by Holt, Leah
“He loves you.” I said, my voice playful and reminiscent of the day she plucked petals as we walked.
“You bought me flowers.” Repeating herself, her eyes steadied on the flattened buds. A single tear broke free, cascading down her cheek and dropping into her lap.
My heart sank and my palms became sweaty. The flowers weren't the same, they weren't even close to being as beautiful and incredible as when I left the store.
The bouquet was a mess, the delicate flowers now covered in dirty sneaker prints, torn at the edges and mangled.
“I'm sorry they're all broken, I tried to protect them, but it didn't work.”
Blue's lips thinned as she smiled, her tears falling one after the other. “They're beautiful, Jay, absolutely beautiful.” Leaning over, she pressed her lips firmly against mine.
“Then why are you crying?” Speaking against her lips, I refused to stop kissing her. Her lips were soft, her skin warm and dewy. I needed that kiss, the way it felt sent a breath of fresh air into my lungs.
Tracing her throat with the pads of my fingers, I felt her heart speed up as the thick vein in her neck began to throb faster and harder. Her chest was rising and falling quickly, her cheeks glistening from fallen tears.
“Because I'm ready,” she whispered into my mouth, her voice quiet and low.
Freezing, I flicked my eyes between hers. “For what?”
“I'm ready,” she answered again, her voice stretched out, her tone high.
“I don't understand.”
Her cheeks blushed as she tore her eyes away from mine shyly and stared at the ceiling. “Wow, are you sure you don't have a concussion too? I really don't want to say it out loud.”
And just like that I knew, I knew exactly what she was saying, but I wanted to be one hundred percent sure.
“You mean—”
Slamming her hand over my mouth, she giggled as she spoke. “I don't want to hear you say it either.”
Chuckling, my chest began to hurt as I took in big breaths of air. Gripping my ribs, I groaned, “Ouch, okay, no more laughing.” Rubbing my side, I slipped back down into the covers.
Blue leaned forward, kissing my forehead. “Alright, I'm going to go so you can rest. My parents think I went to the library to study, can't get caught hanging here with you.”
“Right, because your father still thinks I'm the Devil's child or something.”
Rolling her eyes, she gave me a big smile as she stood up. “How long are you going to be here?”
“The doctor said I'll probably be able to go home in a few days.”
“What about your dad?” she asked, tucking her hand into her back pocket. “What happens to him now?”
“I don't care, he can rot behind those bars.”
“You don't mean that.”
“Why wouldn't I mean that?” Angling my head, I veered my stare. “You said it yourself, he shouldn't have done this to me. Just like all the other times, he never should have done any of this. I'm his son, or at least I'm supposed to be. . .”
“I know what I said, but that doesn't mean you want him to suffer. Wishing harm to someone else for the pain they've caused won't heal you.”
“Maybe not, but it'll make me feel a little better. That's got to count for something.”
Blue ran her fingers through my hair, taking a small piece and twirling it around her finger. “I'll see you later, get some rest.” She didn't try to talk me into another emotion, she didn't try to convince me that I didn't hate my father, Blue just gave me one last smile and walked out of the room.
I knew hate was a horrible thing to hold onto. It fed your insides like maggots fed on dead birds, wriggling and crawling all over your body as long as that hate was right in front of your face, laying there with a vile smell that sat in the back of your nose. You couldn't get rid of it, you couldn't erase it, all it did was rot the world around you.
Blue didn't really understand what it felt like to truly hate someone, because she had no one to hate, no one to fill her with blackness. She saw the bruises on my face, she saw the pain my father caused, but she didn't live in it.
And she doesn't see how she's saved me over and over.
Hate was a living, breathing thing that had strengths and weaknesses. I just never saw the weakness. All I could do was imagine the future, imagine myself leaving, moving far away.
I couldn't wait for that day.
Now, I just needed to convince Blue to come with me.
Chapter Nine
Jayden
“Run away with me.”
“What?” she asked, her jaw crooked to one side as she stared up at me like I was crazy. “Run away with you? You're not serious.”
“I am.” Arching a brow, I reached out and took her hand. “I'm very serious, run away with me. We can leave, I have enough money to take us anywhere you want. I'll take care of you.”
Running my thumb over her knuckles, I drew small circles over her skin, feeling the warmth and softness of her flesh as it passed from her hand to mine. I was smiling instantly, every muscle in my body coming alive.
I wanted to throw her over my shoulder and take off, whisk her away to a place where we could live our lives, where no one judged us together or apart. I wanted to be able to love her freely, and we couldn't do that here.
Her eyes drifted around my face, looking deep into mine, reading my thoughts. She knew me, she knew me better than I knew myself.
“It won't work the way you think it will.” Blue pulled her hand free, crossing her arms as she pursed her lips. “Jay, we can't just run away, it's not that easy. I have school, I have my parents, I—”
“I can't live like this anymore. I haven't seen you in over two months since that night in the barn. You haven't been looking out your bedroom window, you ignore me if you see me in town. Why? Did I do something wrong?”
