by Cat Miller
FOUR
Seven years later.
“Grace Yates’ office.” Grace’s administrative assistant and friend, Daniel, answered the phone as she entered the outer office. Daniel watched her with concern in his pretty brown eyes.
Grace had been at Stein and Watson for seven long and very stressful years. After accepting a coveted externship at the successful financier straight out of college, Grace packed up her things and moved north to the Big Apple. She hadn’t even taken any time off after graduation. She shied away from thoughts of her reasons for jumping in with both feet and never looking back. That was a long time ago and she’d wallowed in her sadness over love lost for too long already.
She’d just left a meeting with the executive board that had her reeling. In the high pressure world of New York finance there was no time to feel shock or pride in a job well done. You just keep moving onto the next client, the next investment, and the next opportunity for profit. You didn’t get a pat on the back from the higher ups when you brought in a huge contract with a new client or turned a great investment for an established customer. It was all part of the job and your thanks for a job well done came when your cut of the profit was direct deposited into your bank account on pay day.
When Grace was called to the executive suite for a conference she was surprised and dismayed. You didn’t get called to the carpet by old man Watson unless you were about to get canned. Both she and Daniel had a little panic attack when Shelly, who was Mr. Watson’s secretary –most secretaries preferred to be called administrative assistants, but Mr. Watson was old school¸ so his secretary was a damn secretary, not an assistant– called to request she attend an impromptu meeting of the board. Grace was racking her brain for anything she may have done or said to bring the wrath of the board down on her head. It felt like a death march when she calmly made her way to the elevator and up two floors to the executive level. It was a shock when the combined executive board offered Grace a promotion to junior executive. She still couldn’t believe it. She’d been mentally boxing up her belongings and preparing to be dismissed for some unknown offense. Now she was supposed to box up her things for a different reason. Her office would be moving up to the dreaded executive suite.
Grace had landed a client several other agencies were gunning hard to acquire. She’d accomplished it with no real effort on her part. One of her clients was thrilled with her work on his account and he’d raved about her to his friend. That friend happened to be newly transplanted to New York and the CEO of an up and coming whole food chain that was rapidly spreading through upper middle class neighborhoods across the country. The man had lots of money to invest and he needed help with that and the creation of viable tax shelters. Grace hadn’t even tried to hook the account. It just fell into her lap. She worked hard to build solid relationships with her clients and it was paying off. She was making big money for her clients and her firm.
Daniel looked up at her with the phone to his ear when he mouthed, “Rick,” with a question in his eyes.
Grace shook her head vigorously and moved past Daniel’s desk and into the sanctuary of her darkened office. She couldn’t deal with Rick when her mind was swimming with all of the possibilities this promotion would bring to her door. She would gain so much by accepting this position, but she would lose a lot too. The increase in salary and the commission would be enough to make most people take the job without further consideration. As it was, Grace had little time for a life outside of the office. She had dinner once a week with Luke on Friday nights. They keep in touch via text and phone a few times a week. If she became a junior executive what precious time she did have would fade quickly.
She’d been dating Rick for over a year and things were going well. That is until Rick began to push for more from their relationship. Grace had limited time to devote to dating so Rick was perfect for her. He was a very attractive man who also had a high pressure job that took up much of his time. The sex was great and Rick was comfortable to be around. When they were together they made the most of the time they had and there was no fuss or argument if either of them couldn’t make it for whatever reason.
The guy she’d been dating before Rick was a needy, possessive nightmare who liked to pop in on her at work and during dinner meetings. She’d cut him loose after he suggested they move in together and she find a job working less hours. That way she’d have time for running their home. Yeah, right buddy! I didn’t get a degree just so I could do your laundry and get dinner on the table by five every night.
Rick was nothing like that guy, but suddenly he wanted to change the rules of their relationship. He wanted them to live together so they could test the waters of a more permanent relationship. He hadn’t come out and asked her to marry him, thank God because she’d hate to have to turn him down, but it was clear Rick’s mind was moving in that direction. And why shouldn’t it be? He was a handsome, confident thirty-five year old successful man who could have any number of women begging to be his bride. Grace suspected he probably did. She was beginning to think he was ready for a family. Sadly, Grace wasn’t. She cared about Rick and the inevitable break-up would hurt her, but not enough to make her want to risk her privacy and individuality to become Mrs. Richard Blake.
Grace flopped down in her high backed red leather chair. She had bigger fish to fry today. Rick would have to wait. She surveyed the interior of her office. There were days that little square office with its beige walls and view of the adjacent high-rise building was the only view she had to speak of. Occasionally, Luke would show up and eat lunch at her desk with her. That was always nice, but usually Daniel would fetch her lunch and bring coffee right to her desk while Grace concentrated on counting her beans. She had to smile at the memory those words evoked. She did love her equally spaced and perfectly stacked piles of beans.
