by J. L. Wyer
“Why?" Jayson asks, but before Julien can answer him, he asks another question. "Why didn’t you tell me Julien?” Jayson’s face is etched with anguish. “I’m your twin brother! I should have been the first person you talked to. Why Liz? Why her and not me?”
“I don’t know. Liz is just the person I go to when I need to talk. I don’t know why I've been afraid to tell you. I guess I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”
Jayson's face is horrified when he looks at his brother. “You thought I would be… Why would you...”
Jayson gets up and rushes over to Julien, yanking him off the sofa into his arms. “I would never be disappointed in you. Never, Julien. I love you. You’re my brother. I love you.”
All of his pent up uncertainty release like a dam bursting as Julien starts to sob on Jayson’s shoulder, his arms convulsively tightening around his brother’s back. The scene before me is so earth-shattering, so real and emotional, I openly cry with them. Jayson reaches out to Elijah who’s been sitting silently and pulls him up to join him and Julien in the embrace.
For several minutes, I watch them cry and hold each other. Jayson is the first to let go. He takes Elijah’s arm. “Thank you for loving my brother, E.”
“That’s the easy part,” Elijah replies.
“Have you told Mom and Dad?”
“No.” Julien wipes his face on his shirt. “Would you mind being here with me when they get home tonight?”
“It would be my absolute honor, Jules.” Jayson embraces Julien again for one strong hug.
“I can stay too, Julien, if you want me to,” I speak from my corner of the room.
Jayson turns indignant eyes at me. “No. You need to leave, Liz.”
“Jay, she can stay. She has every right to stay. She’s been there for me and E. She has supported us the entire time. We wouldn’t know what to do without her.”
Jayson’s face morphs into anger once again. “Basically, what you’re confirming is that my girlfriend has been lying to me.”
“No, it’s not like that Jayson. I never lied to you. It wasn’t my story to tell. I couldn’t tell you without breaking Julien’s trust.”
“But I’m your boyfriend, Liz! The one person you’re supposed to love and trust more than anyone else! How could you keep a secret like this from me? From me! It should have been me he came to first. Me he talked to first. Not you!” he yells.
“Jay, she's right. It wasn’t her secret to tell. It was mine. And the fact I told her first shouldn’t be a factor of consideration. She was there for me when I needed her.”
"Me as well," Elijah adds, giving me a sympathetic smile.
Jayson shakes his head back and forth, a lock of his dark chocolate hair falling into his eyes. “No. All I see in front of me is someone who has lied to my face and kept a secret from me.” He points to me. “I can understand why Jules was afraid to tell me, but what I don’t understand is why you locked me out and kept it from me. How many opportunities did you have, Liz, to tell me to talk to my brother? That there was something going on with him and he needed me? He needed me too, Liz, and you took that away from me. You stole that chance from me. You stole time from me being there for him and support him.”
Jayson makes a strangled sound and sits back down on the sofa. “Get out, Liz. I can’t look at you right now. I can’t speak to you right now. Just get out. I want to be alone with Julien before our parents get home and I don’t want you here.”
“Jayson, please. Please. I never lied to you.” I try to reach for him again and he stands up and backs away from me.
“Get out! Now!” he shouts.
My face crumbles. I grab my purse and run out of the room, out of the house, and into my yard, tears making everything look blurry. I hear Julien and Elijah calling my name, but I don’t stop. Hailey must be home because our car is in the driveway even though the house looks dark and no lights are turned on. Of course she’s home now after ghosting me all day when I tried to find and talk to her. Dealing with Hailey will have to wait.
I reach in my purse and take out my keys as I run, and unlock the car door. I turn the ignition on and wipe the tears from my eyes because I can’t see well enough to drive. I don’t understand Jayson’s anger at me. Doesn’t he get that I couldn’t say anything to him without betraying Julien and breaking my word? I never lied to him. Did I? Freaking fantastic. He has me second guessing myself now. Well, screw him. I did the right thing. I won’t apologize for it. Jayson has kept things from me thinking that it’s for my own protection. I mean, look at what I found out today about Jacinda. He’s a hypocrite. He’s lied by omission to me several times. And instead of talking to me tonight, he kicked me out of his house. He yelled at me. Well, screw him! My mental tirade has me shaking and incensed. I wipe away more tears from my eyes once more and put the car into reverse.
