by Holt, Leah
It wasn't right to have something so important hidden from me. I wasn't a terrible person, I wasn't the worse kid in the world. The only thing I was guilty of was being a Henry.
That was enough to make her father think I wasn't worthy of his daughter or the child she was carrying. It was a punch in the gut to know I would do anything for that girl, and that was never good enough to appease her father.
I have a child now, Bliss is my daughter.
Grunting to myself, I raked my fingers through my hair and growled. There were no words, it was just a noise of frustration and anger. I was tempted to punch the wall, but that was something my father would do, and I promised myself I would never be him.
So, I did the opposite. I stayed sitting at the table, my fingers attempting to break the porcelain as they hugged the mug.
“What the hell am I going to do?” Talking out loud, I rubbed my face with my palms and stared up at the ceiling. “Where do I go from here?”
Pushing the food back across the table, I couldn't eat. My stomach was filled with knots and I couldn't think straight. There was so much running through my head.
All the time I missed with my daughter. All the years I spent alone. All the times I felt lost and drifted from place to place, because the thought of coming back to this town made me sick.
Like a smack to the face, I find out there was a reason to be there all along, that I had a family, a little girl who didn't know I existed; that shit hurt. It pissed me off that Blue and her family had kept this from me.
The back door opened and my sister poked her head in. “Hey, you all alone?”
“Yeah, I'm alone.”
“Where's Blue?” she asked, walking into the kitchen and hoping up onto the counter. Gripping the edge, my sister kicked her feet back and forth, and just stared at me.
“What?”
“I asked you where Blue was? Didn't you hear me? She was here when I left, and it sounded like you two were getting a little too comfortable in this kitchen.” Looking down at the counter, she tore her hands off and snapped her eyes back to mine. “Oh, gross, you didn't do it—”
“No, no we didn't. We did that here.” Pointing at the table, I kept a straight face.
“You're disgusting.” Scrunching her nose, she closed her eyes and made a face like she was going to throw up.
Forcing myself to laugh, I rubbed my palms against my eyes. “What a fucking day, huh?”
Should I tell her?
Beth should know, this affects her too.
“Why? What happened? Because when I left, it certainly didn't sound like anything was wrong.” Angling her head, she eyed me curiously. “You still haven't answered my question you know.”
“Blue went home, we kind of got into a fight.”
“Ah, okay,” Beth said, her voice soft and understanding. “She told you finally, that's good.”
“Wait—” Rocking my jaw back and forth, I glared at Beth. “You knew?”
“Everyone knew, Jay, the whole damn town knew for Christ sakes.” Hopping down, she opened the fridge and leaned inside, her voice echoing off the empty box. “I'm just glad she finally told you.” Shutting the door, she opened a bottle of water and took a sip.
Are you fucking serious? Everyone knew about this?
Everyone?
I didn't want to believe her. But I could see it in her face and hear it in her voice, this wasn't a shock to her.
“How long have you known?”
“I don't know, awhile I guess. People talk around here, something like that isn't going to stay quiet. But now you know, and that's a good thing.” Taking another gulp of her water, she flashed her brows.
How can she act like it's not a big deal?
How can she seem so relaxed about it?
“You knew this, and you never said anything to me?” Grinding my teeth down, I clenched my fists. “Why? Why would you do that?”
“Jay, I'm sorry, but it wasn't my place.”
“Not your place?” Shooting up from my seat, I slammed my fist down. “You're my sister! What do you mean not your place? How could you keep this from me?” My voice was harsh and cold. “After everything we've been through, after everything we grew up with, you think it's not your place to tell me I have fucking child?”
“Calm down, Jay,” she snapped, holding up her hands, palms facing out. “What was I supposed to do? It started out as rumors, I was just a kid when they started going around. And you were already gone, doing whatever the hell you were doing. What was I supposed to say? Oh and by the way, everyone is saying Blue's having your baby?”
