by Cathryn Fox
Feeling a little lost, and a whole lot angry, I head inside and bang around as I make my way to the kitchen. I take a beer from the fridge, swallow half the contents in one gulp, and pull my phone out again as I stalk into the living room.
I call Cole at his beachside cottage, he answers on the second ring. “Did you fucking know?” I ask, getting right to the point.
“Know what?” he asks. A door slams and I’m guessing he’s gone into another room for privacy. “What’s going on?”
“Did you know Sara was fucking Ethan and the baby was his?”
A beat of silence, and then, “Jesus fuck, I’m sorry to hear that Jamie, and I’m also sorry to say it doesn’t surprise me. But if I knew something like that, don’t you think I’d tell you?” he shoots back.
“Exactly. Just like Fallon should have told me.”
I hear a rustling sound in the background, and Huxley barking. “Back it up, tell me what’s going on.”
“That night by the fire, you said there were things I didn’t know. If you didn’t know my brother and my fiancée were fucking around, what things were you talking about?”
“Oh, fuck.” I grip my phone and Cole takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Ethan was your brother, and he’s gone. I don’t want to talk badly about him, but Jamie, as his big brother, his protector, there are so many things you overlooked, or didn’t really see at all.”
I lean forward, brace my elbows on my legs. “What are you talking about?”
“You and Fallon. You two always belonged together. If everyone else saw it, Ethan had to have seen it too. He wanted her because you wanted her.”
A storm roils through me as I mull that over. “I backed off because…because he was my kid brother and I would have done anything in the world for him.”
“I know this is going to hurt, but that didn’t go both ways. Ethan always wanted to outshine you. I don’t know why. I wasn’t there to see the dynamics when you two were growing up.”
I think back to all Ethan’s antics, all the risks he’d took, stunts he pulled, to get the adoration and approval of everyone around him. Was that to outshine me?
“Maybe he didn’t like that you were better at hockey, that you were adored by so many.”
“Ethan never liked hockey. He never went to a single game of mine. Never even put Chase in skates.”
“But you watched him race, right?”
The knot in my stomach tightens. “Whenever I could.”
Ethan was jealous of me? Wanted to outshine me?
“I can’t say where the envy comes from. Maybe he was just hardwired that way.” A beat of silence, and then, “That’s why I’m not surprised to hear he went after Sara.”
My heart aches in my constricted tight chest as my thoughts go to Fallon’s betrayal. Trust is important to me, she of all people knows that. “Fallon knew everything.”
“Yeah.”
“She kept it from me. Said she was sorry I found out.”
“Why would she keep that from you?”
“Sara said it was payback. Tit for tat.” A humorless laugh escapes my throat. “She slept with Ethan so Fallon was getting even by sleeping with me.”
“Fallon slept with you because she loves you, Jamie. One look at you two and it’s easy to tell how crazy you are about each other.”
“Sara said something like that.”
Fuck me.
“Maybe there were other reasons she kept it from you,” Cole says.
“Like what?”
“Maybe you’ve been through enough, and she didn’t want to see you hurt anymore. You’re a protector at heart, always protecting your little brother, and maybe she was protecting you from him.”
“You think?”
“You’ll have to ask her, but yeah, I think.”
“She said she was ninety-nine percent sure of the affair, until Sara pretty much confirmed it.”
“That could be another reason she didn’t tell you. She has great intuition, but maybe she didn’t have proof.”
Is it possible that Cole is right, that she kept that from me because, one, she wasn’t sure, and two, she was protecting me? Christ, if so, I totally fucked everything up between us. The hurt look on her face, the way she fled after I told her to go. There’s no coming back from that. She should hate me. Fuck, I hate myself.
I grip my hair and tug. “I accused her of playing some fucked-up game with me.” The look on her face was pure devastation when she asked if that was what I thought of her.
Cole groans. “Shit.”
“Yeah.” A lump fills my throat, and pain spreads to my jaw, then settles at the base of my neck where a headache begins brewing. “Oh fuck, man, the hurtful things I said to her.”
“You were angry. She’s smart enough to realize you were striking out in the moment.”
“I fucking hurt her, Cole.” I stand, and pace to the window, catch a glimpse of her SUV as she drives back down our street, slowing to see the white Honda still in my driveway. Where the hell is she going? I need to go after her. “I really hurt her.”
“Then make it right.”
“How?”
“You’re a smart guy. You’ll figure it out.” Just then my doorbell rings and my heart leaps. “Maybe that’s her,” Cole says.
“Gotta go,” I say and disconnect the call.
I hurry to the door, pull it open and find my father on the steps. “Dad,” I say and look past his shoulders, but the SUV is long gone. “Did you pass Fallon?”
He nods. “She called me. She told me Sara had been here, and wanted me to call to make sure you were all right. I thought I’d come by instead.”
“She…called you?”
“She was pretty worried about you.”
After the cruel things I said, she called my Dad? Was worried about me?
I have no idea why that surprises me. Fallon is kind, caring, and always puts the best interests of others first. Which, of courses, was why she didn’t tell me her suspicions about the affair, or the baby. She was protecting me, goddammit.
