by J. L. Wyer
“You and the twins and Ryder have always had a special bond. Everyone knows it and everyone sees it. I know you love each of them, but is that love the type of love that goes deeper? You need to ask yourself that question first.”
I think about Julien, his quick smile and kind spirit. How he makes me feel special. Jayson makes my heart pound. I look into his silver eyes and every part of me tingles. And then there is Ryder, my amber-eyed daredevil. He's the keeper of my heart. But we’re a unit, a unified team. What would happen if I chose one of them to give my heart to completely?
“I do have strong feelings for both Ryder and Jayson,” I finally say aloud. “Julien is my best friend, but my love for him is not like the deeper love you asked me about.” I pause, nose scrunching up in thought. “I’m just afraid that if I choose one, I will hurt the other two. I’m not going to be the one responsible for doing that to all of us.”
I exhale a sharp sigh. The brush Hailey holds drops from my hair. My sister reaches around me to give me a hug.
“What do you want, Lizzie? What would make you happy?”
I lean back into my sister’s arms, accepting the embrace and comfort she is giving.
“I won’t choose. I won’t,” I emphasize. “I wish the choice was taken out of my hands so I wouldn’t have to worry about it constantly, but I also just want things to stay the same.”
I’m a coward.
Hailey squeezes me tight and then gets up, yawning big while stretching her arms overhead. “Sorry sis. I’m exhausted. Get some sleep and hopefully the answer will come to you in your dreams. If not, then I’m always here for you.”
“Good night, Hales. Thanks for being such an awesome sister.”
“Always. Love you.”
Hailey walks through our jack-and-jill, closing both bathroom doors. My mind is too busy and full of thoughts running circles around my brain. I click off my bedroom light and walk over to the open window. Even though it’s the middle of the summer and the air is sticky with hot humidity, I keep my window open at night. I started doing that when the twins moved in next door. It’s how we connect to each other at night and it makes me feel safe.
The oak tree in front of my bedroom window begins to shake. Sometimes raccoons or possums climb the tree at night. I peer out to get a closer look when a tall figure appears, startling me before it swings through my window into my bedroom.
“Jayson?”
Jayson says nothing as he stands before me. His dark brown hair, which is disheveled and sticking up in various places, looks as if he’s been raking his hands through it. I can see the streaks of gold woven throughout his thick chocolate hair reflected by the faint light coming in through my window. Jayson’s metallic eyes bore into mine, their glow in the darkness rivaling that of a full moon. I’m forced to look up at him as he’s several inches taller than I am. He’s breathing hard, fists clenched at his sides. He looks angry, wild, but his eyes hold something else. Something that causes my pulse to skip and speed up.
“Jayson?” I ask again unsure, raising my hand to touch him.
As soon as my fingers graze the side of his face, his eyes change, his irises appearing almost black. He takes a step toward me. I take a step back. It’s almost like we’re dancing. My pulse quickens even more. Jayson’s eyes track across my face like a caress of the hand. He takes another step forward.
Something shifts between us. It’s electricity charged with lightning. It's so palpable, I can feel it. Every synapse, every nerve ending, fires to life within my body. He takes another slow half step toward me. His mesmerizing eyes hold my green ones and I couldn’t look away from him now if my life depended on it.
Slowly, very slowly, as if he’s about to touch something precious and fragile, Jayson lifts his right hand and cups the side of my face. He repeats this with his left hand. Using both thumbs, he gently tips my face upward. I freeze and my muscles lock up knowing what’s coming but disbelieving it’s about to happen.
Our eyes remain tethered together as he inches his face closer until I can feel the tickle of the breath from his parted lips onto mine. I hold my breath expectantly waiting for what’s to come. His lips touch mine.
It’s like an out of body experience.
My first kiss.
My first kiss with Jayson.
I've never really kissed a boy before. Yes, I know all my friends are way more experienced than I am when it comes to kissing boys. I have absolutely no experience to fall back on to help me figure out what I need to do. So I follow Jayson's lead. I can never possibly imagine that anyone will ever kiss me like Jayson is doing right now.