Julien runs to the side of the car and pulls on the handle to open the door only to find it locked. His voice is muffled through the driver's side window.
“Liz, come back inside. He didn’t mean what he said. Please come back in with me.”
“I’m sorry, Julien. He doesn’t want or need me around him right now. I love you. I’m so proud of you for telling him tonight. It’s good he knows. Go back inside and be with him.”
“Liz, wait,” but I’m already backing down the driveway.
After driving around aimlessly for an hour, I find myself parked and staring at Randy’s garage. The bay doors are down but I can hear noises and music coming from inside. I open my car door. It’s late enough that the business should be closed, but I see Randy sitting inside at the counter typing at the computer. I knock on the glass door and he looks up, a smile splitting his face when he sees it’s me.
Randy walks over and unlocks the door for me enter. The smell of oil and rubber hits my nose. “Well, hey there, Lizzie. What brings you by tonight?” His smile falters when he notices my red, puffy eyes.
“Is Ryder around?”
“Yeah, sweetheart. He’s in the garage. Hold on a sec. Let me get him for you.”
A minute later, the music turns off and Ryder walks in with his dad, rag in his hands as he wipes the grease off of them. Randy says something to Ryder, then goes into his office and quietly closes the door.
“Good to see you’re alive. Julien and Elijah have been blowing up my phone the past hour.”
I nod, but don’t reply. Ryder throws the rag on the counter, his golden eyes giving me a thorough examination. “Come on. Let’s go in the back so we can talk in private.”
I follow him into the garage bay area. He pulls up a stool and offers it to me. I shake my head to decline, needing to stretch my legs after being in the car for an hour. Ryder retrieves a bottled water from the mini fridge at the back, twists the top off, and brings it to me. I take it gratefully because my throat is sore and parched from crying.
“Want to tell me what’s going on? I’m assuming that’s why you’re here.”
Holding the bottle with my left hand since my right hand is still too sore from punching Marshall, I tip the water back and look at him. I mean, really look at him. He looks good. Strong and vital and so damn handsome. I never allowed myself to really see him before. Not just the superficial things I’m attracted to like his golden eyes I know have flecks of green in them that are the same green as my eyes. Or the way his muscles bulge when he crosses them over his chest like he’s doing now. Or the cupid’s bow on his full top lip. His tanned skin or his devastating smile I am lucky to be the recipient of often. No. Those are only superficial qualities.
What I see now, perhaps truly for the first time, is how he always stands by me and supports me no matter what. How he has gifted me with his love and with his heart and not once expected anything in return. How he must love me so much, he was willing to give me up to Jayson and still remain my best friend even though I know it must kill him every day to see us together. I see all the years we’ve shared, all the times we keep finding
our way back together, how even though I love Jayson so very much, my heart has always belonged to Ryder.
“I’m tired, Ryder. I’m so tired.” I do take the stool now as my mental fatigue morphs into physical exhaustion. Ryder drags another stool over to sit in front of me. He takes the water from me, putting it down on the floor, and cradles my bandaged hand between the two of his.
“I never really thanked you for defending me last night. So thank you, Elizabeth.”
“Marshall deserved more. How is your car by the way?” I tilt my head over to the Challenger that’s currently perched up on a lift.
“Minor stuff I can handle easily. Almost done actually. I’ve been working on it all day.”
“That’s good. I’m glad.”
Ryder lifts my bandaged hand and peels back the gauze to inspect my swollen knuckles. His thumb lightly rubs over each one before he pulls the gauze back down. “You should call Julien. He’s worried about you but wouldn’t tell me why. Where’s Jayson?”
Where to start? “Jayson’s with Julien and Elijah at the house.”
