I knew that the next time, it would bury me too.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Julie
I was just heading out to have dinner with my parents when I saw the package in the mailbox. I’d swung by my place to grab some more of my art supplies and a few other things to take them to Ricky’s later, otherwise I wouldn’t have seen it. I was living at Ricky’s almost full time now, but he’d never actually asked me to officially move in, so I felt that having my mail forwarded would have been a bit presumptuous.
My parents had agreed to come into the city to have dinner with me at Rivermel, one of my father’s favorite steak restaurants in town. I was hoping he’d had time to calm down about the situation with Ricky and that maybe my mother had been able to talk some sense into him and he might have had a change of heart. Fat chance, I knew, but I liked to be optimistic about things. It put me in a better mood anyway.
I noticed the package immediately. It was from the Art Institute. I felt the tingling butterflies in my belly. I’d applied several weeks ago, but I never in a million years thought they would let me know that quickly. I stared at the package for several seconds. It looked fat, like a thick folder full of things. I sat down at the kitchen table and opened it. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I began to read the first few sentences of the letter that was on top.
I was in. They’d accepted me. They loved my submission and they were happy to accept me into their program. I couldn’t believe it. It had taken me a long time, but finally someone else saw real worth in the work that I did. I was flabbergasted with joy. I could hardly wait to tell someone.
I wanted to tell Ricky, but I was going to wait until the right moment with him. I wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted me to go to art school. It would mean moving to New York to attend. That would put a bit of a strain on our relationship. But this was important to me and I knew our love was strong enough to make it work. I just hoped that he felt the same way about things. I didn’t tell him that I was officially going to apply. The odds were slim that I would be accepted anyway. There was no reason to cause him any anxiety or worry about it, if indeed he was going to be upset by this news. Maybe I should have told him anyway? I hated keeping things from him and I felt that I had made a terrible mistake by not telling him. I’d have to just talk to him and see how he felt.
I headed out the door to meet my parents. They were already at the table enjoying a few drinks when I got there. I couldn’t expect my father to have manners now could I?
I got settled in and we commenced with a few basic pleasantries. The tension between my father and I was still there, but I could tell he was trying to be civil. “So, what looks good on the menu, dad?” I asked him jovially. When my father was hungry (which was almost always) and you could get him distracted by thoughts of food, you had a shot at a pleasant conversation.
“Ribeye sounds good,” he said. “A big baked potato loaded with butter and sour cream. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
“That’s the ticket to a heart attack,” I teased him.
“Ah, I’m fine. I’ve been eating the same type of diet for all my life and I’m fit as a fiddle.”
“How have you been, dear?” my mother asked me.
“Fine.” I took a deep breath. “I’ve just been accepted to art school in New York.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful!” she said.
“That’s terrific,” my father chimed in. He seemed genuinely happy for me. “When do you start?”
“Next month actually. I couldn’t believe they accepted me this late for their summer semester.”
“Wow, you didn’t want to wait until fall?”
“No, I figured I’d have a better chance getting started in the summer. Nobody wants to go to school in the summer. I guess that thinking paid off. They want bodies in those seats I guess.”
“Right,” my father said. “What about Ricky? How does he feel about you moving away? Are you guys going to call it quits?”
“No, we aren’t calling it quits, dad. I just found out as I was leaving the apartment. The mail just came and there it was. I’ll tell him soon.”
“You think a long distance thing will work? I hate to burst your bubble, but you are kidding yourself.”
I was starting to see why my father might have appeared so happy to hear I was going away to school. Well, he was going to be disappointed. We would make it work, Ricky and I. Of that I had no doubt in my mind at all.
“We will be just fine,” I said. “I appreciate your concern.”
“I’m not concerned. If you can make a go of it, then great,” Dad said. “But you know the odds are stacked against you when it comes to a long distance relationship lasting at all. That’s it.”
“I know what you are saying. I’m aware of all that. But what Ricky and I have is different. It is very special.”
My father didn’t say anything right then, but I could tell he was rolling his eyes. I wondered if that meant he really thought he was right, so he didn’t have to argue the point or convince me of it. He figured I would see soon enough.
And this was the most unsettling thing at all. What if my father was right about this? What if this did mean the end for Ricky and me?
No, it’s fine. You will make it work. Ricky believes in you and your dreams. You’ve worked too hard and long to get this opportunity, and you are not about to let anything ruin it.
I made it through the rest of dinner with my folks without any major disruptions or arguments. I hoped that eventually my father would come around to accept the idea of Ricky and I together as a couple, but it was most likely not going to happen. At least not for a while, until he could no longer see any reason why we might end things or not work out. I knew that was his reasoning. He hoped it was just a passing thing and that we would eventually split up for one reason or another.
After I left the dinner, I went to Ricky’s place where he and Zoe were relaxing with a board game. They were both happy to see me. “Want to play?” Zoe asked me.
