Parenthood was a non-stop learning curve. What worked with one child was the completely wrong thing to do with another. It was a minefield and after the session this morning I felt drained and unsure of myself. What other bad decisions had I made? What other damage had I unwittingly caused?
‘Mum,’ Sarah said, interrupting my thoughts, ‘don’t beat yourself up. With the psychologists and the nutritionists and the special treatment, Ali will be fine. She’s too smart to die. Besides, I don’t fancy being an only child. Way too much focus.’
I reached out and squeezed her hand. ‘Mary, the psychologist, said she’d like to have a couple of family sessions with Ali. Are you all right with that?’
‘Are you kidding me? Come on, Mum, talking about myself is my idea of heaven. When can we start?’
Paul went over and put his arm around her. ‘Sarah Mullen, you’re a breath of fresh air. Don’t ever change.’
‘Steady on, you two, all this affection is freaking me out.’
Paul kissed the top of her head. ‘I have to pop into the pub. I’ll see you later.’
As he walked out, Charlie walked in. ‘How did it go?’ he asked, sitting down on the couch with me and Sarah.
‘Ali’s not eating because four zillion years ago Dad got shot.’
‘You know about that?’ Charlie was shocked.
‘Apparently Ali saw it happen,’ I explained.
‘Oh, no, poor Ali.’
‘Yeah, well, she woke me up so that I’d be traumatized too.’
‘Are you?’ Charlie asked Sarah.
‘No.’
‘I thought they believed all the stuff about Paul’s appendix,’ he said to me.
‘So did I, but they’ve known all along.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ Charlie asked Sarah.
‘Because you all kept going on about how it was just an operation and it was pretty obvious that you didn’t want us to know what had really happened, so we just played along. To be honest, I kind of believed it after a few weeks. I almost forgot he was shot. It’s one of the advantages of being shallow. Ali, on the other hand, has obviously been dragging it around for all these years.’
‘Did the shrink find all this out?’ Charlie wondered.
‘It came up in the session today.’
‘Is that why she’s not eating?’
‘It’s the trigger, but there are lots of other reasons too. David, her sensitivity to others, her need to please, her perfectionism … Seemingly these are all reasons why she has developed anorexia. But the psychologist said that the most important thing to remember is that it’s not about the food, it’s about control.’
‘What’s she trying to control?’
‘Her emotions, I think. I’m still learning,’ I admitted. ‘To be honest, Charlie, I’m reeling from it all.’
‘She’s always been a control freak,’ Sarah piped up.
‘No, she hasn’t,’ I defended Ali.
‘I cannot believe you’re saying that. You obviously never shared a room with her like I did for five years. She’s a neat freak. She made me colour-code my clothes and I wasn’t allowed to have anything on the floor. Not even my shoes – they had to be put away in the wardrobe every night. She drove me insane. I’d come in from playing outside and find my dolls’ clothes had been washed and ironed, their hair washed and dried and their shoes polished! She used to line up my pencils on my desk at exactly the same angle and hoover every day – even under the bed. The best day of my life was when I got my own room.’
I’d forgotten how annoyed Ali used to get with Sarah’s messiness. I never thought it was a big deal but Sarah was very untidy. Was it another symptom of her need to control things? It had never seemed extreme. ‘She just likes order in her life. I don’t think that’s a negative.’
‘Of course you don’t because you’re a total control freak too,’ Sarah said.
‘No, I’m not. I think I’m pretty laid-back.’
Sarah and Charlie laughed loudly at this statement.
‘I have my father and his pregnant girlfriend living with me, a husband who is married to his job and two demanding teenage daughters. I think I’m very bloody laid-back actually.’
‘Oh, yeah, you’re practically horizontal.’ Sarah giggled.
‘Ava, you have many fantastic qualities, but you could never be described as easy-going.’
‘I object strongly to that. I’m very relaxed about a lot of things. There is constant chaos in this house and I hardly ever complain.’
‘You’re always giving out about the mess,’ Sarah said.
‘Just because I don’t like to have stuff lying around everywhere doesn’t mean I’m obsessive.’
‘You go mental if I leave wet towels on the bathroom floor.’
