“This is the sister you were trying to help before I left.”
“I failed. I didn’t keep her from the monster. I thought he’d kill her, but I think he’s done something worse. He’s changed her somehow. She’s not the person I used to know.”
Ezekiel laughed. “I don’t think that’s what it is.”
“I can’t think that she’s hated me all along.”
“Not about you, Gabriel. It’s about protection. She told you that she wouldn’t allow you to trade away her husband. You left to negotiate anyway.”
“But I wasn’t going to trade him.”
“Did you tell her that?”
Gabriel was quiet for several seconds. “Well, if that’s the only reason, then I’ll just go back and explain to her that I never had any intention of hurting Darius. And then everything can go back to the way it was.”
“Oh, that will work out well,” Ezekiel muttered sarcastically.
“Why wouldn’t it?”
“After they’ve experienced power? You think they’ll just hand the throne back to you, no questions asked. Be reasonable, Gabriel. They’ve tasted it, and they’re not going to let go of it.”
Gabriel didn’t say anything.
Ezekiel surveyed him. He couldn’t see him perfectly in the darkness, but he could make out the edges of him by the light of the moon and stars. Gabriel was just as alluring now as he’d been in Sarrasarra. And Ezekiel knew that this temptation was a sin. But he was too happy to be alive to worry too much about it. He’d been captured. He’d been punished. Maybe now it was time to sin again. He reached out and put his hand on top of Gabriel’s.
Gabriel, startled, looked up at him.
“Thank you,” he said. “For rescuing me.”
“Well, I couldn’t let you stay there. You were a prisoner. I had to do what I could for you.”
“No, you didn’t. You and I both know that there was no obligation for that kind of thing between us.”
Gabriel’s finger’s tentatively brushed the inside of Ezekiel’s palm.
Ezekiel felt shivers travel up his limbs.
“I…” Gabriel’s voice was soft. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
Ezekiel smiled a tired smile. “I thought about you too.”
His fingers still moved against the soft skin of the other man. “But I don’t mean to push. You made it clear that you don’t want—”
“I want.”
“That you wanted not to want.”
Ezekiel sighed. “It’s a sin, Gabriel, and you can’t convince me otherwise. I know it’s easier for you to turn a blind eye to God and to deny him—”
“It’s not like that. It’s logical—”
“No, it isn’t. It isn’t logical that there aren’t consequences for our actions, that there isn’t order to the world. God creates order. If there was no God, there would only be chaos. That’s logic.”
“The world is chaos.” Gabriel squeezed his eyes shut and opened them. “Never mind. I know I can’t change your mind.”
“And I can’t change yours.”
“I didn’t even mean…” He tried to pull his hand away.
Ezekiel held onto him. “It’s only that it occurred to me that I was focusing on only one aspect of God. I was focusing on his judgment, not his mercy. I don’t know why it is that I’m tempted by men when others aren’t. And I don’t think I’ll ever be convinced that it’s right for me to feel what I feel for you. But… maybe it’s just too big to fight right now.”
“Are you saying…?”
Ezekiel felt embarrassed. He flushed and looked away.
“But I have nowhere to take you,” whispered Gabriel. “We can’t go back to the capital. I may have gotten you away from those rebels, but I haven’t got a better option. We’re no better than gypsies ourselves now.”
* * *
Nathaniel had gotten within earshot of Gabriel and Ezekiel, and quickly retreated once he heard what they were talking about. The two of them looked very intimate, and—he couldn’t help it—that made him feel uncomfortable. It seemed strange and wrong somehow. And it was also frightening in some way he couldn’t quite pin down.
But he didn’t want to talk to Leah. He had no idea what to say to her.
Luckily, she didn’t seem to be any more interested in him than he was in her. So, he managed to stay clear easily. He thought about trotting off into the night, away from all of them. There wasn’t any reason to stay, after all.
He felt a bit guilty about it, though. He needed to at least thank Gabriel for helping him escape.
Why had he done it, anyway?
Clearly, he hadn’t done it for Leah. She wanted nothing to do with him.
But after he expressed his gratitude, he’d need to be on his way.
And go where?
He scrubbed at his face in the cold night, standing and staring into the distance, and he felt very, very alone.
Suddenly, he turned on his heel and marched back to the horses, which was the last place that he’d seen Leah. She was still there. She seemed to have taken everything out of one of the saddlebags. Now she was putting it back.
“Now, look here,” said Nathaniel, putting as much force into his words as he could.
She looked up at him, alarmed. “What? Who?”
“It’s me,” said Nathaniel. He folded his arms over his chest. “So, you say you’re pregnant.”
“I am,” she said.
“How can you be sure?”
“Well, there are the usual ways to know. I haven’t bled, and I feel sick all the time, and I’m very tired.” She glared at him. “I’m not lying about it, you know.”
“No, I know that.” He heaved a huge sigh. He turned away again, started to walk off. But then he stopped again. He looked back at her. “The thing is, I don’t think I want you to pass it off as Gabriel’s child. I know that might be want you want to do. After all, being an emperor’s son is—”
“Gabriel isn’t the emperor now,” she said.
“What?”
