“Fuck you, bitch!” I yell to the girl in the photograph, knowing she meant something to Mateo. He wouldn’t have some goddamn girl in a frame for nothing.
I hate her. I hate him and I hate myself for not being enough. I rip her picture from the frame and throw it to the ground, watching it shatter. I take the photo out and tear it to pieces, screaming at the top of my lungs, then settle on my naked knees. Laughter takes over my cries as I look around his once immaculate living space. It is in such disarray, if he didn’t want to kill me before, maybe this will push him over the edge now. All the hair from the jars is mixed with the others in the middle of the floor; he couldn’t possibly put the strands back to their rightful owners again.
Cackles fill my lungs as I fall over laughing, then I let the tears of madness devour me once again. I bang my hands on the floor, welcoming the pain that is shooting down my arms.
“Why?” It’s all I can yell. “Why am I not enough for you?”
I continue to pray to a made-up God as the clink of the lock turns. My heart drops to my belly. My tears instantly stop and my evil smile disappears as I look up, watching the knob turn in slow motion. Commands are inevitable and I find myself wishing for them. Mateo walks in, nostrils flared and palms clenched. He is angry, so fucking angry and it makes me hot as hell. My belly dances to life with lust and want while I watch his fingers make their way to his belt buckle. But something tells me I am not in for loving, no. Lettie has been a bad girl and will be punished.
Mateo
Broken things are never whole, shattered pieces cannot be replaced.
One is always missing.
I feel my fists tighten as the rage coils within me. I am going to kill her. You can’t. I want to. I loosen my belt with visions of beating her. My mind wars with itself as I see her sitting in the ruins of everything I hold dear to me, my life splintered into small pieces on the floor around her. She might as well have killed me. I look at the bare top shelf and I see that Ophelia is gone too. Nothing could stop me, all rational thought has left my mind, and blind unbridled rage has consumed me. Yet my feet remain planted in one spot; I cannot move to the wreckage.
Her eyes look up and meet mine, the same shame that would bring tears to a naughty child’s eyes shimmers in hers, and she knows she has done wrong. I wish she knew just how fucking wrong. I want her to understand what she has done to me, she is killing me, ripping my heart out. As I search the debris around her, my eyes scour for those black strands that mean everything to me. Her picture, her beautiful face is torn to ribbons, I feel myself tearing too. Tearing between Ophelia and Lettie, the two halves battle against each other. I cannot have them both, I have to let one go, and right now I want to murder Lettie and sit there clutching onto the last little remnants of my love. Love is love and I love Lettie, too.
“What have you done you stupid, stupid girl?” I yell down at her as I step closer so that I am towering over her. She just looks at me with wide eyes. No answer slips out of her pretty mouth as she just looks at me.
“Why, Lettie?” I yell louder. Her lip quivers as if she wants to cry, but she won’t let herself. My anger cannot be contained any longer, I reach down and pull her by her hair out of the havoc she has created. She fights, kicks and screams, but I don’t even hear it over the boiling anger in my head.
“Why, Lettie?” I keep yelling at her as I drag her back to the bedroom. What has she done? All my love lies in ruins on the floor and I need to put it back together. She scrapes along the floors behind me as I stomp like a Neanderthal. Eventually as I throw her into the room she breaks, the tears rolling down her cheeks and she shakes. I pull my belt lose, and with one swift action I lash it across her naked back. The red welts are coming to life.
“Why, Lettie?” I chant over and over, every single one matched with the crack of my belt on her skin. No words answer me, just wailing cries. After countless lashes, my rage has not been dampened at all and her steel resolve hasn’t cracked even a little. She is so hardened that my physical violence doesn’t affect her at all. In a moment of looking in her teary eyes, I know how to break my sweet Lettie. “Why, stupid girl? Why when I love you so?” Love is not a feeling, love is weapon and I know exactly how to wield it. I drop the belt and caress her cheek, letting my hand soothe the welts I have made on her skin as I lift her to her feet.
