by Kant, Komal
“The old, pathetic Hadie you cheated on would have forgiven you.” I looked him squarely in the eyes. “But I’m a different person now. I’ve experienced a loss you will never understand. When I look at you, my skin crawls. I wish you the worst, Bennett Anderson, because that’s all you deserve.”
And with that, I turned and walked towards the kitchen without looking back at my weakness. I would never let myself be weak again.
Chapter Twelve
Eddie
My mind was on the large number of orders I had to get through in a short amount of time. Belle’s was always busy on Friday nights, but usually Belle would be in the kitchen helping me.
Tonight, however, Belle was out of town and couldn’t find anyone else to cook. Plus, we were down servers too, so it was a complete fucking nightmare. Luckily, I was somehow managing to keep up with the orders, but I couldn’t wait for the night to be over.
The smell of deep fried onions overwhelmed my senses as I pulled out a basket from the fryer and set it aside to drain before splitting them up between two plates that already had a burger each on them.
Since I was so focused on my job, I didn’t immediately notice Hadie standing in the corner, crying softly.
For a second, I froze. I hadn’t seen her display this much emotion in a long time, so it had definitely caught me a little off guard.
“Hadie?” I called out tentatively.
Her head shot up and she stared at me with a mascara-streaked face. “Sorry,” she squeaked. “Today was too much for me.”
“Bennett?” I asked, approaching her cautiously.
“No, Lincoln’s dad.” She lifted her eyes to look up at me. Her thick, dark lashes were coated in tears that I wanted to brush away, but I held my ground, not wanting to be too forward.
Instead, I stood right where I was, two paces away from her, letting her words sink in. “Lincoln’s dad?” I asked. “Does that mean the Brackses didn’t leave?”
“They left, except for Mr. Bracks.” She paused, sighing deeply for a second, her tears finally subsiding. “I guess he and his wife are going through a separation, because he seems to be on a date tonight.”
It made sense that Mr. Bracks wanted to distance himself from the monster that his wife was. Maybe it had taken his son’s death to finally give him the courage to leave her. I didn’t know the Bracks as well as Hadie did, but I’d heard that Lincoln’s relationship with his family had been tense.
“Well, at least he’s moving on,” I said, giving her a pointed look. “You can’t hold onto the past forever. At some point, you gotta continue with your life and find happiness with someone new.”
From the way Hadie’s face flushed pink, I could tell she knew exactly what I meant. Whether I’d gotten through to her or not, well, that was a question that remained unanswered; at least I’d tried, and I think that was what really mattered in the end.
“Uh,” she said, looking uncertain as her eyes darted left and right.
“Did you get a chance to read the book I gave you?” I asked, taking a step closer to her so she’d have to deal with me being in her space.
Her expression darkened at that, completely taking me by surprise. “I told you I don’t read anymore. Stories are fairytales for children.”
“Really?” I asked with a raised brow. I wasn’t much of a reader myself, but I was a musician. I wrote lyrics that reflected how I felt and things that were happening around me. I knew the importance of words. “Well, I gotta disagree with you there. Words are inspiring; they’re motivating; they’re heartbreaking. And words that create a story, well, they’re like therapy, especially if you can relate to them.”
Something in her face changed. There was a light in her eyes which made me suspect that she agreed with what I’d just said, but for some reason—a reason which I deduced was her trying to remove herself from the girl she used to be—she was trying to pretend she didn’t care.
“The good things that happen in those stories, they don’t actually happen to people in real life,” she scoffed. “They make it so easy to find happiness when that’s not really how life works.”
“Hadie,” I said, my voice low. I took another small step towards her, and I saw Hadie suck in a sharp breath. “The people in those stories find happiness because they’re searching for it. Close-minded people don’t get happy endings.
She wanted to argue with me—I could see it from the way her forehead creased a little, and her pink lips parted—but I wasn’t going to let her win in her own suffering. Instead, I chose that exact moment to make my move.