“Why aren’t you with them then?”
“Jayson kicked me out.”
Ryder’s head jerks back, not understanding. “Why the hell would Jay kick you out their house?”
“He’s angry at me. He thinks I’ve been lying to him.”
Ryder bites on his lower lip, considering my words. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Julien and Elijah would it?”
I peer into his face and it hits me. “You know?”
“Pretty much.”
“Did Julien tell you?”
“No. I kind of clued in a while ago. I figured when Jules was ready, he would tell me himself. But, yeah, I figured it out a long time ago. Wasn’t that hard. You can tell how much he and Elijah care about one another. How happy Julien is whenever Elijah is around. It’s obvious.”
Doesn’t that beat all, I think to myself, chuckling out loud. All this time, Ryder had it figured out while Jayson said he had no idea. I’ll have to add perceptive to Ryder’s list of qualities.
“Julien’s going to tell his parents tonight. Jayson’s there with him.”
“You should be there too, Elizabeth.”
“I want to be, but Jayson is so angry with me. He said some hurtful things he won’t be able to take back. Things I won’t be able to easily forgive him for this time. How many times am I going to allow him to hurt me before I say enough is enough?”
Ryder pulls my stool closer to his, the sound dulled by the epoxied flooring. He lifts my chin so we are eye to eye.
“Loving someone isn’t easy, Elizabeth. I should know. There are so many good days that even the few bad ones can’t lessen them. Today is just one of the bad ones. You and Jayson have known each other for a long time. That kind of friendship and love just doesn’t disappear and evaporate at the first sign of anger or because you’re fighting.”
I push away from him, pissed off at everything. I start pacing around the garage. “He’s being a hypocrite, Ryder. He keeps things from me all the time. Stuff about Jacinda. Stuff about Marshall. Stuff with Fallon. I didn’t lie to him about Julien. If even at one time over the past few years he asked me point blank about Julien, I would have told him to talk to his brother. But I never lied. I didn’t keep secrets from him. It wasn’t even my secret to tell! What kind of friend would I be if I broke my promise to Julien?”
I stop in front of Ryder who’s watching me from his place on the stool. “I know loving someone is hard.” I consider how Ryder has loved me for years. How he gave me up after that night when I didn’t even know I had a choice. “Why didn’t you fight for me?” I shout at him, my emotions all over the place. Anger at Jayson. Loving Jayson. Anger at Ryder. Loving Ryder.
“What?”
“Why didn’t you fight for me, Ryder? When Jayson snuck into my bedroom that night and you came over the following afternoon. If memory serves me, you told me you wanted to talk to me that day. But Jayson got to me first, and then you guys fought on my front lawn. So why didn’t you fight harder for me? Why did you give up so easily?”
Ryder’s mouth opens and closes several times. The look of confusion on his face would be funny, but I’m too upset to find the humor in it. We’re facing each other as if in a standoff. He’s not willing to answer my question and I’m not willing to let it go. You know what? Screw it. Screw it all. I feel like choices have been stolen from me. Whom I’m allowed to love. Where to go to college. How I’m to live my life. The mess with Maria. The mess with Jacinda. I’ve always been meek and pliable, doing what I’m told, letting others decide for me and never speaking up for myself. The stereotypical good girl. Last night when I punched Marshall — that felt good. I felt strong and capable and free. I made that choice to hit him. My choice. Now, I’m choosing this.
Before I have a chance to change my mind, I’m standing in front of Ryder and I bend down to touch my lips to his.
My choice.
There’s a second of hesitation from him before his arms band around me and his mouth opens to mine. I tangle my tongue with his, his lips so soft yet firm and oh, so wonderful. He makes a guttural moan fusing our mouths tighter together. I started out the aggressor — again, my choice — but now he’s the one taking control. A decade’s worth of unrequited love and passion pour into our kiss.
My choice.
