I watch as he heads over to the large truck parked in the compound and starts talking to Hal and Franky, Hal’s Sargeant-at-Arms.
‘What’s going on over there?’ I ask Sam as he sits down beside me.
Sam looks over, but he doesn’t say anything at first. So I look at him, and take Milo back from him.
‘Sam?’
‘Club business, Izzi. You know how it is. A few of the guys are going out of town for a couple of days, that’s all.’
‘Why?’
He narrows his eyes slightly, and all of a sudden Granddaddy Sam disappears and the real Sam comes back to the forefront. ‘You don’t need to know the details. You know the way it works, Izzi, you don’t need it explaining.’
‘Is this dangerous?’
‘Like I said…’
‘Is it dangerous, Sam?’
‘Izzi…’
‘No, hang on. You’ve just spent ten minutes, in there, telling me I should start a relationship with Mack, for the sake of my son, even though you know I’m still grieving for my husband. You stood there, and you did that, and you know how much losing Zeb hurt. You know I can’t go through that kind of pain again, not anymore, I really can’t, and yet, you think it’s a good idea to throw me straight into something that means I could lose someone, in that way, all over again? Before anything’s even had a chance to start?’
‘It’s already started, Izzi.’
I’m confused now. And I’m angry, and I don’t want to feel angry. I’m done with that, it’s too exhausting. ‘I’m going home. Come on, baby. We’re out of here.’
‘Izzi.’
His voice is a touch too commanding, and it stops me in my tracks and I turn back around, despite myself.
‘Zeb wouldn’t want you to be alone.’
‘I’m not sure me shacking up with his cousin is what he’d have in mind, either, do you?’
He just looks at me, but I really am done here.
‘I’ll see you later, OK?’
I lay Milo back in his stroller and we head out of the compound, I don’t even acknowledge Mack on my way out. I just keep walking until we’re back out on the street, and only then do I stop, just for a second, to look at my son. I won’t let him down, and it kills me that Sam could even think I might do that. Why? Because I’m not giving Milo some kind of subsititute dad? Like Sam is with me? And do I hate that that’s what he’s become? Am I fighting it? Am I pushing him away, or wishing he wasn’t doing what he does for me? Do I not need him now?
I continue walking until we reach Zeb’s tattoo studio. Ryder, another Soldiers of Darkness brother has taken it over now. But it still looks the same. Nobody’s changed anything about it and I love them for that. I still need reminders of the man who messed me up and loved me ‘til he died. I still need that. But am I going to spend the rest of my life living on memories? Can I really do that? Is that fair on me? Is it fair on Milo?
I look back down into the stroller, and he’s asleep now, his tiny arms flung up over his head, his mouth slightly open and I feel a shot of pain pierce my heart. I wish his daddy were here, I really do. I wake up wishing that, and I go to bed every night hoping that, when I wake up, he’ll be there. But he’s never going to be. Zeb’s gone. And I thought I was moving on, I really did. But maybe I’m not. Maybe I haven’t. But maybe I need to…
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Mack
Road trips can be a blast, and this one was no exception. Three days we were out there, driving all day and stopping off at night to drink and fuck and party. We had women throwing themselves at us, and I took ‘em all, every one of them, and I felt no fucking pain.
But we’re back now. I hate to say it, but The Black Dogs and us, we work well together. We want the same things, we get shit done the same way, we got the same fucked-up morals. And we’re gonna make each other one hell of a lot of money. I feel more alive than I’ve felt in fucking years, man, I am freakin’ back!
‘I can handle this one, Mack. You don’t need to come with us tonight, take a break. You did the hard work, I can see to the hand over.’
I light up a cigarette and stare Hal down. ‘I start something, I finish it, Hal. You got that?’
‘Just thought you might want some time out.’
I narrow my eyes and stare him down even further. He better not be starting something ‘cause I ain’t in no mood for that shit. ‘I don’t need no fucking time out, what the fuck you talking about?’
He shrugs, and I can see it. He’s starting something. ‘Thought you might want to spend some time with Izzi, is all.’
