equation. When she was dating him, she stopped hanging out with everybody. They broke up for the summer and she started coming around. Loden comes back, and Annie’s MIA once again.
Kayla’s a good distraction. I like her. She’s nice and she’s sexy as hell. But there’s something about her that holds me back from making this exclusive in the way she wants.
Shit. It might not even be anything about her, regardless of how much she gets on my nerves. In fact, I’m pretty damn sure it’s me.
“What are we doing after we eat?”
“Uh, I don’t know…” I let the end of my sentence float off into space because I had no intention of doing anything with her after this. I want to go get in a late workout and maybe swim a few laps if I have time. Ever since Park met his girlfriend, Lucy, over summer break, he’s bailed on nearly all our workouts. With Guy and Park both in their own apartments, I ended up going back to my old pattern, which consists of me sleeping in every chance I get, but I still try to get my swim time in.
Now I’ll need some way to get rid of all this extra energy I have if I’m not working out. I glance at Kayla with the thought. I’m sure she and I could come up with an alternative way to relieve my excess energy issue.
“Why? What’d you have in mind?”
I open the door and usher her out of the brisk night air. She twirls a thick lock of her dark hair around one finger and shrugs her shoulders.
“There’s a party.”
I’m always up for a party, but that wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for. The hostess greets us and we follow her to a booth in the back. Kayla slides in beside me and I stifle the annoyed sigh that’s dying to burst from my lips. I hate this about her.
Hate it.
I need my space while I eat and I’d rather be able to look at the person I’m with. Seriously. Who the hell likes to cuddle while they eat dinner?
She hooks her arm through mine as she opens her menu. I fight against the urge to shake her off me. It doesn’t matter. I already know what I want. It’s the same thing I get every time I go out. But Kayla will read the menu for the next ten minutes, looking at all the stuff she really wants, before ordering another fucking salad.
“What are you getting?” she asks with her attention still on the open menu in front of her.
I want to bat my lashes and tell her I’m thinking about getting a salad with dressing on the side and ice water to drink. But this would cause her to stare at me blankly until I explained it was a joke.
This also irritates me.
Damn it. This is why I’m single.
“Burger and fries,” I reply.
“Mm, that sounds good,” she says.
I arch a brow that she doesn’t see because she still has her nose buried in the menu. I stare out the window and wonder how long I’ll keep doing this. How long will I keep her around? How long will I keep scrutinizing everything she does?
“I think I’ll get a salad,” she finally decides.
Oh, the mockery that erupts inside my head.
Outside I smile and nod, and pretend this hasn’t happened at every meal in every other restaurant we’ve been to over the past few weeks.
~*~
After I make a phone call, in which I beg Guy to join us and to which he denies my request because he already has plans, Kayla and I go to the party. It’s at a frat house, Sig something another—I don’t keep up with all that shit.
I had texted Park to come hang out with me because if my only form of conversation is Kayla, this night is going to drag. I didn’t hear back and I know that means he’s busy with Lucy.
Kayla interlocks our fingers as soon as we’re out of the car. The front door is standing wide open. There’s a guy puking over the porch railing and I chuckle. When the first thing you see is someone upchucking large quantities of alcohol, you know it’s a good party.
I should have stopped and got my Super Soaker.
The music is techno. Not my favorite, but better than that pop shit I deal with at most parties. I fill two cups, offering one to Kayla, and lean against the wall while I chug half of mine down.
“You want to dance?” Kayla shouts over the music. I glance around at the overly filled living room, looking for the designated dance floor. And my eyes land on Annie. She has her arms wrapped around Loden’s waist and they’re dancing much too slowly for the fast-beating song. Her face rests on his chest as if she’s listening to his heartbeat—which makes me want to gag.
I nod and Kayla sets her beer down. I bring mine along as she tows me behind her. Her hands slide up my chest and hook around my neck.
“I love this song,” she says close to my ear.
I ignore the comment, turning my head to the side so I can down another mouthful of my drink. I try to keep my eyes off Annie, but it’s been weeks since I’ve seen her.