Ryder
As soon as Elizabeth’s lips touch mine, I’m done for. My desire for her overrides my conscience, and to repeat what she said to me earlier tonight, I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this. Tired of always being the one to walk away. Tired of watching Jay take what should have been mine. Because she’s always been mine, even when she wasn’t. If this is my one opportunity to kiss her the way I have fantasized about, then I’m taking it. Consequences be damned. Jayson be damned. So I lay myself bare and exposed to her, giving her everything I have in me with this kiss.
I pull back to look at her face. He green eyes flicker open and we stare at each other. "Kiss me again," she begs.
I stand up from the stool with her clinging to me like she'll never let me go. Her arms are twined around my neck and she's pressed close to my front. I feel the necklace that holds the promise ring Jayson gave to her at prom digging into my chest, and my conscience finally wins out.
“Elizabeth, we can’t.” God, that’s so painful to say. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
“What?” she asks, utterly confused.
“We need to stop.”
“Why?” she asks, her one word filled with the pain of rejection.
I gently touch her neck, lifting the chain from under her shirt so it's dangling between us. The ring on the necklace mocks me, reminding me that Elizabeth is not mine to take.
“This is why,” I tell her.
She looks down at it and covers my fingers with her own. Stepping away, she tucks the necklace back under her shirt.
“Ryder, my heart has been as much yours as Jayson’s since the day we met. And I’m done letting everyone make decisions for me. I won’t do it anymore. Jayson keeps making plans for our future and I get no say in it. How do I know what I want if I’m never given a choice, never given a chance to decide for myself? Maria was right. She said I was selfish. That I wanted everything but was willing to give up nothing. In a way she’s right.”
Elizabeth comes back to me and encircles her arms around my waist. “I want you, Ryder. I want to be able to explore what this is between us. I don’t want to live in anymore ‘what ifs.’ Watching Marshall try and run you off the track… something snapped inside me. The thought of losing you, of not having you in my life,” she chokes up, not able to continue.
My pulse is hammering so hard it shakes my body. The words my dad said to me come back. He told me that Elizabeth needed to be given time to figure out what she wanted. She needed to be allowed a chance to choose her future.
“What about Jayson?”
“I l
ove Jayson.”
The dreams that were beginning to swirl and morph scatter at her words, but then re-form when she brings her lips up to mine and says, “But I love you too. I need you, Ryder. I need to know our ‘what if.’ Things can’t continue the way they are now.”
“Jayson isn’t going to sit back and allow you to be with me and not him. You know that. And I’m not sneaking behind his or Julien’s backs.”
“I know, and I’m not asking you to. The only thing I need to know is, do you want to be with me?”
"God, yes," I answer her without hesitation.
Because I can’t resist any longer, I pull her face up to mine and kiss her. “I love you, Elizabeth.”
We hold each other like that for a while, suspended in our own reality that not even time can penetrate. Dad comes in an hour later telling us he's closing shop. I help Elizabeth into her car, and because my dad is watching, I don't kiss her goodnight. She asks me if I would like to pick her up for school tomorrow morning. Of course I say yes.
Chapter 24
Jayson
After a long night of tossing and turning, I’m tired and running on fumes. As I’ve said before, my parents are just plain awesome. Elijah and I sat with Julien as he told our parents about their relationship. Of course, both Mom and Dad welcomed Elijah into our family with open arms, and Mom insisted Elijah stay for dinner. It was good, real good, to see my brother happy and relaxed. Like finally, for the first time, he was able to dump the weight of the world from his shoulders and just be in the moment. After dinner, we all played a board game and then watched a movie. Elijah left around midnight and Julien and I stayed up for a couple more hours talking. We both conked out on the sofa. Not the most comfortable place to sleep, hence the restless night.
Julien talked me down from my anger at Liz. Just another tally mark on how many times I’m going to mess up when it comes to her. I felt horrible about the way I yelled at her and the guilt has been eating me up ever since. Part of me wanted to run out of the house and grab her into my arms, beg her to forgive me, and tell her how much I love her. The other part of me needed more time before I faced her because I’m a coward. I don’t know what to say to her so she’ll forgive me.