She explained.
He listened, feeling more and more confused and worried with every word that came out of her mouth. “A necromancer is ruling the empire?”
“Yes.”
“This is…” He scratched the top of his head. “I’d never expected…”
“He’s a commoner,” said Leah. “He’s not of noble blood. Maybe that will make things better.”
“He’s a monster,” said Nathaniel. “Deep down, all he wants is to eat human flesh, just like the revenants.”
She made a face.
“Well,” said Nathaniel. “So, what are you going to do now? Where are you going to go?”
“I don’t…” She hugged herself. “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.”
“I don’t have anywhere to go either.”
They peered at each other.
She picked at her skirts. “Did you mean any of it?”
“Hmm?”
“When you said all those things to me, about us being together forever and about me coming on the road with you? That you were in love with me? Did you mean any of that?”
“That?” He shook his head. “Not really. I sort of meant it in a way, I suppose. When I said the words, it seemed as if they were tangible, like I was creating a beautiful, illusory future. I liked the idea of it.”
“But you didn’t really mean it.”
He cleared his throat. “No, I suppose I didn’t.”
She nodded slowly. Her lower lip trembled.
“Oh, hey, there.” He reached out to pat her shoulder. “You shouldn’t take it personally. I said it to all the girls.”
She recoiled as if he’d slapped her.
“No, I didn’t mean…” He buried his face in his hands. “I’m just making a mess of it all. I’m not good at this, at talking to girls.”
Her jaw dropped. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you are. You could talk anyone into anything. If you’re good at a
nything, it’s talking.” There was a note of accusation in her tone.
“That’s not real talking,” he said. “That’s a performance. It’s like taking on a character, like acting. I say the things the character would say. But when I’m trying to be myself… well, I don’t know what to say.”
She shook her head slowly. “So, everything about you is a lie. The man I thought I fell in love with doesn’t exist. He was just a ‘performance.’” She pushed past him. “Leave me alone, please.”
He went after her. “No, wait, I…”
She walked faster, putting more distance between them.
“At first, you didn’t seem to be taken in by it!” he called after her.
She stopped, but she didn’t turn around.
He hurried and caught up with her. “Sometimes I get sick of those girls, the ones who swoon over everything I say. You weren’t like them. Not at first. I found you intriguing.”
“I was a challenge.”
“Yes.”
“And then you ramped up the charm and I fell for it just as hard as all the others did. So you realized I wasn’t anything special.” She was bitter.
“No.” This wasn’t going well. “That isn’t what I meant.”
She started to walk again. “I don’t know why I insisted he save you. You’re worse than I thought.”
“I don’t want to be,” he said, feeling desperate. “I just, I…” He cast his glance about, as if looking for something that would save him from all of this. But there was nothing. He’d lost his companions, the only people he’d been close to his entire life. They thought of him as a traitor, and he could never go back to them. And the purpose that had driven him for his entire life—the idea of revolution—well, it was all strange now, with a necromancer on the throne. He didn’t know who he was or what he should be doing. He didn’t even have any idea where to go.
But then something she’d just said registered with him, and he was scurrying after her again.
He grabbed her by the shoulder and turned her to face him. “You wanted me saved?”
She wriggled free. “Let go of me.”
“But did you? Is that why I’m free? Because of you?”
“I was stupid,” she said. “I was an idiot to care about you.”
“Maybe,” he said. He considered. “Probably, I suppose. But…” He smiled. “Thank you.”
She drew back. She hadn’t been expecting that.
“I’m sorry that I was so awful to you,” he said. “I was stupid and blind, and I had no idea how much damage I was causing. I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore. I’ve always wanted to do something good for the world. I never wanted to hurt people.”
She gave him a withering look. “I’ve managed.”
It had felt good to apologize like that, to get it all out there. He felt a tiny shred of peace starting to grow deep inside. She wasn’t forgiving him, of course, not yet. “Listen, is there anything I can do for you? Anything to make this better?”
She met his gaze, looking suspicious. “How on earth would you do that?”
He considered. Off the top of his head, he couldn’t really think of anything. “I do want your forgiveness, Leah.”
She drew herself up, lifting her chin. “Really?”
“Yes.” He peered earnestly into her eyes.
“Well, I don’t forgive you.”
This time, when she walked away from him, he didn’t follow her.
Maybe he was crazy, but he thought things were getting better between them.
* * *
Leah awoke to find Gabriel struggling to build a fire. He had flint, and he’d gathered together some branches, but he wasn’t having any luck. She approached and immediately saw the problem. He hadn’t built the fire properly. She sat down next to him and started dismantling the branches.
“Hey,” he said. “What are you doing?”
She shot him an amused look. “How many times have you made your own fire?”
“I know how to make a fire!” he insisted.
“The servants don’t make yours every day?”
He sighed. “Maybe.”
“I know how to make fires,” she said. “You have to build it so that the hungriest, easiest parts to catch are on top. All the big pieces should be down at the bottom, and the little twigs and dry leaves should be up here.” She demonstrated, piling the wood into a better formation. “See?”
“I think so.”