The dark polish of her desk usually felt like the anchor. Her focus and drive came to life behind the expanse of its cherry wood finish. Today for some reason her desk felt like a weight that might drown her if she sat there any longer. Grace folded her arms on the desk and laid her head down for a moment. Tears filled her eyes but she refused to let them fall. This was her dream come true, dammit! This is why she worked through college instead of partying. This is why she followed her best career opportunity to New York, instead of following her heart to Seattle. She would be a junior executive for a prominent investment banker at twenty-eight. So why wasn’t she happy? Why did it feel like she was being suffocated?
The door to her office opened but Grace didn’t lift her head. Daniel would worry if he saw her so uncharacteristically frazzled. He was probably already frantic with worry over what had happened upstairs, but she couldn’t talk about it yet.
“Hold all of my calls, Daniel. And if Rick calls again tell I’m in meetings all day. I can’t handle any more pressure right now.” She said into her folded arms. Someone cleared their throat, and it wasn’t Daniel. Grace quickly wiped her eyes and lifted her head to find Rick standing in front of her desk. Fuck!
Daniel was by the door looking guilty. “I’m sorry, boss,” he apologized and glared at the back of Rick’s head, looking like he was ready and very willing to call for security to haul Rick away. “He wouldn’t take no for an answer. I explained that you had a full day and weren’t to be disturbed.”
Daniel looked so worried for her. It warmed Grace’s heart. She counted Daniel and his husband, Tom, among her very few friends. She was sure he would grill her later. For now she had an agitated looking Rick to deal with. Grace nodded reassuringly to Daniel and he backed out of the room, quietly shutting the door as he went.
Grace turned her attention to Rick. She had no idea why he was there and she didn’t really know what to say. So she waited for him say whatever it was he’d come to her office to say. Rick took a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk and just stared at her for a moment. The look of concentration on his face made her feel like he was he trying to read her mind. Like maybe
if he looked long enough one of those conversation bubbles from the cartoon pages in the paper would appear over her head to reveal all of her inner thoughts. It obviously wasn’t working. She sat back in her seat with a deep sigh. This wasn’t going to end well, but she had a feeling it was going to end. That made her sad, but not sad enough to bend to Rick’s wishes for them to live together.
“So tell me, Grace. What are we doing here? Why can’t you take my calls?” he asked. The man looked so dejected. Dammit. She didn’t want to do this now. Grace already felt like her head would split open.
“I had a rather unexpected meeting with the executives. I’m still recovering from the shock of it to be honest.” She tried to divert his attention for the moment. He just blinked at her.
“Exactly how am I adding to your stress level? I’d think of all people you’d want to talk to me, whether your day was going shitty or not. I mean, isn’t that what couples do? They support each other, right?” Rick seemed to be deflating before her eyes.
“Rick, I really can’t do this now . . .” she started, but he cut her off.
“Do you want to be with me or not, Grace? I’m tired of dancing around the subject with you. I get the distinct feeling you’ve been avoiding me ever since I brought up moving in together.” He started out sounding angry, but ended sounding defeated.
“I’m just not ready to take such a big step, Rick.”
“Alright, when do you think you will be?” He leaned forward to rest his arms on his knees.
“I just don’t . . . I don’t know.” Grace didn’t know what to say. She cared about Rick, she cared a lot actually. But she didn’t know if she would ever be ready to take the next step. It was unfair of her to expect him to wait for a time that might never come. She was just about to tell him that when he rose swiftly from his seat and strode to the closed office door.
“We’ve been together for over a year, Grace. That’s long enough to know if you want to be my wife or not.” Rick choked on the end of his statement and tears filled his eyes. Grace was stunned. She just stared at him with her mouth agape. He’d said wife. That was the first time he’d ever mentioned anything about marriage. Grace’s mouth opened and shut a few times but she couldn’t get anything past the lump in her throat. She hadn’t known Rick was quite this serious about their relationship. If she had, she would have ended it long before now.
“You don’t need to say anything, Grace. It’s written all over your face. If you don’t know how much I love you, if you couldn’t feel it, then you never will. If you aren’t ready now, you never will be.” He angrily swiped at his eyes to remove the moisture.
“You never said you loved me, Rick. Not once,” she finally replied. It was a shitty reply, but it was all she had at the moment.
“I just did. And it still didn’t make a damn bit of difference to you, did it?” he asked. She had no answer. She didn’t want to hurt him but that seemed unavoidable now, because she couldn’t give him the words in return.
“I’d tell you that I hope you find the man you need one day, but I won’t. I hate him, whoever he is. I hate that that man isn’t me.” Rick opened the door and turned away. He paused on the threshold and whispered, “Goodbye, Grace.” And then Rick was gone, forever.
****
The bedside phone woke Grace at 10am. It was Sunday, which was the only day she slept in, but even this hour was late for her. She hadn’t been sleeping well lately. Her break up with Rick and the need to make a decision at work looming over her head made for a poor night’s rest. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes. No one but her parents ever called her home phone and she knew neither of them would call this early on a Sunday. Dread suddenly filled her as she reached for the wireless phone. The fear that something was wrong at home shook her fully awake.
“Hello.” Her voice was raspy with sleep when she answered. It was quiet for a beat before the caller spoke.
“Hello. I’m trying to reach Grace Yates,” a man asked politely.
