But then he was there.
I started forward eagerly then stopped, unsure whether he'd welcome me. After a moment he held out his arms and I ran into them gratefully. Despite the freezing temperature he wasn't cold and his body heat seeped into me.
"Ahaziel. I didn't know if I'd ever see you again."
"No?" he murmured into my hair. His hands lightly stroked my back.
I nodded, clutching the front of his sweater, my lips brushing again the fabric. "It's cold," I said. "Let's go to my house, where it's warm and we can talk."
"Yes. I'd like that."
He was sure-footed as ever, confident in the dark with his quiet footfalls on the snowy ground. He led the way out of the forest, holding my hand so I wouldn't slip on unseen ice. Once we reached town I took the lead, weaving through the streets until we reached my house. It was dark, my mom sleeping and Brandt at the party. I unlocked the front door and motioned for Ahaziel to be quiet. He nodded. It felt strange to have him walk into my house, and not just because he was an immortal forest spirit. He was a man and I was sneaking him into my room after dark. The carpet swallowed up our footsteps. I didn't bother turning on a light. Instead I cracked the blinds on my window, giving the room a quiet glow.
"I'm sorry," I began. I hesitated, afraid of losing him. "Ahaziel . . . I know about my first life. As Olivia. I never treated you very well, did I? I think it's because I've always been scared of you. Scared of . . ." I swallowed nervously and my next words were quiet. "Scared of how you make me feel."
"Tell me," he said.
"Tell you what?"
"Tell me how you feel."
"Ahaziel . . . I don't know—I can't say—" My hands shook and I inhaled deeply. "What I mean is I don't want to mislead you like Olivia did. I don't know how I feel. If you give me time . . . I don't want to hurt you. I just . . ." I trailed off miserably.
I knew I had failed him from the way his body stiffened and stilled. I held my breath as the heavy silence lengthened. It was obvious I'd hurt him despite the hard expression he wore. I could see him trying not to show me and I realized, suddenly, how both Eve and I had misinterpreted such looks from him in the past. He'd never hated me. His eyes held a natural intensity, which had made me recoil when he looked at me with passion, longing, anger, regret—whatever. No one ever looked me in the face, not for long. No one ever studied me as he did, lingering over features he'd long since memorized. To him I was beautiful.
I broke the gaze after a moment. It was too much for me to have him see me so clearly. I couldn't handle him.
"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" I asked in a wounded whisper. "I haven't done anything. Sometimes it's like you expect me to wrong you at any moment. It feels like I can't help but do wrong if you constantly expect it of me."
He smiled, though no humor reached his eyes. I felt he must never have laughed in his life. "I felt betrayed at times," he said, his voice grim. "I felt hurt."
"I'm sorry."
He let a silence stretch between us, then ended it with quiet words. "When I first saw you, Lilly, I couldn't believe how pretty you were, there in the moonlight. With all my life I wanted to touch you. I loved you then and I love you now. Nothing that's happened in between has changed that. Nothing could."
My eyes filled hotly but I said nothing.
"We're meant to be together, Lilly," he continued. "We belong to each other."
I knew he believed those words with all his heart. I had pushed him away once more, yet I couldn't help but respond to him. It was hard not to feel swept up in his yearning for me. I blushed at the dark, sensual images that entered my head suddenly. I had not professed any love for him, but I needed him. I couldn't be without him.
"Don't go," I said desperately when he turned and took a step toward the door. "Please, Ahaziel. Stay. Stay with me."
His back was straight, his body motionless. His head hung slightly down. "Why?" he said quietly.
"Because . . ." Did it really matter if I answered him? Surely he wouldn't turn away from me if I simply showed him why I wanted him here. That wouldn't have been fair to him, though. He deserved something from me. Words, if nothing else. Hadn't he earned them? I licked my lips. "You matter to me, Ahaziel. You do."