I take a drag on my cigarette and laugh. ‘Yeah. You think bringing Izzi up is gonna mess me up again, don’t you? I’m coming for your throne, brother, and I think you’re scared I’m actually gonna take it.’ I stub my cigarette out on the side of the truck and drop it to the ground. ‘But, y’know, I ain’t gonna do that, not straightaway. You’re doing a good job, brother. This chapter is actually working, it’s a good place to be. And I know I gotta lot of respect to earn back so, no, I ain’t coming for you right now. But I am. Coming for you. For your seat at the head of that table, anyway.’ I move further into his space, until I’m right up in his face. ‘And as for me and Izzi… there is no me and Izzi. You got that? So you throwing her at me hoping she’s gonna become some kinda distraction – those days are over, brother. I been there and I done that and all I want now is my club back. So you continue looking after it, but hear this – it’s on loan. But, hey, y’know what? You’re gonna make a great V.P.’ I slap him on the shoulder and throw him a grin before I walk away, towards my bike. I’ve got somewhere I need to be. And I’m right, those days of Izzi being a distraction are long gone. She ain’t gonna do that – be that no more. She ain’t gonna have the chance…
Izzi
If someone said to me a couple of years ago – before I fell in love with Zeb; in the middle of all the messed-up shit he taught me while I sought my twisted rebtribution. If someone had said to me that I’d be helping set up a playgroup for not just biker moms and their babies, but moms in the community as a whole, in the building next to Zeb’s tattoo studio, I’d have laughed in their faces. The woman I’d been back then had no capacity to feel or channel emotion in any way other than wrong. She was broken. And Zeb, in his own, fucked-up way, he fixed me. He gave me purpose. He gave me my beautiful little boy. And then he broke me all over again by dying, and if it hadn’t have been for Milo I wouldn’t have wanted to be fixed again. I’d have stayed broken. I’d have wanted to be with Zeb. But I’m still here, because of my baby. And he’s given me so much focus. He’s all I need.
Cora’s got him today, though – Milo. She really is his other mommy, and that’s how he sees her. Because that’s what she is. She’s my guardian fucking angel, I know that much. The two of them, they’re having a mom and baby day at home. Cora’s cut back on her shifts at Six since Milo arrived, she’s dancing a lot less now. She doesn’t enjoy it so much these days. Yeah. That little boy’s managing to change everyone around him, and I smile as I think about him. And then my heart aches a little bit, as it does every day, when I think about how much Zeb would’ve loved him. How much Milo would’ve loved Zeb. And maybe his life isn’t going to be the one he would’ve had if his daddy was still alive, but he’s going to have a good life. I’ll make sure of that.
I stand back and cock my head slightly as I survey the wall I’ve just painted. I haven’t done too bad a job, considering I’ve never decorated before in my life. But this is something the club and the community are doing together. Me and the other moms – the other old ladies – we’re doing this together. And it’s gonnna be our place. The men can have their clubhouse, we’ll have our own hang-out.
‘You do all that yourself?’
I swing around and he’s standing there, all arrogance and attitude. ‘What’re you doing here? I thought you were all busy with some job you got going down.’
‘We are.’
�
��So, you’re here, why?’
‘You on your own?’
‘I wasn’t. I am now. Everyone’s gone to pick up their kids or go see to their men. I said I’d finish up here, give the place a bit of a clean. Cora’s got Milo, so… What’re you doing here, Mack?’
Because he hasn’t come to pick up a paintbrush and help, I know that much. And I keep my eyes on him as he moves towards me, and I take a step back because I’m confused now. Or maybe I’m not, maybe I know what’s happening here and I’m just trying to back away from the inevitable because it’s too soon. I’m not ready, it’s too fucking soon… But then his hand cups my cheek and he pushes me back against the wall, his mouth touching mine, and I raise a knee and thrust it so hard into his groin he staggers backwards.
‘Jesus fucking Christ!’
‘You arrogant son-of-a-bitch! You think you know what I want, huh? You think you can just walk in here and assume that, because we get on OK now; because my son actually likes you… because you’ve been good to us, and I’m grateful, Mack, I really am. But this is not what I want.’
He stands upright, and he looks at me, and I can see it in his face – he’s sorry. ‘This makes so much sense, Izzi.’
‘Does it? Zeb didn’t even like you, Mack.’