“Yes, that's exactly what you should have said. Fuck, Beth, I had a child and not one person had the balls to tell me? I mean fuck, what the hell did I do to be treated like such shit?”
Beth's eyes started to water, and I couldn't help but see her as that little girl I took care of and protected. This wasn't her fault, and she wasn't responsible for what Blue failed to tell me.
My sister wasn't responsible for anyone else and their actions, but the feelings of betrayal were there. This wasn't just a secret, this was a life changing event that affected more than just Blue and her family.
My sister had her face buried in her hands as she cried. Stepping to her, I pulled her in and hugged her. “Beth, I'm sorry for yelling at you, I am, it just hurts me that no one told me I had a daughter. I mean that's a big thing, it's not like someone stole my bike and everyone knew but me. This is bigger than anything else in my life. I have a child, a daughter, my own flesh and blood. I guess I just expected I was worth knowing it like everyone else seemed to.”
Through falling tears and heavy breaths, my sister tried to speak. “I—I'm, I'm sorry.” Her words were choppy and raspy she gasped for air. “I'm so sor—sorry, Jayden.”
Rubbing her back, I pulled her away from my chest and tried to look in her eyes. “Hey, this affects you too you know.”
Sniffling, Beth lifted her face to peer up at me. “Me? How does this affect me? This has nothing to do with me.”
“Bliss is my daughter, Beth, which makes you her aunt.” Flashing a little smile, I wriggled her shoulder. “She's your niece.”
“Oh my God, she is.” Wiping her nose on the back of her hand, I watched her then run her hand across the bottom of my shirt, rubbing off her nose junk.
“Seriously? Did you—”
“I'm an aunt now, Jay, let's not focus on the stuff that doesn't matter.” Her lips formed a small smile as she moved to the counter and grabbed a paper towel. “So what now?” Blowing her nose, she kept her eyes on mine through the folds in the paper towel.
With a smirk on my face, I pulled out the trim of my shirt and looked it over, dusting off her snot streak. The answer was simple, I didn't even have to think about it.
I could spend days, weeks, even months being pissed off about this. I could let the hate and anger eat me up from the inside out, and control my every move.
There was no way I was going to do any of that, because I wasn't going waste one more second away from my daughter. I had ten years to catch up on, but first I was going to have a few words with her father.
He couldn't do anything to me now, he didn't have the power to keep us apart or control her life. That man was done making choices for Blue, he was done working her like a puppet with strings.
“That's easy,” I said, my voice filled with nothing but determination. “I'm going to go get my family.”
Leaving Beth, I drove to Blue's house. Standing outside her door, I rang the doorbell and waited.
No answer.
Knocking, I made sure I was loud enough so that she would hear me. Leaning closer, I tried to listen for footsteps. Nothing.
Where the hell is she?
“She's not home,” an older lady called out from the yard next door. “She left about an hour ago.”
Glancing to my right, there was a woman standing in the bushes, with a big floppy sun hat and dark purple garden gloves. Her h
air was silver, her face marked with deep wrinkles and years of smiles. Thick smile lines edged her lips, and her eyes held two, maybe three crows if I was counting their feet.
She was short and plump, round like a melon in the middle, and had skin that was so tan she looked like she had been partially baked.
Walking through the grass, I stepped up to the fence dividing the yards. “Do you know where she went?” I asked.
“Maybe, but I'm certainly not going to tell someone I don't know. You could be a stalker or something.”
Giving her a gentle smile, I placed my hand on my chest. “Let me ease your fears, I'm not a stalker, I promise.” Holding out my hand, I said, “I'm Jayden, Blu—Betty and I have known each other for years.”
“Jayden, you're Jayden Henry?”
“Yes, Ma'am.”
“She's talked about you.” Taking a moment to look me over, she let her eyes move back to her flowers. “Quite a bit too, you must be special, because she doesn't talk about anyone else but her daughter.”
