by Ron Foster
David was trying to formulate an appropriate retort to Goat’s comment when he observed Jack walking towards them like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He waved a slight finger at Goat to wait a minute on the conversation and went to join his friend further away from the group.
“What’s wrong Jack? You look like you just kissed the wrong end of a baby.” David said to his life long friend trying to cheer him up.
“That Blake is a shit salesman with a mouthful of samples.” Jack said reaching in his shoulder bag to give David a small paper bag as a gift.
“You’re just offering me one beer? Do those things come like dead men, one to a box?” David said chuckling as he peeked in the bag smiling forlornly at the skimpiness of the contents.
“When’s the last time you saw a can of beer man? There is a shortage on everything as you know. By the way bitch at Doug for me, my ol lady gave me a piece of that goat you all ate last night and it was sliced so thin it had only one side.” Jack grumbled and then grinned and produced out of a cargo pants pocket what was probably another 20 year old can of off flavor suds of David’s lest desired brand of beer.
“All she wrote buddy, I gave you the good news first, (meaning oatmeal beats no meal to David’s palate).” Jack said a bit vexed that David was not more appreciative of the treat he had found him.
“I ain`t bitching bud, been a long while since I even seen any kind of beer. Hope you don’t mind but I am going to stare at them awhile and then probably trade them off. We been drinking “stump knocker” last night and the effects of a couple cans of beer just ain`t the same.” David conceded that when it came to booze of any sort he was of an opinion he wouldn’t start drinking it at all unless there was a buzz to be had and enough of it to do a good job.
“Do with it as you like you old alki!’ Jack said hoping he would get some kind of munchies treat as an exchange gift from David later.
“Anyway Blake reminds me of the way Philburn used to be. You need to count your fingers after shaking hands with him because he always looks like he is up to something or going to short change you.
“I get the same kind of nasty creepy feeling about him. Did Clyde look like he was buying any of the crap he and his wife are putting out?” David asked studying Jack intently.
“Oh no, Clyde is way to smart for that. That boy has more than just walking around sense and acts like he can see right through him and will not be deceived. But there is a new little young lady arrived that he has hooked up with that is holding his attention. When I left she was battin' her eyes at him like a toad in a hailstorm. Kind of funny how she just showed up with her cousin and appeared to have already known Blake and Marcy pretty good.” Jack said meaningfully.
“Very suspicious indeed. I would have suspected them of being in cahoots anyway, folks don’t just appear at the landing in masse unless they were invited or the trading post sends them over.” David said contemplating how many more people they might should be thinking about arriving or “just be passing through’. They had had camp spies before infiltrate the community but nothing like these FEMA bible thumpers.
“They said the keyword buddy.” Jack said solemnly. Jack stood there looking at David intently and drawing the attention of everyone listening to a hush.
“I take it you mean the Romans 13 thing, well that confirms my suspicions they a plant boys.” David declared confirming we had FEMA narcs in the area.
“Told you! Agent Provocateurs!” Boudreaux yelled a bit too loudly.
“They also know that crazy preacher man who came around awhile back. It seems he has himself a church and congregation now over by Snyders crossing just outside the city. Marcy and Blake have been commenting on how they liked the no guns on the boat landing rule. I didn’t bother to explain that it meant no visible guns and only really applied to visitors that the community hadn’t vetted yet. Clyde is still carrying his SKS rifle openly by the way as a so called designated boat landing guard.” Jack advised.
“Good for him! Don't tell me that the Bible teaches pacifism, because it doesn't. Luke 11:21, "When a strong man armed keepeth his palace, his goods are in peace." Furthermore, Jesus told his disciples in Luke 22:36, "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." Upon hearing those words of Jesus, Simon Peter responded by saying, "Lord, behold, here are two swords." (vs. 38) That means at least two of Jesus' disciples were armed with swords (the 1st Century equivalent of a modern handgun, something used for personal protection), and Jesus did not rebuke them or ask them to surrender their swords. He merely said, "It is enough." David declared after getting sucked into bitching about religious interpretations that he rather not be discussing.
“Hell I know, you used that particular argument on that crazy preacher.” LowBuck said joining the fray.
“Ha! I remember that, that old preacher had the worst funny look on his face trying to argue that point I have ever seen. He had a look on his face like a rat eating crap off a wire brush.” David said chuckling.
“That’s the most do-less man I have ever seen.” LowBuck said pointing at Purvis heading towards them with a catfish on either end of a broomstick balanced on his shoulder.
“He probably didn’t even catch those two fish himself and is now just looking for help to clean them.” Stewart said aloofly and tried not to notice the man.
“Purvis, we are holding a community board meeting so it’s bad timing for you to visit. Why don’t you go share those fish with the platform gang?” Dump told him trying to discourage him from joining the conversation.
“They not for eating, they for bait.” Purvis said still walking towards the group.
