by Holt, Leah
“He did?” Bliss picked her head up, a spark of excitement in her eyes. “What is it?”
“A little extra light.” Taking the jar out, the fireflies were glowing bright, each one taking its turn to show its pop of color.
“Wow,” she said in awe, her eyes snapping open. “How cool! I could spend hours outside and never even see this many.”
It was crazy how a child could be almost dead to the world, and then, bam, just like that, they were wide awake and ready to run laps.
Reaching out, she wriggled her fingers for me to hand her the jar. “How did he get all these?”
“Jayden is actually really good at catching them.”
That wasn't exactly true, but a little fib about bugs wouldn't hurt. The truth was that I had caught most of those bugs, and the few he had caught I decided to hold onto for myself. I did a little jar switch, giving her mine and saying it was from him.
Jayden was so proud of the ones he caught and wanted to share them with my daughter, I just wanted to put him on a pedestal for her.
It gave me butterflies to know he was thinking about my daughter. I loved that it wasn't just me that was on his mind, but Bliss was there too.
Her face was frozen on the glass jar, watching the tiny bugs. I stood smiling as little green explosions jumped across Bliss's skin, and the grin on her face just kept getting bigger and bigger as she pressed her nose against it.
“Alright, time for bed.” Flipping her light off, I stood in her doorway. “I don't want you up too long watching those, and don't open the jar.”
“Wait. . . I can keep these? You're not making me let them go?”
“Nah, not these. These were caught for you.”
Tapping the door frame, I went back to my room. Changing into yoga pants and a soft pink t-shirt, I climbed under my blankets. Laying awake, I was staring at the ceiling when I heard small feet coming down the hall.
Watching my door, I could see her shadow as it stretched down the hall. Bliss poked her head in and asked, “Hey, Mom?”
“Yeah, Honey?”
“I just want you to know, I like Jayden too.”
“You do? But you don't even know him.”
“Yeah, I know, but I don't feel like I need to. I can tell already, I like him.”
“Is this what you got out of bed to tell me?”
Glancing at the floor, she watched her feet. “No.”
“Then what?”
“I opened it.” Bringing out the empty glass jar from behind her back, Bliss looked at me with panic in her eyes. “They escaped.”
Shaking my head, I looked behind Bliss to see a firefly blink and disappear, blink and disappear as it flew in the dimly lit hall.
Following my eyes, she lifted her shoulders to her ears and held her hands out. “What did you expect? I'm a kid.”
I couldn't be mad at her, she was so much like her father, and I loved when that piece of her came through.
Bliss had only asked me once about her father, but I saw him in that girl every day of her life since birth.
And now, now I had another choice to make.
I just wasn't sure I was ready for it.
* * * *
Knock Knock Knock
Twisting the ring on my finger around and around, I waited for someone to answer the door. I wasn't sure if anyone was even there, but when I woke up that morning, I knew I couldn't hold this in anymore.
Knock Knock Knock
The door creaked open and a tired set of eyes peeked out at me. “Can I help you?” the girl's voice asked.
“Uh, hi, yeah, I'm Betty-Sue. Is your brother around?”
“Which one?”
Which one? I thought she only had one?
“Um, excuse me? I thought—”
Pulling the door open wider, she grinned. “I know who you're here for, I was just messing with you.” Holding out her hand, she said, “It's nice to officially meet you after all these years of hearing about you. I mean we talked at the funeral, but that wasn't really like meeting.”
Beth looked like she had just rolled out of bed. Her hair was all disheveled, sticking up in places and knotted. Wearing leggings decorated with cats in sunglasses, and an over sized green t-shirt, tied into a knot in the front, Beth waited for me to take her hand.
I stood in this weird limbo, knowing the polite thing to do, but stuck in this weird space where memories began to flood my mind.
Playing hide and seek in their cornfield, being snuck into the house after his father left, and making out in his room. Helping him with chores so we had more time together, pebbles on windows, and notes in secret locations.
All the things I loved and missed, all the things I never really forgot, but chose to ignore. All the things that made us—us.
Beth cleared her throat and smiled, glancing down at her hand, and giving it a little shake to show me it was still there.
“I'm so sorry to wake you.” Shaking her hand, I smiled apologetically. “We met a couple of times when you were little, but you probably don't remember it.”
The last time I had seen Beth before the funeral she was around eight. I would pass her in town on occasion over the years, but that was all, I never spoke to her or tried to reach out to her. I wasn't sure if she would remember me or not, and honestly, she was just another piece of the man I tried to forget.
You could never forget him, every day there was a constant reminder.
She had so many of the same features as her brother. Same colored hair, except hers was a little lighter blonde, with dark purple streaks. Her chin was a striking resemblance to Jayden, with the same sharp curve, and small indent in the center.
Beth's lips were a lot thicker than Jayden's, more pronounced and full. She had rich brown eyes and defined eyebrows, the same high cheekbones as her brother, and a birthmark above her left eye.
But there was no denying she was a Henry.
“You're right, I don't remember that, but I've always known who you were. My brother couldn't stop talking about you, ever.” Beth giggled, scratching her fingers through her hair and making it messier than it already was. “Jayden isn't here actually, he ran into town for breakfast.”