‘It’s disgusting.’
‘You can’t go to sleep unless the kitchen is completely tidy,’ she added.
‘I like to wake up to a clean house.’
‘We never had animals because you didn’t want animal hair on your couches.’
‘Who does?’
‘Loads of people.’
Charlie stepped in. ‘Ava, love, no one is saying that there’s anything wrong with liking things a certain way, but if you’re wondering where Ali got her orderliness from, you don’t need to look any further.’
‘You’re both being totally unfair. I’m very easy-going compared to most people. Now, Sarah, go and make your mad mother a cup of tea.’
Charlie stood up. ‘I’ll give you a hand.’
‘Regular or herbal?’ Sarah asked me.
‘Herbal, please. Can you make me a green tea, but not the organic green tea, the one with jasmine? And can you make it the big spotty cup? And can you bring me a few biscuits as well – not the chocolate ones, the plain ones, thanks.’
‘Yes, sir.’ She grinned.
‘That is not being controlling. It’s called being precise,’ I shouted after them, as their laughter filled the room.
35
Sally decided it was time to bring Simon out of the witness-protection programme and introduce him to Paul and me. She told me she didn’t want to go for dinner because she thought it would be too formal, but that Simon had been very interested when he heard Paul was into surfing and said he’d love to try it.
Paul was lending Simon all the surf gear he needed, so on the morning of the double date, he laid it out on the hall floor and started sorting through it.
Sarah came downstairs. ‘What are you doing?’
‘He’s getting a wetsuit and all the other stuff for Simon,’ I told her.
‘Has he ever surfed before?’
‘No.’
‘He does realize it’s January?’
‘He’s a successful lawyer so I presume he can figure out what month it is,’ I retorted.
The doorbell rang. ‘It’s them!’ I froze. Paul and Sarah laughed at me.
‘Maybe you should open the door and let them in,’ Paul suggested.
‘OK. Now, remember, act casual, like it’s no big deal that Sally has a boyfriend,’ I reminded them.
I opened the door and Sarah screeched, ‘Oh, my God, Sally, what is that? Your boyfriend? I’ve never seen one before.’
Sally turned to Simon. ‘That’s Sarah, the one they’re sending off to boarding school next year.’
‘Ha ha.’ Sarah walked over and proffered a hand. ‘Nice to meet you, Simon. I’m Sarah, the sane sister.’
‘I’ve heard all about you.’ He winked at her.
‘Just ignore her. I’m Ava, great to meet you. Come on in – try not to trip over the mess.’
‘Hi, Simon, I’m Paul.’ The two men shook hands.
‘Nice to meet you both,’ said Simon. Then, seeing the state of the hall, he added, ‘Thanks for sorting me out with all the equipment. I’m really looking forward to this.’
‘You must be mad,’ Sarah said.
‘I’ve always wanted to try it – it looks like fun.’
‘Yeah, but you do realize you’re going to die out there? It’s, like, freezing.’
‘I did point that out, but he’s mad keen,’ Sally said.
‘Well, I think it’s great. It shows a very adventurous spirit.’ I smiled at Simon.
‘No, Mum, it shows he’s insane.’
‘Maybe Maura rubbed off on him.’ Sally grinned at Simon, who laughed good-naturedly.
‘Oh, is Maura your mad wife? Mum told me she’s a total nutter.’
I tried to suppress the urge to put a surfboard in Sarah’s mouth.
‘She definitely has a screw loose,’ Simon admitted, ‘but, thankfully, we’re separated and Sally seems very sane.’
‘That’s what you think.’ Sarah snorted.
‘Less of your cheek, thank you.’ Sally wagged a finger at her. ‘How’s the play going?’
‘Very well, thanks. I reckon I’ll be the hottest Juliet ever.’
‘And how’s Bobby?’
‘Still cool.’
‘Good for you.’
‘OK.’ Paul stood up. ‘Before I start packing the car, Sally and Ava, are you sure you don’t want to come surfing with us?’
‘I’ve tried it and hated it,’ I reminded him. To Simon, I explained, ‘I spent the entire time falling under waves and being hit by the board. I was black and blue when we got home. I need to warn you that it can be pretty tough out there.’