I hope she doesn’t plan on avoiding me until next summer. That’s going to get old real quick. She hasn’t even gone to talk to Guy as far as I know. Looking at her now has my breath hitching in my throat and my blood boiling at the same time. I don’t like being a part-time friend at her convenience.
I look away and try to focus on Kayla, but it isn’t happening. My thoughts keep forcing their way back to Annie. Maybe she’s just been busy. She always has so much going on.
I don’t realize I’m staring at Annie’s face until her eyes open and her lips part in surprise. I offer her a grin and she smiles for half a second before she turns away, looking up at Loden. He doesn’t notice the way she’s gazing at him because he’s too busy watching me.
I nod a hello. Annie says something and he glances down at her.
And then Annie’s entire body tenses at his reply. I stop moving with Kayla, my hand dropping away from her side. All my attention focuses on Loden’s hands and the way they’re pressing into Annie’s hips, his fingers digging into her skin. It takes me a second to register what’s happening. I want to make sure I’m actually seeing what I think I’m seeing.
But before I can react, Loden releases her, causing Annie to stumble back a step as if she had been struggling against his grip, and confirming my suspicion.
Kayla puts a hand on my arm, wondering what the hell I’m doing, but I can’t even acknowledge her. I’m stuck, frozen in place as my body wars with my mind. As my eyes battle my thoughts, trying to convince me that I didn’t see what I know I just saw.
Loden pushes through the crowd and it takes Annie a second to follow after him. I grab hold of Kayla’s hand and drag her along as I make my way through the crowd.
“What’s going on?” Kayla asks. “Where are we going? Are you okay?”
I glance at her over my shoulder. “I just need to check on something,” I say, giving her the vaguest answer I can come up with. When I look back, I can’t find Annie. I pause, shifting my gaze from one side of the room to the other. I continue on to the kitchen where the kegs are set up. There’s a game of quarters going on at the table, a few guys doing shots at the bar area, and a couple of girls sitting up on top of the counters, talking.
No Annie.
I turn around and head for the staircase. I’m assuming it leads up to the bedrooms. My heart rate kicks up into overdrive. If he took her up there to carry on what I saw in the living room…
Maybe I misunderstood.
Maybe I want something to be wrong in their relationship. Maybe I imagined it.
She didn’t ask for help. She didn’t yell. Hell, she followed after him. I must have gotten the wrong impression. But I have to be sure. I won’t feel right until I’m positive.
“Chase,” Kayla sighs. “What are we doing?”
There are six doors, all closed. I nudge Kayla against the wall near the landing. “Wait here for a second. I’ll be right back.”
“If you want to mess around we can go back to my place. My roommate went home for the weekend.”
I shake my head. “I’ll be right back,” I repeat. She rolls her eyes at me, but stays where I
leave her. I stop in front of the first door and press my ear against it. Holding my breath, I listen. I’m met with silence. The second door gives the same response. Third door is slightly ajar so I peer inside. It’s a bathroom and there’s a girl hugging the toilet while her friend holds her hair.
Moving on to the next door, I repeat the process. When, again, I get nothing but the quiet hum of wood against my ear, I start for the next door.
Voices make me pause. I concentrate on listening as I step back to the door I just abandoned.
“I didn’t do anything,” Annie says. Her voice is lifeless, void of any emotion.
“Bullshit. You were watching him while you were dancing with me.”
Silence.
“I see the way he looks at you.”
Annie gasps and my blood runs cold.
“I told you, that’s the one thing I won’t put up with.”
“Loden,” Annie says, her voice quiet, but I can hear the panic in her tone. I shove the door open and move into the room.
Loden has his hands in Annie’s hair and for one agonizing second, I think I really did misunderstand everything I’ve seen and heard tonight. It looks like he’s about to kiss her.
Until I detect the fear in Annie’s wide eyes and the anger etched into his features.
“Oh, that’s just fucking great,” Loden spits. He removes his hands from Annie’s hair and I notice it doesn’t fall right, like maybe he had been gripping it for awhile. Like maybe he had been pulling it.
“You all right?” I ask Annie.