For a moment it was as if he hadn't heard me. Then he turned and stared at me, his expression shadowed in the room's dim light. I thought of the fierceness of his eyes, the way they had always pursued me, the wild passion in them contrasted with the strict restraint of his body. I knew desire from seeing it in him and now I felt it for myself in a way I'd never experienced.
Oh god. Oh god. Don't think.
My arms lifted to embrace him as I closed the short distance between us. I held him as if he were the last thing left in the world and kissed him as if I were drowning. I felt an unexpected rush of joy and promise flowing between us. I shuddered at the tender firmness of his arms encircling me and rose to the touch of his hands roaming greedily, hungrily over my skin. I needed this, and he'd wanted it for so long.
Our breath panted softly. We removed our clothes with gentle rustles. I wanted so much to scream and shout but I stifled my cries on his shoulder, my nails pressing into his skin. The carpet was mildly scratchy on my back. I heard his low moans as he rocked into me. I felt ecstatic and happy. Why had I resisted him so long? Why hadn't I let him make me feel this before? Olivia had felt it, yet she'd ignored it. She'd run from it. I wouldn't. How could I be so cruel to this man? I knew the sound of his heartbeat. I could read him in the dark.
We lay there, twined together on the floor, catching our breath. Our chests and stomachs gently rose and fell against one another. I felt sleepy and satisfied.
Ahaziel murmured near my ear. "I've suffered the worst kind of pain, losing you. Seeing you killed right before my eyes."
"I'm sorry. I should have gone with you. Olivia should have, I mean."
He lifted his head to look at me. "No. It was not the right way, I see now. Both of us would have been trapped among the trees, needing souls to live."
I smiled sadly. "Eve was going to go with you. She was in shock, I think, but she planned to go with you. She died because Merko trapped her in the room as it burned."
The look in his eyes betrayed he had not known Merko was responsible for Eve's death. "I thought she did it to get away from me," he said. "Thinking that way made me so angry at you. I should have known he was responsible."
"He'll kill me again, won't he? If he can?"
"I do not doubt it."
"Why don't we kill him first? We should have done it already."
Ahaziel shook his head. "I am not able to kill him and he cannot kill me. I fear you can't either. He can't be killed as a normal man."
"We'll find a way," I whispered. "Together."
I fell silent and listened to our breathing. I allowed my eyes to meet his, dark in the shadows of my room. Looking at him I knew, suddenly, there was no set of rules I had to live by, nothing that had already been decided for me. Merko wouldn't kill me this time just because he had in the past—I wouldn't allow it. As for Ahaziel, Olivia and Eve's feelings had nothing to do with mine. I could make my own choices. I wasn't obligated to love him. Yet I wondered how I could help it. It seemed I had always felt him inside my skin, the memory of him pushing from within, his very real presence weighing from without. I had waited for him unknowingly and now he was here. I couldn't let him go.
Nudging at his chest so we could sit up, I faced him with a sincere gaze. "I want you with me," I said. "I want you in my life."
Something hopeful flickered in his eyes. "I have always been here," he said. "I'll never leave."
He moved some of my hair off my face and reflexively I looked down so he couldn't see my birthmark. It was stupid, after what we'd done and the things we'd said, but it was instinct. Gently he lifted my chin and gazed at me with such tenderness in his eyes I thought I felt my heart break.
"This birthmark," he said thoughtfully. "You sh
ould wear it proudly. Like a badge. You hate it, I know. It shames you, but it shouldn't. I think it's beautiful. Every time I see it, I think of flower petals laid upon your skin."
How could I help it? My face twisted with emotion and I found myself crying silently against his bare chest, tears streaming on his skin.
Eventually everyone who ever knew me would be gone. But he would always remain.
~
Later, I whispered, "Ahaziel. I think I know how we can kill Merko."
He shifted out of a light sleep, his body fever-warm against mine. He listened as I spoke, distracting me with kisses on my skin. The sky grew lighter and I knew he had to leave soon, but oh, how I wanted him to stay.
"Do you think it will work?" I asked.
"I don't know. But we can try."
"Meet me here tonight. We'll work out a plan."
