‘And what if he’s got other ideas, Izzi?’
I look up, and I smile slightly. ‘I think, by now, even Mack’s learned how to move on. I’m not going to avoid him, Cora, I can’t. Not if he’s back for good… is he? Back for good?’
‘I don’t know.’
I go over to her and kiss her on the cheek. ‘It’s going to be fine, OK? Come on. Let’s get out of here. It’s a beautiful day outside and this one in here seems to be giving me a few hours off from the constant kicking he’s been indulging in lately. Let me enjoy it while it lasts.’
‘He’s probably kicking ‘cause he’s getting ready to come out.’
‘Get the car keys, Cora, and let’s move it.’
She grabs the keys from the hall table and turns around to look at me. ‘Izzi?’
‘What?’
‘You know I’m gonna be here for you for as long as you need me. You know that, don’t you?’
I smile, and I hug her, and that feeling of everything starting to come together; that darkness I felt after losing Zeb, it’s finally starting to lift, and I have to look forward now. I have to. For our baby’s sake. ‘Yeah, I know. But you might regret saying that when the sleepless nights and the endless diaper changes start taking over our life.’
‘Then we need to make a list of babysitters,’ she winks as she opens the front door. ‘You and me, sister, we ain’t gonna be stay-at-home mommas all of the time.’
Mack
‘You missed this place, huh?’ Hal hands me a beer and smiles as he slaps my shoulder.
‘Not really, no.’ I down a mouthful of beer and take a look around the compound. Some of the brothers are over by the workshop lifting kids onto Harleys while their dads look on and wish they had one of their own. Most of the old ladies are manning the food and drink or painting the faces of those kids who aren’t interested in bikes, and there’s music blasting out and everyone who’s come here today seems quite happy to mingle with the kinda people they’d previously been a touch wary of. The atmosphere’s good, it’s nice. But I know it’s just a front, this place ain’t gone all family-orientated, not really. ‘This your idea?’
Hal leans back against the wall and lights up a cigarette. ‘Gotta keep the women happy.’
I laugh, and he smirks, and yeah, it’s kinda good to be back. ‘Tell me you ain’t gone completely PG-rated.’
‘You were willing to take us in that direction.’
‘Yeah, well, I was messed-up. My head wasn’t in the right place.’
He blows smoke into the air and takes another long drag. ‘Got a few things going down with the Black Dogs.’
I raise an eyebrow. ‘You still doing business with Kes’ old crew?’
‘Sam don’t seem to mind. He’s quite close to their President, got a lot of connections with one of their chapters in L.A. They’re making a lotta money outta weapons coming in from the Far East, apparently. Need more clubs to work with them, spread the load, so to speak.’
‘This chapter need that kinda cash?’
‘We always need that kinda cash, brother.’
I down another mouthful of beer and take another look around.
‘She’s coming today. To help out. She’s gonna be here.’
I turn to face Hal. ‘How is she?’
He shrugs and takes one last drag on his cigarette. ‘Sam not keep you up-to-date?’
‘I didn’t ask.’ I didn’t want to. After I left here, a little after Zeb’s funeral, I guess cutting all ties became the best option. I spent weeks – months – on the road, just riding, stopping off at various Soldiers’ chapters, staying for a few days, partying and fucking and forgetting all the shit I’d left behind; all the what ifs and could’ve beens. Then I’d get back on my bike and ride some place else and do it all over again, but I got tired, after a while. Days just riding, nights of partying and very little sleep; too many women who meant fuck all, I got tired. Eventually. And I guess, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’d subconsciously been counting the months, ‘cause I woke up one day, and I knew. I knew Izzi was about to have her baby. Zeb’s baby. I knew. And now I’m back here, and I’m trying not to let that be the reason I’m back, because it’s got nothing to do with me. I’m trying. But I think I know – that’s exactly why I’m back. I didn’t miss this. I missed her.
‘She’s doing OK, now. We all been looking after her, making sure her and the baby are good. And Cora, she moved in with Izzi, after the funeral.’