She doesn’t answer. She doesn’t move. Her only reaction is to stare at me, the fear not leaving her eyes. I take another step closer and that jerks her out of whatever thought she was trapped in.
“I’m fine. We’re fine.”
I let my eyes move away from her and find Loden. His hands are in his own hair now and he’s pacing the length of the bed.
“Why don’t you let me give you a ride home?” I suggest, not knowing how to deal with this situation. I don’t want to make shit worse, but I’m not about to walk away, either.
She bites her lip, shaking her head. She brings her hands up to rub her arms like she’s cold and I see something that has me across the room before I even realize I’ve moved.
I put myself between Annie and Loden and place my hand on her back, ushering her toward the door.
“What are you doing?” she asks incredulously. If she could see her arms the way I can, she wouldn’t even ask me.
“We’re leaving.”
“I can’t—”
I stop and take her face into my shaking hands. “It’s taking everything in me not to beat his fucking ass. Just come with me.”
Her mouth opens, but nothing comes out.
“Fucking go,” Loden yells. “We’re done.”
Perfect. I drop my hands, wrapping one around Annie’s and pull her out of the room. I take Kayla’s wrist in my other hand and I don’t let go until I have to open the car door.
17
Coming Undone
Annie
The bass from the speaker thrums against my side. My cheek is pressed to the cool glass as I stare out the car window. I angle my face up so I can watch the stars blur past. I love autumn. The sky is always so clear.
Other than the music—I recognize this song as one Chase loaded on my iPod so long ago—the car is silent. Nobody talks—not even Kayla, though it’s obvious she has questions sitting on the edge of her full ruby lips. I feel my hatred for her burn through my chest. She’s everything I’m not. Beautiful. Carefree. Happy.
And she has Chase, who I know doesn’t have much more to offer her other than a hot body and fun times, but at least he will never tear her heart apart. He just doesn’t have it in him.
I’ve made one mistake after another with Loden. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I do is good enough. Everything is wrong. Everything. I couldn’t even make it a month this time.
Failure hurts. Literally.
The first week had been great, but it quickly escalated, everything going right back to where it was when we had decided to take the break. If I’m not being accused of wanting to sleep with any male that glances my way, then I’m not dressing sexy enough, or I’m dressing too sexy because I must want the attention of every guy in a ten mile radius. Or I’m chewing in an unladylike manner, talking too softly, breathing too loudly.
The lyrics pulse in my ears—“I’m coming undone, too late, I’m coming undone”—and I feel the tears sting my eyes. Taste the salt in the back of my throat.
I don’t think I’ve ever related to a song so strongly before. I let my eyes flutter shut and just listen. And breathe. And try not to feel whatever it is that I’m feeling.
The car pulls to a stop and a door opens. I force my eyes open to watch Chase get out. He leaves the car running, music playing. My gaze tracks him as he walks around the front of the car and stops beside the passenger side door. His eyes lock with mine in the backseat before he tugs the handle, opening the door for Kayla.
I can’t seem to look away as she takes his offered hand and they walk up to the apartment building. Chase leans in and kisses Kayla on the lips. My stomach pulls tight as I watch her fingers dig into the back of his neck, prolonging the intimate moment.
I think I drank too much because I feel like I’m going to vomit.
After an exchanging of words and Kayla wangles one more kiss, Chase comes back to the passenger door, opening it widely. He pushes the seat forward and pries my hand from my lap. I look up at him and he presses his lips into a straight line. Not smiling. Not frowning. Just a flat line devoid of any one emotion.
I can relate.
“Sit up front with me,” he murmurs.
I let him pull me out and guide me into the passenger seat. He tries to buckle me, his hair brushing lightly against my cheek, and I smell the scent of his shampoo. It snaps me out of my stupor. I yank the strap from his hand and shove the buckle into place with a click.
All my senses recognize his scent. Everything inside me screams “safe, familiar, home.”
I want to throw myself into his arms and hope he hugs me. I want to burrow into his embrace and pretend everything is all right in the world.
That I’m all right.
