by LM Terry
I turn around realizing that Dan and Raffe are now privy to my private business. Raffe is white like he’s seen a ghost. I suppose seeing a past fuck will do that to a guy and Dan looks like he wants to turn me over his knee, ground me or some shit.
“Fine. But, you have to tell Renee I want my goddamn bedroom door put back on my room.”
She shakes her head and looks confused.
“Yeah, no door, no go.”
“Of course, of course, come on,” she says impatiently. I’m sure she’s in a hurry to go ruin more kid’s lives today.
I grab my bag, stopping by Dan to squeeze his arm. “I’m fine. Stop looking like someone kicked your dog. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He nods but doesn’t say anything as I follow the suit out.
When I get to suit’s car she says we have to make a stop at the local doctor’s office before we do anything else. “Why the doctor?” I ask, smacking my gum loudly to annoy her.
“Someone has come forward; he says he’s your dad. We have to run a DNA test and then we will go from there.”
What!
“I don’t have a dad.”
“Don’t be silly. Everyone human on the planet has a dad. It’s biology, Jesse. You’re a smart girl, come on now.”
I shake my head. Your daddy is coming for you. I hear the scary man with tattoos say in my head.
Well, it certainly took him long enough. So long in fact that I don’t need him anymore.
Maybe he should have come before mama overdosed.
Before grandma and grandpa died.
Before Rick.
Before Father Gabriel.
Before Trap County.
Before I became a mean girl who doesn’t need a daddy.
I don’t need anyone.
No. Fucking. One.
We get my blood drawn, pick up my shit from old man Tom’s camper and then head to Renee’s. She is sitting at the table smoking a cigarette and Jimmy is watching a stupid game show. He chuckles when we walk in, making my skin crawl.
Suit lady looks at him. “Put her door back up.” She points to my old room. He shrugs, shoots me a smirk and heads out to the shed to get the door.
“Next time she goes missing call me,” she tells my aunt who looks about as enthused as a dead rat.
“Sure thing,” Aunt Renee says. She puts out her smoke and gets up to hold the door open for Jimmy who is now bringing the door inside.
“You call me if you need anything and I’ll call as soon as I get those results,” suit lady tells me.
“What results,” Jimmy asks, stopping in the middle of the living room, peeking around my bedroom door.
“I’m sorry, but confidentiality,” suit lady answers with a smug look on her face. “Keep in mind, Renee, you receive monthly payments to take care of Jesse. I expect that is what they are being used for.”
I walk suit lady out and she pauses by her car. “You have less than a year, Jesse. I know this isn’t an ideal situation. Just stick it out a bit longer. Okay?”
Nodding I wave and turn back towards the trailer, steeling myself for what is to come. I notice William lurking a few trailers down. If I weren’t so damn stubborn I would break down and talk to him. I want to but it hurts too much to see him. He is always watching me though. Still the big brother. Too bad I’m busy being a snotty little sister.
Renee is getting dressed in her slutty work clothes when I get back inside. She tells me she is working the entire weekend. My eyes slide to Jimmy. He’s pretending to watch the game show still blaring on the television. He isn’t really watching though. I feel his interest rolling off him in waves and I want to puke. As soon as Renee leaves I’m out of here, no way am I staying. Even if I have the door back to my room.
My room looks exactly the same. I run my finger over the dusty dresser and plop down on my old bed waiting for Renee to leave so I can make my escape. I lay back staring at the ceiling. My eyes close and I think about the blood test. The one that might link me to someone in this world other than Renee. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.
Unfortunately, I’m as stupid as they come, and I fall asleep. When I wake up the room is dark except for the light of the moon pouring in through the window. I grab my bags and tip toe through the living room, praying to Gabriel’s god that Jimmy is either gone or passed out.
“Going somewhere, Sugar?” Jimmy drawls.
“Just let me go and when the fucking suit lady comes back you can ring me. I’ll leave my number.”
“You’ve sure grown up, Sugar,” he says, standing from the couch.