“You stay over there you old grizzled French bastard. That stick of yours smells like the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.” Boudreaux called out menacingly.
“Who you calling old? You so old you was alive when the Dead Sea was just sick.” Boudreaux’s part Cajun nemesis called back but kept his distance.
“ Well I am glad you called it fish or animal bait because any cooking your offering is so bad that the dog licked its butt to get the taste out of it’ s mouth.” Boudreaux told him.
“The man actually cooks and offers food to others?” Stewart said to guffaws and forgetting he wasn’t going to acknowledge Purvis today.
“Shut up you snaggle tooth old Brit. Why I'll slap you so hard you'll starve to death before you stop sliding'. Purvis said getting all redneck and uppity acting.
“You one to talk Purvis. Only thing alive at your house with all its teeth is the termites. “Ain`t it getting about time for you to get thrown in the lake again or shouldn’t you be running along now and taking them fish with you.” David said threatenly standing up for his buddy Stewart.
It wasn’t just the fish or Purvis’s general cantankerous ways that made him unwelcome at the meeting. Neither cleanliness nor godliness was in that mans vocabulary. It wasn’t even in the same neighborhood which was why Purvis was occasionally “accidentally” bumped off the pier a couple times a year and recently had been bodily thrown off by Dump and Dave to force him to take a bath. Purvis had whole lake to draw water from by the bucket but chose instead to run a gutter into his bathtub and wait for enough rainwater to clean up with if got around to it. In times of drought he got down right stinky and it was unpleasant to be anywhere downwind from him. Boudreaux had offered once to keel haul him for us but it was decided that might kill off more fish than we could spare.
“Shit fire! I just come over to offer you bait for the traps or trotlines. Who put the bee in you boys bonnets this morning?!” Purvis said before he stalked hurriedly off in case David decided to make good on his threat.
“He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in, and if not, he can go change them. Don’t sweat him Stewart, you can handle him yourself but I will tell him I will snatch a crook in his tail if he forgets his manners around any guests on this deck.” LowBuck said glaring after the old miscreant.
“That ma
n ain`t going to die like the rest of us, he is just going to Ornery himself away.” Dump noted.
“Come a day I will teach him “The Marquess of Queensberry rules” for boxing. A bit of fisticuffs” Stewart said in his stiif British accent.
A caricature of John Douglas, Marquess of Queensberry, the caption reads "A good light weight”
“ That old codger is not going to stand up and fight you by any fancy formal rules. He is going to try to sucker punch you, bite you, kick you in the nuts and grab your hair and try to put a knee in your mouth.” LowBuck warned Stewart.
“That if he no try to cut you.” Boudreaux added in his heavey Cajun accent.
“ I am not worried about him. I have been in a few more scuffles than you give me credit for. Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even. I will thump that mans butt like a dragoon beating a drum” “Stewart said confidently.
“Dragons beat drums?” Dump said confused about the analogy.
“No Dumpie, a “Dragoon” is one of those Lobster backed looking redcoat English infantry men you saw in school when studying American history in the colonial period.” David offered after he had a laugh and then got everyone back on subject or off subject as the case maybe.
“I heard that Miss Lois was giving you hell, was it because of what you learned or what you related to her when you got back?” David inquired.
“You could give her Heaven and Earth - she'd still want a tater patch in hell she could make me work in. She is saying we should look in to seeing if any Mormons are still around and got a place for us like the Christian fundamentalists are espousing instead of just winging it here, or maybe just maybe considering moving closer to our old home. She don’t mean to be so morally bent to change everyone, its just hard for her to accept some of you alls wicked ass ways.” Jack said grinning at David who was acting not completely convinced with himself to leave alone the fish stringer connected to the two remaining quart Mason jars of Kickapoo joy juice he had cooling in the lake and was checking the rope to see if they remained attached in a nonchalant manner.
“Humm, that sounded like it was directed in my direction! I was just checking the lines.” David said abashedly and let go the nylon rope... with a mental note to check it on it again when Jack wasn’t watching...
“You will be checking the contents soon enough, don’t worry about it.” Jack guffawed picking at his friends like and occasional habit for consuming alcohol at any hour or what sounded like a any reasonable reason.
“I don’t want Lois bowed up like a Halloween Cat at me any time soon. We might let this morning tipple wait, is she coming around any time soon?’ David questioned dreading a visit and looking over at the path to Jacks house
I doubt it buddy, she can only handle so much of you all when your in your cups and I told her we doing the men folk business today and stay away like she was told. “Jack offered.
“When you think you got a hammer, everything’s a nail when it comes to abstinence with her.” LowBuck muttered.
“That’s when the lightening hits the merry-go-round there Jack if she even sees one of us with a glass of water in our hands. We might just might be doing some serious drinking and talking about a certain problem all day. Do us a favor and let her keep her distance.” David concluded.
