by Amy Field
The breath caught in her throat as she realized what was happening and instinctively her hand went to her neck an action she did whenever she was gobsmacked.
“My intentions are the same as before Martha, and I truly believe that we are ready for the next step. So if you are willing to have me, I want you to become my wife.”
Instead of answering she found herself jumping into his arms which caught him by surprise and made him imbalanced. They both fell to the grass covered ground with her atop him and she began to rain kisses over his face before she answered his question.
“I have been waiting for you to ask since the day I accepted your courtship,” she replied to a smiling Mark.
“Well I’ve been itching to ask long before that,” he commented and earned an even bigger smile from her.
Martha lay her head on his chest listening to the steady beat of his heart even as he placed a hand on her back and rubbed soothingly. She revelled in the attention loving the feel of his hand over her clothed flesh and eager to feel the direct heat from his large calloused hand.
The announcement of their impending nuptials was made public knowledge at the church the following week to much applause and congratulatory hugs and handshakes. Most persons were happy for them but a few were a little put off, especially the women who had been interested in him.
The most evident displeasure came from Anne.
“I do hope you are able to keep yourself for your husband, Martha as it was a dying shame what happened between you and that heathen,” Anne spoke after an opportunity presented itself for the two of them to in the same vicinity and away from listening ears.
“Hello Anne,” Martha answered pleasantly though she was far from it. “Is there a reason you followed me all the way out here?”
“I just wanted to congratulate you on yet another marriage,” she answered innocently.
“Then why do you bring up the past?” she asked seriously staring into the vindictive woman’s eyes daring her to be straight with her.
Her stomach roiled with the possibility that Anne could cause mischief for her and Mark and she truly wanted to know what her angle was now.
“Oh, I truly wasn’t trying to offend you,” she replied with a sly smile. “I am simply concerned about you and Mark. I remember the state of your marriage to Matthew back then but I was not able to do anything to help you get back on the right track. But we are neighbours, you and Mark and I.”
Martha wanted to scoff at her response but refrained from doing so as she waited for the vile woman to continue.
“I just want you to remember the good bible says we should not covet thy neighbour’s property and that we should not commit adultery. Those two are truly heinous crimes,” she shuddered. “Don’t you agree?”
“What do you want, Anne?” Martha asked sternly her patience having worn out.
The woman turned her sky blue eyes on her with a conniving smile on her lips.
“Oh, just to inform you that your former lover, the heathen is back in town. Word has it he’s coming back for good to take over old man Walkin’s furniture business.”
At the mention of Stephen Martha felt her heart beat erratically and the air whooshed out of her lungs as her mouth parted in fear and surprise.
“Wh-what?” she stuttered as she placed a hand around her neck in disbelief. Of all the times for him to show up why did it have to be now?
“You heard me. He’s taking over his father’s company,” she reaffirmed.
“I would hate to see poor Mark be led into something that will only cause him pain in the end…” Anne droned on but Martha wasn’t listening; she was a blubbering mess. Without a word Martha turned and made her way to Mark who had promised to take her on an evening stroll after service.
“Are you alright?” he asked with concern etched on his face as she approached him looking ashen and scared.
“No, I think I need to go home,” she replied.
Without another word he steered her towards the buggy and after helping her up he informed Leah that they were leaving and that she could come when she was ready with the boys.
“Is it something that you ate?” Mark asked when she was finally situated in the living room of her home with her back propped against a pillow on the sofa.
“No, I didn’t eat anything. It’s nothing like that,” she assured him. Martha looked at the man who had brought life back into her life and thought about how much she had grown to love him. The truth was she was still in love with Stephen as well and she wondered if she was strong enough not to succumb to his charms and fall back into the pattern they had developed the last time he had been back. She truly did not want to hurt Mark but the situation was not as cut and dried as it was with Matthew.
“I need to tell you something,” she said looking into his green eyes that showed only his love and concern for her. Her heart broke at the possibility that the same eyes would come to reflect only hatred and disdain for her after what she had to tell him.
“What is it?” he asked eager to know how he could help her.
Martha sat up straight and offered him a seat beside her.
“There is something I have to tell you and it isn’t very pleasant,” she started. “When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend. We loved each other very much but he wasn’t compliant with the Ordhung and so we kept our relationship a secret.” Martha turned cautious eyes towards Mark to see that he was listening to her intently. She averted her eyes, afraid she wouldn’t be able to continue if she saw them transform before her.
“I lost my virginity to him but then he left the community. He left me and I was heartbroken. My father pushed me to marry Matthew even though we didn’t love each other. After a time I got used to the routine that my life had become especially with the birth of my children. But then he came back and I couldn’t resist him because the love I had for him was still present.” This time she turned to look him straight in the eyes as she finished what she had to say.
He was still staring at her but his expression was unreadable and she cringed inwardly as she imagined what could be going through his head.