Stepping forward to fill the gap between us, I slowly let my fingers graze the side of her face before sliding them around to the back of her neck. Goosebumps popped up on her skin where my fingertips fell, and I knew she was being affected by me.
“Is that what you want to be, Hadie?” I asked, my tone soft.
Our eyes locked, and I could tell she was holding her breath as she gazed at me. Almost involuntarily, her lids fluttered, and I leaned in and brought my mouth close to hers. We were breathing the same air, our lips were about to become one.
Hadie smelled of strawberries and cream; whether it was her hair or her perfume, I wasn’t sure; all I knew was being this close to her was overwhelming. It was difficult keeping my thoughts pure, but I was sure trying my hardest.
She let out a deep sigh as my body pressed against hers, and any reason I had of being a good boy vanished. I wanted her. I wanted to crush my mouth against hers and push her up against the wall. It was finally happening. Hadie Swinton was finally letting me in. She had finally stopped fighting me.
Then just like that, my hopes were dashed. Hadie took a deep breath and took several steps away from me. Her face was distraught, and she looked close to tears as she studied me, wide-eyed as though she couldn’t believe what had almost happened between us.
“Um, I better take those orders out before customers start complaining,” Hadie stammered, clearing her throat awkwardly. “Not that anyone’s complained yet. You’ve been doing such a great job and, uh, I don’t know how you’re doing it all by yourself-”
Her face turned a deeper shade of pink and she hurried past me to grab a table’s orders before exiting the kitchen promptly.
Head spinning, I slumped against the closest wall—the one I’d been planning on doing unspeakable things to Hadie against—trying to figure out what in the hell had just happened. I couldn’t believe that once again I’d been rejected by Hadie. We’d come so close to sharing a moment; a moment that I knew had been a long time coming.
This was what pissed me off so much about Hadie; the fact that she was so resistant to me when I knew she could see that there was something between us that transcended riding on the back of a bad boy’s bike and doing stupid shit with him.
Just then Laura rushed into the kitchen, spouting off an order at rapid speed. She did a double take when she caught sight of me. I guess I looked pretty pathetic and defeated slumped against the wall.
“Eddie, what’s wrong?” she asked, rushing over to me. “Are you sick?”
On most days, Laura wasn’t my kind of person. I probably wasn’t her kind of person either. She was a cheerleader who hung out with the popular kids and I was a drummer for a punk rock band who was considered a social outcast because of the music I played and the friends I had.
However, Laura was actually a decent person, albeit a little too perky and gossipy, but she wasn’t a mean girl. Take now for instance—I could tell she was genuinely concerned about me.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, straightening up and walking over to the cooking area. “What was that order again?”
“Really, Eddie?” Laura placed a hand on her hip and stared me down, for a moment reminding me of the look my mom used to give me when I was younger and would try to bullshit her. Do you think I’m stupid or something? I can tell how hung up over Hadie you are, like, since the beginning of time.”
I flamed at that and tried to busy m
yself with the next pile of orders I had to make. I was kind of hoping Laura would drop it, but she began tapping her foot impatiently until I finally glanced around at her.
Laura was an innocent enough looking girl—red hair, pale skin, wide-set eyes—but right now she looked super pissed that I was ignoring her.
With a tired sigh, I shrugged at her. “What’s the point in talking about it? I’m getting nowhere with her.”
Laura rolled her eyes at me and made a small sound of indignation. “You have to try harder. Her super-hot, perfect boyfriend died, Eddie. Can you imagine what that’s like? It’s gonna take a lot for her to get over something like that.”
“I know, Laura,” I said, because I did know all this. Everyone had been telling me the same thing and I was getting pretty sick of hearing it.
“But,” she went on in a kinder tone, “you are the nicest guy I have ever met. She deserves someone like you, so don’t give up on her!”
