by LM Terry
“Well, I need to sell this shit for the Devils. Don’t ask me why, I won’t tell you. Just know I need to sell it and I want it done outside of Trap.”
His eyes wander over my face and they soften as he takes in my battered face. “Sugar, I told you those guys shouldn’t be messed with,” he says quietly.
I bang my palm on the steering wheel. “I know. I know what you told me, Tate, but I got to get rid of it. Can we cut it with something better, bring the grade up and push it in Reno?”
“How long are we going to be doing this?”
“Just a few times. Until I…well until I can get rid of him.”
His eyes go wide, and he hops away from the rod as if it burned him. He grips his hair, turning in a circle. “Jesse…”
“I told you not to call me that when we are doing business.”
“This isn’t about business. You’re going to get yourself killed, Jess.”
Tate and I have become friends. I guess you could say he replaced William after he and Penny hooked up. I trust him. He watches my back, knowing the drug world is not where my strengths lie.
Tate is tall, lanky, maybe mid-twenties, with a boyish face and charm. His hair flops over his brown eyes which he is always flipping out of the way. He started selling drugs to help his mom. She has cancer and her disability checks barely cover her rent and groceries, leaving nothing for anything else.
“I’ll double your money for the risk of getting it from point A to B. Please, Tate?”
“I’m not worried about me. You can’t just get rid of Jimmy. Even if you succeed there will be retribution. From the looks of you, you’ve already experienced some of that.” He squats down and rests his arms on my windowsill.
My head rests against the back of the seat. “I know, I fucked up. But, I have to try. He will never leave me alone if I don’t.”
“Yeah, you know I can handle it. Just, don’t go getting yourself killed.” He flops his hair and lays his head on his arms. “Maybe, I can be the go between. That way you won’t have to be alone with him.”
“No. I’m already asking too much. I’ll be fine, promise.”
Tate gives me a big smile and opens the door for me. “Okay, Sugar, you’re the boss.”
I hand Tate the bag and he locks it in his truck as I head inside.
Good news is the market for dope is never ending.
Bad news is I hate it. I hate it all.
Chapter Fifteen
Jesse
◆◆◆
All six of my runners had already heard the rumors that I would be selling for Jimmy. Good news travels fast. I assured them nothing has changed. I didn’t lie. Sometimes honesty is the best policy. Once they heard what happened, the first time I’ve told anyone, they all vow to have my back. Tate is going to handle the sale of their shit and the rest of the guys will handle things in Trap. Not much will change.
Donny approaches me as everyone else heads out. He hands me a wad of cash that will go back to the residents of Trap as I see fit. “Hey, this is shitty timing after what you just told us about you and Jimmy but….” he hands me a polaroid.
I stare at the photo, blood pumps in my ears and my hands begin to tremble. My mind races back to a time when I was young, when I was the girl in the photo.
“I…I figured you might know who she is and make this right. One of our new customers dropped this as he was pulling his cash out.”
I slide the photo in my back pocket no longer able to look at it. “Where does he live?”
Donny shakes his head. “Don’t know, like I said he is one of the newer ones. I think he lives over on the east side.”
“Next time he shows up, follow him. Call me with an address when you get it.”
He nods. “I’ve wanted to rip my eyeballs out since I found it.”
“You did the right thing, Donny. I’ll take care of it.”
“Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.” He taps a finger under my chin. Donny is mid-thirties. He’s been selling in Trap County for over a decade. I kept him because he doesn’t put up with bullshit.
“Play it cool when he shows up again. He’s probably wondering where he lost this. If you do anything different he may bolt.”
When all the men take off, I crouch down beside Sylvia and throw up. The picture is burning a hole in my back pocket. I pull it out and toss it face down on the passenger seat.
Fuck!
I sit in the rod for a few minutes before calling William. He answers first ring.
“Everything okay?” he asks nervously.
“Yeah,” my voice cracks on the word when I force it out.
“I’ll turn around. What is it?”
“No. Goddammit. Don’t you dare turn around and come back to this shit hole. I…I just remembered something.”
“Jesse,” he sighs. “Are you alone?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you alone? You have people. Lean on them. You shouldn’t be alone after what you’ve just been through.”
“What I’ve just been through?” I stare at the shiny black photo on the seat next to me.
“Yes, get your ass back to Dan’s. Let him help you.”
“Did you ever think about killing him?” I ask William.
There is a long silence that follows my question.
“Jesse, you’re scaring me. Please go to Dan’s.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m headed there now. You’re right, Jimmy is just in my head, messing with me. Call me when you guys get there?”
“We will.” He takes a breath and as he lets it out he finally answers my question. “Yes, yes I’ve thought about killing him every single day.”
“Drive safe,” I whisper before hanging up.
I head over to Samuel’s hardware store. He looks up when I walk in. “Hey, Jesse. How’s your aunt doing?” I smile and tell him she is fine. He’s always had a crush on her. But, he is too nice for her. Too good of a man. Her words not mine.