“Oh, okay, that's no problem. Can you just tell him I came by?”
“How about you come in? He won't be long, I'm sure he'd love to see you.”
“Are you sure? I don't want to impose.”
“Stop,” Beth said, reaching out and snagging my arm. “Come on in, I'll make us some coffee.”
Following her into the house, the floor buckled slightly under my feet and creaked loudly as I walked into the kitchen. Jumping back, I held out my arms, ready to brace myself if the ground suddenly disappeared beneath me.
“Oh, I should probably tell you that floor is a bit. . .” Pausing, she ground her teeth and squinted one eye. “Shitty, I can't even make up a word for it, it's just shitty.”
“You know I remember that floor board from when I was younger, but it's definitely a lot worse now.” Chuckling, I stepped around the faulty plank, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
“Ugh, this place is falling apart. Jay and I still have to figure out what we're going to do. I want us to keep. . .” Beth's voice faded as my eyes were drawn to the sink, and the memory of our first kiss played in my head.
I could feel everything again, all of it down to the tingle in my toes that caused them to curl. His lips were warm and wet when they touched mine, the butterflies in my stomach were going wild, my veins were throbbing as the blood was forced through, and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. It was in that moment I knew I loved him, with that single kiss.
If he could make me feel that way with just his lips, there was no doubt in my mind that what we shared was special, it was something that came once in a lifetime.
My failed marriage was a token to forced love. You can't make yourself love someone no matter how much you might want to. It didn't matter how much my ex tried, he
could feel I wasn't there.
And after awhile, he just gave up. The last time we talked, he told me my eyes said it all, I would never love him, not the way he wanted me to. People say your heart is big enough to love endlessly, and believe me when I say, I tried to give myself to him.
I wanted desperately to fall for someone else again, to feel those giddy butterflies and nervous knots in my belly, I truly did, but Jayden was the only man who would ever own my heart.
“You know?” she asked, leaning back against the counter, waiting for the coffee to brew.
Coming back to reality, I nodded in agreement, pretending like I had heard everything she had said. “Oh yeah, I can understand that.”
The coffee pot popped and spat as the hot liquid began to pour out from the spout. Beth had taken out two mugs while I was reliving that kiss, and had put them on the counter.
“Sugar?” she asked as she poured the coffee into the mugs.
“Yeah, and cream or milk if you have it.”
“I might, let me see.” Beth checked the fridge, then started going through the cupboard and pantry. “I have this.” Showing me a plastic bottle of powdered creamer, she read the back. “It says it expired four months ago though.”
“That's alright, I'll drink it black, it's fine.”
“Sorry, we haven't gone food shopping.” Beth brought the mugs over and handed me one. Taking the creamer off the counter, she threw it in the trash. “My father used to love that shit.”
Sipping the coffee, it was strong, but good. “My mother only ever drank tea when I was growing up, and my father didn't drink either one. My dad always said anything that gives you the jitters was the work of the devil. I was afraid to try anything that wasn't water for years.” Laughing, I took a big sip of the coffee, and swallowed it quickly before the bitterness hit my tongue.
“Your dad's the pastor at St. Rose, right?”
“Yeah, he was, not anymore though.”
Beth held her mug as she looked out the window. “My brother has been through a lot, you know that. Our father was an asshole, especially to Jay, he didn't deserve to be treated that way.”
“I know, your brother is amazing, I've always know that. What he went through, what you both went through, it wasn't right.”
Flicking her eyes to mine, her lips folded down into a thick grimace. “Then do what's right, don't let him learn things through rumors, Betty-Sue, it's not fair to him.”
What the hell is she talking about?
“Excuse me?”
Beth leaned forward, her expression stern as she arched her brows and flared her nostrils. “The whole town knows, Betty, everyone but my brother, and he's the only person who really matters.”
I felt my eyes as they welled up and the air around me grow hot. I had no words for her, because she was right.
All these years I had been a coward, afraid to speak the truth, afraid to take control and do what I knew was right.
I wish I had more options, but I didn't.
“It wasn't up to me, Beth.” My voice pleaded with her to understand where I was coming from. If she could understand anything, she could understand what it felt like to not be given a choice.
“It might not have been back then, but it is now.” Sitting back in her chair, she held the mug to her lips as she spoke. “You owe him the truth, we both know that.”
“I don't know how to say it.” Tears started to roll down my cheeks, dropping off my face and plopping onto the table. “There aren't any words.”
For years this secret was swept under the rug, and I was expected to act like I was the Virgin Mary or something. It wasn't fair to either of us, but what the hell was I supposed to do? I was just a kid.
“You need to find the words.” Beth stretched her arm across the table and gripped my wrist. “You can't hide it forever.”
The back door swung shut with a loud bang, making us both jump in our seats. Whipping my head over my shoulder, Jayden was standing in the doorway, holding a bag from the coffee shop in town.
“Hey, it looks like someone else just died.” Jayden glanced between us, a knowing look in his eyes. “What's going on?”
Pushing back from her seat, Beth smiled at me, then at her brother. “I'll leave you two to talk.”
