by Hazel Domain
“David, look at me.”
Sean’s hands were on his shoulders, and god, they were big, and David hated himself for needing them there.
“What?” he snapped, glaring up into Sean’s face.
“You’re dropping,” Sean said, his voice even. “I want you to sit on the bed and drink this.”
He pushed a bottle of fruit juice into David’s hands, the condensation soaking instantly into the shirt. David scowled at it.
“I’m dropping because I’m a piece of shit,” he grumbled. “You can’t hydrate your way out of that.”
“I want you to try anyway,” Sean said.
David resentfully allowed himself to be manhandled back up onto the bed. He stayed silent while Sean gave him the protein bar and he washed it down with the juice. The taste combination was terrible, but it did help center him. A little.
“I should go,” he grumbled when the food was gone and Sean was still just…staring at him. “We’re done here, right? Unless you want to go further.”
“I don’t think so,” Sean said, shaking his head. David laughed.
“Lucky for you, huh? This is probably a dom’s dream, some fucked-up little shit that’ll take anything they dish out and ask for more. I would have thought you’d jump at the chance to go all-out on some crying little bitch.”
“Is that what you think I’m here for?” Sean asked. There was a note of disbelief in his voice. “Just looking for someone who’ll let me hurt them?”
“No, I know you want more than that,” David snapped, and there was an edge to his voice now because of course there was more. David still went home in the morning, he still chose his own clothes, managed his own money— hell, he was even doing well at work. And given the chance, Sean would probably take over all of that, as well.
He snatched his shirt up off the floor, pulling it over his head without looking at Sean.
“Can I ask you something?” the dom asked. “Before you go?”
David rubbed a hand over his face.
“Sure. What.”
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. But…how did you get these?”
Sean’s hand dropped lightly onto David’s thigh, covering the scarred marks residing there. David glared at him.
“Just because you don’t want to mark me, doesn’t mean I can’t take it. I’m more than capable of punishing myself.”
Sean swallowed.
“You did it on purpose.”
David sighed.
“Yes, Sean, I did it on purpose, because random scenes weren’t doing it for me and because I’m capable of handling myself.”
David went to stand and suddenly felt himself wrapped in strong arms, dragging him back down onto the bed.
“What the hell? Get off!”
David struggled but Sean was stronger, and within a few seconds the dom was straddling him, pinning his wrists to the mattress.
“Tell me you aren’t going to do it again,” Sean demanded. “Tell me if I let you go, you’ll be safe.”
“Fuck you,” David spat, fighting against his hold and failing. “It’s not like it’ll kill me. And why do you care? I’m not even your sub!”
Sean’s eyes widened and a moment later, his mouth was crashing down onto David’s, bruising his lips against his teeth. David didn’t even hesitate to kiss him back, hungry and desperate, his reservations collapsing at once. He could feel tears rising in his eyes, and he wished he could wipe them away before Sean saw.
But Sean didn’t back away. He dropped lower, letting his forehead rest on the pillow beside David.
“Is that what you need?” he asked softly. “Do you need to be cut or— or whipped or bruised that way?”
“I don’t know what I need,” David answered. His voice was hollow. He wasn’t angry any more— he just wanted to sleep.
“Please tell me you were just angry,” Sean murmured. His grip relaxed on David’s wrists, but David didn’t move. “Please tell me you know…I’m not here because I like to hurt you.”
“Pain and control,” David muttered, and his gaze was fixed far away now, remembering his father’s words. That’s what they’ll want from you. That’s what subs are good for.
Sean raised his head, staring down at David.
“That’s how I seem to you?”
David closed his eyes, refusing to meet Sean’s gaze. He wanted to say yes.
But all he could see was how gentle Sean had been with him, through all of it. Even during their most intense scenes, Sean had been nothing but attentive, attuned to David’s smallest sound or movement.
Sean didn’t just wait for a safeword, Sean asked for permission, and that’s what was driving David out of his mind. Because it wasn’t what he expected. He’d never known a dom like that before.
“No,” David whispered, still refusing to open his eyes. “No, you’re different.”
Sean released his wrists, moving to cup David’s face, and David suddenly had the impression that he was falling. He flung his arms around Sean, clasping hard at his own wrists. Sean didn’t stop him, just leaned in and kissed him again, feather-light touches to his damp cheeks.
“I love you,” Sean murmured, in between the soft touches. “I love you.”
David turned his head, knowing he was going to cry and not wanting Sean to see. He buried his face in his shoulder, holding tight.
Sean loved him.
His life was over.
Chapter Ten
David didn’t have anything else to say that night.
Sean just kept kissing him, slow and gentle, occasionally stopping to offer the juice bottle again. David took what he was given, not arguing. He didn’t want to drive home. More than anything, he was tired.