The sound of his phone pinging every second interrupts our kiss. I'm the first to pull away and that’s enough time for my brain to begin to clear and and for me to start to panic. What have we done?
“Liz. Stop.”
My panic rises.
“Jayson, what have we done?”
“Something we should have done a long time ago,” he replies softly, pulling me back for another kiss to prove his point.
“No, you don’t understand. You don’t get it,” my voice rises. “This changes everything. What happens to our friendship? What happens to Julien? To Ryder?”
At the mention of Ryder’s name, I feel Jayson tense.
Jayson pulls me backward to my bed and sits me down next to him.
“Liz, look at me.”
I refuse.
“Liz,” he says more sternly, “Look at me.”
Once he has my attention, he pulls my face to his and kisses me slowly, once, twice, three times, until all the tension leaves my body.
“I’ll deal with Julien and Ryder. You don’t need to worry about them. Nothing is going to change. I promise.”
My brows draw down in disbelief at his words.
“I promise,” he repeats again. “You will not lose any of us.”
“But this, you and me, changes everything Jayson.”
“I’m in love with you, Liz. I think I have loved you for a long time. Tell me you feel the same. Please tell me that we can be together, that you’ll be mine. I’ll do anything. Anything. Just tell me.”
His anguished words pleading with me to love him back tear down my walls of resistance. I do love Jayson. Very much. But part of me also loves Ryder. Another part is devoted to Julien. My heart belongs to all three boys, but I have to choose. And now, one of the boys I have loved since I was a little girl is in front of me, declaring his heart to mine, trusting that I won’t break it. And I won’t, I can’t. So I give in, letting him make my choice for me. Isn’t that exactly what I told Hailey I wished would happen? A part of me wonders what would have been if Ryder was the one who climbed up the tree tonight into my bedroom. I can’t be that selfish. Jayson waits patiently for my answer. I run my hands over his face and up into his hair. I kiss his cheek.
“Yes.”
I kiss his forehead.
“Yes.”
I kiss his nose.
“Yes.”
My eyes gaze at the gorgeous boy before me that has been my prince for so long.
“I love you too.”
Then I kiss his mouth.
Chapter 6
Julien
It’s after three in the morning when Jayson sneaks into our room through the window. I figured out where he was after I got home from Ryder’s and saw his shadow inside Elizabeth’s bedroom. I lied to Mom when she saw me walk in and asked me where Jay was. I said he was already asleep upstairs.
Ryder is a mess. I stayed with him after Jay ran off, and he and I just talked. He thinks Jay hates him. He thinks he’s lost his best friend. I reassured him over and over that everything was going to be okay. Jay simply needed a minute. Our bonds of friendship were strong. Eventually, I was able to convince Ryder of this, and I left his place feeling pretty good about things. But like the stupid jerk my twin brother just made me when I realized he was with Elizabeth, I was a liar. What I promised Ryder is now all a big fat lie, and
that makes me angry.
“Where have you been?” I demand when he comes through the window.
I glare at my brother as he strips off his shirt and shorts and climbs into bed like nothing has happened. His nonchalance only adds fuel to my anger. I chuck a pillow at his head.
“Hey! I asked you a question.”
“What! Leave me alone!” He turns his back to me and takes the pillow I just chucked at him, punching it a few times before laying his head on it.
When we were younger, we had bunk beds. I slept on the bottom while Jay had the top. We still share a room, but now it has two full beds instead of the bunks.
Needing to see his face, knowing I will catch him in a lie if he tries, I sit up and throw my legs over the side of my bed, ready to confront him.
“Are you seriously going to pretend that I just did not see you in Liz’s bedroom.”
I get nothing.
“After everything Ryder said to us tonight. He laid his heart out for us and you just stomped all over it.”