I am such a fucking idiot.
“I hurt her,” I say, and sink to my knees in the front foyer as my heart gallops in my chest.
“Let’s talk,” Dad says.
I take a few deep breaths, push to my feet and eventually follow him into the living room. “Do you know where she is?” I ask.
“No, she didn’t say.”
“I love her, Dad.”
“I know you do,” he says with a nod.
“Do you hate me for that?”
“Son, you’ve always loved her. Everyone knew that.”
“That’s what Cole said.” I consider that a moment longer and ask a question I’m not sure I want the answer too. “Do you think…Ethan knew how I felt about her?”
He scrubs the bristles on his chin, looks off into the distance, and gives a small nod. “Yes.”
That one word, and the honesty behind it, takes the air from my lungs. I sit there, stars dancing in my brain like I’d just been body-checked against the boards. As I look at my dad, take in the lines around his eyes, think about the pain and suffering he endured at losing a son, my eyes fill with tears.
No way am I about to tell him Sara and Ethan were having an affair and the baby was his. There are some things he doesn’t need to know. Not only do I not want to hurt him, I want to protect the memory of his son. Like Cole said, I’m a protector at heart. So is Fallon.
Yeah, Fallon not telling me. I totally get it now.
“I need to make things right,” I say, fighting down the panic that I might not be able to do that. That it might be too late.
My dad stands, and I climb to my feet. As we stand eye to eye, he puts his hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay, son?”
“No, I’m not. I haven’t been okay in a long time. But I’m really hoping I will be soon.”
15
Fallon
Last night after my run-in with Sara, and the cruel thing J
amie accused me of, there was no way I could go back into my house and sleep. Not after sharing the place with Ethan, and then playing house with Jamie. With Chase asleep in the back of the SUV, I went for a drive and somehow found myself at the graveyard. A visit was something I’d been wanting to do since arriving back in Seattle. At Ethan’s resting spot, I sat there for a very long time, going over the events of the past year, and the months before his death.
Even though I’m not a religious person, I said a few prayers, for Ethan and the baby, and since holding on to old hurts is far too hard on my head, I let everything go in that instant. With tears in my eyes, I climbed back into my vehicle and drove around for a very long time, until exhaustion pulled at me and I went home, and then I tucked Chase into his bed, and I went back to the spare room that I hadn’t been sleeping in with Jamie.
I stared at the ceiling most of the night…wondering. Had Sara convinced Jamie to take him back? Had Jamie forgiven her? Her car was still in the driveway well into the wee hours of the morning when I returned home. I want Jamie to be happy, and if Sara makes him happy then so be it. Hopefully she’ll have learned from past mistakes and they can move on—much like I plan to move on.
But how can I do that without Jamie—the man I loved for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure but I’ll have to find a way. My heart squeezes in my too tight chest, and filling my lungs is much more difficult. For a time last night, I thought about running again. Going back to my mother’s in Spokane, but that’s not fair to Chase. His uncle might be angry at me, might want me out of his life for good, but I can’t imagine that would extend to Chase.
A pounding sound reverberates through my head. At first I think it’s a headache, but then I realize it’s Chase running down the hall. I kick off the blankets, and note that he’d slept in. He was probably exhausted from a long week at the beach, and broken sleep in the SUV last night.
“I’m coming, bud,” I say and look at myself in the mirror as I rise. Wow, I hope someone got the license plate of the truck that ran me over. I smooth my hand over my mess of hair but other than a bucket of makeup, there is nothing I can do about the black smudges beneath my eyes.
“I want pancakes,” Chase yells as he darts into the bathroom.
My throat tightens. Pancakes were his and Jamie’s thing.
“Okay. I’ll make them for you.”
“I want Jamie to make them,” he says.
So do I.
My heart squeezes. Chase had gotten so used to Jamie being here and then poof, he’s out of his life one morning just like that. That wasn’t fair of me. I should have been more careful.
“Not today, kiddo. But you can help me with the batter.”
He comes from the bathroom with a pout on his face. “Where’s Jamie?”
Keep it together, girl.
“He’s busy. But I’m here to help.” When he looks like he’s about to protest I say, “I think I have some chocolate chips we can sprinkle in.”
“Chocolate chips,” he yells, and darts down the stairs a million miles an hour.
He reaches the kitchen before me, and as I walk down the hall, my doorbell rings. I go perfectly still, my heart in my throat.
Could it be?
I turn directions, walk slowly to the door, and take a breath and hold it as I swing it open. But it’s not Jamie on my stoop. Nope, it’s Jamie’s parents and they both have strange expressions on their faces. Worry creeps through me.
“Is Jamie okay?” I ask quickly.
“Jamie is fine,” Barry says.
Then what is going on? Why are they at my place Saturday morning before noon?
I think back to last night. I called Barry, told him Sara had returned and suggested he call his son. I wanted him to check in with Jamie, just to make sure he was okay. But what exactly did Jamie tell him? Could they know about the affair, the baby…about us? If so are they angry?
Marion speaks and that’s when I realize I’ve been standing there thinking. “I’m sorry. Please come in. What’s going on?” I ask cautiously.