“You didn't do anything wrong, Jay, it's just—”
“It's just what?” I said loudly, holding out my arms wide. “We sleep together one time, your father tears you away, and I get no answers? How long is this going to go on for?”
Letting her arms fall to her sides, her lids lowered. “You know what my father said, what do you think he'll do if he finds us together again?”
I didn't answer. It hurt to think that her father could have that much power over us. We loved each other, that was all that should matter, but he couldn't see what we felt.
Shaking her head, she frowned. “There's nothing I can do about it. I have to respect him, I have to respect what he says. It's the right thing to do, that's what a good daughter does, that's what my faith wants.” Blue's chin fell against her chest as she closed her eyes.
“What about what you want?” Gripping her chin between my thumb and forefinger, I forced her head back up. “When do you get a say in what makes you happy?”
We were different, born different, raised different, but we did share one thing; neither of us were given a choice.
I didn't choose to be who I was. I didn't choose to live this life. I didn't have a voice in any of it.
And neither did she.
Her eyes fluttered in the sockets as they darted back and forth over mine. Parting her lips, I thought she was going to kiss me. I waited for it, I watched her as she licked her lips and swallowed softly.
But that kiss never came.
Turning her head away, she said, “It doesn't matter, I can't come with you.” Blue closed her mouth, letting out a heavy breath, and taking a long step back. “I'm sorry, Jay, you need to go.” With her hand on the door, she started to close it.
Why are you giving up so easily?
This isn't what you want!
Throwing out my arm, I stopped her, refusing to let her give up on us. “We love each other, we can do this, Blue, you and me, we don't need anyone else. Come with me, we can be together, we can do this.” With an open palm, I kept the door open.
Fight for us, Blue bird, fight for us.
Her mou
th twisted and turned as she rolled her lip under the edge of her teeth. There was a long pause from her, and it seemed like she was thinking so hard about what she should do. The answer was simple to me; we do anything to be together. We run away if we have to.
Please, you know what you want.
“I can't. I'm sixteen, Jayden, my father would have you arrested.” Her eyes glossed over, filling with tears. “I can't go with you, I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“This,” she said, flicking a finger between us. “It's over, Jayden—we're over.”
“Blue, don't do this. I'll wait if you won't come with me now. I don't want to go without you. I love you, Blue.”
“It's over, Jayden.” My hand slipped down the door as Blue closed it in my face.
I could hear the lock as she flipped it and her feet as she walked away. But my mind couldn't process the words that came out of her mouth.
We had always talked about being together forever, about growing old together, about creating a life that was ours and ours alone.
Suddenly, that was all gone, torn into pieces before my eyes as she broke up with me. It felt like she had reached into my chest tore out my heart. My chest ached, the muscle barely beating behind my ribs.
I needed her to live, I needed Blue to survive. She was the only thing that had been stable in my world, the only one to push me when I needed it, to support me when no one else would.
Blue was the other half of me, she was the force that kept me breathing, that kept me going.
And now she was gone.
Chapter Ten
Jayden
Ten years later
“What do you want?” I asked, positioning the phone against my ear and shoulder as I plucked a nail from my tool belt and held it to the wall.
Bang! Bang!
“Damn it, Jay, do you have to do that right now? I'm trying to talk to you.”
“You called me while I'm at work, what the hell did you expect?” Slamming the nail into the wall, I pulled out another one and set the sharp edge against the sheet rock.
“Dick,” she huffed out, not even trying to say it under her breath. “I need to talk to you, and it would be a whole lot easier if you weren't cracking a hammer in my ear.”
Sighing, I dropped the hammer into my belt and climbed down off the ladder. “Fine, you have my attention for two minutes.”
“Two minutes, that's all I need.” My sister swallowed hard, and I could hear her breathing intensify as she cleared her throat.
“Get on with it, I don't have all day.” Rolling my hand, I knew she couldn't see it, but I did it anyway. “This house won't build itself.”
There was a long pause, silence filling the speaker except for the occasional raspy noise of air as Beth let out a breath. “Well? Spit it out already,” I said, slightly annoyed that she was taking forever to just get to the point of the phone call.
I had a schedule I needed to keep, and the longer I stood there with my hands in my ass, the further behind I got.
“Beth, come on, I need to get—”
“Dad's dead,” she spat out suddenly, her voice rumbling with hidden sadness.
“What?” I asked, not sure I heard her right. I had always thought about that day, when the world became a little less dickish.
It had been years since I had seen the asshole, years since I heard his voice or had to stare at his drunken face or smell his rotten whiskey breath. And still that didn't matter, I hated him just the same, because he was still out there, still living.
Beth had a soft spot in her heart for him, she always had. After I left to make a better life for myself, she was convinced that our father needed her. It didn't matter that she had a wonderful new family to care for her, she couldn't fully separate the cord that connected her to our father. Beth was always there for that man, and all he could do was take from her.