Simon smiled. ‘Thanks, Ava. I may not get up today, but I’m keen to give it a go. Even if it’s just to tell the boys in the office that I did it.’
‘Well, you can count me out. There’s no way I’m getting into ice-cold water in a rubber suit to try to stand on a tray. Not even for you, babe.’ Sally kissed Simon, who hadn’t let go of her hand since they arrived.
‘Wow, you guys really are in love,’ Sarah said. ‘Way to go, Sally.’
They were utterly besotted with each other. He couldn’t take his eyes off her and she just glowed with happiness. It was lovely.
‘Simon, it’s going to be bloody cold out there, so I’m giving you a rash vest to put on underneath the wetsuit. It’ll give you an extra layer of insulation. I’ve got boots and gloves and a hood for you too,’ Paul said, showing Simon the gear. ‘And I’m going to lend you my long board.’ He produced a surfboard that was at least nine foot tall. ‘It’s better for beginners. I use it mostly for summer surf.’
‘That all looks great.’
‘It’s good to have a partner in crime. Right then, let’s hit the road.’
‘Enjoy yourselves, you crazy people. I’m going to stay here in my warm house and watch movies.’
‘See you later. Be good.’ I kissed Sarah and climbed into the car.
Paul tied the surfboards to the roof and threw the rest of the gear into the boot. Sally and Simon climbed into the back. Even though I’d told Sally it would be freezing on the beach so she should wear really warm clothes and a windcheater, she had dressed up for the occasion. She was wearing black skinny jeans with high wedge-heeled boots, a black polo-neck and a fur-trimmed suede jacket. I was wearing an old pair of jeans, a long-sleeved thermal T-shirt, a polo-neck, a jumper, a fleece, a big wool-lined windcheater and wellingtons.
Every time I looked in the mirror, Simon and Sally were whispering to each other or kissing. They couldn’t get enough of each other. Sally was like a young girl in love. I envied them. They seemed so carefree while I felt crushed under the weight of everything that was going on. When I glanced at Paul, the lines on his face seemed deeper. You could tell he was feeling the strain too. I longed for the days when we’d had no worries or responsibilities.
Sally and Simon giggled about something in the back and he kissed her neck. I remembered when Paul and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I remembered when he used to look at me the way Simon looked at Sally – as if she was the most incredible person on the planet, pure adoration. We needed to get our mojo back. We were still young, but I felt old.
When we got to Magheramore Beach, Paul pulled up on the side of the road. ‘Sorry, guys, I have to park here. They’ve put a gate up to stop cars driving down. It’s only a five-minute walk to the beach and it’s good for surfing.’
While Paul and Simon sat on the edge of the boot changing into their rash vests, wetsuits, boots, hoods and gloves, Sally and I sat in the back. Sally was shivering. It was sunny but bitterly cold.
‘Look at Simon’s body – isn’t he hot?’ Sally asked, admiring him.
‘I don’t want your boyfriend to catch me checking him out,’ I whispered.
‘Go on, he’s not looking.’
I glanced over the top of the back seat to see Simon’s stark naked back – and bum – and then he turned around. Shit! I jumped back down, cringing. ‘Well, he thinks I’m a pervert now.’
‘Did he see you?’ She giggled.
‘Yes, he bloody did. I’m so embarrassed.’
‘Don’t worry – he was married to a nutter so he thinks all women are mad. Did you see his bod?’
‘I got a good look, more than I ever hoped to see, and, yes, he is in good shape,’ I lied. Simon wasn’t particularly fit. He was pale and round.
‘I’m telling you, Ava, the sex is fantastic.’ Sally sighed with satisfaction.
I sighed over the distant memory of amazing sex with Paul. My advice from Madame Sophie had gone out of the window with everything that was going on at home. Paul and I hadn’t had sex in ages. He hadn’t even looked interested. We were both too shattered. Sleep was a welcome relief, these days.