“I committed adultery Mark,” she revealed as the tears stained her cheeks.
“What is his name?” he asked after some time of silence, his voice flat and void of emotion.
“Stephen Walkins,” she replied softly.
“The Stephen Walkins that just came back to the community?” he asked and she couldn’t force the words to leave her mouth so she simply nodded.
Mark let out a heavy breath before turning away from her to look ahead and her heart plummeted to the bottom of her stomach.
“Do you still love him?” he finally asked.
She sat for a while thinking about her feelings for Stephen.
“I don’t know, maybe,” she responded honestly. “I will understand if you no longer find me suitable Mark,” she responded as she arose ready to grant him his wish to leave if he so chose.
Sighing he rose and came to stand before her and took her hands in his. Martha looked up at him confused as she was expecting him to shun her.
“I’m not mad at you Martha,” he confessed. “You were young and your father should not have done what he did. I’ve lived for quite some time now and I know for certain that it isn’t always easy to give up on someone just because they aren’t a part of what you believe in. I also know that it can cause you to become confused. I won’t judge you for that for I am sure you have been in turmoil over it long enough.”
Martha stared at him stunned by his response. How could he not want to call her out of her name and cast judgement at her feet like she was sure the whole community would have done if they knew.
“The only thing I am now concerned about is where your heart lies. I will give you some time to think about it and when you are sure about your response you can let me know,” he spoke giving her hand a slight squeeze before turning and retrieving his hat and jacket.
“I want y
ou to think about what will make you happy and not what will make the other person happy Martha, or you will never truly feel free and committed to your faith,’ he said before leaving her alone with her thoughts.
For the entire week, Martha remained at home fearful of running into Stephen. Mark had not visited either and it left her feeling lonely as she missed the evening strolls they went on and the meals they shared as a family with his two boys and Leah.
She had finally been warming up to the idea of what the word 'family' really meant but now it seemed like it was being taken away from her. On the other hand, maybe this was a chance for her and Stephen to rekindle their romance and finally take a leap of faith together.
If Stephen truly loved her, then he would want what’s best for her, and not force her into doing things against her will. He would understand her need for commitment, and not secret rendezvous in old dilapidated buildings and thickly forested areas.
Her chance to attain what was his true intentions towards her came one day while she was at home doing some washing. She heard a loud knock on the front door which surprised her as she wasn’t expecting visitors. Drying her hand on a towel she went to open the door. Before her stood Stephen, tall and strapping with the most vibrant green eyes that had always been her kryptonite.
“Hello Martha,” he greeted her with a huge smile on his face.
“Stephen, you’re here,” she replied flustered.
“In the flesh,” he smiled once more displaying the dimples on either side of his cheeks. “I brought you some peaches,” he said holding up a pail full of the succulent fruit.
“Please come in,” she ushered him inside and he gladly obliged.
Stephen followed her into the dining room and placed the pail on the table as she stood nervously watching him. Without warning, he turned and embraced her. Instinctively her hands went around his neck taking in his male scent. Finally catching up on herself she released him and put some space between them.
His green eyes followed her actions keenly.
“So how have you been?” she asked trying to keep her mind focused and to pull off a less than nervous attitude.
“I have been good,” he replied still watching her. “I heard you were engaged to a deacon,” he continued in a careful conversational tone.
“Oh yes,” she quickly responded. “Mark is a lovely man…”
“Do you love him?” Stephen interrupted her.
Looking him straight in the eyes she replied, “I do love him.”
“More than how you love me?” he challenged.
At this Martha cringed as she had no clear response for the question. She knew that she loved them both but to whom she felt more affectionate she could not say. Perhaps if he had come back a few months ago, without a doubt she would have been able to tell him that no one could hold a candle to the love she had for him. But it was different now. She genuinely loved Mark and the love she felt for him was on equal standing with what she felt for Stephen.
“That is not important Stephen, I am marrying Mark,” she affirmed.
In one swift motion he was upon her and he crushed her to his chest as his lips came down on hers. She gasped in surprise and he used it to slip his tongue into her mouth and explored the wet caverns. She found herself melt in his arms and her arms went around his neck as she kissed him fervently. After a few minutes of revelling in the feel of him her senses kicked back into full gear and she pushed away from him.
“What are you doing?” she asked perturbed.
Ignoring her question he asked one of his own. “Does he kiss you like this? To the point that your heart races and your toes curl with the pleasure of feeling my lips on yours?”
“Stephen, stop!” she warned. “I love Mark and I’m marrying him. He’s giving me everything I’ve ever wanted,” she affirmed.
“But he’s not me, Martha,” he challenged.
She started to respond but he continued. “I came back with the intention of picking up on where we left off. You said that I didn’t have anything to offer you but now I do. I have a home of my own, a business and I want to marry you. I want you by my side,” he spoke earnestly as he held her clammy hand in his.
