Maybe it’s just me.
I take his hand and squeeze it, Josh looking over to me and smiling. "I'm really happy. Thank you for being so good to me."
He winces but leans over and kisses me. "I do my best. You're worth it."
A few minutes later, out of nowhere, he says something. "I love you. Never forget that."
"You're freaking me out. Tell me what's going on."
"It's nothing."
"Nothing doesn't make you act the way you have been. Talk to me. Your my best friend. I'd do anything for you."
"I'm scared." His announcement shocks me.
"Of what?"
"Losing you. I'm afraid I'm going to lose you and it's depressing."
"Why would you lose me?" I ask.
"Because I'm no where near perfect. I make mistakes."
"I do too."
"It's different, Tamsyn. Thinking about losing your love makes me feel sick. It's only a matter of time. I'm trying to be positive, but the harder I fall the more difficult it gets to think about."
I think for a few minutes about how I should respond. "I know it's only been a few months, but I've never felt this way about anyone else. You're my match. I honestly believe that. I know you've made big changes in your life. We all have demons and fears."
"When my family loves, we fall hard. I can see this going somewhere. I want you by my side. One day I'd like to make you more than my girlfriend." He takes my hand and kisses it. "I'm not trying to freak you out or push you. I'm just saying I can picture it. I can see us together, maybe with a couple kids."
This isn't the man I met at the dealership. He’s becoming my whole world. When he says things like this I forget he used to be a player, and that I'm his first real relationship. His love for me is obvious. He doesn't hide it.
I spent three years with a guy who never put me first. He lied and cheated. I've been with Josh for three months and he's everything I've ever looked for in a man. "It may be years away, but I promise I'll still be by your side."
Josh peers out the window. He's withdrawn again, and I don't know why, until I begin to worry. "Is there something I don't know?"
He doesn't answer. "We're here." He points to the white picket fence that seems to go on for miles. We approach a large white sign with the Mitchell name and pull onto the private driveway. Josh stops and plugs in a code that opens the security gates. Unlike North Carolina, this place is huge. It's like a family compound.
"Exactly how rich is your family?"
"We do all right. You seeing me for my money?"
"I've never asked for a penny."
He rubs my leg. "I'm teasing. The thought has never crossed my mind. Besides, I collect a paycheck and still live with my parents. I'm by no means rich."
“I’m teasing you, silly. I’d still want you even if you lived in a car.”
“I’d make sure it was a nice car at least,” he jokes.
I smile and lean my head against him as we pull up in front of the old mansion. It appears that we’re the first couple to arrive for the festivities. After meeting his great aunt, he gives me a tour of the home, and then the property.
I’m overwhelmed, at least until we come to his Uncle Colt and Aunt Van’s house. It’s big, but nothing compared to the mansion. When we go inside it smells like a bakery. His aunt comes over and gives me a hug like the last time we saw each other. She’s like the most gentle human being I’ve ever met. Her oldest daughter Christian comes in and greets us almost the same as her mother. “What are you two up to?”
“I’m showing her the ranch, one house at a time.”
“Don’t go to Addy’s house. They’re remodeling. It’s a disaster. I can’t believe she’s letting people stay with them.”
I smirk. “I’m sure it’s fine. One time my parents decided to knock down a wall the night before Christmas. There was so much drywall dust that our tree looked like the ones with the snow painted on them. All of my presents were caked in a white layer of residue. We ended up eating dinner in my parent’s bedroom, wearing our pajamas.”
Christian seems interested in my story. She’s laughs with me and then turns to Josh. “Keep this one. She’s great.”
“I plan on it,” he explains.
Once we’re outside, Josh takes my hand and leads me down a gravel road. Tall grasses line one side, while a green pasture sets the landscape on the opposite side. A couple horses are grazing, while wild birds fly around them. It’s heavenly. I can picture living my life in a place like this, Josh by my side, maybe someday there will be kids. I’m overthinking things, probably rushing what should be taken slow, but I’m happy. I’m ecstatic. I belong with him, and him with me. I can feel it in my gut. My life is beautiful when he’s a part of it. “I feel like the luckiest person on the planet.”
“I’m glad you’re happy, beautiful. It’s all I could ask for.”
“Being here with you; it’s like a dream. Your family is great. They’ve been so nice. It’s funny, because I swore your mom would hate me considering the way we first met, but she doesn’t. She makes me feel so welcome. What I’m trying to say is that I’m grateful you came into the dealership and hit on me. I’m thankful you showed up that night and didn’t take me home. I’m glad we had sex.”
He doesn’t let me finish. He’s picking me up and kissing me, carrying me over to a wooden fence so I’m able to lean against it. When we part he’s smiling. His eyes are glistening, like he’s getting emotional, except I don’t think it’s possible. Josh is a rock. He’s too tough to express himself this way.
He holds me close for a few more seconds, kissing the top of my head and leaving his face to linger there. “I’m thankful for you too, Tamsyn. You taught me the real meaning of love, and I’ll never forget it.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
“You better. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. It’s why I’m crazy about you.”