It’s then I realize he’s been calling me by my street name. I’m almost one hundred percent certain that he’s not using it as an endearment. He knows. He knows I’m Sugar. I pull my bag up higher on my shoulder, wishing I had my gun. I begin to inch towards the door. “You know, Jimmy, this is a win, win. You guys get to keep the money you get from the state for taking care of me and I get to be by myself, no offense to your parenting skills or anything.”
He lunges for me, knocking us both to the ground. “You know how much trouble you’ve caused me, Sugar,” he spits my street name in my face as he hovers over me. He pins my arms over my head with one hand, the other tightly wraps around my neck.
Jimmy takes the entire weekend to show me just how much trouble I caused him. I fought for a long time. The carpet was rough on my cheek as it rubbed back and forth over the course material, my tears soaking into it. All I could think about was how I had let the tattooed man down. I didn’t protect what was mine. I tried but Jimmy is so much stronger than me.
After a few hours I stopped fighting. Since the trouble I caused took not only money out of his pocket but his entire club, several of them were invited over to join in punishing me. Minutes of terror turned to hours of pain and humiliation turned to days of leaving me nothing but a broken shell.
At first I thought of a million ways to be mean to Jimmy. Each idea meaner than the previous but I’ve even given up on that. There’s not one mean thing I could do to him that would be worse than what he’s done to me.
I’m in my bed now, laying on my stomach, eyes focused on the empty wall by my bed. I heard Jimmy cleaning the place up and then the roar of his bike as he drove away. I’m not sure what day it is but surely Renee will return home at some point.
Jimmy informed me that this was just the beginning. My debt to them won’t be paid in full for the foreseeable future. Sugar is now their bitch. She is going to pay by selling their drugs and sucking their cocks. Since I’m Sugar I guess that means I’m their bitch too.
The pain in my body is the only thing that signals to my brain that I’m still alive. I feel dead inside. Dead, just like the skull I paint on my face when I become her. Empty, hollow, nothing but bones and an occasional beat of heart.
I’ve got money hidden under some tires in old man Tom’s back yard. I knew no one would steal it there. No one can get close to that dog but Tom and me. Maybe I should go get it and try to catch the bus somewhere.
Yeah, I’ll get the money. I’ll lay low at Tom’s until I feel good enough to get on that bus and then I’ll never look back. I’ve learned a lot from Big Dan. Enough that maybe I can open my own shop somewhere. Somewhere far away from here.
What if I go somewhere new and the same thing happens? This seems to be a pattern in my life. I must have something tattooed across my forehead that only pricks can see. Like a neon flashing sign that flashes, all pricks welcome.
Doesn’t matter I guess. I couldn’t protect what was mine, so they took it. I’m tired of being mean. Tired of being me. Tired of…
Someone is knocking again. They’ve been knocking off and on for hours. I wish they would stop.
I just need to get the money and lay low in Tom’s camper for a while.
Don’t think about it. Don’t you fucking think about it. It’s fine. I need to get out of here before Renee comes home or worse, Jimmy comes back. I shift my head a tiny bit to see
what time of day it is. It’s dark. Perfect. No one can see me. Not like this.
I drag myself up, grab my shorts and t-shirt from the floor, throw them on and walk out. I don’t take anything with me, not even my shoes. Tom’s house is only a few minutes away. Something trickles down my leg, but I have to keep going. I have to get away from Renee’s.
Someone pulls up beside me. I ignore them and continue to limp along, cutting through the empty lot so they can’t follow me with their car. Please go away. Please go away.
I stop when I hear William’s voice. “I found her. She’s in the lot to the north of Emerson trailer park. Yeah, come quick.” Heavy boot sounds stomp behind me. I try to hurry away but I trip and fall onto the hard, dusty ground. I’m crawling behind a bush to hide when he catches up to me. “Jess,” he drops to the ground in front of me. I curl up in a ball, hiding my face from him.