The air in Grace’s lungs froze in place. She knew that voice, even after all of this time. She would know that voice if he called her a hundred years from now. It was Jack Landry. Grace couldn’t seem to get the air in her lungs to move again. She stared at her reflection in the mirror of her dressing table and noted that she looked as stunned as she felt. She hadn’t spoken to Jack in years. After college he’d made an effort to keep in touch with Grace. He’d even invited her to fly out to visit him a few times in those two years, but she always declined. At the time, her raw emotions wouldn’t allow her to spend any length of time with Jack. Eventually he stopped reaching out to her. Grace had felt a strange sense of relief. Every time he called it would open her wounds again. Every time he begged her to come see him it became harder and harder to say no. It had been four or five years since she’d heard a word from the man.
“Hello?” Jack said. “Are you still there?”
“Yes.” Grace cleared her throat. “I’m sorry. I was asleep when you called, Jack. This is Grace.”
Then it was Jack’s turn to be silent. Grace gave him a moment before saying, “Did I lose you?”
“No. I’m here. Sorry, it’s just kind of wonderful to hear your voice after so long.” He coughed and Grace had the feeling he hadn’t meant to blurt out that admission. “I called because I’m in town, in New York that is, and I was wondering if we could get together.”
Jack was here, in New York? Grace swallowed hard and tried to calm her pounding heart. Yes, she had been in love with Jack. Yes, he had crushed her tender heart. But that was a long time ago. She was an adult for God’s sake! She could see him now and it wouldn’t affect her at all. She could. And if she kept telling herself that lie maybe it would become the truth. Grace took a deep breath. She would meet Jack for a cup of coffee, they would catch up for a bit, and he would head back to the west coast, the other side of the country, where he belonged. As far away from Grace as possible.
“Sure, Jack, how about we catch up over coffee?” Coffee was good. They could meet in a busy place and chat. Grace would have a latte but Jack would order chai, because he didn’t like coffee. The fact that she still remembered that was kind of sad.
“I have a meeting in thirty and I’m flying out this evening. Can you do lunch at Houndstooth on 8th and 36th, say one o’clock?” he sounded so hopeful.
Grace could never tell Jack no. Well except for when she’d refused to share him . . . and when she’d changed her mind about moving to Seattle . . . and every time he asked her to visit. So she supposed she did have the ability to say no. But did she have the will to say no when he was so close? It was only lunch. It was lunch in a busy British style pub at that. She knew the place well. Grace had taken clients there for drinks from time to time. It was a nice place with a relaxed atmosphere and the fish and chips were awesome. The Houndstooth was just as good as a coffee shop. There would be a big lunch crowd, even on Sunday. So it wouldn’t be intimate at all.
A few hours later Grace stood outside of the Houndstooth adjusting the strap of her favorite powder blue sun dress and praying she wouldn’t vomit on the side walk. Her nerves were shot. After hanging up with Jack she’d showered and obsessed over what she should wear. It was a hot day in Manhattan so she selected something light. The dress was something she would wear on any given Sunday, so she could tell herself she hadn’t chosen it just for him. He may have broken her heart, but Grace was still a proud woman. Looking your best could be like armor against your insecurities. It had taken her a long time after Jack to re-enter the dating pool. The experience had left Grace feeling inadequate. She knew it was all in her head and Jack never intended to hurt her, but there it was and her self-esteem had taken a hit. So she’d taken extra time with her make-up and twisted her hair into an easy but stylish up-do. She didn’t want to be seen as lacking, again.
Grace laughed at herself. She was being ridiculous. Jack was probably happily married with 2.5 kids and a dog by now. Maybe he married Victor and t
hey’d adopted. Maybe he found the woman of his dreams. Grace had no idea. She took a deep breath and blew it out. Jack was in town for business. He reached out to an old girlfriend to have lunch. That was it. It had nothing to do with their past. She smiled to herself. It was going to be wonderful to see him. Even if it broke her heart all over again to listen to Jack talk about his wonderful family, Grace would be genuinely pleased for him. Jack was a good man. He deserved every happiness the fates could provide.
She was beginning to think Jack was standing her up when one-thirty rolled around and there was still no sign of him. She’d been so flustered by his call that she hadn’t thought to ask him for his number. She decided to go in and have a drink . . . a very strong drink. She’d just pulled open the door to enter the pub when she heard her name called in that familiar deep voice that replayed in her dreams.
“Grace!”
Jack was coming around the corner at a hurried clip. Grace took him in from head to toe and her foolish heart did exactly what she feared it would do, it leapt with hope and longing all over again. He was just as handsome as she remembered, even more so now. He was broader through the chest and maybe even a little taller than she remembered. Jack looked a little untidy in a way that was unlike him with his hair in disarray, his tie loosened and the top button of his shirt undone. She supposed if he’d run to meet her in this heat he would be mussed.
Jack didn’t slow down as he approached her; instead he swept Grace up into his arms and hugged her to his chest. Grace wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight. Her feet dangled as Jack swayed a bit with her in his arms. She giggled, delighted by the warm reception and her heart became buoyant in her chest.
“I’ve missed you so fucking much, Gracie,” he said into her hair.