Our hands lace together and it’s like electricity running between us. I never want this moment to end.
Chapter 23
Joshua
It's been several days since I learned Liv is pregnant with my child, and there hasn't been a single second where I'm able to relax. I can't sleep. When I eat I feel sick. When I'm around Tamsyn all I can think about is losing her. Every single second I wait to share the news is another reason for her to hate me. God I can't deal with it. The image of her packing her things and walking out of my life devastates me and it hasn't happened yet. I'm prolonging the inevitable. She knows something is up. I can't keep lying to her; promising we will be okay, when I know we won't.
I haven't heard from Liv. That's how I know she's genuinely freaking out. This isn't about being with me, or how I feel about her. A part of me will always care about her, but I won't forgive her for what's been done to me. Now I have to find a way to get along with her for the sake of our child. It's terrible.
Everyone will hate me. Wes will never forgive me. Cam will probably try to beat the shit out of me. My dad will go back to calling me worthless, and my mom, well she's going to be crushed when Tamsyn leaves. They're very close. I know she wants her to be the one I stay with.
Given my history with Liv, not a single family member will accept her, well no one besides her brother.
I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone for advice, because I know they'll only tell me what I already know.
I'm an idiot.
After the tour, and a very emotional walk, I find Tamsyn outside on the front porch swing. She's closed her eyes and seems to be enjoying a gentle afternoon breeze. She’s beautiful sitting there all alone, and I take a mental picture just in case our time is running out. The harder to try to keep calm, the more my emotions are going awry.
The porch door slams shut grabbing her attention. "Hey.” I say while walking. “Are you hungry yet? Noah and Shalan are hosting dinner."
She stops swinging and heads in my direction. "It's so beautiful here. I could stay outside all night if you�
��d let me."
"Yeah, I like the mountains and when the leaves turn red and orange for as far as the eyes can see. It’s like a picture you’d hang on the wall.”
“We can take the four wheeler out later if you're up for it. There's a stream that runs through the whole property. It opens up to a lake. If you're really feeling adventurous we could take horses. Shalan and Noah have six now."
Her arms wrap around my waist. "As long as you lead the way I'll follow."
I wish that were the case, but I know as soon as she learns my secret everything will end abruptly.
Noah and Shalan offered for us to stay with them, but Isabella and Rusty are already there, plus they have Jake and Jax's crews. Addison offered, but my sister Callie and Cob will be using their only guest room. Cammie and Wes and Cassie and Logan are staying in the mansion with us. I think it'll be nice to see them and share coffee and breakfast each morning while we're all here. Plus Tamsyn will have people she feels comfortable with, just in case I go off with guys.
We arrive at the house to find an Italian smorgasbord prepared. After making a couple plates, we eat outside near the pastures. I can already tell my girlfriend is eying up one of the mares. "Like I said, we can take a ride."
"I haven't ridden in years."
"You'll do fine." I reach for her hand. "Come on. The weather is perfect and we still have a couple hours of daylight left."
I don't have to twist her arm. She's already leading the way into the stables.
We saddle up two horses and start making our decent toward the wooden trails when Wes and Cammie come pulling into the driveway. I expect a wave or a smart comment, but Wes surprises me by jumping from the car before my sister can completely stop. "We need to talk," he says as he approaches.
"Okay. Can it wait until we get back?"
He's pissed about something. That much is obvious. "Not really." He looks to Tamsyn. "Can I borrow him for a second?"
She's already on one of the horses but nods like she okay if I step away for a moment.
We no sooner get into the barn when he starts on me. "I talked to my sister this morning and she had a lot to say."
"About what?" I play stupid, because I can't believe she would tell him anything just yet.
"Don't go there with me, Josh. How long have we been friends, man?"
I shrug. "Almost twenty years."
"How do you think it felt to find pregnancy tests in the bathroom trash this morning and discover they weren't from Cammie, but my little sister?"
"I guess it pissed you off."
He's shaking his head. "You're really going to do this? You're going to look me in the eyes and lie to my face?"
"I'm not!"
"I know Liv is pregnant, Josh. She told me everything when I threatened to kick her out of the house if she didn't. I know the kid she's carrying is yours. What the fuck? How long have you lied to me about my sister? Have the two of you been fucking each other since middle school? Is she telling the truth?"
I sigh. "Yeah. It's true."
"So you do know she's pregnant with your child, yet you're here with Tamsyn pretending there ain't shit going on. Does she know, because if I do the math right in my head, according to how far along she is, you were already with Tamsyn."
I'm starting to worry he's being too loud. "Keep it down, Wes. It's not what you think."
"So she doesn't know her boyfriend is screwing her ex best friend behind her back?"
"What the hell? I'm not! It happened once in the past seven months. We severed ties. It's your fault she came back anyway. You had to run your mouth and tell her I was falling for Tamsyn."
"She asked how you were doing. How the fuck was I supposed to know she'd come back for you? It's not like either of you filled me in on your secret love affair."
I point at my best friend. "You need to settle down, bro."
He shoves me. "You need to grow a set and take responsibility."