She looks at me with shame and sorrow in her eyes, but also a fire, a fight that wasn’t there before. “You left me, Mateo. You left me and I went mad.” She whispers in soft voice that would have sent Caesar straight off the deep end. “I don’t want you to love them, I want you to love me. You left. Not me, you!” Her voice is full of fury as she accuses me.
“I should leave you for good because of what you did, Lettie.” I couldn’t even if I wanted to but I threaten her anyway. She steps away from me and tries to grab her clothing off my rumpled bed. “No!” I bark at her. “Go stand in the corner, Lettie. Stand there while I try to put my life back together.” I point to the corner of the room. She looks at me with hesitation, “Go now, face the wall and think about your stupid selfish actions. Everything I ever loved was in those jars, Lettie. You have shattered my life and I cannot face you now. Right now I hate you.” She hangs her head in shame and faces the wall in the corner. I love her, but I hate what she is doing to my life. I can hear her crying as I turn to leave the room. She should cry.
When I get back to the destruction in my living space, I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs as the life leaves me. There is no way I will ever be able to sort the hairs and return them. Only Ophelia’s hair was bound by a small elastic band, so I can rescue just the one. I feel my heart breaking, sadness replacing the anger. I will have to start over, from the beginning. I cannot explain my need for these mementos, I just have to have them. I cannot be without them.
***
After sweeping away my love and putting it all in a bag, I return to Lettie, who is still standing in the corner with her back to me. The mess my belt left is glowing red on her skin. She never even once begged me to stop, she just took every single lash. Hurting her will not break her down, so I have to find a better way to crack her open and make her bleed. Her eyes are boring holes in my bedroom wall as she glares unblinking at it; she just stands there. This girl will do anything I say if she thinks I love her. Anything. The possibilities make me smile a little.
As I walk up behind her and stand as close as I can, she doesn’t move a muscle, she just holds her breath a little longer. The anger still festers in me and the sadness of my loss is pulling me to a dark place that I don’t care for. I put my hands on her shoulders and lean down so I can whisper right into her ear so she has to listen to me.
“You want me to stay, Lettie? Then you have to behave. You have hurt me and that means I have to hurt you.” She still doesn’t move or blink, just the empty shell of a person, exactly what I need. “Come, we are going downstairs. Put your clothes on.” I know exactly what I am going to do to little Lettie to make her hurt.
She silently walks by me and slips on her crumpled clothing, and my need for order overwhelms me, so I start to make up the bed neatly and tidy my space. I can’t bear the disorder, it makes me feel claustrophobic. She stands waiting, tears still shimmer in her dark eyes and they are puffy and red around the edges. She is so beautiful in her sadness. I take her hand and pull her after me like a child so we can get on with this. She stumbles as she tries to keep up with my large steps, but I don’t slow down or stop. I just drag her behind me while she falls over her feet. The metal stairs will hurt her bare feet as we make our way down to the working floor below us. I force the door open and the sterile smell and beeping monitors assault my senses. The two rows of still lifeless bodies call to me, to my needs. They just lie there waiting for me to love them, waiting to die quietly without any fight. They are in limbo; it’s like a permanent heaven.
“If you don’t want me to leave, then you don’t get to leave my side either.” I spit a
t her as I stop next to a beautiful blonde girl with curly hair and pale skin. She would look almost dead even alive she is so white. She will be perfect. “I have to fix what you did.” I let go of her hand and undo my belt, the metal buckle making a loud noise as it hits the floor with my jeans. I leave my shoes and pants there as I pull the thin white sheet off of her body, exposing her sweet naked beauty. She is not marked or broken, she is almost perfect. “Stand there.” I move her right next to the bed where the monitors are beeping above her head. “And watch me fix your mistake. You hurt me, Lettie. Now I get to hurt you back.” Her lip quivers and her eyes glaze with tears, but she stands and looks into my eyes with fire. I lift myself onto the bed and force the lily white legs beneath me open, kneeling now so she can watch me. I fist my cock while touching the perky little breasts bared below me. I can see the fire growing stronger in her. I lean down to take her nipple into my mouth and let out a rasping moan from deep inside me. I need this. I need them, my sweet dead dollies that cannot move away from me. I look up to see her eyes squeezed closed and the rage returns. “Open your fucking eyes and watch. You did this. I was doing better until you destroyed my life.” I yell at her and she jumps. “Watch me love her.”
