by S. Ann Cole
I pushed to my feet, making to flee from this asshole before he pissed me off any further, but he seized my wrist and pushed up, too.
A deep crease formed between his brows. “What the hell do you mean ‘he chose Jess’? Are you saying they were hooking up?”
“I’m thinking you should get your shit together and try working things out with Xena. That way you’ll never be behind on details like this.”
A dark cloud passed over his face for a fleeting second, but he stuck to the subject. “Look, if they used to hook up in the past, whatever, but for the present, this is a fact: Xavi and Jess are not together. Sure, since you left he’s been spreading himself thin. Real thin. Sometimes two chicks in one day, but trust me, not one of those women have been Jess. And I should know, ‘cause my room’s right across from his. I see every piece of ass that goes through that door.”
A million arrows ripped messily through my heart at his words. Not that Jessica and Xavier weren’t together. No, I could’ve handled that. Could’ve handled that he settled with Jessica and having hot orgies with her and friends from time to time. But the knowledge of him voluntarily whoring around with “sometimes two chicks in one day” hurt. No, I couldn’t handle that.
“You’re wrong,” I told him. “Jess told me they were—”
“Jess lied.” His voice was weighed down with impatience. “Listen, I don’t care about this love triangle drama. All I know is that Xavi is drinking because of you. The longest he’s ever been sober is when he was with you. Last night after we fought him into submission, he was damn near close to tears babbling about you. So if there’s anyone who can pull him out of this right now, it’s you.
“All he does these days is drink and sleep around. I got a tip-off this morning that Benny’s out shopping for a guitarist to replace him. That’s why I’m here talking to you right now. We start touring again soon, and if he doesn’t pull it together, he’s gonna get voted out this time around. His rep has hurt the band enough.”
Tex’s grip had tightened with each word as he spoke, as though he wanted me to get it, as though he was certain no one else could help Xavier but me.
It took every ounce of strength in me not to break down right there. This was awful. Bad. Really bad.
Still, I managed to wriggle my wrist out of Tex’s grip. “I’m sorry. All that sounds really…bad, but I can’t help your bandmate. He’s a grown man. He independently made his decisions. Whatever the consequences of those decisions, he’ll have to live with them.”
Just like I have to live with mine.
I moved past him, but I wasn’t far off when his words stopped me. “You didn’t tell her.”
I paused. Turned to face him. Gave him a tight smile. “You’re right, I didn’t. I figured it was only a matter of time before she realized you are garbage. Nothing but a repulsive scum of the earth.
Wagging his head, he took two steps toward me. “No. You didn’t tell her because you’re not as big a frigid bitch as you pretend to be. You give chances and you care even when you hate. I know. I’ve studied you.”
“You don’t know me,” I bit.
He continued as though I hadn’t spoken, “When you looked at me that night, it wasn’t judgment I saw, it was disappointment. Because you believed I could be better. Could have better if I just got out of my own damn way.
“I haven’t been with anyone since that night. Because as much as I hate you, I keep remembering that look on your face, and that look makes me want to be better. Not for you, but for her. I’m nothing. I’m shit. Scum. But she loves me—though only God knows why. She deserves better. So much better.
“But see, I want to be the ‘better’ that she deserves. Because the thought of her being with someone else drives me insane. So I’m making the effort to change. For her. And that change in me started with a simple ‘look’ from you. Someone I loathe.”
He closed the space between us so that we were inches apart, staring down his nose at me. “So don’t you dare look at me and tell me you can’t help him.”
With one last daring glare, he shouldered past me and strode right out of the building.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
IT WAS JACOB’S BIG 2-0.
His father and I had spent the last four days organizing a little celebration for him. Nothing elaborate. Just a couple of friends from our circle, out in Davian’s impressively landscaped backyard.
All the members of Ice Steam were there, along with a few of Davian’s other non-famous friends. We added Xena to the email invites, but she never replied so I wasn’t counting on her showing up. She was still upset with me for dancing with Dustin Latimore that night at the club, even though I was long since over the bill she’d racked up. One would think that would make us even, right? Not with Xena. She could sulk for a lifetime.