That gets his attention. Jay flings himself off his bed and lunges at me. My brother may be muscular, years of swimming giving him broad shoulders and strong arms, but I’m faster, my soccer skills and quick feet coming in handy. I dodge his attack easily and push against his back making him fall over onto my bed. He recovers instantly and jumps up to grab my shoulders.
I know he’s not fighting me. He’s fighting himself. He’s at war with what he’s done and needs to channel that aggression into something physical. Unfortunately, his punching bag is me. He sucker punches me in the jaw, but I give back as good as I get and clip him on the nose. We both freeze after seeing blood. Some is dripping from the cut he opened on my lip, and some from his nose where I punched him.
“What are we doing, man? Do you feel better now? Want me to see if Liz wants to come over so you can pummel on her too?”
Jay’s face blanches at the thought of anything hurting Elizabeth. He immediately backs down and takes a seat on the side of his bed. Like earlier tonight at Ryder's, his head hangs low, refusing to look at me.
He swallows a few times before speaking. “I panicked. I heard what he was saying and all I could think about was that I was going to lose Liz. My girl,” he thumps his chest above his heart. “I know I should’ve told her how I felt ages ago. I know I should’ve talked to Ryder. He and I have both been dancing around the subject for years. I wasn’t expecting him to finally grow a pair and pursue her. So yeah, I panicked.”
“You need to fix this, Jay.”
“I know. I promised Liz I would take care of everything. I’ll make sure she doesn’t lose any of us. I made her a promise, and I will never break my promises to her.”
“You didn’t see what you running off did to Ryder. He’s devastated. He thinks you hate him. I promised him otherwise. Told him you just needed a moment. Now I’m a liar thanks to you.”
If I thought Jay’s head couldn’t hang any lower in shame, I was wrong.
“Talk to me, brother. No matter what, I am here for you. But I won’t betray Ryder. I’m not going to keep things from him.”
“I love her, Julien. I’m sorry.”
I love my twin brother, too. I hate to see him tying himself up into knots about this. We all knew things would come to a head when it came to Elizabeth sooner or later. Lines would have to be drawn, boundaries established, choices made. I only wish he went about it better. Talked to Ryder instead of running off behind his back to stake his claim and steal her.
“You know, he still plans to talk to her tomorrow. You’re going to have to suck it up and talk to him first before he sees her or else it’s going to cause a lot of confusion and problems.”
I touch his shoulder. Sitting down beside him on his bed, I wrap my arm around his shoulder and pull him to me.
“Want to talk about it?”
Jay wipes a tear from the corner of his eye and smiles over at me. “I kissed her and it was beautiful.”
“Okay, not wanting too many details because the girl is my best friend and I may decide to punch you again if you made any moves on her, but go ahead,” I gesture to let him know he can continue talking about what happened between them tonight.
I stay with my brother until the sun comes up as he confesses every feeling, every thought to me. Liz told Jay she loved him back. Regardless of how screwed up the circumstances, she made a choice. I hope Ryder is strong enough to live with it.
Elizabeth
I feel my bed bounce which wakes me from the dream I was having. A dream of me, Jayson, Ryder, and Julien when we were younger. We’d been playing in our forest fort after coming back from the creek. I remember Jayson had found this rose-colored quartz rock in the shape of a heart that he gave to me to add to my jar collection. He placed it on my palm and I wrapped my fingers tightly around it, feeling its smoothness and warmth. I opened my hand to see that the heart-shaped rock was now broken, split and cracked down the middle. I looked up to ask Jayson what happened to it, but it was not Jayson in front of me anymore. It was Ryder.
“So which one was it?” a voice asks from beside me, pulling me from my dream.
I stretch my arms and legs out and roll over. Images from last night instantly flood my brain and I lift my fingers to my still tingling lips before opening my eyes to see Hailey’s face next to mine on the bed.
“What?” I’m still partially lost in my dream and not fully awake yet. I get a poke to the side of my ribs and sleepily swat it away.
“Which one was it? Jayson or Ryder? Or was it Julien?”
I look at her in confusion before realization dons on me.