Someone else kneels beside me. It’s Penny. She puts her arm around me, and I lean into her, rubbing my hand over her swollen belly like I saw William do the other day. His baby is in there, all protected and shit. I should give my money to them so they can get the fuck out of here and raise this sweet little thing somewhere else. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t have a chance anymore. I didn’t protect what was mine. These two have a future. I know William will make a great daddy. He will. And, even though I hate to admit it, Penny will make a great mother.
William stands and yells to someone. “Over here, hurry.” Then he drops back beside me. “Jesse, look at me, Jess,” he pleads. I don’t. He will see what they took from me. “Jesus Christ,” he whispers.
Penny runs her hand over mine and holds me tight to her. Yeah, she will make a fantastic mother. This little peanut is a lucky little guy or girl. William and Penny will protect them from the pricks. For the first time my heart aches to belong to someone.
I hear more boots stomping towards us, so I push myself up off the ground quickly. I need to get to Tom’s, I haven’t fed and watered the dog in I don’t know how many days. He’s probably starving.
“Jess, where are you going?” William doesn’t touch me. He just follows beside me while I limp my way along. I keep my head down and focus on moving my bare feet, one in front of the other. That is until large boots enter my vision, halting me in my tracks.
My entire body is shaking now. I’m suddenly cold, so cold. Big Dan doesn’t move. I can feel the heat radiating off him, so I take a tiny step closer. He doesn’t move a muscle, and nobody says anything. My teeth are chattering now so I take another tiny step.
Then another.
And, another.
Another.
His arms wrap around me and I burrow myself deep into his chest.
Good news is Dan is warm just like I would imagine a big grizzly bear would be.
Bad news, well you already know the bad news. I’ve lost something and I’ll never be able to get it back.
Chapter Nine
Big Dan
◆◆◆
Idon’t know who I want to kill more at the moment. The last three years Jesse has become like a daughter to me and now I know why. She’s Bill’s kid. She doesn’t even know this yet. When the social worker came and took her a few days ago I was dumfounded. Jesse had been living on her own for the past year and no one even knew. Not until Bill came forward to claim her did social services go looking for her and when the aunt didn’t know where she was they listed her as a runaway.
An entire fucking year.
I’ve known Jesse has had it rough. Everyone in this god forsaken county has it rough one way or another. When Jess left with the worker Raffe literally stood up and then collapsed to the ground. She has managed to find the soft spot of two grown ass, burly men. Well I wouldn’t call Raffe burly, but you know what I mean.
Her young friend William has been worried sick about her. He’s been keeping an eye on her trailer for us, said she hadn’t left for several days. It’s a giant shit show. My cousin Dirk and Bill showed up Saturday morning in the midst of this cluster fuck. Raffe apologized profusely to Bill for not figuring out sooner that our Jess was his long-lost daughter.
And now here she is falling apart in my arms. I want to run with her. Take her away from all of this. Bill and Dirk stayed at my place, we didn’t know what was going on and we didn’t want to overwhelm her. My gaze catches Raffe’s, all I see is horror in his moonlit eyes.
“Hey, William why don’t you take your girlfriend on home and we will take care of Jess,” I tell the kid.
He looks at his girlfriend who is silently crying. “I can’t leave Jesse,” he whispers. “You don’t know what she’s been through.”
Jesse pulls away from me. “William follow me,” she says quietly. “You all wait here for a minute, please.”
She doesn’t look at anyone. William takes her hand and I watch as they open the fence and slip into Tom Winslow’s back yard. The beast of a dog starts barking but Jesse walks right up to him. He licks her face as she kneels in front of him. She points to a pile of tires and William lifts a few of them and pulls out something covered in what looks like a trash bag.
He walks back to the gate and waits for her. She pats the dog’s head before joining William along the fence line. She takes the item from William and unwraps it. She takes what looks like cash out, then wraps it back up and pushes it against the young man’s chest. He shakes his head. I glance at his girlfriend. She is watching the exchange with sadness in her eyes. She whispers, “I think you should know this isn’t the first time she’s been hurt.”