I love her, like I loved them all, forcing my hard cock into her dry, unwelcoming pussy and I fucking love her. I rock myself back and forth inside her. I kiss her cool skin and whisper love in her ears. Only this time she watches me as her tears fall. They are flowing down her cheeks, little rivers of her heart breaking. I enjoy every second of it; you see, love is about how you use it. Every single thrust of my dick is a stab at her heart. I’m going to hurt her just the way she hurt me. Shatter this fucking illusion she has of hope and love. I think I hate her right now. I allow a roar to escape as I come hard inside my sweet white doll, who doesn’t moan or arch or kiss me. She just accepts me, and she goes nowhere, not even in her mind.
I look up in time to see Lettie’s sobs escaping without a sound. As I pull out of my loving little doll and stand in front of her, I cup her wet cheek in my hand and kiss her living lips. She kisses me back and my heart tears open.
Svetlana
The lonely, lively dolly sat back and watched until she found the urge for playtime too.
Mateo walks in, fury washing over his sweaty face. He’s screaming ‘why’ over and over, it getting louder and louder with each chant. I wish I could give him the answer that he wants, but I can’t. I fear disappointment because I know I am not what he needs. Part of my malicious, manipulative heart swells with pride as I hear the despondency in his tone. I have him right where I need him. Running to me. If this is a game we are playing, consider it on.
I block out his repetitive questions, because I refuse to give him an answer. I simply hang my head like a shameful servant. I hate that he hurts, but part of me wants to smile because I have the attention that I crave. My belly tightens with the thought of his eyes on my naked body, even though I know he has no intention of taking me as his. No. He wants to punish me. He wants to hurt me. Bring it, Mateo. You can’t break me. Pain is a lovely little friend that I am used to. I was born into a world of disgusting vanes. Bred from deceiving whores and liars. Make your pain rain over my scarred body! I continue to hold my head down and will myself to withhold a smile, knowing I have won.
Mateo’s heavy boots click fast over to me while he huffs loudly. I sense that he is withholding the urge to kill me. Only I would be so lucky. I am becoming someone I don’t know. Filling my used-to-be hopeful heart with black, dirty thoughts. After all, I am the daughter of a slut and a taker of lives. The Goodbye Man and Russian whore birthed the princess who learns to adapt and breathe in the evilness that she used to hate. Now, I embrace it. I let myself become them. Mateo grasps his strong hands onto my hair, dragging me down and into his bedroom, throwing me onto the bed like a ragdoll with little effort. I want to laugh out loud like a maddened little girl, but I play into his act, moaning and crying out with non-existent fear.
Whip! Whip!
His questioning between blows falls on deaf ears. I feel my skin pucker into welts, the throbbing pain makes me want to smile. Yes, grin for the attention and emotional attachment he clearly has to me. If he wanted to kill me, he would have done it back there. Now, he is punishing me like I am a little girl who stole a cookie from the jar. Thoughts of that make me want to giggle, but I let the tears form in my eyes, more so out of a bodily response. The stinging jolts swim through my body deep into my toes, making my pussy wet with need.
Maybe he will be sorry after this and whisper how much he didn’t mean to hurt me. Yes, I have him right where I want him. His lovers are all gone and I am all that he has. He has no choice but to hold me. Take me. I am your only reason now, Mateo!
No, Mateo has other plans.
***
After standing in the corner like a toddler in time-out, Mateo drags me downstairs to his version of heaven. The fluorescent buzzing lights makes me nervous as I am faced with remembering my stint here. Rows of hospital beds line the walls on two sides with sleeping beauties tucked quietly in a peaceful slumber as they await their final farewell. Beeping alarms indicate their hearts are still alive, in a world in limbo. I hate them even more as I am faced with something that Mateo will never let go of. He told me he needed to get it back. My belly drops to the ground as I am faced with jealousy once again as he drags me over to the bed of a pretty, pale skinned blonde girl. His hand leaves mine.