“You know I can hear everything in my room even with the bathroom doors closed. Okay, well not everything, but the sound of a boy’s voice coming from your room last night after I left was unmistakable. Spill it sister. Which one was it?”
I don’t know if I’m ready to have this conversation yet. I haven’t had a chance to wrap my mind around everything that happened last night, the words that were spoken.
I love you Liz.
I love you too.
My fingers press against my lips again which causes Hailey’s eyes to grow big and her mouth to form an "O."
“I knew it!” she shrieks, bouncing up and down on my bed. “If you don’t tell me right now what happened last night, I will never speak to you again Elizabeth Penelope!”
“Yeah, right,” I scoff, not believing that for one second.
“Lizzie,” she whines.
“Fine.”
I sit up in bed and Hailey stops bouncing to sit cross-legged in front of me, clapping her hands together like she’s five years old and is about to get ice cream.
What do I tell her? How much should I share? Once I say the words, once I acknowledge what happened, there’s no going back. Am I ready for that? Am I ready for what’s to come?
“He kissed me.”
Hailey nods her head, waiting for me to continue. But that’s all I can get out. My thoughts simply shut down for a second and focus on that one thing. Jayson kissing me. The feel of his mouth on mine, the heady sensation that followed of my body firing to life, both hot and cold consuming me at the same time. I relive it all in that one second.
“You are such a biddy,” she laughs. “That’s all you’re going to say?”
She pushes me over and my head lands on my pillow, so I take that opportunity to snuggle in. Hailey lays down to face me and tucks my hair behind my ear, waiting patiently for me to find my words.
“It was Jayson,” I whisper to her.
Her eyes get big again.
“I wish I could explain exactly how I’m feeling. I wish I had your way with words, to be able to express myself in a poem. That’s what it feels like right now to me. A poem filled with romance, beauty, angst, life, heartbreak.” At heartbreak, my voice hitches. “He said he loves me. He said he’s loved me forever.”
“And what did you say to him? Do you love him back?”
; “Yeah, I do. You know that. I’m ecstatic, over the moon. Then I picture Ryder and feel awful.”
She touches my cheek in understanding. “Because you love him, too.”
I nod, a single tear sliding down to melt into her fingers that are pressed against my face.
“But that’s what you said you wanted Lizzie. You said you wanted them to choose for you. It sounds like Jayson chose and Ryder didn’t. And knowing you, you also told Jayson you loved him. So, ultimately, you chose as well. The next step is to talk to Ryder. Talk to Julien. Clear things up before next week because your teenage drama is not going to ruin our beach vacation!”
“Ryder said he wanted to talk to me this afternoon and is coming over.”
“Well, then, there’s your chance.”
She hops off my bed and smacks my butt. “Now, get a move on. Breakfast is ready. Mom sent me up here to get you and is probably wondering what’s taking us so long.”
Hailey skips out of my room. A warm summer breeze floats through my open window. I stand up and walk over, making sure to straighten out my tank top and boy shorts I wore to bed last night. My heart flutters as I approach the window wondering if Jayson and Julien are awake and if I’ll see Jayson standing at his window looking back at me. I peak over and notice that for the first time since we were six years old, their window is closed, curtains drawn. Does that mean something? Is Jayson regretting what happened last night? Uncertainty settles over me, but I can't keep standing here worrying, so I focus on taking a quick shower and head downstairs for breakfast.
“Mornin’, sweetpea,” Mom chirps at me from the kitchen island where she is plating pancakes and bacon.
I go over to give her a hug and a kiss before sitting down on the bar stool next to Hailey.
“Morning, Mom.”
“I need to go to the store this morning to pick up the stuff we need to take with us next week. I figure we can wait to do the grocery shopping once we get to the beach house. Did you want me to grab any snacks to take with us in the minivan?”
She hands me my plate and I grab the bottle of syrup and pour it over my pancakes. I'm allergic to dairy so she uses almond milk in the batter. I dip a piece of bacon into the sweet gooey goodness and pop it into my mouth.