“Well, we've known each other since we were kids, and I just got back into town not long ago, so—”
“No, no, before that. She's talked about you for as long as I've known her, and that's been about six years. I'm sorry to hear about your father. I didn't know him personally, but Betty told me he passed.”
She talked about me? A lot. . . The thought sent chills down my spine and a smile across my lips.
Every single day since I left, Blue was still there in some way. In the beginning, it was the little stuff that really stood out. If I heard someone order a raspberry iced tea, I'd think of her. If I saw an apple pie, I thought of her. If I saw flowers, bugs, wind chimes; fuck every time I passed a barn, it made that night with her explode in my head.
But as time went on, I got better at limiting how often she took over my brain. I couldn't erase her completely, and I never really wanted to, but getting control over my thoughts about her was important.
Knowing that she had talked about me to someone else, that made those moments not seem so crazy to me. I used to think that I was losing my damn mind, because it couldn't possibly be normal to think about someone so much, especially someone I had left behind.
Maybe I was wrong.
“Thank you,” I said, forcing a solemn smile. Tucking my hands into my pockets, I dragged my toe over the top of an ant mound, collapsing the entrance. “You said she mentioned me before, I'm hoping that it was all good.”
The woman was pruning a rose bush against the fence. She stayed quiet for a second, reaching out and palming a huge red bloom, rotating it softly to look at it from all angles. Releasing the bloom, she chopped the stem beside and watched it fall to the ground.
Standing up straight, she rested her arms over the fence and fiddled with the sheers in her hand. “If you're asking for specifics, you won't get them. But I can tell you this, you're just as handsome as she made you out to be. If I was a few decades younger, I'd give ya a go myself.” Going back to her plant, she clipped dead branches and wilted buds as if she hadn't just told me that. “My question for you is, where've you been all these years?”
Lifting my eyebrows, I shrugged.
“Well, you're here now, so I guess that's all that matters. It seemed like every time I saw her, she was waiting for you.”
Really? If she was waiting, what stopped her from actually looking?
“So, do you know where I can find her?” Teetering on my heels, I flashed her the best set of innocent eyes I could. “I really need to see her, it's important.”
“Now, it wouldn't be right of me to tell you. For all I know she doesn't want to see you.” Hanging my head, I nodded with understanding. “But. . .” Pausing, she drew out the word, her eyes twinkling with some lost love memory. “If you happened to drive down Colvin Road, you might get lucky.” Giving me a wink, she smiled big.
“Thank you, thank you so much.” Taking off in a half jog, I looked back over my shoulder and said, “Wish me luck.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Blue
Setting the coffee cup down on the table, my mother took the seat across me and looked out the window. “Want to talk about it?”
Shaking my head, I gripped the cup and held it to my lips. “Not really.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, it'll all be fine. Things happen for a reason, right? That's what dad always said. The whole fate thing has to play a part in this.”
“Says, that's what Dad always says.” Sipping her drink, she kept her gaze out the window. “Why don't you go talk to him? This is what he lives for, to guide people.”
“Dad doesn't need to hear about this, it'll only stress him out.” Sliding my thumb back and forth across the mug, I smiled with one corner of my mouth. “You know how he feels about—” Catching myself, I made sure to not say his name. “Bliss's father.”
“Well, this is your father, so let him be your father.”
Thinning my lips, I looked at my mother. It was strange, because it felt like it was the first moment I really saw how time had swept in and aged her. Before right then she always looked the same to me, she looked like my mom, but I could see the weight of all the years on her face now.
The sun was shining through the window, making her hair bright sliver. The light pink lipstick she had on highlighted the dry cracks in her lips. Her layer of foundation was barely floating over the deep ridges and wrinkles in her skin.
I hadn't taken the time to ever really see her for the woman she had become. Time had slowly crept in, skipping me ahead, while I lingered in the past, wishing for the boy I loved to come back for me.
He never did.
He's here now.