Sally got out to help Simon with his wetsuit. They kissed and hugged when she fitted the hood over his head. Paul pulled his on expertly, then took the boards down from the roof. He strode off down the lane as we trundled after him, Simon holding Sally’s hand, me trailing behind, envying them their closeness, both physical and emotional.
‘Argh!’ Sally shouted, as she stumbled into an enormous pot-hole. Her foot was stuck in knee-deep water. Simon pulled her out.
‘Bollox! I love these boots.’ Her right foot was covered with muddy water.
‘I told you to wear wellies,’ I reminded her.
‘Yeah, well, I wanted to look nice.’
‘You’d look good in anything,’ Simon assured her. They kissed, again, and Sally cheered up. She hobbled forward, her boot squelching along the path.
The beach, when we got there, was stunning. It was a small bay with cliffs on either side and you had to walk down steep steps to get to the sand.
There were two other surfers. Paul knew them so he went over to say hi, while Sally and I laid out the rug. I sat down while she hovered beside a shivering Simon.
‘Simon, Sally tells me you’re a lawyer. What do you specialize in?’ I asked.
‘Would you believe family law?’ He grinned.
‘You must see some sad cases.’
‘I do, actually. It’s always tough when there are kids involved. Thank God Maura and I didn’t have any. It just makes everything so much more complicated.’
‘And they’d have had her genes,’ Sally added.
‘Which would not be a good thing. Yours, on the other hand, are a different matter. Our kids will be great.’ Simon kissed her.
Paul came back. ‘Sorry about that. They’re two guys I meet down here all the time. The smaller one is a professional surfer. They said the surf’s really good today, up to eight feet.’
Simon didn’t seem too thrilled by that.
‘Simon, I just want to give you a few tips before we head into the water,’ he continued. ‘It’s all about paddling and balance. You need to watch the board – it can, as Ava said, hit you and knock you over. When you’re paddling out, if the nose of the board starts to dip forward into the water – it’s called pearling – you just need to move back on it to readjust your weight. If you put too much weight on the back of the board – this is called corking – you need to shuffle forward until it’s lying naturally in the water. When you’re paddling out, do it li
ke the front crawl, one arm at a time.’
‘Right, excellent. How do I stand up on it?’
Paul laughed. ‘It’s very difficult to get up on your first go, but the best way to do it is like this.’ He lay down on his board to demonstrate. ‘Lie on your chest, head up, looking forward. Put your hands on the board beside your shoulders, palms down, like you were going to do a push-up. Push your upper body up while pulling your feet under you, laying them on the line down the middle of the board so your weight is centred.’
Simon copied him. Sally clapped. ‘You’re a natural.’
‘Thanks.’ He kissed her again.
‘Sally, can you peel yourself off him for a minute?’ Paul asked.
‘I’m trying to be encouraging.’
‘Just don’t smother him before he’s got into the water. Now, when you come up on the board, remember to keep low. If you stand up straight you’ll fall. You have to crouch down like a sumo wrestler and grip the board with your feet. And always remember to look up. If you look at your feet, you’ll fall down.’
‘It’s really hard so don’t worry if you can’t get up. I was hopeless.’ I wanted to reassure Simon. He didn’t look very sporty and the chances of him getting up were very slim. I also wanted to make polite conversation with him so he didn’t think I was some kind of peeping Tom.
‘Thanks, Ava. I’m a pretty good skier so I’m hoping to get the hang of it quickly.’
I didn’t mention that I was a very good snowboarder and it had made shag-all difference to my surfing skills.
‘Let’s go for it,’ he said, taking his glasses off and handing them to Sally.
The two men jogged down to the water’s edge. Well, Paul jogged, Simon kind of panted along beside him, trying to balance the board under his arm. When they got to the edge, Paul said, ‘I’m going to head out to catch the waves breaking. Why don’t you stay here in the white water near the shore? Just be aware of the currents. They’re pretty strong and tend to drag you to the left towards the rocks.’
‘Go on, Simon, I know you’ll be great,’ Sally shouted.
‘Let’s do it,’ Paul said, and ran straight into the icy sea.
Simon followed. After he’d gone three steps, we heard, ‘FUCK! It’s freezing.’
Pieces of My Heart Page 25