“Why are you doing this to me Stephen?” she asked in a strangled voice.
“Because I love you,” he replied.
At this the doorbell rang causing her to recoil from his touch as she looked at him nervously before going to open the door.
“Martha, it is good to see you still clothed and ready to receive visitors,” spoke Anne who stood at her door with an insincere smile.
“What do you want Anne?” Martha asked beyond irritated by the woman’s constant interference.
“To simply witness the work of the good Lord,” she replied cheekily just as a buggy pulled up to the gate. Looking behind the woman she realized who it belonged to and could only guess that this was a doing of the vile woman before her.
“You know Anne, the bible also says that we should pray for our enemies and for those who despitefully use and abuse you, so that is what I will be doing for you,” Martha said giving her a pointed stared.
“When have I ever…” Anne spoke with indignation but Martha cut her off, “Save it I am in no mood for the melodrama.” Just as she finished, Mark came bounding up the stairs of the porch.
“Is everything okay?” he asked his voice breathless and concerned, “I rushed over here as fast as I could.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked confused.
“Anne said you had an emergency,” he explained equally confused. Just then Stephen came to the door – the real reason Anne had gone out of her way to get him over there.
“Oh, I see you have company,” he responded in a dejected voice earning a curious glance from Anne.
“Surely you are not going to leave your fiancé in the company of another man Deacon?” Anne asked with masked concern. “We can’t be ignorant of the devil’s devices and let him through the door that is how families are destroyed,” she reasoned with an air of piety.
“Thank you for your concern Anne. But I trust Martha to do what is right,” he said fixing his stare on her. He then turned to Stephen and held out his hand, “I apologize, I forgot my manners. I am Deacon Mark Shultz.”
Stephen took his hand and shook it carefully. “It is good to meet you Deacon. I am…”
“Stephen Walkins. I know. Martha told me about you,” he spoke up cutting Stephen off mid-sentence.
“Oh,” he replied warily as Anne’s eyes bugged out of their sockets at the fact that she no longer had her leverage with which to use to torment Martha.
“You can stay. I was just about to leave and I think Martha has something to tell you,” he said pointedly stepping through the door and proceeding down the steps without a backward glance.
“Well it seems all is well,” Anne said in her insincere tone, “I’ll just be going.”
Neither Martha nor Mark bothered to acknowledge her and she left the two of them staring at each other.
“So what is it that you have to tell me?” Mark asked cautiously after she ushered him inside.
“Stephen asked me to marry him,” she replied carefully watching his expression.
“And what was your answer?” he asked, his face revealing nothing of what he was feeling.
“I didn’t answer. Anne interrupted us and then you arrived.”
“And if we had not interrupted what would it have been?” he asked undeterred by her response.
“I don’t know Mark,” she responded exasperated at his lack of emotion. “Why can’t you just tell me how you feel about this? Shout at me, anything!” She was raising her voice in exasperation.
“Because I am waiting for you to tell me how you truly feel Martha,” he responded evenly, looking at her intently.
Sighing, he rose from the chair he occupied.
“I truly need you to be honest with me and yourself, and until that happens the wedding is off.” He
raised a hand to stop her protest as he finished, “I love you Martha, believe me I do, and as much as I want you to be apart of my life, I want you to be happy. If Stephen is who makes you happy I will step aside and let you be with him.”
Martha started crying.
“But it looks as if that is what you are doing now,” she sobbed into his shirt. He simply rubbed her back calming her before he disentangled himself and left.
Stephen had been by the house two times after that. Martha had told him that she needed time to think, which he gave her. She only saw Mark at the service on Sunday, but they barely exchanged words. He left as soon as it was over, leaving her sad and miserable.
“Mother, I have something to tell you,” came Leah’s tentative voice as Martha stooped to check on the cherry pie she was baking in the oven.
Rising to her full height she turned to her daughter whose face showed signs of distress.
“What is it Leah?” she asked her motherly instincts kicking into gear.
“I met someone but he isn’t from here,” she started off slowly.
Martha suddenly felt light about her daughter. At last she was opening up.
“Go on,” Martha encouraged.
“I have been seeing him whenever he visits Miss Yoder. He’s her nephew…”
Martha’s heart plummeted in her chest as she listened to her daughter speak about a situation that was all too familiar to her.
“He wants me to come away with him to live amongst the Englischers but I told him I can’t. He says there is no way he would ever want to live as an Amish and I just feel awful.”
Taking her daughter’s face in her hands she looked lovingly into her eyes.
“You've just turned sixteen, Leah, and he represents everything that you can’t get here. But if you give it time you can find that everything you’ve always wanted is right here, you don't have to go anywhere to get it. It will hurt now, but over time it gets better and then with God you will feel nothing,” she encouraged.
“Whatever you decide, I am here for you though,” she finished and Leah hugged her tightly, grateful for the word of advice from her mother.