I let him out the front door before dawn, one last heated kiss passing between us. I heard the shower turn on down the hall and I slipped back into bed, pulling the covers over my head and trying to hold on to memories of the night.
"Ahaziel." I whispered his name over and over. It left my lips in a breathless sigh. He had left a warm indentation in my bed, his scent lingering. I love you, I thought rapturously. Ahaziel, I love you. I slept.
~
A righteous anger filled Ahaziel as he faced Merko in the dawn. Long ago they had found themselves allied by a mutual purpose, but in time Ahaziel's focus had shifted. It seemed Merko, always adamant about the worthlessness of human lives, had never forgiven him for falling in love with a human girl. An egregious sin in his eyes.
"You will not touch her," Ahaziel said. "Twice you have killed her and twice is more than enough. Do not continue to torment me."
Merko looked surprised and pleased. "Twice. Yes. I didn't think you were aware I trapped her in the fire."
"I have recently arrived at that conclusion."
They stood in the forest among the sentinel trees. It was not Merko's domain, yet he had always possessed an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. "I will not rest until her soul belongs to me," he said. "You've forgotten the reason you were brought into existence. Remember your early days in the world? Do you recall the simplicity of our lives then?"
"You are lacking in humanity."
"I don't wish for humanity."
"One day you will. It is inevitable." Merko scoffed to hear his own long-ago words uttered back at him but Ahaziel continued, "Do you not adore them? Do you not thrill at how lovely and complicated and flawed they are?"
"I thrill at the taste of their flaws when I drown them," Merko snarled.
"Do not underestimate her," Ahaziel said as Merko stalked away. "Your arrogance will make you weak. She will destroy you, Merko."
He did not know if Merko had heard him. He sighed, feeling quite weak himself. With slow, silent steps he went to his river. He found the yew and rested against it. It had been so long since he'd felt the hungry desire to push any living thing into the water. Since he'd first seen her, his desire had been focused solely on the girl he loved.
And now his abstinence from drowning souls, his attempt at humanity, had come back to haunt him. The bone-deep frailty dragging him down to the roots of the yew had come upon him without warning. It was madness to think Merko would listen to him so he had to keep his faith in Lilly strong. In this condition he would never be able to save her from a third death.
She would have to save herself.
~
I agreed to go have lunch at the Blue Shrimp with Brandt and the others, though I didn't know how they'd react to me after how I'd left the party last night. Especially Austin. Dread twinged in me at the thought of seeing him. Since he’d been drinking that night I wondered if he even remembered what had happened between us.
The diner felt especially cozy today. It smelled like coffee and something fried. Joy, Chris, and Austin were already sitting at the usual table when Brandt and I walked in. Thankfully Joy hadn't brought Merko along. I ignored the awkward tension in the air while we ordered. I had an idea how to kill Merko, but I didn't know if it would work and I didn't have an exact plan.
Think, I ordered myself.
"Lilly?"
I looked up at Chris. "What?"
"What happened at the party? Please, tell us what's wrong."
I should have expected they'd question me about last night but I wasn't prepared to explain myself. I glanced out the window and found it free of the suspicious figures that had been lurking in my life lately. "What do you mean?" I asked. In my peripheral vision I could see Austin discreetly trying to get my attention.
"You were rude to Merko," Joy accused. "He said you must be having some kind of breakdown."
"Look, Joy, it's not a good idea for you to hang around that guy."
"Oh, so you know him?" Joy's tone was heavily sarcastic.
"Enough to know that he's very, very bad." I didn't see how she could fail to heed the seriousness in my voice.
"Please," she said sneeringly. "You're just jealous that I've found a guy I like. You probably want him for yourself. It's not enough to have every other guy fawning all over you, you have to have mine, too!"
"Um, you're a little out of line . . . ," Brandt said uncomfortably.
Joy's accusation was so far from the truth I didn't even know how to respond. I put my head down, the heels of my hands pressing against my closed eyelids. I was sick of her attitude towards me, especially since I had no idea what had caused it. I'd put up with so much crap from her and had even tried being her friend. I was done.