“If you don’t want me to leave, then you don’t get to leave my side either. I have to fix what you did. Stand there. And watch me fix your mistake. You hurt me Lettie. Now I get to hurt you back.”
I swallow bile down my burning throat as Mateo strips himself from his jeans and boots. The pretty little girl is limp, but still alive, not refusing any of his movements. He leans down, taking her pink nipple into his mouth, nursing it with gentleness. I want to yell at him and tell him that I am the woman that deserves that. I can be enough for him, but I won’t. I fight. I breathe. I moan. I move. I create disorder. Mateo hates disorder. He grips his beautifully hard cock and preps to enter the unconscious girl. I squeeze my eyes shut.
“Open your fucking eyes and watch. You did this, I was doing better until you destroyed my life. Watch me love her.”
His words are like venom to my heart. I force my teary eyes open, my mouth goes agape as his hard cock prods its way inside of her dry cunt. I watch his ass flex back and forth while my pussy gets wet. I hate my body for responding to such a sight, but two can play a game. If this is what he wants and needs, I will show him that I can play too.
I let him finish as I stare as his rippling ass when he comes inside of the girl’s soon-to-be dead body. He looks hot as hell. I look at his face, the flames of his past still ever present while he wrestles with the demons from his past that will never waiver. I have to remind myself to breathe as the air in my lungs stops its exchange. The maddened creature that beat me upstairs has transformed into a fallen angel, his movements so graceful and fluid. I’m enamored and turned on. This is wrong, so wrong, but I can’t stop myself from feeling this way. Tears fall from my eyes as I come to the conclusion that this disorder is both disastrous and stunning. Chaotic and profound. Beautiful and decrepit.
Mateo pulls himself out of his fuck doll, and immediately pulling my mouth to his, kissing me with passion and need. I wrap my arms around his neck, embracing this moment like it’s my last to live. But I still have a game to play. Little Lettie isn’t dead and I’m about to show Mateo how dead dollies like to play with lively little dolls. My tears of bewilderment cease and my hands make their way to his chest, the thumping from his heart beating faster with each fleeting moment. I push him hard away from me, appreciating the confused look on his face.
“Your lively little fuck doll wants to play too, Mateo. Bet you haven’t seen a girl eat almost-dead pussy before, have you?” I croon, peeling my pants away from my legs as my pussy drips with need. I strip myself from my
shirt, eyeing Mateo prudently as he stays naked from his recent fuck session. I watch him, taking my fingers into my mouth, sucking them and moaning out loud. I feel my cunt twitch in delight.
I continue to suck on my fingers while my free hand makes its way to my pussy. I finger myself slowly, watching Mateo as his eyes grow darker. His stance stays the same. Oh, you dirty, dirty man. You like this, don’t you? Maybe I will win this game.
I allow a faint whimper escape my lungs as my fingers leave my cunt. I walk to the head of the comatose girl’s bed. Her lips are slightly parted. I stick my fingers, covered with my arousal, into her mouth. Her tongue is slightly dry, but I feed her what I know she would like. My womb clenches in response and I moan out loud. I hear Mateo groan behind me. Good boy. Just wait. The show will get better.
I take my hands from her mouth, bending down and running my tongue across her pale, pink lips. I push my mouth to hers, controlling the movements as my tongue enters her mouth. I taste my salty arousal bathed on her tongue and I sigh, lust immersing me more than before. I climb on top of the girl with no name and whisper in her ear, “Are you ready to play with me, little girl?” She stays limp under me and I grind my hips over her belly, letting the friction rub my clit. The sensation that I have between Mateo watching me take this girl along with the powerless girl beneath me is too much. I suck on my wet fingers again, popping them free and making my way down to her pert breast. I suck on her nipple gently as it peaks in my mouth. My fingers enter her pussy as I make soft movements like I would enjoy, in and out, over and over.
The Goodbye Man (Red Market #1) Page 20