Raffe’s gaze shoots to hers. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to tell her story. It’s hers to tell, but William and Jesse have history. Not a pleasant one. They are both lucky to have each other.” She tears her eyes away from William and Jess to stare at the ground. “I didn’t mean to come between them. I wish she would let him back into her life.”
William’s scream draws all of our attention back to them. He is holding Jesse’s limp body in his arms. I run over to them. “She just passed out,” he says, looking into her face helplessly.
“Maybe we should take her to the hospital,” William’s girlfriend frets.
All three of us say, “no,” in unison.
Raffe takes Jesse from William’s arms. I grip his shoulders and look him in the eye. “Take your girlfriend home and get some sleep. Come by my place in the morning. I’ll take good care of her. I promise.” I shake his shoulders slightly and he nods.
“Call me if she needs me. Please, call no matter the time.” He wraps his arm around his girl, and they head back to his rod.
“I’ll get the car. Wait here,” I tell Raffe.
He is looking down at Jesse with tears in his eyes. “This is all my fault,” he says.
“Stop, she doesn’t need you feeling sorry about this shit. She needs you with your balls intact. She needs you to be ready for war.”
He nods once and lifts her up higher in his arms. I run to the car and pull in front of Tom’s watching as Raffe comes around from the side of the house with her. He carefully climbs in the back seat and I close the door behind them. “We’ve got to call Dirk and give them a heads up or some shit,” I say as I pull away from the curb.
“Oh fuck, man. Stop the car a minute,” he says in a grave voice.
I pull the car over and turn to peer into the backseat. He flips the flashlight on his phone and runs it over her from head to toe. I dive for my door, getting it open just in time to be sick. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“What do we do, man?” Raffe asks.
I don’t say anything, wiping my mouth off on my jacket. Starring out at the open road in front of us, I realize the gates to hell have been unlocked and there will be no going back. “Someone’s going to die for this.”
“Yeah,” Raffe agrees.
“She needs a doctor. We have to tell him. He will kill us both if we don’t take her to him right the fuck now.”
“Yeah,” he says again, stunn
ed into one-word responses.
I dial Dirk. He answers in one ring. “Find her?” he asks.
“Prepare Bill for the worst possible thing he can imagine. We’re on the way now.”
“Is she dead?”
“No, but I’m sure she wishes she was.”
Dead air.
“Call a doctor, Dirk,” I say before hanging up.
We’ve all had a hand in this, me included.
I fucking came here to get away from the club. Shit, I didn’t want any part of it. I wanted to do my art in peace, and I had that, until I met the little pack of dynamite that is currently in my backseat. I would do anything for her, anything. Including going back to that life.
Jesse mumbles from the backseat. “I…wait, hey, I need to go back to Tom’s,” she says, her voice cracking. I look in the mirror and see her trying to sit up, pushing herself off Raffe.
“You’re not going anywhere but to my house,” I tell her.
When she doesn’t respond with her normal smart ass remark I look in the review mirror. Her head is leaning against the window and her eyes are tilted towards the moon. “I let him down,” she says, her eyes dropping to mine in the mirror.
“Who?” I ask, breaking eye contact for a moment to glance at the road.
“The scary man with the tattoos. I let him down. I didn’t protect what was mine,” she says with so much sadness and despair it wedges a thorn into my heart. I can feel the blood slowly trickling out around it.
Raffe pulls her into his arms. “Shh, baby. You didn’t let anyone down. Just rest, sweetheart.”
The scary man with the tattoos. Dirk. She is talking about Dirk. Jesus, what the fuck is going on here?
When we get to my place the house is dark. Dirk and Bill must be getting the doc. I carry her in and take her straight to my room laying her down on the bed. She immediately rolls away from me. “Raffe, wait for Dirk and Bill. Explain what we know. Send the doctor in when he gets here. Everyone else stays the fuck out till I them different, that includes Bill. Got it?”