When I traded him cans of paint for her phone number I had secretly prayed that they would get together. She turned him down and blocked his number. He is an attractive man, owns his own business and is kind. He is the perfect catch, but she turned him down because she didn’t feel worthy enough to date someone like him.
He helps me lug all my paint out to Sylvia. “Whatcha working on. Any murals here in town?”
He’s always bragging to the other store owners in town about how much people love the mural of the beach I did on the side of his building. He’s brought a lot of business my way.
“No, nothing right now. I’m just restocking my paints.”
He nods, offering me a little wave as he heads back inside.
I glance around the parking lot. It’s odd no one has followed or called me. Maybe Dan and the rest of them have given up on me already. I was pretty mean back at the shop. Oh, well. I’ve got so much going on it’s probably for the best.
Right now, I need to paint. I haven’t been out to the railyard in a long time. As I get closer my mind becomes a colorful swirl of lines and curves. I pull up amongst all the abandoned railcars. Some are occupied by squatters with nowhere else to go. Before I head to the cars I’ve claimed I walk around and greet the residents of rail town. Little fires pop up as the sun sets. I hand bills to those in need of food or clothing. Once I’ve made the rounds I unlock my sanctuary.
I turn the lantern on and close the door behind me. The light chases away shadows, my hopes and dreams come out to say hello. I have two railcars. This one holds my dreams. The other one…well, let’s just say the other one I haven’t unlocked for a long time. It holds my nightmares.
Chapter Sixteen
Dirk
◆◆◆
I’ve watched the little dot flit around on my phone all day. This girl is busy. When she went back to the trailer I moved closer to her. She must have been picking something up because she was only there for a few minutes. Now she is at the railyard and she’s been here for hours.
Hours I’ve waited in the dark watching the box car for movement. She's in there alone, what the fuck is she doing? Maybe this was where she stayed when she went missing.
The door finally slides open. She emerges and locks it behind her. I watch as she stares at the car beside the one she came out of. She unlocks it and slides the door open. The light of the lantern dances across her face as she holds it in front of her to peer into the dark car. Jesse stands there, swaying slightly. She looks tired.
Her bag drops to the ground beside her and her hand goes to her throat. What the fuck is in there? Suddenly she reaches out and slams the door shut, frantically trying to lock it. I slide off my bike. She’s scared. I take a step but in the blink of an eye she has her bag and is jogging to her rod.
I stand there a few minutes before walking over to the box cars. It only takes me a few seconds before I’ve picked the lock of the first car, the one she spent so much time in. I step inside and flick my lighter. She has a lantern right beside the door. I turn it on and close the door behind me.
My gaze wanders over the vibrant colors that adorn the walls, the ceiling, the old rotted floor. Fresh paint stands out against the older faded pictures. Most of the old pictures are of a faceless man. The new one has a face. A face and a tattoo over his chest with her name. I rub my own chest as if the tattoo is on me. Christ, this girl makes me ache. Makes me…feel. Fuck!
I flip my phone to the video setting and stand in the middle of the car, slowly I spin in a circle stopping on the most recent image. I pause there. He needs to see this. Needs to know. A box car filled with him and all of the things she loves. Rainbows, roller skates and happiness.
As I’m locking the door I realize what this car contains. It’s her. The girl she was before her world crashed and burned. Under all that spunk and sass is a little girl with hopes and dreams.
When I unlock the other car, I see something entirely different. This one I understand. It’s ugly and scary. It’s her pain. Nothing looks newly painted here. No. This happened long before she came here. Demons, religious relics, skulls…death. I hold my arms out in front of me, studying my black ink then I look back to the walls. A dark story. Mine’s on my body. Hers is here.
A thud sounds behind me. I turn expecting to see her but it’s Raffe. He’s on his knees. Fucker must have followed me, following her. “No,” he whispers.
“You going to help me?” I ask, as I light up a cigarette.
His eyes frantically dart over the images in front of us. “We have to be careful here, Dirk.”
I place my hand on his shoulder and squeeze. “I was careful with you wasn’t I?”
His eyes pull away from the darkness and come to rest on my face. The corners of his eyes soften as he takes me in. He nods. I pull him to his feet and watch as he runs his hands over the dark paint. He traces a cross with his finger before sliding over to examine the flames that start on the floor of the box car and climb up the walls engulfing the entire ceiling. Demon eyes gleam, hidden by the dark smoke between the bright orange flames.
“Shit,” he whispers, holding his hands in front of the painting as if he can feel the heat radiating off the wall of the box car.
“It hasn’t consumed her,” I say. He turns to face me. I nod towards the other car. “It’s filled with good.”
He closes his eyes. I remember dragging Raffe into the light. Holding him there, forcing him to look directly into it. I couldn’t let the darkness swallow him like it did me.
And now, together we will make sure it doesn’t swallow her.
Chapter Seventeen
Jesse
◆◆◆
Dan seems surprised when I show up at his place. “You don’t have to knock, doll.”
“Yeah, well this is temporary. It’s not my space. I’ll knock.” He holds the door open for me.
“What’s mine is yours. We grilled some burgers. Saved you one in the fridge.” Dan sits down on the couch and pats the spot beside him. “He waited you know.”