With that, Laura came over to me, kissed me on the cheek pretty fiercely, and picked up a tray of orders before whirling out of the kitchen like a little tornado.
I stared after her, and touched my cheek. It was funny that I’d gotten a kiss from the girl I didn’t want a kiss from.
Shaking my head, I busied myself in the rush of orders for the next hour. Hadie came in throughout the rest of the night, but she kept her head bowed and acted like I didn’t exist. As the night wore on, the orders grew less frequent which gave me time to start closing up the kitchen.
Laura and Hadie both came in to help me clean up at various points, and by midnight we were all ready to leave. As the three of us stepped outside and Hadie locked up, Laura gave me a pointed look before waving at us and heading to her black SUV.
Just as I was about to ask Hadie if I could walk her to her car, I noticed the motorcycle sitting in the parking lot with a figure on it. It was goddamn fucking Three.
Hadie tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she glanced up at me. “Um, I’ll see you later, Eddie.”
And that was it. Once again, the girl I loved walked away from me right into the arms of another guy. Except this guy was all wrong for her. This guy wasn’t Lincoln Bracks. He wasn’t me. Yet so easily, she climbed onto the back of the bike and wrapped her arms around Three who handed her a helmet.
Three shot me a smug look, put his helmet on, and kicked the bike to life, before driving out of the parking lot and roaring off into the night.
I stood for a moment longer, wondering why this was happening and what I could do differently to change my life. Nothing came to me, except Luca’s words. He’d been right. Nice guys finished last, and I was definitely losing this race.
Chapter Thirteen
Hadie
Unfamiliar faces.
Names that were still foreign to me.
A room that needed all the light bulbs changed.
I was back at the support group. Yay.
Not.
I skulked in a chair by myself, not making eye contact with anyone. My arms were crossed as I stared down at the floor, wishing my parents would stop making me come to this stupid support group.
This was only my second time, but it felt like I’d been coming here forever. I didn’t know how sitting here was helping anyone. It definitely wasn’t helping me. There was no way anything could help me. Not unless Philip could transport me into the Harry Potter universe where I could use the resurrection stone to bring back Lincoln.
What made it even more unappealing coming here was seeing that Fiona girl all over Eddie. It shouldn’t bother me, but it did. Seeing him being that close to someone else was kind of confronting. Especially after the almost-kiss that had happened last night at the diner.
I mean, in some weird sort of way that girl was supposed to be me, wasn’t it? That was how the story was supposed to end, right? I was supposed to end up with the sweet, caring guy who everyone approved of. Not with the dangerous, bad boy.
The funny thing was, a huge part of me wanted to be with Eddie. But another part of me—one that was searching for something—couldn’t go through with it. Eddie was one of the good guys, and I didn’t know what I was anymore. He deserved to be with someone better, and that was why I couldn’t care that Fiona was studying him in adoration.
Just from the way he had comforted me yesterday showed what a good person he was. Even after I’d been hot and cold with him, he still found it in his heart to let it go.
“Michael, would you like to share anything with us today?”
The dark-skinned boy beside me slowly got to his feet. He was tall and broad-shouldered, and looked like he could be an athlete. A basketball player was my guess, although I didn’t know a lot about sports. Basically, I was uncoordinated, had no balance, and was a shorty McShorty pants—no athletic ability there.
“Yeah, there is something,” he said, his eyes fixed on Philip.
“Sure, in your own time,” Philip said with that patient smile he gave everyone.
Michael was one of the ones who spoke sparingly. The last time I’d been here, he’d spoken for maybe a minute about struggling with money this winter.
“My aunt got a raise yesterday.” His face was completely calm and the only sign that he may have been nervous was the shuffling of his feet as he shifted his position. “She’s going to let my brother and me stay with her.”
I sat up a little straighter as everyone broke into cheers and claps around me. Fiona actually jumped out of her seat and ran across the circle to give him a quick hug.