‘He respected me.’
‘So, what? That makes it all right for me to sleep with you?’
‘It makes fucking sense, darlin’. You ain’t leaving the confines of this club, you said so yourself, and there ain’t no-one else here who’s gonna make you feel anything again…’
I laugh out loud, because his arrogance is breathtaking. ‘Jesus…’
He strides back over to me, and he’s right up in my face but I don’t move, I don’t step back, I don’t even flinch. ‘There ain’t nobody else gonna look after you the way I can. That baby, I’ll love him like he was my own…’
‘He isn’t yours.’
‘I’ll never be Zeb, and I ain’t even gonna try and replace him. But there ain’t nobody else gonna love you the way I can, Izzi. Because I’ve never fucking stopped, darlin’. I’ve had years of fucking practice, and, yeah, I’ll still make mistakes, we both will, and we’ll fight and hate each other and you’ll throw me out, so I’m keeping that room at the clubhouse…’
‘Get out. Now.’
I want him to stop talking. I don’t want him to say any more, I want him to stop talking. ‘I ain’t done yet, sweetheart.’
‘Yeah. You are. Get out.’
He looks at me. Right at me. And I feel something, I do, it’s there, but I don’t know what it is and I don’t welcome it. I’m not fucking ready. So when he holds up his hands and backs out of the door I let the relief swamp me. I’m not ready. And after that, I’m not sure I ever will be.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Mack
Now the sun’s gone down it’s colder. And the air’s heavy with the threat of rain, I think a storm might be on the way, so the sooner we get this handover done the better. And it’s just me and Hal. Only two, no more, they said. And one of us had to be the President. He’s the only one they’ll hand the money over to. The Black Dogs are doing their handover at the same time, that’s the way this Russain crew wanted it, and I ain’t completely happy about that, but I just want it over with now. I need a drink and a shower and some real fucking sleep ‘cause I ain’t had none of that in freakin’ days.
‘We nearly there yet?’
I look over at Hal. ‘How old are you? Fucking six?’
‘I’d just rather get there before this storm blows in. Heard it might be a big one.’
‘You scared of a bit fucking wind?’
‘Just drive, Mack. I gotta bad feeling about this, so, the sooner we get this shit out the back of the truck, get the money, and get back to the clubhouse the better.’
‘Jesus. Who died and made you a prize wuss?’
He lights up a cigarette and ignores me. ‘You said you’d dealt with Russians before.’
‘Yeah. So?’
‘You recognize any of this lot we’re meeting with?’
‘Names don’t ring any bells, no. But any dealings I had with anyone coming outta the Soviet Union were a long time ago.’
‘They pay up?’
‘Always. Never had any trouble on that score… Hal, what the fuck is wrong with you?’
He’s looks down at his phone, and he says nothing for a beat or two, but I need to look at the road now. We need to turn off in a second.
‘Turn around.’
‘Huh?’ What the fuck is he doing now?
‘Turn around, Mack.’
‘Jesus, Hal…’
‘The Black Dogs’ handover, it’s gone south. Jed’s been hurt… they’ve got fucking guns…’
‘So’ve we… Hal, what the fuck…?’
The sound of gunshots rings out, filling the air; rounds of bullets being fired, and the truck skids across the road as the tyres are blown, one by one, and I’m trying desperately to control it, but it’s fucking hard, it’s taking all the strength I’ve fucking got…
Izzi
He’s sleeping through the thunder, which is more than I can do. I tried getting my head down the second Milo closed his eyes but it’s no good. And it’s not just the thunder that’s keeping me awake, it’s Mack. What he did today, what he said… I’m really not ready, and I just wish he could’ve respected that.
I turn away from the window and rake my hands back through my hair, sighing quietly. Cora’s at Six tonight, and Sam’s at the clubhouse, so it’s just me and Milo. But he’s still asleep, so it really does feel like it’s just me here. Alone.
I go over to the sideboard and open up a drawer, pulling out a photo album, and I head over to the couch and sit down, crossing my legs up underneath myself as I open it. It’s full of photos of Zeb, and me, and I smile as I look at them. And then the memories flood my brain, and the pain rushes forward again at a breathtaking pace and I feel the tears stream down my face, clouding my vision.