Ninety Miles weren’t able to make it—thank heavens—as they had a live unplugged show that same evening.
So the birthday celebration went smoothly with zero drama, which was what we were aiming for when we decided to go small. Lots of eating, drinking, and ribald jesting.
Me? I wasn’t feeling so well, so I curled up on a lawn chair, soaking up some sun and taking in the action.
The truth was, I hadn’t been “feeling so well” for some time now. As in, since Tex’s visit two weeks ago. I’d been doing some serious warring against my love for Xavier, convincing myself that I no longer cared, and those lies I was forcing down my own throat, the pain I was inflicting on my own heart, was beginning to enervate me. Big time.
My phone vibrated in my lap. I glanced at the screen. JK.
“Yes, Daddy?”
“Ah, don’t ever call me that,” he cranked out. “Where’s the big man?”
Laughing, I swept my sunglasses to the top of my head. “Currently being fawned over by rock stars.”
“Wanna wish him a happy birthday.”
Of course, he does. “How many times a week do you call Davi to check up on Jacob?”
“Every day. Why?”
“And where’s Kia?”
“Sleepin’. Why?”
“JK, don’t tell her I told you this,” I began, betraying Saskia’s confidence, “but do you know Kia was worried shitless that you’d break when Jacob left?”
“Break? Wha—”
“She thinks you’re using Jacob as a patch for…you know. She’s been really stressed out about it. So I think, instead of calling for Jacob seven days a week, you should—”
“Wait, what the hell?” He sounded pissed. Uh-oh. “She said all this?”
“Don’t tell her I—”
“Nothing. Nothing gives her security!” he exploded over the line. “Married her crazy ass and it’s still not enough. She’s worried about losin’ me to a goddamn baby? Will never be able to please that woman. Ever.”
“JK—”
“Call you back.”
The line went dead.
Well, that went south fast. Saskia was going to hang me for opening my big mouth, but really, he needed to know what was going on in her head before she drove herself insane.
Setting my phone aside, I knocked my sunglasses back down over my eyes. It was then I saw Xena stroll out into the backyard. With Jessica behind her.
Oh no, she did not.
My gaze instantly shifted in Davian’s direction, but his back was turned, snapping a picture of Jake—the band’s guitarist—and Jacob with his phone, completely unaware of his ex-fiancée crashing our son’s party.
How brazen showing her face here? How vicious of Xena to bring her! After all those defaming lies she told.
Dressed to ninth and glistening like diamonds, they strutted, mingled, blended. Laughing and greeting.
I saw the moment Davian turned and spotted Jessica. His jaw clenched tight and his eyes went glacial.
Xena spotted me at that point, too. Full-on smirking, she directed her steps to where I was bristling from my lawn chair.
Through the haze of my ire, I too
k in her ridiculously sexy outfit—skin-tight red jeans riding low on her hips and an even tighter sleeveless, black turtleneck crop-top, her blonde hair glossy, bouncy, and billowing around her. Xena wasn’t the kind to show so much skin. She was the silk and sheer kind of classy. That super-sexy outfit was something I would wear the shit out of.
Yep, my girl was breaking bad…er.
Her outfit, however, did nothing to cool my fury—maybe it would’ve if I had a starving dick—so I swept my sunglasses to the top of my head once more so she could see my anger.
“Well, wel—”
“You know,” I sliced through, “I had a really nice apology planned for how selfish I’d been at the club that night. I’m not even mad at the bill you left me anymore because I thought, yeah, maybe I deserved it. I even invited you here because I missed you. And this is what you do?”
Her smirk faltered. “You…miss me?”
“I did. I love you, you stupid bitch!” I railed, jackknifing from the lawn chair. “But now, screw you. I want you and that conniving redheaded thief gone.”