I saw they were playing a board game version of Uno, which was one of my favorite games to play when I was a kid. I grabbed a drink and sat down to play with them. Ricky loved to see me and Zoe playing, and it was fun to see her sweet little face light up the way she did when I was with her. We’d bonded so well. She was wonderful.
“Wow, you are so good at this game!” I exclaimed as Zoe won the next round.
“I can’t be beaten!” Zoe cheered.
I laughed. “Well, I’ll just have to see about that.”
Zoe set up the next hand and we played through with her winning once again. She gloated and jumped around feeling superior and awesome. I had to laugh at her sweet ways. She was such a bundle of energy.
As we played and had a great time together, I found myself thinking that this was not the best time to bring up the subject of art school. We were all going to the park the next day, so maybe I would bring it up then. I was tired and after a pleasant, but still exhausting, dinner with my father, I just wanted to relax with a good glass of wine and then hit the sack.
After we put Zoe to bed, Ricky and I cuddled on the couch for a bit. I half expected him to initiate things that would lead us to the bedroom, but we were both interested in just relaxing with a good movie.
“So, how did it go?” Ricky asked, referring to my dinner with my parents.
“Oh, it was ok. Surprisingly, pleasant.”
“Yeah, I knew that cantankerous old guy would come around,” Ricky said.
“I’m not so sure he has, but I guess we have to continue to give it time. Maybe next time you can join us,” I teased.
Ricky laughed and shook his head. “No. That isn’t going to happen for a while. I think it’s best if we just let that chill for now. Your dad is going to need some more time to process things.”
I agreed. “Yeah, I think that’s for the best.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ricky
I threw the Frisbee to Zoe and
watched her run to make a leaping catch for it. She stopped to do her little dance as if she’d just won the Super Bowl or something. That kid was a laugh riot.
“Great job Zoe!” I yelled. “Throw it back.”
Zoe threw the Frisbee right back toward me showcasing her good arm and athletic coordination. The kid was a natural. I wondered if she would end up joining a Frisbee golf team one day. I heard that sport was really taking off.
I caught the Frisbee and quickly heaved it back towards her. She almost missed it this time, but I saw the reason why. A few kids from the neighborhood that she knew wanted her to come and play on the swings with them. She looked over at me as if to ask permission. I nodded. “Go ahead!”
She smiled and threw the Frisbee back to me before running off to join her little friends. I was glad she’d finally made some good friends. For the longest time she was such a loner and just wanted to hang out by herself. My poor daughter had grieved so hard for so long. I missed that light inside of her which had finally started to shine once again. A big part of that was Julie. I knew this without a doubt in my mind. She had touched that sweetness inside my little angel again and helped her to feel happy. Julie had done that for both of us. I didn’t think that she would ever have any idea how much beauty she had injected into our lives. I loved her so much.
I placed my arm around her waist and held her to me as I kissed her on the lips quickly. “I love you. Do you know that?”
Julie beamed with glee. “I had a feeling, but I wasn’t totally sure.”
“Well, now you should know.”
“Ok,” Julie laughed.
The park was not too busy for a Sunday. I was happy to see that. It was just busy enough to be interesting, but not crowded. We all decided to have some leisurely fun in the park that Sunday afternoon and get out in the fresh air a bit.
I felt happy, truly happy. I had everything that I could have asked for. But deep down, I still had some fear that it might all just disappear in the blink of an eye. I hadn’t told Julie about the nightmare from the other night. I thought there was a good chance it might freak her out somehow. Maybe one day I would tell her.
“So, I need to tell you something,” Julie said.
“Ok,” I replied. “I’m all ears.”
“I got accepted into the art school. The one in New York.”
The words hung in the air for a few moments, as if they were waiting around to punch me in the face over and over again. My blissful mood quickly turned sour. I felt angry, and a bit betrayed. And I felt fear, real genuine fear in the form of some anxiety creeping up inside of me. But I knew I had to keep my emotions in check and handle this responsibly.
“Really? That’s great, but I thought you weren’t going to apply there.”
“I never said that,” Julie replied. “I thought I would keep all my options open and now here is a really big opportunity that has opened up for me.”
“Yeah, but didn’t you agree that having a degree isn’t really going to do that much for you, at least not with what your long term career plans are.”
“In some ways, that is right. But I also want to have a chance to study and improve my craft. They have some amazing teachers there. Besides, I’ve always wanted to seek higher education. I’ve never had that college experience everyone talks about.”
“That college experience is mostly about partying, sleeping until noon, and waking up in strangers’ beds. That is acceptable college behavior when you are nineteen,” I said. I could hear a bit of anger creeping into my voice. I had to keep my temper under wraps. I’ve always had a bad temper when I get heated about something. It takes a lot to get me going, but if I feel I’ve been lied to, nothing else fires me up like that.
“I have no interest in any of that,” Julie said. “Are you angry that I applied to school? That sounds ridiculous.”