I can feel Chase’s stare pressing into me. I finally look up from the seatbelt and he touches my face. I cringe. It takes a moment before I register his thumb drying the moisture under my eye. Even longer to understand the moisture is from tears. I’m crying?
“Shh,” he soothes. “I won’t let it happen again.”
I shift away, startled by his vow. Afraid of the way I believe him. Sickened by the way I can’t tell him the truth.
I swore I’d make this work this time around and I can’t get it right. God, I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying so hard. But I just keep screwing it up. Just like my mom. I’m just like her and I don’t know how to change it. Nothing I do is working and it’s only getting worse.
Chase falls into the driver’s seat beside me. He sighs, rubbing his face roughly, and turns the volume down on the music. He looks tired. I wonder what he’s been doing to be so tired. I heard he got a new part-time job, bussing tables somewhere off campus. I wonder if he likes it. If he’s able to keep up with his school work. Questions I won’t ask.
“What do you want to do?” he asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I don’t know what he means. I shake my head. “I just want to go home and go to bed.”
He nods slowly, but doesn’t move. We’re still sitting, idling in the parking lot of Kayla’s apartment complex.
“Do you want to go to the cops? Try to get a restraining order? Do you want me and Guy to take care of it?” He stops then, searching my face.
I open my mouth. Close it. Take care of it? God. No. He wants to go kick Loden’s ass. “Chase,” I choke, “he was drunk.”
“I don’t give a shit if he was fucking drunk, Annie. Don’t do this. Don’t make exc
uses for him.”
I shake my head back and forth quickly as more tears fall now. “I’m not. I’m explaining. He’s not like that—”
“Like what?” Chase throws back fiercely. “Abusive?” He grabs my arm, shaking it between us in the small confines of the car. “Look what he did to you,” he demands. “Look.”
I do. I follow his brutal gaze and peer down at my arm. I just stare at it, unfeeling. Chase opens his hand and gently touches one finger after another to my skin, covering the matching red marks, one at a time, until he’s circled around my bicep.
“It’s not like you think. He was drunk. He got jealous and we argued. He grabbed me, but he didn’t mean to hurt me. He would never do this on purpose. He knows his jealousy is a problem and he’s trying to work on it.”
I haven’t taken my eyes away from his hand. He hasn’t removed his hand from my arm. I take a deep breath and wiggle out from under the warm pressure.
“What are you saying right now? You don’t blame him? All is forgiven? Everything is rainbows and butterflies because he’s trying?”
I blame myself. And everything is far from perfect. But I don’t tell him that. “There is nothing to forgive,” I say instead.
Chase laughs with complete lack of humor. He leans over and shifts the gear into drive. “I’m sorry I interrupted. If I hadn’t intervened you guys would have made up by now.” His voice is low, his tone full of sarcasm.
“Most likely,” I agree. “Don’t judge me. You don’t understand.”
“Then explain it to me really slowly,” he retorts.
“No,” I spit. “It’s none of your business. My relationship with Loden has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is none of your concern.”
Chase’s hands seize the steering wheel. His jaw clenches, his teeth grinding loudly. “Maybe not, but it is Guy’s business.”
My stomach somersaults. I press the button, opening my window. I need some fresh air or I might actually throw up. I let the wind blow against my skin, cooling it before I turn to face him.
“Are you threatening me?”
He laughs again, his eyes narrowed into a glare that puts mine to shame. “I’m not threatening you.” He tips his head in my direction. “I’m just explaining,” he adds, throwing my words back at me. And they hit hard.
“Don’t you dare tell him,” I say harshly.
“Why not?” Chase inquires, his shoulders lifting carelessly. “Could it be because he won’t be able to understand your lame excuses either? Because he’ll want to kick Loden’s ass as much as I do?” He stops at a red light, giving him the opportunity to face me full on.
“Or is it because deep down, underneath all your bullshit defenses, you know as well as I do what Loden did to you is fucked up?”
One. Two. Three. Four.
“Stop fucking counting,” Chase huffs as he presses on the gas.
“Stop butting into my life,” I fire back. “This is nobody’s business but mine.”
“Not if you’re being hurt.”
“I’m not being hurt.”
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