to.
His heart thudded. ‘You first.’ The savagery that ripped through him made his stomach churn. ‘If you really want to know the answer to that, then you answer first.’
Spots appeared at the edges of his vision while he held his breath and waited for her to answer. That was what the thought of Caro with another man did to him. Even after five years.
‘It’s none of my business,’ she said after a long pause. ‘I’m sorry.’
At her apology, it was as if a hand reached out and squeezed his chest in a grip that stole his breath. One moment he wanted to rip her apart and the next he wanted to draw her into his arms and never let her go. It made no sense whatsoever.
‘It doesn’t feel that way, though, does it?’ he growled. ‘Our business still feels intertwined.’
‘I know.’ Her chest rose and fell in a sigh. ‘Which is ludicrous after all this time.’
He swallowed the ball of hardness doing its best to lodge in his throat. ‘It could be because our relationship had no formal ending.’ He’d just...left. ‘There were no last words, no proper goodbyes.’
‘Perhaps,’ she agreed, her voice full of dejection and...and secrets?
‘One,’ he snapped out.
‘I beg your pardon?’
He didn’t need to turn his head to imagine in technicolour detail the slow blink of her eyes and the cute wrinkle of confusion that would appear between her eyebrows.
Harlequin Romance February 2016 Box Set Page 42