‘They a couple?’
‘No, Jesus, Izzi ain’t no way ready for that. She still sleeps in one of Zeb’s shirts that she ain’t washed since he passed. Carries his wedding ring everywhere with her. No, Cora’s just being a friend, is all. She’s helping her, y’know? ‘Cause I think Izzi needed that.’
‘And the baby?’
‘Baby’s fine. Due any day now. Sam’s got everyone on red alert, ain’t no way that girl gonna be alone when that kid comes into this world.’
I finish my beer and look around again. I need to know how she is, how she looks, and then I see her walking through the crowd, laughing and chatting with Cora, and she’s beautiful and quite obviously pregnant in a short black dress and biker boots. Her hair’s a little longer than I remember it, and she’s got her hand on her perfectly rounded bump, and she looks so much more – I don’t know. I don’t know how to put it. She looks like she’s living again.
‘So, you back for good?’
Hal’s voice cuts into my thoughts and I drag my eyes away from Izzi. ‘Maybe.’
‘Be good to have you back, y’know? Lotta water under the bridge now, Mack. A lotta new starts happening.’
I look back over at Izzi. She’s surrounded by some of the Soldiers’ old ladies, and they’re all touching her bump and I guess the ones who are mommas are giving her advice and I watch, and even from where I’m standing I can see a kinda sadness wash over her. She didn’t ask to do this alone, without Zeb, but that’s what she has to do. Yeah, she’ll have all the help she’ll ever need but there’ll always be a part of her that feels alone. And when the hell did I start feeling all this shit again? The second I stepped back inside this compound, that’s when.
‘Yeah. I know.’
I push a hand through my hair and turn back to face Hal.
‘So? You staying this time?’ he asks, biting the top off a bottle of beer.
‘Like I said, Hal. Maybe.’
Izzi
The smell of the burger fills my nostrils and I suddenly realize how hungry I actually am. My appetite seems to have come back with a vengeance and I sit down on the low wall outside the workshop and bite into my cheeseburger, watching Jet and Hal as they lift a little girl and a little boy onto one of the Harleys, and I smile as they tie tiny bandanas round their heads and the kids laugh as the little boy leans forward and tries to grab the handlebars. And my head’s filled with the image of my own little boy – because I’m having a boy, Zeb’s getting a son – as a grown man, riding his own Harley, just like his dad. Because he will, that’s going to happen, if I stay here. And I think I need to do that now; stay here. I have friends, I have Sam, I have a support network, no matter how unconventional that may be. I have people around me who will help me through something I should be going through with Zeb. Because the closer it gets to my baby’s birth, the more painful it becomes because he won’t be there to hold my hand and see our son come into this world. He won’t be there. And that hurts, it really does.
I take another bite of burger and a mouthful of soda as I watch a fresh bunch of kids crowd around the bikes, all of them wanting to sit up on them, and I can’t help smiling as I watch some of the parents’ reactions. They kind of want to sit up on them too, I can tell.
‘Hey, beautiful.’
The sound of his voice still makes me jump slightly, even though I knew it was only a matter of time before I came face to face with him again. I guess I’ve just been avoiding it for as long as I could.
‘Hey yourse
lf.’
I look up as he sits down beside me, takes my burger from me and helps himself to a bite. ‘That’s good. That’s really good.’
I retrieve my burger and throw him a slight smile. ‘I’m eating for two, y’know.’
‘You believe that myth, huh?’
I finish the burger and look back at the crowd of kids and parents outside the workshop. Hal’s started up one of the Harleys now, and it’s not just the kids who are looking on in awe.
‘I miss my bike,’ I sigh, wiping my hands on my napkin before throwing it into the trash.
‘You OK, Izzi? I mean, really OK?’
I don’t turn to face him immediately, because I was quite happy to hide behind that wall of small talk. It felt safe. I don’t actually want to go any place else, not with him. And I’m kind of wishing he hadn’t come back now. ‘I’m fine.’ I look at him, and he seems like a different man. He seems less on edge, less troubled, and I can’t work out why he’d come back here when it was this place that caused all his problems. I caused all his problems. So why is he back? ‘Really.’