Tired, and way too buzzed to sleep.
Sean loved him.
The realization was an iron weight in his throat, strangling him.
He glanced around the darkened bedroom, and he could easily imagine it as his own. He could imagine going to sleep next to Sean. He could imagine sharing meals with Sean and spending holidays with Sean and— god dammit, he could imagine introducing his dad to Sean.
He grimaced and tried picturing himself in a collar, buckling it on each morning as he dressed for a day of— of what? Cleaning the house in handcuffs and a french maid outfit?
He scowled.
But he couldn’t shake the warm feeling he got when he thought of the collar. Of being Sean’s…well. Being Sean’s.
The ideas raced through his head, too fast to track, too strong to stop.
He suddenly thought of the shower back home, and the way he usually fought these things.
He dug his fingers into his scalp, groaning.
“Can’t sleep?” Sean asked.
“How’d you guess?”
Sean looked at him for a moment, then pulled him up into a sitting position. He retrieved the blindfold from the bedside table, where it had fallen after the scene.
Without a word, he slipped it over David’s eyes, making sure it was snug.
A moment later, David felt his wrists being pressed together— crossed, resting on his belly. He exhaled slowly, letting Sean wrap them in a wide silk scarf. The tie was tight, but not painfully so. David had the feeling he’d be able to untie himself easily, if he tried.
He didn’t try.
He let Sean finish tying his wrists and forearms, feeling the pressure of the silk working methodically up his arms. By the time Sean reached his elbows, David was out cold.
~~~~~
When David woke up, he was alone. His arms were still bound, but nothing else, which was a relief because he needed to piss like a racehorse.
He navigated awkwardly into the bathroom, f
umbling his boxers open and eventually deciding to just sit down.
He pulled at the silk with his teeth, freeing himself within a minute.
He yanked his boxers back up and wandered downstairs into the kitchen.
Sean was cooking something on the range. It smelled like bacon, and David realized he was going to miss breakfasts with Sean.
“Hey,” he said after a second, when Sean didn’t realize he was there. “Sleep good?”
Sean looked over his shoulder, smiling at David but unwilling to leave the pan unsupervised.
“Not as well as you,” the dom answered.
“Yeah. Thanks for that. And for breakfast. And for…well, for all of this, basically. It’s been good.”
Sean turned the burner off, but didn’t turn around.
“You’re talking like it’s over.”
David swallowed, his throat suddenly tight.
“It has to be, doesn’t it? After…after yesterday.”
I love you, Sean’s voice whispered, but David shut it out.
“It was supposed to be casual,” David insisted. “No strings attached. It’s not…this isn’t a relationship.”
That got Sean to turn.
“Why not?” he asked. “Neither of us wanted anything serious, but…David, this has gotten serious. Whether we like it or not.”
“That’s easy for you to say! You’re not the one who’s going to have to—”
David cut the statement off before it could escape. Subs were supposed to want a dom. They were supposed to want the life their dom chose for them.
It was still hard, sometimes, to admit that he didn’t.
Sean was frowning at him.
“Is this about the sex? Because we don’t have to—”
“No!” David interrupted, waving his hand. “No, that’s— that’s fine. That’s good.”
Sean looked puzzled.
“Then what?”
David sighed.
“I’m not…I’m not a very good sub.”
“Coulda fooled me.”
“Shut up. I mean, I like the scenes, I even like the sex, but I don’t want that as my life, you know? I like my job, I like the way I look, I don’t…. I don’t want to change.”
David dropped his eyes, unable to look at Sean as he spoke. He didn’t want to see the disappointment on his face.
A long silence drew out between them.
“Why would you change?”
David groaned.
“Because that’s what subs do! They stay home and…sub,” he finished lamely. “You can’t go to work with a collar.”
Sean frowned.
“David, my friend Ian— he’s in the cubicle across from me— has had a collar literally as long as I’ve known him. You have to have seen people wearing collars at work.”
“Yeah, but— look, I just got promoted, and Adler says I’m in the running for regional manager, if I keep up what I’m doing now. I can’t…nobody takes you seriously when you’re a sub. They know they can walk all over you.”
“You don’t even let me walk all over you.”
“You’re different.”
David crossed the kitchen, slumping into one of the empty chairs. He stared at the floor, ignoring Sean as the dom came to sit beside him.
“David, last night you asked me to whip you bloody. And I get the feeling that if you’d gone home, you might have seriously hurt yourself.”
David rolled his eyes.
“‘Seriously.’ Okay.”
“I’m not joking. David, did you ever…in high school or whatever, did you ever have one of those safety classes? Or did you ever talk to a counselor or something about not wanting to sub full-time?”