Jayden crooked his chin, furrowing his brows as he watched her walk away. “Alright, this isn't awkward or anything.” Setting the bag on the counter, he side stepped around the shitty floor board and came to my side. Kissing the top of my head, he placed his hand on my back. “What time did you get here?”
Sniffling, I wiped my nose with the back of my arm. “A little bit ago.”
“Are you alright, Blue? What's wrong? Why are you crying?” His voice deepened as his eyes shot in the direction Beth had gone. “Did she say something to you? Beth—” he started to yell, but I stopped him with a single touch to his wrist.
“No, she didn't do or say anything.” Looking down at my hands, I picked at the cuticle on my thumb nail. “It's just a lot of lost years, that's all. So much time has come between us.”
Rubbing my back, Jayden dropped to his haunches at my side. “Talk to me, I'm here to listen.”
“I don't think you're going to want to listen to me after this.” The tears kept coming, clouding up my eyes, and making it hard to see him.
I couldn't look at him, it hurt too much. All these years I was liar. It wasn't my lie to begin with, but it had become my lie, a lie I lived with, a lie that weighed down my shoulders and made me ache when I moved.
A lie that would change two people who were innocent from the start. It was my lie, and I was about to make it our lie.
It has always been our lie. . .
“Blue, I spent years running away from this town just to avoid you, there's nothing you can say that will ever push me away again.”
“Jay, you don't understand,” lifting my eyes to his, my voice cracked as I spoke. “This is different, this is far worse than just running away because you were heartbroken.”
Slipping his hand down my back and around my arm, he wrapped his fingers around my knee. “Just say it already, I promise, I won't go running again. I was weak back then, I'm not weak anymore.”
Scoffing, I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Don't make me any promises, because I'm not sure you'll ever forgive me for this, not when you learn the truth.”
“The truth. . .” Jayden waited a moment, tilting his head curiously. “The truth about what?”
“About why I wouldn't runaway with you, about why I pushed you away that day.”
A slight smirk teased his lips as his face softened. “Blue, I already know why.”
“You do?”
“Of course I do, your father hated me. And for a man of the lord to hate someone, that person must have been pretty bad.” Jayden turned me in my chair, laying his head in my lap and looking up at me. “I didn't just leave because you told me to go. I left because your life would be better if I was gone. I didn't have anything to offer you, at least nothing that was worth anything.”
Running my fingers through his hair, I rubbed his scalp and massaged his neck. “That's not true, that was never true. My life wasn't better without you, Jay, it was lonely and sad.”
Taking a short lock of his hair, I spun it around my finger. We stared at each other, neither one of us talking, even though I had a lot more to say.
“So you missed me?”
“Always,” I said, spearing my fingers into his hair, I tugged at his roots. “Always.” Kissing his forehead, all I wanted to do was touch him all over. Because I wasn't sure he'd let me near him after I told him the truth.
Placing another kiss on his cheek, I moved closer to his lips, kissing the tip of his nose, kissing his other cheek, kissing his chin.
Jayden threw his hands into my hair, taking control of my head and moving it where he wanted it. Pressing his lips against mine, he kissed me with so much force and passion I lost my breath.
It felt like he
had sucked the air out of my lungs, leaving me breathless. His tongue pushed past my lips, swirling around mine, tasting and licking.
My heart fluttered, beating with more life than I had felt in years. Jayden had kick started the muscle in my chest, rebooting it like a machine that had been turned off for nearly a decade.
Scooping the back of my neck in his palm, he held my face in place. Sitting on his knees, Jayden scooted himself between my legs, forcing them to open wide. With a heavy grip, he held my knee in one hand and my neck in the other.
I loved the way he took control of me, the way he made my body do what he wanted with just a touch. It was incredible, a feeling I had missed.
Tell him before this goes any further! Before you hurt him again!
Pushing my hands against his chest, I said, “Jay, I still need to tell you something.”
“It can wait.” His tone was demanding, needy, powerful.
I could feel myself getting sucked in, my body moving to his beat. His fingers would stroke the side of my face and my head would roll to the side. His hand would move over my breast and my nipple would harden, tingling, ready for him to suckle it.
Tell him now before you're in too deep!
No more waiting!
“Jay—” His mouth crashed onto mine, silencing me instantly.
“Shh,” he hushed me, nibbling my bottom lip. “You don't need to say anything else, I know what you want.”
Jayden palmed my breast, rolling my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. Using his teeth, he bit my nipple through my shirt and tugged on the fabric.
“Mm,” I groaned, unable to control myself. Rolling my hips, I ground my pussy against his chest as I ran my hands down his back. “Fuck, Jay, I need to—”
Kiss.
Pulling my face away, my waist kept moving, rubbing against him. “I need to tell—”
Kiss.
Kiss.
His lips were everywhere. My mouth, my neck, my chest, nibbling my earlobes and biting my nipples.
“We can talk later,” he breathed out between more kisses, his hands roaming my body, holding my hips and moving them harder against his chest.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, Jayden lifted me off the chair and set me on top of the table. Our hands were all over each other, touching and stroking. His cock was firm, thick, poking my wet pussy as he leaned forward.