“This way, it’s easier to get it to catch, and then once it’s been burning a bit, the bigger pieces will catch too.” She reached out her hand. “Give me the flint.”
He handed it over.
She struck it against a rock until it made sparks, which fell onto the logs. It took a bit of coaxing, but soon they had a tiny flame, surging over the leaves. She piled more dry leaves on, and the fire billowed up.
Gabriel cried out, jumping back.
But then the fire settled, and the larger pieces started to catch, just as she’d explained.
He came back, closer. “Well, you do seem to know what you’re doing, I’ll give you that.”
She laughed.
“There’s oatmeal I thought we could heat up for breakfast.”
While she and Gabriel worked over the fire together, Nathaniel and Ezekiel woke up and joined them. They all sat near the fire as the oatmeal boiled.
When she saw Nathaniel, she decided to be polite to him that morning. There was no reason to ignore him or be overly cross. It would simply make things more difficult. It didn’t mean that she forgave him or anything, though. It just meant she would rather things be pleasant.
He was quite attentive to her as well, offering to help out with what she was doing.
Ezekiel, on the other hand, still seemed a little gruff in his manner towards her.
Once the food was all ladled out and they were eating, Ezekiel got downright rude. “Why is it that the two of you are around, anyway?”
“Ezekiel, Leah’s welcome here,” said Gabriel, laughing a little.
“I just thought they’d both want to be shut of you,” he said. “She never liked you, and he’s been plotting to overthrow you. Doesn’t seem like they’d be good traveling companions.”
Gabriel shrugged. “None of that really matters now.” He turned to Nathaniel. “Of course, you’re under no obligation. If you two would like to take your leave, I wouldn’t stand in your way.”
Leah raised her eyebrows. “What makes you think that I want to go anywhere with him?”
Gabriel was surprised. “I thought that you wanted to be reunited with him.”
“I wanted him free,” said Leah. “That doesn’t mean I want to be with him.”
“So,” said Ezekiel, “you want to continue to be a burden to Gabriel, even though he owes you nothing?”
“Actually, she’s my wife,” said Gabriel. “I do owe her. I made vows to take care of her.”
“But she’s betrayed you,” said Ezekiel.
“Well, I’m sorry about that,” said Leah.
“Uh,” said Nathaniel, “I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. I don’t have anything. No clothes or money or food. And I don’t have anywhere to go.”
“Oh, well, then,” said Ezekiel. “We’ll have all of you hanging on.”
Gabriel eyed Ezekiel. “You have a problem with that?”
“I don’t see why we’re consorting with rebels and traitors, that’s all,” said Ezekiel. “If we’re going to restore your empire, having people like this—”
“Wait,” said Gabriel, “who said anything about restoring the empire?”
“Well,” said Ezekiel, “you can’t let the throne be filled by a necromancer. By a commoner.”
“What’s wrong with having a commoner as a ruler?” said Leah. “He’d be better at knowing how to treat the common people, wouldn’t he? What does a noble like you know about that kind of life? You’ve been pampered your whole life. You don’t even understand.”
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it,” said Ezekiel. “It’s against the will of God.”
Leah rolled her eyes.
Nathaniel cleared his throat and became very interested in his oatmeal.
Gabriel laughed softly.
“What?” said Ezekiel. “You’re all acting as if I’m an idiot, but most people agree with me. It’s common knowledge that we all must accept our lot in life to reach transcendence. The nobility is born into privilege because they were meant to be that way. It’s the will of God. There is no point in trying to fight it.”
“We have to fight it,” said Leah. “If we don’t fight it, nothing changes.”
“If people fight the way of God, then we end up just the way that society was before the Scourge,” said Ezekiel. He stared at all of them, completely flummoxed. “You all must know this. You’ve been to meetings and heard the words of the holy men. If you doubt it, you need only look outside the fences at the revenants. They are here as a constant reminder that God punishes those who go against his plan.”
Gabriel shook his head. “I don’t want to argue with you, Ezekiel.”
“Because you have no argument,” said Ezekiel.
“No,” said Gabriel, “because you are simply ignorant. You know only what the holy men have told us, and that’s not the truth.”
“I don’t believe that. Why would the holy men lie?”
“It’s not that they’re lying.” Gabriel sighed. “They’re ignorant too. No one knows the truth in this empire, because we’re not allowed to seek out answers. We’re all taught to accept everything, not to question, not to change things. We’re taught that being inquisitive is a sin. And so, we are all in the dark.”
Ezekiel sighed. “I suppose you’re so much better off, with all your questioning, your knowledge and reading.”
“I know that the Scourge wasn’t caused by God,” said Gabriel. “It was an accident, caused by people.”
“People who were seeking to disrupt the order of life. They were vain. They wanted to make it so that no one had to age—so that they could all keep their beautiful, young skin. Well, the revenants are beautiful. Beautiful and deadly. That is the message from God.”
Gabriel sighed again. “You can think that if you’d like. But there’s no evidence of interference from God. A virus infected a batch of a beauty cream. The effects were unexpected, but it doesn’t mean God had anything to do with it. Every time something bad happens, it doesn’t mean we’re being punished by a deity.”
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