“You mean, did I ever go find anyone and whine about how I hated my whiny designation? No.”
Sean sat in silence for a few seconds. David could feel him staring. For a breakup, this was going about as well as he could hope. Sean was finally figuring out that he was weak and broken.
“You know, I know Adler,” Sean said after a while. “We’ve had some good conversations. He…they all know you’re a sub, David.”
“Yeah, but I don’t advertise it. The best I can do is try to make it clear how much I hate it.”
“Adler says your work’s improved in the last couple months. You focus better. You have ideas that the rest of the team wouldn’t have come up with.”
“So?”
“So, this isn’t bad for your job, David. It’s good for it. The scenes— what we’ve been doing— they help your body settle down so you can function. It’s not a weakness. It’s just physiology.”
David rubbed his face. He didn’t want to sit here and listen to Sean making excuses for him.
“But you can’t want that,” he muttered. “Having a sub who outranks you? At your own workplace?”
“Well, if I ever get jealous,” Sean said, leaning in and whispering directly into David’s ear, “I’ll always have that little key, on the chain around my neck.”
David felt his face getting red.
“You were serious about that?”
“Mmm,” Sean answered, pressing a kiss to his cheek. It began to dawn on David that this might not be a breakup after all. “Not to mention, from a purely selfish point of view, you make like, three times what I do. We could get a Sybian.”
David felt his throat tightening. He was going to cry again, and he wiped his eyes, trying to cover it up with a laugh.
“You only love me for my ass,” he muttered.
“It is one of your better features,” Sean agreed, leaning in. David turned to meet him, kissing him gently. “I pity the poor bastard who thinks he can walk all over you.”
This time, David laughed for real.
Chapter Eleven
David shoved his hands in his pockets and tried not to fidget.
There were more people than he’d expected.
And it’s not like they didn’t have, you know…friends.
He just didn’t think so many would actually come.
The biggest surprise had been his dad. John hadn’t been too happy when David had called him up to make the announcement. He probably would have been perfectly happy going his whole life and never getting that particular phone call.
“Dad, I’m getting collared.”
John tried to be supportive, but it was pretty clear his heart wasn’t in it. David gave him the time and address and changed the subject.
And then…well, then John met Sean.
John was a pretty big guy, and David too, obviously, but Sean…John had all but gaped when the dom had come downstairs and introduced himself. And things had been awkward for about five minutes while they made small talk and avoided the elephant in the room (So, you’re the guy who spanks my son’s ass, huh?) but then Sean had asked about John’s car and they were off and running.
Turns out Sean had an appreciation for classic vehicles. By the time they left for the ceremony, David was worried that John might adopt him.
David kicked at the dirt and rolled his eyes at the thought of having Sean for a younger brother.
There were a lot of people watching.
David resisted the urge to pull his shirt sleeves down over his markings. It had been six months since the first time he’d dared to go out with short sleeves on, and he still wasn’t used to it. His current sleeves only went down as far as his elbows (Sean had insisted) and David couldn’t help but feel that people were staring.
Not that subs were an odd sight at, you know, a collaring ceremony.
But still…
David glanced around the park, looking for any sign of Sean. He should stand out among the small gathered crowd, but David
couldn’t pick him out. He made a slow meandering circle around the oak tree and hoped no one came to talk to him.
He was sick with nerves just standing here. Luckily, in these ceremonies, the sub wasn’t expected to give a speech. If he’d had public speaking thrown on top of this whole circus, he may actually have died.
“Hey,” he heard Sean say. He looked up to find that his dom had materialized under the tree beside him.
David wished he could say something sappy like ‘he looked into Sean’s eyes and all reservations vanished,’ but that wasn’t what happened. Actually, Sean asked if he was ready, and David nodded mutely and tried not to throw up.
The ceremony itself was an absolute nightmare. Everybody was staring at him. He didn’t know what to do with his hands.
Sean was talking to him— wait, no, this might be the actual speech, now. Sean was promising to cherish and care for him, and David was just nodding dumbly and agreeing with everything he said.
Sean held his hands out expectantly and David realized that they were doing the cuffs now. He shoved his hands toward Sean— a little too eagerly. A couple of people laughed. David’s face turned red and he tried to focus on Sean and the braided leather bracelets that Sean was fastening around his wrists. The cuffs were mostly for show. Only the really traditional sorts of subs wore the cuffs and the collar…but they were part of the ceremony so, here they were.
David had been a little anxious, because Sean had chosen the cuffs alone. David wasn’t allowed to see them until the actual collaring. He’d been worried Sean would go for something gaudy or over-the-top like studded black leather bands, but these were…nice. The leather was a soft chocolate brown, and the clasps were worked gold. They fit snugly around his wrists and out of everything, that made him feel better.