‘Why’d you have to leave me, you selfish fucking bastard,’ I whisper, running my fingers over a photo of Zeb. And he’s smiling, and he never really showed that smile much to anyone else, but I saw it, a lot. He smiled for me, and I miss him so much I really don’t think I’m ever going to get over it. Maybe I don’t want to.
I close the album and put it to one side, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I can’t be doing this, feeling this, forever, but it’s like an uphill struggle I just don’t want to face yet; I can’t do it.
It’s just me and Milo against the world now. And we’re going to be strong, we’re going to be fighters, because that’s what his daddy would want us to be. We don’t need nobody else, we’re fine just the way we are. And we’ll get there. Eventually…
Mack
I told him to play dead, to just lie there and not fucking move ‘cause I got this. Yeah, we’ve been done over, and that ain’t something that sits right with me, but they fucked over the Black Dogs, too, so they made enemies outta two crews that ain’t gonna let that go. But right now, I’m gonna see what the fuck I can salvage from this.
I head round the side of the truck and I watch as four men with automatic rifles slung over their shoulders unload the weapons from our truck onto one of their own. And I ain’t taking this shit, what the fuck have I got to lose? This is my fucking club, and I ain’t gonna see it turn into a place nobody’s gonna do business with ‘cause we took one bad piece of advice. Someone’s to blame, and I’ll find out who, and I’ll freakin’ end the fuckers, but right now, I ain’t taking this shit. And if I have to die protecting this chapter then so be it. Like I said, I got nothing to lose.
‘You guys wanna a receipt for those?’
They all turn to look at me, their weapons raised in an instant, but I’ve got my hands up. I ain’t gonna even try and shoot four guys holding those fucking guns… Yeah. Like shit I’m gonna stand here and talk ‘em round. I’m quicker than they give me credit for, and
OK, one got me in the side, they got a rib there, maybe two, I ain’t counting. I don’t give a fuck about the pain, but the one thing I’ve always been is one hell of a shot, when I need to be be. And as two of them go down thanks to single bullets to the head, I pull another gun from my pocket, and even though I’m dodging and ducking and kicking out, ‘cause these two bastards are fucking determined, I get one of them in the thigh, right on the artery, and he’s down and crying out like a freakin’ girl, and that distracts his partner. And I take that opportunity to fire a bullet into the back of his head and I smile as he falls to the ground.
Keeping the guns in my hands I stay still for a second, squinting through the pouring rain that’s lashing down and I survey the scene, ‘cause I was working on pure auto-pilot there, I know I was. I didn’t have time to think, didn’t have time to format a plan, I just did what I had to do and hoped to God I came out of it with some chance of survival.
I step over two of the bodies and kick a third out of the way as I reach the one survivor, but he ain’t gonna stay that way for long. The blood’s pumping outta him so fast it’s like a fountain of red shit spraying the scene, he’s gonna bleed out any second now. So I gotta be quick.
‘Name.’
I kick his leg and he howls in pain, but that howl turns weak real fast ‘cause he’s going, the life’s slowly draining outta him.
‘Fucking name, jackass. Now. Who did this, huh? Who fucked me and the Black Dogs over? ‘Cause I know your death’s coming, brother, but I can make those final few seconds a hell of a lot worse than they already gonna be.’
He stares up at me, and he says nothing, and I kick him again, I stamp down on his leg so hard his screams can probably be heard way back over there in town, so I crouch down and shove the butt of my gun in his mouth, cocking my head as I grin in his face. ‘Keep the noise down, OK? We don’t wanna be alerting no law enforcement now, do we?’ I pull the gun out and keep my boot firmly down on his leg, but he’s close to dying now. The life’s almost been snuffed outta him for good and I need a fucking name. So I crouch down again and reach into his pocket, pulling out his wallet and opening it up, and my hunch is right. All bad guys have a soft side, and he ain’t no exception. I pull out the photo of a pretty blonde girl and a dark-haired little boy and I make him look at it. ‘They yours?’ I don’t wait for an answer, I ain’t got time. ‘Name. Now.’
Betrayed (Soldiers of Darkness MC Book 2) Page 26