‘You look well. Pregnancy suits you.’
I instinctively put a hand on my bump and I flinch slightly and then laugh as the baby gives me an almighty kick. And then I look up at Mack, but his eyes are down on my bump, and he’s got a look of amazement on his face as the baby kicks again, because it’s visible this time. You can actually see the kick happening.
‘Does that hurt?’ he asks, and I smile.
‘Not really. Just gives me a bit of a shock when he does it that hard, that’s all.’
‘He?’ His eyes meet mine, and I nod and smile again.
‘Yeah. I’m having a boy.’
‘A boy, huh?’
His eyes stay locked on mine, and for some reason I can’t explain I take his hand and place it lightly on my bump just as the baby kicks again, and he laughs out loud and splays his fingers as he drops his gaze.
‘Jesus… I mean, I ain’t felt nothing like that before…’
He raises his head and he looks at me, and I’m the one to break the stare. And he gets that, whatever this was, it’s over. And he slowly pulls his hand away and stands up.
‘I promised Sam I’d go help out, with something, so…’
‘Are you staying?’
He drops his gaze again and sticks his hands in his pockets, and I stand up, too.
‘Mack?’
‘I don’t know, Izzi.’ He looks up, and his eyes burn into mine. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing yet.’
‘Why’d you come back here? Didn’t it work out, wherever you were?’
‘It worked out just fine, darlin’, but sometimes constant sex and endless partying can wear a bit thin, y’know?’
I look down, and he reaches out and touches my cheek and I raise my gaze, and he pulls his hand away from my face.
‘I’m sorry, I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I don’t know, why I came back… Jesus, that’s bullshit. Of course I know. I came back because of you. I came back because all those women, all that sex, all that freedom and nothing to do all day but ride and… I came back, because of you, Izzi.’
‘No,’ I whisper, because I don’t want to hear this, I am so not ready, to hear this. I don’t think I ever will be, and images of Zeb are rushing forward now, flooding my brain, and the pain of losing him hits me all over again. And I don’t think I can take it, it hurts way too much. ‘Don’t do this, Mack, don’t tell me that. Don’t.’
I step back from him, and I suddenly just want to get out of here, I want to go home and curl up on the couch and sleep. I don’t want to be here anymore.
‘Izzi…’
I don’t look at him, I don’t turn around. I need to find Cora, get the car keys from her and go home. And when she sees me her face becomes a mask of concern, she’s almost panicking.
‘Izzi? What’s the matter, honey? Is it the baby? Is something wrong?’
‘No, everything’s fine.’ I quickly pull myself together because the last thing I’m in the mood for is questions and a conversation about Mack. I just want to go home. ‘I’m just more tired than I thought I was. You were right. I should be resting.’
She doesn’t look too convinced, but she doesn’t question me, either. ‘OK… Come on, I’ll drive you home.’
‘No, it’s all right. I’ll drive myself. I’m not going to be much company, am I, if I’m going straight to bed. You can get a lift back with one of the guys, can’t you?’
‘Yeah, of course I can, but you really shouldn’t be…’
‘On my own? I’m gonna be fine, Cora. Really. I just want to go to bed, eat ice cream, and watch trash TV.’
She hesitates for a second, but then she finally gives in, fishes the keys from her pocket and hands them over. ‘You sure you’re OK? Because you really shouldn’t be driving…’
I just throw her a look, take the keys and head for the car before she can ask any more questions.
Mack Slayer’s back. And I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that. I don’t really know if I feel anything…
Chapter Twenty-Five
Izzi
‘You’ve really got to calm down in there, kiddo. Your mom would like a little “me” time to eat chocolate cake and ice cream and catch up on some Grey’s Anatomy, in peace. So, you know, a little break from the activity would be good.’