“He's gone, Jay, he died last night.”
The corner of my lip twitched as if it was stuck between wanting to smile and wanting to frown. The mix of emotions was hard to explain. The hate in my heart for that man was far greater than any love I had, but there was a small sliver, the most minute piece of my heart that still held enough life to feel a brief flicker of sadness.
It didn't make sense and I wasn't sure what to do with the weird feelings, but it was possible to love and hate someone. There wasn't a way to fix it, there wasn't a way to make it better, it was something that just was.
“How?”
My sister went silent again, so I waited for her to answer at her own pace. In my gut I felt like it was a car accident or maybe his liver finally quit. There was only so much liquor a body could tolerate before it finally broke down.
“Asphyxiation.”
“Asphyxi-what?”
“He drowned on his own vomit, Jay.” Beth let out another breath of air, causing the speaker to crackle. It was hard for me to tell if she was crying or if that was an involuntary noise from the phone.
“You alright?” I asked.
“I think so, it's weird, but I'm alright.”
“Good.” Nodding to myself, I leaned back against the wall and looked up at the open sky where the roof should be. “That's good.”
That was all I had to console her with.
“Are you alright?” she asked, her voice almost a whisper.
“Why wouldn't I be? Dad was a prick, he died being prick, he'll always be remembered as a prick.”
“Jay, don't be like that.”
“Like what?”
“Don't be a jerk. The man is dead, our dad is dead.”
“Our dad died long before the man we grew up with. That man was a drunken shell of the guy he used to be.”
“He was still our dad, doesn't matter how he chose to live his life.”
“It kinda does, Beth, especially when he picked booze over us.”
“I didn't call to argue with you, I just thought you should know.”
“Well, you let me know, so your job is done. I need to get back to work, I'll call you later this week.”
“Wait,” she said quickly, her voice slightly panicked. “You are going to come to the funeral, right?”
“There's actually going to be a funeral for him?”
“Why wouldn't there be?” she asked.
“Because no one is going to show up. Everyone hated him, even his own brother.”
“He was our father, Jay.”
“He supplied the sperm that gave us life, that was it, that was all he did for us. It doesn't make him a father.”
“Can you not be an ass for once?”
“I just don't see the point, I'm sorry.”
“You should be here.”
“Why?”
“Because. . .” Pausing, she sniffled and cleared her throat. “I need you here. I can't do this alone.”
“So don't do it alone, let the state handle it. He's not your problem, he never was. You were never responsible for him, even though you felt like you were.”
“He's our dad, we can't just forget that, it isn't right.”
Dragging my hand through my hair, I scratched my scalp. “Maybe not, but was anything he did to us right? Was how he treated us right? Yes, he was our father, but you were his daughter, I was his son—what about us? He dug his own grave, Beth, I won't feel bad for him, and I won't pity the life he had.”
“I'm not asking you to do any of that, I'm asking you to come to his funeral. If you won't do it for him, will you do it for me?”
Rubbing my jaw, I ran my hand down my throat, reaching behind my neck. “I never wanted to come back there, I made a promise to myself.”
“What about the promise you made me? You remember that promise? The one where you said you'd always be there for me no matter what?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, I need you, Jay.”
Thinning my lips, I closed my eyes. “I'll think about it.”
“Alright,
I guess that's better than a flat-out no.”
“Don't do that, don't make me feel bad about this. He wasn't good to me, Beth, you know this, you saw it.”
“I know, and I get it, don't think I don't.”
Neither one of us said another word, the air between us was void and quiet. I knew my sister was upset, I could tell by the tone in her voice. But it wasn't easy for me, it wasn't easy to just go home. My memories were so tainted with anger and pain, it was hard to see anything else.
The first half of my life hadn't been easy or kind, and the only good thing that was still there was my sister. Everything else I ran away from, never looking back.
“Okay, I need to get back to work, I'll text you later.”
Hanging up the phone, I spent the rest of the day stewing over what I should do. Kine Valley was a dot on the map, a place that no one knew existed unless you lived there. And all I ever wanted to do was forget that it existed myself.
But Beth was my little sister, and I made her a promise long before I ever promised myself anything. I wouldn't break my promise, not now, not ever. . .
Even if that meant going home one last time.
Chapter Eleven
Jayden
Stepping off the train, I dropped my duffle bag on the ground and stretched my legs. Kicking the bag along, I moved to the side, just letting the realization set in that I was actually there.
I'm home. Who would have thought I'd ever see this place again.
I swore I'd never come back, I swore to leave this place behind, but here I was, taking in the same air I did as a kid, seeing the same sky and the same trees and the same fields that had been there forever.
Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. Taking in a long pull, I held the smoke in, allowing wispy tendrils to spill out over my lips as my eyes just kept scanning my surroundings.
I didn't walk away from the train immediately, instead, I just stood in limbo, watching the rest of the world as it moved and squirmed in front of me like a colony of ants. People were brushing past me, their eyes dead set on a destination.