“You won’t have to worry; I will take the brunt of nagging and suffering on my own from that barbed tongue of hers regardless. Just keep it in perspective OK guys?’ Jack said wishing they would commit to not fussing with her at all.
“Not a problem” everyone asserted their agreement not to antagonize Lois in one voice.
Lowbuck introduced the next order of business by saying “we should consider how it was for us when we were the ages of the younger generations and how maybe we could make the community more “kid or young adult friendly.”
“Well Lowbuck, I got the women working on that situation when it comes to matchmaking and planning things like Sadie Hawkins day dances and such so them boys and girls can get paired up and chaperoned some. But the thing is we don’t have enough young women and men to pair up with that don’t think there is a prince or a queen of their dreams around and that they might just be waiting up the road or will be passing through someday. Hell I confused that reality myself when I was trying to find me a mate. Took to many risks, acted a fool etc. I understand a significant other is a driving source of contemplation and a very attractive nuisance better than you all in some ways. I got pretty damn lucky Nancy had to have my help and decided that she would stay with me awhile.” David said looking off across the lake in remembrance.
She was much younger than him and probably wouldn’t have given him the time of day in a normal world, but he had more than defended and provided for her and eventually love had blossomed between them. They were both tough people who had been through a lot. As two of the more lonely unattached members of David’s survivalist band of misfits they gravitated toward each other for all sorts of different reasons.
If he was younger man and in a similar situation as the young bucks on the lake he could definitely see the lure of going out in the world to seek a mate and had done so himself time an again. Good thing he was an ol' bird dog willing to learn new tricks, If he had not of been, the mutual arrangement with Nancy would of never lasted so long because she was a bit how shall we say, high maintenance.
5
An Adopt a Puppy
“Who the hell names their kids Yates and Yardley” David said to Jack after hearing about the latest on the new kids on the landing.
“Yardley is the girl. Pretty young woman, she finds the time somewhere to put on make up and doll up somewhere before she sees Clyde.” Jack replied.
“You don’t see a lot of war paint cosmetics on the ladies these days unless it’s a planned on get together or some kind of a holiday. Sounds like she has her sail set for him maybe.” David said mentally congratulating Clyde but still worried about what the little temptress might be up to.
“She seems ok except she repeats some of that Christianity based BS propaganda about going to the FEMA camp from time to time. I don’t think she grew up thinking it though and she does listen to Clyde and me when we tell her about critically thinking the situation out. Now Yates is a whole different matter, he thinks the sun rises and sets in Blake’s and Marcie’s asses and follows their every word. I sent HeDo over there to spy for us while I am gone. I hope that’s ok. That boy will stay with his parents regardless so I sort of feel like he is on our side.” Jack said hoping he had made the right decision.
“Good choice, I doubt he would even consider taking his younger sister with him but that might not be a bad idea. A 10 year old sometimes can over hear stuff or give you an insight you hadn’t thought of.” David said thinking out loud.
“I can agree with your logic there but HopSing would never go along with that.” Jack said smiling thinking about her Vietnam war immigrant Asian father.
“Your right! We lose that idea! He would be running around with that giant meat cleaver of his hollering CHOP! CHOP! Before the day was out!” David said laughing.
“ I wouldn’t want to be the boy that comes seriously courting her one day but Billy Charles seems to have gotten past old Momma San` MeDo`s wooden spoon and radar.” Jack said chuckling and thinking about the freckled face red headed orphan boy who was smitten with the little girl.
“Well Pappa san HopSing can’t complain much about him hanging around either after that boy warned him about that water moccasin in his woodpile as he was about to reach next to it. Don’t you feel like you are about a hundred years old LowBuck? You and Cat rescued him about 5 years ago from that trader and I swear that kid got more walking around sense than the whole shanty town he came from.” David said thinking back a few years.
LowBuck, Cat and Dump had gone to a distant outlying trading post back in the days when
we had horses and the kid had tried to steal some stuff out of LowBuck`s wagon. He thought he was being slick while loading LowBuck`s wagon by throwing one bag or box on the wagon and losing one under it until he had Cat problems. No I don’t mean the furry kind. After his wife Cat observed the young thief short changing them at the behest of his master, she decided it was now “two for the price of one day” to teach him a lesson and give that unscrupulous trader a dose of his own medicine.
Every time the kid would steal from them, she would get a little bit of get evenness back at the trader that thought he was robbing them unawares.
A comb of her hair with her fingers meant LowBuck should salt the better furs with some sand so they weighed more and a better price could be demanded. A quick reach and dial down on the scale by her for weight parity adjustments was always in their favor as the asshole trader was berated for an observed “thumb on the scale” accusation by LowBuck.
The boy must of had some scruples though. Eventually he had deftly pointed at the robbery taking place to Cat by motioning to the hidden goods being thrown up under the wagon by his master’s orders and she was furious that he was somehow being made to be a thief instead of just in cahoots with the unscrupulous trader.