Feeling uncomfortable, I turned my head and looked the other way. I felt like I was intruding on a private moment that I had no right being a part of. Like I’d said, it was like opening the pages of a book and reading the story from the middle.
“That’s great, Michael,” Philip said as Fiona resumed her seat beside Eddie. “How is your brother doing?”
Michael appeared relieved, despite his expression not changing much at all. “A lot better.”
“We’re all glad to hear that,” Philip said. “Thank you for sharing that with us.”
With a nod of his head, Michael sat down again. He really was a man of few words. It sounded like his story was heading towards a happy ending.
“Hadie, would you like to share anything today?”
Philip’s voice made me jump, and I glanced at him with wide eyes. No way. There was nothing I could talk to them about. There was nothing I had to share.
“No,” I said quickly, and then stared down at the ground.
There was a pause, but then he moved on to the guy sitting on my other side who said he didn’t have anything to share, but ended up talking about a movie he’d seen the other day. Philip didn’t seem to mind. In fact, Philip didn’t try to steer the conversation in any particular direction. Weird.
Weren’t counselors supposed to probe you about your deepest, darkest secrets? Your fears? What made you tick? What you’d learned that week? That was how they always made it out in the movies.
When Philip got to Fiona, I zoned back in. She rose to her feet, straightening her purple Led Zeppelin shirt as she paused for a second.
“Um, this Saturday it will be a year since my brother was shot,” she said, her tone wavering from the usual optimism it held. “I, um, I’m going to visit his grave. I haven’t been able to do it since he died. It’s too hard to-” She choked on her words, and Eddie reached over and held her hand.
I decidedly stared down at the floor again as she continued to speak. I knew how difficult it was for me to visit Lincoln’s grave. I hadn’t gone to see it in weeks.
“My parents are going with me, so I’m going to try and be strong for them.” There was movement, and I glanced up to see she’d sat back down again.
“I know it’s hard for you, Fiona,” Philip said, his tone gentle. “But you’re very brave to face your fears and visit him. Your brother would be proud of you.”
She nodded as her eyes brimmed with tears, and Eddie wrapped a com
forting arm around her shoulder. She looked at him with a grateful smile, and his eyes met mine as he rose to his feet.
Embarrassed, I immediately averted my gaze, not wanting to be caught staring.
“Eddie?” Philip prompted.
“I’m really close to buying that car I’ve been saving up for. It’s going to make life a lot easier. It’s not much, but it’s the best I can do for now.”
He sat back down as everyone cheered and clapped for him. So this was what a grief and loss support group was all about? It was about supporting each other and listening to the small trials and achievements in everyone’s lives. I hadn’t expected that.
As Philip went around the circle and wrapped things up, I continued to focus on one spot on the floor. I definitely didn’t want to get caught creepy-staring at Eddie and Fiona again. Not cool, Hadie, not cool.
“Remember, big goals can be achieved with small steps,” Philip said as everyone began to leave. “Have a great weekend.”
I picked up my bag slowly, waiting for Eddie and Fiona to leave ahead of me. I didn’t want to be caught in an awkward walking-out-together thing.
“Hadie, can I talk to you for a second?” Philip asked, approaching me.
Almost dropping my bag at the sound of his voice, I straightened up and nodded. “Yeah, sure.”
He studied me, his eyes gliding over my face like he was trying to figure something out. “I know it must be a big step for you coming to the support group, but the only way it’s really going to help you is if you open up to the group.”
Frustration and annoyance immediately shot through me. Who was he to tell me that I needed to talk to a bunch of strangers about the shit I’d been through? It was no one’s business but mine. I was only here because my parents insisted on it.
“I don’t exactly feel like sharing my problems with complete strangers,” I shot back, unable to hide how irritated I was.
“They’re only strangers because that’s what you choose to make them,” he said, his tone perfectly calm. “The point of a support group is to share your problems with people who are experiencing similar things, and by supporting someone else in a similar situation, you can in turn help yourself.”