I open the fridge door and clutch my stomach as the strangest sensation cuts through me. And I don’t think that was a kick, I don’t know what it was, but it felt a little odd. I haven’t felt anything like that before. So I wait a second or two to see if it happens again, but it doesn’t. So I grab the cake and venture into the freezer for the ice cream. And I’m just on my way into the living room when there’s a knock at the door, and I let out a heavy sigh. It can’t be Cora, she’s got a key. So’s Sam. And I’m not really in the mood for visitors. But I head out into the hall to see who it is anyway. I’ll just play the tired and frazzled pregnant woman card, that’ll get rid of them.
‘I can’t have you run out on me like that, not without knowing you’re OK.’
I give another heavy sigh, but I don’t invite him in.
‘So? Are you OK?’
‘I’m fine. What’s not OK is everyone fussing around me like I’m made of fucking glass. I just want to be on my own, for an hour or so, is that so hard to understand?’
‘From what I can gather Sam ain’t that keen on you being alone, so if he knew…’
‘That you were here? With me? He’d be over here faster than you could say biker bitch. What do you want, Mack?’
‘I’m sorry, Izzi, OK? For saying what I said back there, my timing – it’s pretty crap.’
‘Did you mean it?’
‘I ain’t gonna lie, am I?’
‘It isn’t fair, Mack. Zeb’s only been dead seven months, and the only reason I have for getting up in the mornings now is this baby. I don’t give a fuck about anything else, I really don’t. Half the time I’m on auto pilot, just going through the motions, and if it wasn’t for my little boy, I’m not sure where I’d be. I was in self-destruct mode after Aiden and my dad died, Jesus, you know that, you were there, and I know – I know that if I’d lost this baby, I think I’d be dead, too. He is the only reason I do anything anymore. Nothing else matters.’
‘But it should. You can’t live like that, Izzi. You can’t shut yourself off like that…’
‘You need to go. I’m fine.’
He puts his foot in the way of the door as I try to close it, and I stare at him.
‘You need to go,’ I repeat, but he doesn’t move. And then that strange sensation happens again, and I step backwards into the hall, and he follows me, closing the door behind him.
‘Izzi?’
‘I’m fine.’ I take a couple of really deep breaths, and the pain subsides. ‘Just go, Mack.’
‘No. No, I ain’t leaving you alone. Come on. I�
��ll make you some tea. You still like tea, right?’
‘Not the way you make it.’
‘Yeah, yeah, less milk, I know. I’ll never understand you Brits…’
I take another deep breath and follow him into the kitchen. ‘You’re still a fucking arrogant bastard, then.’ It’s not a question. Because he is.
‘Never really lost it, sweetheart.’
He fills the kettle and fetches me a mug from the cupboard and I lean back against the counter as I watch this little scene of domestic normality play out, and I feel my heart shatter all over again. Because it should be Zeb here, doing this, making me tea and looking after me. It should be Zeb, not Mack, I don’t want Mack. I want my husband.
‘Izzi?’
I didn’t even realize I was crying, not until he was right up in front of me, wiping my tears away with his thumb. And I push him away, it’s a reflex action; I don’t want him touching me. I want Zeb.
‘Jesus, Izzi, come on, darlin’. You’re upset…’
‘I’m fine. Sometimes I just… I just miss him, so much. Too much. I’m about to have his baby and I… I miss him.’
He bows his head and I feel a small stab of guilt. It isn’t his fault, none of it. And I know he’s only here because he cares, but, it’s confusing. And I don’t want that, I don’t need it. Not now. It’s too late.
And then I feel that strange sensation wash over me again, and I clutch my stomach and look down as a gush of liquid suddenly crashes to the floor and I try not to panic, but this is real now. This is happening.
My waters have just broken.
My baby’s coming.
And I wish with all of my shattered heart that my husband was here…
Mack
Jesus Christ! What the fuck was that?
I look at her, and the panic on her face is very, very real, she’s scared. And I gotta take control here, ‘cause I don’t think she’s in any fit state right now.
‘Mack…’
‘It’s OK, baby. It’s all right, we’re gonna get you to the hospital…’
Betrayed (Soldiers of Darkness MC Book 2) Page 24