"Fuck you. It happened once. I was trashed. It meant nothing to me. She's the one who threw herself at me."
"You fucked her. She told me everything."
"Josh?" I hear Tamsyn saying my name from behind us. As I turn to address her she's backing away from me. "Say it isn't true. Please tell me he's mistaken."
"Tamsyn wait!" She's back on the horse, kicking it on the side so it takes off into the thick woods.
I take the reigns of the other saddled horse, but turn to Wes before climbing on. "You just ruined my life, man. Thanks for nothing."
Cammie is trying to catch me, but the horse is already in a gallop. I have to find Tamsyn. This can't be happening to us, not now, not yet.
I’m calling her name, scanning far in the distance to see if I can spot her. I follow the stream I told her about, hoping she’ll use that as a guide not to get lost. I hate that she’s alone. It’s my fault she’s hurting, and there’s nothing I can do but pray she’s going to get through this. I’m not comparing myself to Shaun, because she’s already told me our relationship is stronger than theirs ever was.
I’m desperate to find her, asking for God’s help, or anyone that can guide me in the right direction. I can’t begin to imagine what she’s going through. I promised I wouldn’t lie. I looked her in the eyes and told her we’d be okay. I cheated. I swore that wouldn’t happen, not with her.
It’s not fair. None of it. If I could take it back I would. I should have gotten on a plane and followed her to Mexico like I wanted, because then this wouldn’t be happening.
I hear whimpering as I continue searching. After hooking the horse up to a nearby tree, I follow the sounds until I spot her. She’s sitting on a large rock, her horse a little behind her. She sees me and stands like she’s going to run. I extend my hand in her direction. “Tamsyn, please. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Don’t run. I can explain. I know you’re pissed and you feel betrayed, but there’s an explanation. At least let me talk to you.”
She’s sobbing. Her tears have soaked the front of her sweatshirt. “How could you do this to me? You promised.”
I get close, but she backs away. “Don’t. I can’t be near you. How could you be with that bitch after everything she did to you? How could you look me in the eyes and lie to my face? I don’t even know you, Josh. Everything was a lie.”
“No!” I argue. “You’re wrong. None of it was a lie. I never wanted to hurt you. It was a mistake, a horrible, awful mistake.”
“Just shut up. You fucked her behind my back. As far as I know it takes two people to make that happen.”
“You’re right, but I was trashed. She came onto me. I didn’t even remember what happened the next day until I was reminded. You have to believe me.”
“I don’t believe a word out of your mouth and I never will again.” She covers her face. “God, I’m so stupid. Everyone warned me. They said you’d do this; that you were incapable of settling down, but I didn’t listen. I let you make me fall in love with you. I was so caught up that I thought you loved me too.”
“I do. God, I do.”
My throat feels like it’s closing up, and my eyes sting. I know what’s happening, and I’m not about to hold back, not with her. “I love you so much that it’s been tearing me apart. You’re all I want.”
“Sorry about your luck, but you can’t have me, never again, Josh.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“You’re having a baby with Livvy. What the hell, Josh? We talked about protection with other people. We talked about Livvy and how she used you over and over again. You said you hated her, but now I know you were lying through your teeth. You’re so good at it that you believe yourself. What kind of person looks into their lover’s eyes and flat out lies with no remorse?”
“I’ve been a wreck about it for days. You know that. You kept asking, but I didn’t know how to tell you. It’s been killing me. I knew it would hurt you, and the idea of that kept me from coming clean.”
“You didn’t tell me because you knew I
’d leave.”
“You’re right. That’s a big part of it.”
“Wow, look, he does know how to tell the truth,” she says sarcastically.
I reach for her but she pulls away. “Tamsyn.”
“I thought you were the one. I really did. I could picture our future so clearly. You had me going. You were perfect, portraying a man any woman could love. You were right to warn me in the beginning. You told me you’d mess up, but I gave you the benefit of doubt.” She pauses for a second, breaking down again. She’s so close I can touch her, but I don’t attempt it. “I can’t stay here with you. I can’t look at your family.”
“Don’t leave. They love you. I love you. Please don’t do this.”
“It’s done, Josh. We’re done and I’m going home.” She storms past me and climbs back on the horse. “I’d appreciate it if you got someone to give you a ride back home next week. I’m taking the truck back to North Carolina. I’ll get my things from the ranch while you’re away so it’s easier on the both of us.”
I run my hands through my hair. I’m in shock. This wasn’t supposed to happen for weeks. I know I didn’t deserve the extra time with her, but at least I would have been prepared.
I sink down on my knees and watch her riding away, my heart shattering into a million pieces as the first set of tears run down my cheeks.
Chapter 24
Olivia
For the record, I didn't know my brother was going to go through the trash and find the pregnancy test. When he confronted me I wanted to lie, but Wes is hard to convince. Besides, I need someone on my side to help me through this. If he discovered it was Josh he'd feel obligated to help us work out our differences.
The call comes in a little after nine. When I see his name pop up on my screen I already know what's it about. Wes has arrived in Kentucky and given Josh an ear full.
Joshua Healy (Mitchell Healy Book 10) Page 15