Xena’s lips trembled as a goofy grin fought its way to her face. “You…love me?”
“Not anymo—”
I was tackled clean off the chair and landed in a sprawl onto the grass with Xena on top of me. “Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!!” she squealed. “Alina O’Hara just admitted she loves me!”
Spitting her blonde tresses out of my mouth, I tried shoving her off me—though I couldn’t help laughing in the process. “Xena, get off!”
“I’m gettin’ off just watching this,” I heard a male voice drawl from above us. It sounded very much like Jake.
“Okay, okay!” She giggled, pushing up to her knees. “It’s just…Christ is coming on a purple unicorn because, wonder of all wonders, you just admitted to something that contains…” Her eyes widened in exaggeration as she whispered the word, “emotion.”
I rolled my eyes and made to get up but was immediately knocked to the grass again with an “urghm!”
“Eeeek! I have a best friend who, like, loves me and shit!”
Huffing out a breath, I gave up on trying getting up and decided to wait until she got over her excitement. I had no idea she craved having a real friend, who loved her for her and not her connections, so badly that she would freak out like this when she finally got one.
“When you went off with Dustin that night I was so pissed,” she babbled. “Because I thought it was supposed to be our night and you just, as usual, made it all about you. That’s why I jacked up the bill. I thought you’d get mad, and then we’d fight about it and make up.
“But you did nothing. Said nothing. That pissed me off even more. I whined to the boys that you’re an emotionless bitch. A giant, unbreakable iceberg with no feelings whatsoever—unless Davi’s included. This party invite was just another chance to piss you off some more. And Jess was all too happy to oblige.”
Tired of waiting for her babbling to end, I summoned the strength and shoved her off me. She rolled onto her back beside me, laughing.
Lying supine side by side in the grass, we stared up at the clear blue sky. “I am mad at you, Xena. But not for any of those stupid things.”
From my peripheral vision, I saw her head turn to me. “For what, then?”
Eyes still on the sky, I replied in a quiet voice, “You let me believe a lie. You knew they weren’t together and you never corrected me. Not once.”
She was silent. For a long time. Again, my peripheral vision showed her turning her face back to the sky.
“You were happy.” Her voice was quiet, still. “You moved on like he was nothing. And he was so frickin’ miserable. On a downward spiral. He’s my brother and I love him so I chose his side. I chose to let you believe that he and Jess were back together and happy like you and Davi are.
“It didn’t take long for me to see what a horrible mistake that was. With each new update in the news about you and Davi’s rekindling, he got worse. He doesn’t talk to anyone unless absolutely necessary. Not even Jess. He has shut her out completely.
“He parks outside your apartment building for hours sometimes, just drinking and staring up at the building, until he falls unconscious and the boys have to pick him up. Not even Benny and his many threats can convince him to check into rehab. No one knows what to do this time around, Ally. He’s just…spiraling.”
A rivulet of a tear etched down the side of my face and trailed right into my ear. “Xena?”
“Yeah?”
“Davi and I never got back together.”
In a flash, Xena jerked up and twisted to look down at me, her long blonde hair whipping with the movement. “What?”
“Every update you see claiming we’re together is all Davi’s scheming. He wants people to think we were together, but we aren’t. You saw what he did with the house-shopping. If you’d just asked me…”
Xena’s face was incredulous. Twisting fully around to me, she picked my hand and squeezed. “Do you know what this means? Ally, you have to tell him. You have to go back to him. You can fix him. If you just tell him the truth—”
“I can’t, Xena.” I pulled my hand from her.
“Why not?”
“You know how I just told you I love you?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, that’s because I’m getting ‘fixed’. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past couple of months. I’m far from better. I can’t help Xavi if I’m still a selfish, me-first headcase’. I’ll only end up hurting him again. I left him over a stupid phone call. And because he didn’t chase me like I thought he should have—even though he’s chased me a million times before—I assumed he chose Jess over me, which resulted in him self-destructing. I can’t keep doing this to him.”