“I know. I waited too…until he left.” I lean against the wall and pick at the paint on my hands.
“How long are you going to beat him up?”
“Seventeen years sounds about right.”
“Jesse, he didn’t want to be away from you. It wasn’t his choice.”
“We all have choices, Dan.” I push off the wall and head towards the back of his house. “I’m beat. Care if I shower and hit the hay?”
“Did you go to the doctor?” he asks, leaning forward and resting his arms on his knees.
I pause beside the couch. “What do you think?”
“I’ll go with you,” he says, holding as still as he can, like I’m a scared rabbit that will bolt. His face relaxes when I take the seat on the opposite end of the couch.
Biting my lip, I pull my feet up on the couch and shift to face him. “What do you see when you look at me?” I ask.
He tips his head in thought. “Someone I love, an amazing artist, a business partner.”
I blush and drop my head, so my hair covers my face. That was not what I was expecting. I wanted to know why he looks at me different. He looks at me like Will does. It’s…it’s nice. It’s safe. They don’t see what other men see.
Dan slides down the couch, his thigh brushing my toes. He lifts my head with a knuckle under my chin. His eyes scan my face. “What’s this about?”
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the ass. What a mess I’ve made of your life.”
“Life is messy, Jess. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.” He scans the rug burn on my face. “Let me take you to the doc in the morning.”
I nod my head yes.
He smiles wide. “That’s my girl.”
“I’ll warm your food up while you shower,” he says getting up from the couch.
“Thank you for everything. If you hadn’t let me hang out at the shop the last three years I…” my words trail off.
He nods, he knows. While I’m grabbing some clothes from my bag in his room I hear him on the phone with my dad. My dad.
Leaning against the wall in the hallway I listen.
“I’m taking her in to see doc in the morning.” He pauses. “What did she say?” Another pause. “Well, that’s great news, one less problem. You never doubted she was yours and I didn’t doubt it either. She has your fucking attitude.” The microwave dings and I hear him shuffle around. “She’ll come around, Bill. You can’t push her. Let her come to you.”
I push off the wall and head to the bathroom. Evidently the paternity test came back a match. I have a match. A parent. What I’ve always wanted. But, now…shit, I can’t think about that right now.
There are bigger problems to deal with, one being the picture burning a hole in my pocket. Someone will die because of it. I just hope I have the guts to do it when the time comes. I will. I have to. No matter what kind of memories it conjures.
Chapter Eighteen
Raffe
◆◆◆
Bill’s jaw clenches as he watches the video Dirk is showing him. The one that will prove to Bill that his little girl is still there, she’s just buried under her anger towards him. Question is will Dirk show him the other video.
I told him I thought it would be a bad idea. That car was filled with her demons. Demons she alone will have to slay. I’m speaking from experience.
When I was thirteen I ran away from home. It wasn’t a bad home but, I was stupid. I thought something better was waiting for me. Their rules stifled me, or so I thought. Looking back, I see that my parents loved me. Their rules were there to protect me.
A friend of mine said she met a man who was going to help her break into the modeling world. So, one day her and I packed our bags and hitchhiked our way to the big city. When we got to the apartment on the business card the man had given her it all seemed legit. We were both so excited. She was truly a natural beauty.
Anyhow, I don’t need to go into details. Just know it was the last time I saw my fri
end. We were tossed into an underground world. Trafficked. It’s not what you think. Not really what you even see on the news. I was trapped, even though I walked free. Until I met Dirk. He saved me. He will save her too.
Bill sets the phone down and walks away. Dirk shuts the video off and pockets his phone. “We need to talk,” he says, drilling me with cloudy eyes.
“You want her?” I bite my lip, clamping down on everything else I want to say.
Dirk’s tongue runs over the ring in his lip and he nods. I tamp down my jealousy. Dirk isn’t into guys, much to my disappointment.
“You want her too?” he questions.
“I do.”
He sits back in his chair. “We’ve got to get her out of the hell we saw back in that railcar before either of us have a shot.”
“I’ll let you lead,” I lean forward lowering my voice, “you have got to go easy though, man. You are one intense mother fucker.”
He chuckles. “You love my intensity.”
I narrow my eyes at him. He pisses me off sometimes. He flirts but that’s it. It never goes beyond that. “Anyhow, we play bad cop, good cop?”
“That could work. You nurture her light while I stomp on her monsters.” He tips his head side to side as if weighting his thoughts.
“Think it will work?” I drum my fingers on the table nervously. I’m worried for her. Dirk will scare the monsters out of her for sure. He did mine. She has one thing I didn’t though. Me. I’ll be there to tend to the open wounds he leaves behind.
“It has to. She’s wound so tight right now, if she springs, she’s going to explode.”
“God, this sucks. This sucks!” I bang my hand on the table making all the empty beer bottles bounce. “I of all people should have seen it. Should have seen how lonely she was. How hurt…”
Dirk stands up, coming over to stand by me. He grips the back of my hair and pulls my head back so that I have to squint into the morning sun. “What the fuck did I tell you about blaming yourself for shit that is not yours?”