“Go talk to him, I think it might brighten his day. I'll watch Bliss, go on.”
“I thought he was sleeping?”
“So? He needs to see you, you know he's not doing well.”
“I know, it's just, doesn't he need his rest? I really don't want to make him upset, it'll just make him feel worse.”
“Betty—”
Cutting in, I said, “Blue, call me Blue.”
Giving me a side eye, my mother leaned in her chair and smirked. “Really? We're back to Blue again?” Nodding, I smiled down into my drink. “That boy really does do something to you. You haven't let me call you Blue since before you had Bliss.”
“Well, I never really liked Betty anyway, it makes me sound old.”
“You know your grandmother's name is Betty.” Arching a brow, my mother was grinning.
“Yeah,” I said, flashing her wide eyes. “And she's old.”
My mother shook her head as she looked back out the window at Bliss playing in the yard. “Go talk to your father, it'll make you both feel better.”
“Alright, alright.” Pushing back from the table, I saw Bliss trying to climb up the ladder of the old silo that was sitting in my parents yard. Opening the screen door, I yelled, “Bliss, don't even think about it! Get down!”
Bliss hung her head with a pout on her lips as she gave me a quick nod. “Fine!” she yelled back as she jumped off.
Turning to go into the house from the porch, I joked with my mom. “She's all yours.”
Walking through the sun room, my mother's little dog ran through my legs, trying to bite my ankles. “Get out of here, Scout.” Giving him a little shove with my foot, he sat back and looked up at me with his tongue hanging out. “How's Dad? Is he up?”
He didn't answer back, simply licking his lips and tilting his head.
“Thanks, good talk.”
Standing in the kitchen, I heard the rocks outside in my parents driveway snap and crackle as tires rolled over them. Scout jumped to his feet, letting out a couple low barks as he looked at the front door.
“Who's here? Who is it Scout?” Moving to the window, I pulled back the curtain. “What the. . .”
Jayden was getting out of his car, his eyes scanning the front of the house. I watched him run his fingers t
hrough his hair, his expression so serious it sent chills down my spine.
How did he find me here?
What the hell is he doing here?
Tearing the front door open, I stormed outside, arms out wide. “Jayden, what are you doing here?” Grabbing his arm, I attempted to pull him back in the direction of his car. “You need to go, you shouldn't be here.”
Jayden stopped short, yanking his arm from my hand. “We need to talk, Blue, but first I need to talk to your father.”
“You can't, he's not feeling well.”
Throwing his arms in the air, he pointed a finger at the house. “I'm going in there, Blue, I don't care if he's not feeling well. That man took something from me I'll never get back. He needs to know what he's done.” His voice was high, determined, filled with emotions I didn't know he was capable of. “I lost more than just you that day, Blue, I lost a daughter too.”
Relaxing my arms, I wanted so badly to just pull him away and tell him whatever he had to say wouldn't matter.
My father was my father, he would always be stuck in his ways. A man of the lord, a son to hope and happiness and doing the right thing. My father thought he was doing the right thing by me and Bliss, he'd never apologize for that.
But none of that shit mattered, not who he was, not what he did, because ten years held changes that none of us saw coming.
My father's changed, but not for the better.
“It won't make a difference. My father isn't the same man you remember, Jay.” Wrapping my arms around my shoulders, I tried to make him understand. “He's very sick, I really don't want to upset him.”
Jay stared at me for a second, tilting his head into his shoulder. “Blue, he stole my daughter from me, I deserve a chance to speak my mind. I never had the opportunity to tell him how much I loved you, how much I would have loved Bliss, how I would do anything for you. Let me tell him now.”
“Blue,” my mother called out from the front door as she held it open, blocking the small dog with her foot. “Let Jayden come in, your father said it's fine.”
“Mom, I—”
“He said it's fine.” Flaring her lids wider, she moved her eyes from me to Jayden. “Come on in, Jayden.” Holding the door open with one arm, she guided him inside with a smile.