"What is your problem with me?" I demanded, staring right into Joy's eyes as I lifted my head. I felt bold and powerful suddenly. I hadn't realized how much I'd resented her.
"What?"
"Come on. Ever since we met you've had nothing nice to say to me, and lately you've been even worse. You act like I'm an idiot and you make me feel shitty all the time. It's not like I don't have enough self-esteem issues without you making them worse."
A fierce blush colored her creamy cheeks but she refrained from responding as the server brought our drinks. As soon as she'd walked away, Joy sighed with exasperation. "It's not anything you've done, all right?" She concentrated on stirring her black coffee, not looking at me. "Sometimes you seem sort of . . . stuck-up. Like you can't be bothered to socialize with anyone else."
I narrowed my eyes at her and Chris started nodding sympathetically. "It's true, Lilly. Some people at school won't talk to you just because they think you won't talk to them. It's because you're quiet, I think, so you're not very approachable. But it's not your fault," she added quickly. "It's just the way you are."
"Oh." I could feel my face warming and I fidgeted with my silverware. "I sort of knew that."
"Please, don't take it the wrong way," Chris said earnestly. "Obviously you wouldn't want to be friends with someone not interested in getting to know you, right?"
I shook my head. "Anyway, Joy," I said quietly, "I was just trying to look out for you. Merko really is a creep."
"Well. Thanks," she replied stiffly.
When our food arrived, Austin finally succeeded in catching my eye. His expression said he was sorry and he silently indicated we needed to talk about what had happened. I wasn't sure I was ready for that. I had never particularly liked him in all the time I'd known him, not because of anything he'd done but because of a nasty little feeling I got whenever I found myself in his presence. I'd tried to ignore it lately, but now I wondered if it had anything to do with my past lives. I couldn't help but connect Austin with Cayden and Kennard, neither of whom I had liked in the past. I wondered if his feelings for me in this life were merely residual. Did he have a choice in how he felt about me? I knew neither boy had actually loved me in the past, nor did Austin love me now, but they had been there, drawn to me by circumstances. Was Austin merely acting out his part? Would his feelings eventually falter?
I had to conclude Austin did have a choice, both in h
is actions and feelings, the same way I did concerning Ahaziel. Maybe he felt drawn to me, but the strength of his attraction was something else altogether. I doubted he wanted a relationship with me, but eventually he would realize there could be nothing between us other than friendship, at best. And maybe, I considered, that was what he wanted to talk to me about after all. I shot him a quick nod across the table. We'd speak after lunch.
While Austin took care of the check, the others waited outside. I lingered, pretending to tie my shoe. When Austin came back to the table to leave the tip, I waited for him to say whatever he needed to. To apologize, hopefully.
"Listen, about last night . . ." He scuffed his foot on the floor. "I didn't mean for that to happen. I thought you liked me."
"Why did you think that?" I asked, arms crossed. "Because most every other girl in school likes you, I must too?"
"Ah . . . sort of. I guess. But you're different from those girls, you know. I didn't plan on liking you. I hardly ever noticed you until lately, but then one day you were just there, and I wanted to . . . I don't know. Be near you, I guess."
I felt troubled. Maybe Austin didn't have a choice. It unnerved me to think a reincarnation cycle stripped people of free will. Maybe my life was playing out almost exactly as it had one hundred and two hundred years earlier. The only way to free him and myself was for me to die. To be killed by Merko.
But it was obvious I had to stop him before that happened. Maybe the cycle could be broken if I killed him instead.
"Austin," I said as plainly as possible, "I'm not interested. And it would be best if you just forget about me and move on to someone else."
He frowned, looking as if he wanted to say something, but then he just nodded and we met up with the others outside. I was pleased I seemed to have solved that problem, at least.
"Brandt," I said on the drive home. "I know you said you don't believe in past lives—"
"I said I don't know if I do," he corrected.
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