“Ally.” Xena picked up my hand again and squeezed, forcing me to look at her. “He was better off with you even with you being a ‘selfish, me-first head case, and let me remind you, I’m the one who was giving you shit because I thought you needed to care more. I should’ve butted out. Because I don’t think he wants you to change. If he wanted someone ‘fixed’ and predictable, he would have chosen Jess, but you kept him on his toes. You make him tear his hair out—I’ve witnessed it. Why on earth would you want to change that?”
“I just…” I sighed and swallowed. “People always make me feel like I’m a bad person when I don’t…do things the way a normal person would. People, including you, make me feel like I’m broken, like something’s wrong with me. A bad mother. A bad girlfriend. A bad friend. I kept screwing everything up so I thought maybe I needed help.”
“And what do you think now that you’re getting therapy?”
I scratched behind my ear. “Well, my therapist has been trying to convince me I’m not a bad person. She thinks I just need to start being more mindful of people’s feelings. That I need to start expressing how I feel more often because sometimes people just want to hear the words. I’m just different, she said, not wrong. I’m the kind of person who will love your shoes, but don’t compliment you on them. Not because I don’t compliment them doesn’t mean I hate them.”
She smiled. “True, I’m one of those people who want to hear the words. You have no idea what it means to me to hear out loud that you value me, but even if you never said those words to me, I would never, ever tell you you’re a bad person. You’re just different, as your therapist says. Sometimes when people come across ‘different’ they usually don’t know what to make of it.
“But, Ally, those who genuinely want to know you will first put in the effort to understand you. Once they understand you they’ll fall in love with you like I have. Because I think you’re pretty awesome. So does Danni. So does Jess—she told me so. So does all of Ninety Miles and Ice Steam. They all respect you because you are different. Because you aren’t ordinary. Because you aren’t ‘fixed’. So you don’t need to change. You’re good the way you are. I’m sorry for ever pressuring you. It’s my fault for trying to know you
first before trying to understand you.”
“Are you girls gonna make out or what? Kiss! Squeeze a tit! Kiss! Rub clits!”
At the sound of the same male voice that commented earlier, I sat up in the grass, using the heel of my hands to clear my stupid tears.
I was right. The voice belonged to Jake. He was looming above us, beer in hand with a salacious grin on his face.
“Jake, this is a two-year-old’s birthday party. Go sport your boner somewhere else.”
His face fell. “Wait, so you’re not gonna make out and get naked and roll around in the oil and stuff?”
Oh, Christ. I shot him a glare and he threw a hand up in disappointment. “Man, this blows. Might as well go watch Ninety Miles Unplugged.”
Sweeping my gaze around the yard, I noticed Jessica was missing, as well as Davian.
Most of the crowd had wandered over to the bar and grill area that had a massive 80-inch flat screen mounted. All swigging beers with eyes glued to the television screen, heads bobbing. Going by the unmistakable gravelly voice and stellar notes of a certain lead singer—loathed lead singer—I could tell they were watching Ninety Miles Unplugged.
“I’m gonna watch it, too,” Xena said, nudging me. “C’mon. Xavi actually stayed sober for this one because the whole world will be watching.”
Nope. Nope. Not watching. “Go ahead and I’ll catch up. I’ve just got to clean up my mascara.”
We stood and dusted the grass off our clothes. Xena headed for the bar and I headed for the house.
I didn’t know how to break it to her that I had no intention of going back to Xavier. As much as I loved him, I think my life in L.A. was too much of a mess and I needed a clean slate.
Maybe that’s what Chad was trying to tell me when he paid me a visit, but I’d been too stubborn to listen.
Over the last few weeks, I’d been contemplating moving back to San Francisco and re-enrolling in college. Starting fresh. Dating someone who wasn’t famous and wasn’t seven or eight years older than me. Act my age for once. Leave all the drama behind and be with my family. I hadn’t discussed this plan with Davian as yet, but I knew he wouldn’t have a problem with it.