“No. I’m angry that you lied to me about it. I thought we had an understanding and now it feels that you are pulling the rug out from under me. This affects me, too. It affects us. It affects Zoe. What? Do you think she is suddenly going to be ok with you being eight hundred miles away for most of the year?”
Julie sighed. “You are blowing this way out of proportion. I will visit as often as I can. This is important to me. I’m sure Zoe will understand that. I’m not going completely away.”
“I just don’t see how you could not tell me about this. Why did you hide it from me?” I asked. I felt like I was getting out of line and I could hear the anger rising in my voice, but I felt powerless to do anything about it right then.
“I didn’t lie to you. I just did something on a whim. I figured I’d never hear from them. It was just a fluke.”
“You thought I was just going to be ok with you leaving for several months at a time? Do you have any idea how hard long distance relationships are? They almost never work out. And you gave no thought to how this would affect Zoe. That blows my mind.”
Julie shook her head and groaned. “That is entirely not true. Of course I’ve thought this through. Why in the world do you think I haven’t? I am doing something that means a lot to me. It doesn’t change how I feel about you or Zoe. I care so deeply about the both of you. Do you have any idea how hard it is going to be for me to be that far away from you? Any idea at all?”
“Oh, I’m sure it will be tough,” I said with sarcasm in my voice. “This isn’t just about you chasing your dream. This is about you doing whatever you want with your life when there are other people in your life that your decisions affect.”
“You are being entirely unreasonable. I thought you would be supportive of me on this. I thought you would be happy for me and that you would be willing to make a hard sacrifice to offer that support. That is what people who love each other do. They don’t worry about themselves. That is selfish behavior. Now you are standing in the way of me achieving my dreams. Who are you? I thought you cared about me. This isn’t what you do when you care about someone. I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided that I will make my dreams happen and I won’t let anyone stand in my way. Not even you, Ricky. If that’s the way you feel, then this won’t work.”
“Oh, and you aren’t thinking about yourself? This is your dream. And you don’t seem to care how this is going to hurt Zoe. And how it’s going to hurt me. I can’t believe you right now. And you think I’m standing in your way? Wow, that is crazy. I’ve been your biggest cheerleader from the beginning. I urged you to go out there and showcase your talents. I gave you that confidence because I believe in you. And now you throw it in my face and tell me that I am trying to sabotage you. Do you even hear yourself right now?”
I was utterly disgusted. I thought deep inside that I was overreacting, but that was my reaction to her underreacting. Julie thought that I would be alright with her just abandoning us. I had big plans for us. I wanted to propose. I’d already started looking for rings. Zoe was going to have a strong female role model in her life, someone she could lean on and look up to.
“My dream is not getting in the way of your happiness,” Julie said. “And if you depend on me to be happy, then that is on you, Ricky. I love you and I need you in my life, but I don’t depend on someone else for my own inner peace. That is too heavy a burden to place on anybody. That’s not fair to me.”
I tried to see things from her point of view. She had made some good points. She was right. I did depend on her for a lot of my own healing. And that wasn’t right. I loved Julie, but not just because she’d help me heal so much of my inner pain. I loved her because of all she added to my life. The pain I felt, the turmoil I’d racked up in my life—those were things I had to deal with on my own. I couldn’t hold her accountable for helping to fix those wounds by just being with me. That was childish and it was inappropriate. When had I started to do that? I’d never been the type of guy to ever lean on anyone. I wasn’t going to start now.
I promised myself that I would swallow my pain and I would do my best to be supportive of Julie and her dr
eams. It was the right thing to do, even if every bone in my body made it feel tragic.
“Baby,” I said. “I’m sorry. I want to help you in any way I can. Your dreams are important to me. And I know you will do amazing things in school. Zoe and I will be here cheering you on every step of the way. I’m going to miss you like crazy.”
Julie smiled and hugged me. “Thank you. I love you, too. I hate that I have to do this, but I think ideally it will make us stronger because when I finish school, I’ll be a much stronger, happier person. It will help me develop the person that I want to be. And that will be better for us together, as a family.”
Family. That was the first time I believed I had heard Julie use that word to describe the three of us. I knew then that I would definitely marry her one day. For now, I would continue to shop for the perfect ring. And when the time was right, I would propose to this wonderful woman.
Three weeks later, I drove Julie to the airport and Zoe and I watched as she got on the airplane heading to New York. She was not going to need a car on campus. She said she didn’t want the distraction of it, anyway. I could understand that. Or at least I was trying to.
I just wasn’t sure how this was going to end. But I knew that I had no say in the matter. Only time would tell.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Julie
One Month Later…
I finished the painting I’d been working on all week and stepped back to take an exhausted look at it. It had been a crazy few weeks and I’d barely slept. The deadlines that my classes had me under, half the time were insane. Art took time to achieve. It wasn’t something you could crank out like you were a machine. But these idiot professors just didn’t seem to get it. And they would critique your work, something they couldn’t do in ten years, and tell you where you went wrong and berate you that it was a few days late. That was rich.
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