“We thought you and Chase might like to go for a drive today.”
“I don’t think—”
“Mommy, I want to go,” Chase says coming from the kitchen. Marion opens her arms, and he runs into them.
“You’re house hunting, aren’t you? John called this morning with the perfect house for you. He said you had to act fast, though.”
“Why did he call you and not me?”
She shakes her head. “Well, isn’t that a good question.” She claps her hands. “Nevertheless, we need to get going.”
“I’m not even dressed.”
“I was making pancakes, Grandma,” Chase says, and my heart beats a little faster as he beams up at his grandparents.
“How about we go through the drive thru and get you pancakes on our way to look at the house?”
“Can we, Mommy?”
“I guess so,” I say, my head spinning as this is all coming so fast at me.
Chase and I dart upstairs, we wash, dress, and brush our teeth, and back downstairs, Marion and Barry are talking quietly. They part quickly when they see us, and I angle my head.
“Is everything okay?”
“Everything will be okay,” Barry says. “At least that’s what I’ve been told.”
Not understanding his cryptic words, we head outside, and Barry insists he drive. Since the car seat is in the SUV, I climb in back with Chase and give the passenger seat up to Marion.
We go through a fast food drive through and we all get something to eat. With my head down, I help Chase with his pancakes, but we both end up a sticky mess in the end anyway. When I finally lift my head, I glance around.
“Where are we going? Where is this place? I wanted to be in the city, closer to the hospital.”
“I wonder if John misunderstood,” Marion says, keeping her eyes straight ahead.
“I don’t want to live this far out,” I say, and wonder what’s really going on here. They both ignore me from the front seat, and I realize too late where they’re taking me. “Why are we headed to Wautauga Beach?”
“Perhaps John found something here for you,” Barry says.
I sit back, and stare out the window, chaos erupting in my stomach. Barry and Marion are up to something, of that I’m certain. We drive a little while longer, and they pull into the driveway of the Johnsons’ cottage. Jamie and Cole had viewed it shortly after we arrived, but I was too busy with Chase to join them. But this place is too big for us and too far out for a daily commute. Besides, I could never live here. Everyday I’d be reminded of Jamie, and what I’d loved and loss.
“Mommy, we’re at the beach,” Chase says and sits up a bit straighter. “There’s Huxley.” He points as Cole, Nina, and Brandon come our way. Behind them I see all the others, but Jamie is nowhere to be found. Not that I expected he’d come back here.
I open my door slowly, and the warm sun shines down on us as everyone comes to greet us. “What’s going on, Cole?” I ask, and he just smiles at me and points a finger toward the front door of the Johnsons’ cottage.
My heart jumps into my throat and I sink to my knees, tears in my eyes. “What…what are you doing?” I ask so quietly there is no way Jamie can hear me from where he’s standing at the top of the stairs.
“Mommy, Mommy,” Chase says, and Nina goes to his side of the car and lets him out.
Barry reaches for me, and helps me to my feet. “I’m sorry we tricked you. But I’m not really,” he says with a grin. “John did think this place was good for you. We all do. You and Jamie deserve this.”
“What are you saying?” I ask.
“Never mind what I have to say. Go see what Jamie has to say.” He turns me and gives me a little nudge. I walk toward the stairs and Jamie comes toward me. That’s when I realize he’s holding a dog.
“Jamie?” I ask.
He smiles at me, and calls out, “Chase.”
Chase comes running up and Ja
mie drops to his knees. “This guy is for you.”
Chase’s eyes go so wide I think they’re going to fall out of his head as he looks at the mutt. “It’s not a Huxley. Actually, he’s a rescue dog, and he needs someone to love him.”
He hands the dog over, and Chase and everyone starts to laugh as the dog gives big wet kisses.
“You can name him whatever you like. But probably not Huxley, since we have a Huxley already,” Jamie says as the dog stops licking and starts chomping on the sleeve of Chase’s T-shirt.
“I’m going to call him Chomp,” Chase says, and Huxley comes over and starts sniffing the pup.
“Great, more reminders of the alligator song,” Jamie says with a hard roll of his eyes.
“I think he likes you, Chase.” I stand back up as Chase sets the dog down and starts running around, little Chomp and Huxley running after him.
“I think I like you, Fallon,” Jamie says softly, his thumb under my chin, bringing my face to his.
“On that note,” Cole says loudly. “Let’s all go for a walk. Come on, Chase.”
Knowing my son is in good hands, I let him go, and face the man I love. “Jamie, what is all this?” I ask, and look at the cottage behind him. “Did you buy this place?”
“Yes, for us.”
“For us?” I manage to get out as my throat tightens.
“This is my way of telling you how fucking sorry I am and showing you just how much I love you.” I draw in a breath of happiness as my love for him floods my heart. His fingers graze mine as he continues. “I was a complete ass last night. I said terrible things, Fallon.” He swallows hard. “I was hurt, confused…I didn’t understand why you would keep things from me.” He pulls me close, presses a kiss to my forehead. “But I know now. I understand, and I’m here to prove I can be the man you need, and I want to give you that perfect world, Fallon. You deserve it. I deserve it too. Forgive me, please.”