by Amy Field
Anna nodded, her thoughts still on Paul. She hoped Lisa would be the one to go as she could go any time. Paul had refused to tell her who it was but there was only one day left until they would all know.
Anna looked at her sandwich, finding it unappealing. She forced herself to take a bite and chewed slowly, washing it down with milk.
“Anna, are you alright?” Lisa’s voice came through.
“I am fine,” Anna said automatically.
“You have been like this for three days!” Lisa said.
“You can tell us, we are your friends, OK?” Sam said and touched her hand.
Anna pulled away and nodded. She wanted to tell them but that would bring about the whole question of who the father was and she couldn’t handle that. She couldn’t out her and Paul’s relationship so it would have to remain a secret for now.
Paul didn’t come to the apartment that night. He had sent her a message telling her that he was too busy with work and Anna hadn’t written him a reply. She had been disappointed that he hadn’t come as she had been planning to tell him about the baby. She had practiced in front of the mirror a dozen times and dressed with care. She was disappointed that he hadn’t come.
An errant thought entered her mind, maybe when she told Paul, he would ask her to marry him. She didn’t know why the thought came but it brought her great joy. To marry Paul, it would be the best thing, seeing as they were going to have a child.
She thought about the number of times that Paul had talked about having children. He had always sounded so wistful that she felt sad for him. Well, now he would have a baby, now if he only gave her the chance to tell him that.
Anna sat down on her couch and then fell sideways, lying down. Her eyes were focused on her television but her mind was far away, lost in her thoughts. Tomorrow was the day for the announcement of the New York trip, maybe afterwards she would have the chance to talk to him. She would have to wait until then.
Anna didn’t like waiting but she didn’t have a choice.
She didn’t sleep the entire night.
She tossed and turned, trying desperately to go to sleep but couldn’t. She had always had this problem, every time she had something important to do, she lost her sleep. She got up, bleary eyed and tired, and dressed for work.
Today was the day, it would all end today or at least she hoped it would. Today, she would tell him. Before she left for work, she had a call from the doctor’s office, asking her when she would schedule the ultra-sonogram. Dr. Andrews had recommended her to a gynaecologist. Anna hadn’t confirmed it as she wanted Paul to be with her so she held them off, telling them that she would inform them later. Anna packed her things for work and headed out.
At the office, everyone was tensed. She could see it in their eyes, the official decision was to be released after lunch and so no one could stand still. They kept bumping into each other or congregating in corners, whispering. The whole issue had been blown out of proportion and Anna was getting tired of getting cornered by people.
She had some time alone during noon and Sam arrived with Lisa behind him.
“You don’t look nearly as excited,” Sam said disapprovingly.
“I don’t have to be. I am not winning,” Anna replied.
“Come on, be confident! You worked your butt off for this!” Lisa said.
“You mean you worked your butt off for this,” Anna said with a smile.
Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Paul head for his office. Anna made a split decision and got up.
“Where are you going?” Lisa asked.
“I just have to see Mr. Mercer for something. Excuse me,” Anna said and walked off.
She steeled her nerves, she would tell him and she had to but was this the right time? She was wrought with indecision yet again but she didn’t stop walking and she pushed open his door. Paul sat by his desk and as she walked in, he put something in his drawer.
“Yes?” he asked.
His voice was very formal and it intimidated her but Anna couldn’t stop. She decided to start slow.
“You weren’t at home last night,” she said.
“I told you, I had work to do.”
“Paul, I feel like you have been avoiding me,” she said.
“You are imagining things,” Paul said, avoiding looking at her eyes.
“Am I really Paul?” Anna said painfully.
He looked at her and Anna saw what looked like a flash of betrayal in his eyes but as quickly as it had come, it disappeared.
“You wouldn’t betray me would you?”
Anna’s heart froze. Why was he asking such a question? Was this the time to tell him? But looking at him, she couldn’t get the words out of her throat. She couldn’t speak and only shook her head. Paul looked away from her and said,
“Then you have nothing to worry about. You should go back to work, people are going to think it’s suspicious that you are here.”
Anna turned and left but outside, she stopped outside his door and shook her head in anger. Why hadn’t she told him? Why had she chickened out in the last minute? She was such an idiot. Sighing, she went back to work, at least it would take the mind off of the whole matter.
It was time for the announcement and they were all gathered in the conference room. All the employees of their department, which counted up to thirty people, along with the senior members. Paul sat with the managers and Anna found that she was only focused on him. She couldn’t help but keep her eyes on him the whole time. Paul, what was he thinking? Why would he ask such a strange question?
She had no idea and she wished she had.
Paul stood up.
“We have reached our decision on the person who will be going to New York. As you know, this is an important deal for all of us and the person going will have a lot of work placed on their shoulders,” he said.
Everyone nodded, hanging off to his words but Anna barely heard them. She was thinking about how to tell him that she was pregnant when she heard him announce who the person was.
“Lisa Jenkins. You’ll be going to New York.”
Lisa yelped and stood up, a wide grin on her face. Anna clapped her hands for her friend and Lisa smiled at her as she went to thank Paul. But what she didn’t know was that it wasn’t over yet.
“I want to announce something,” Paul said.
Everyone looked at him waiting.
“Miss Lester, please come to the front.”
Anna stood up and went to the front, a confused look on her face.
“As of today, your employment in this company is terminated. You cannot stay here and I want you to clear your desk in the next hour,” Paul said coldly.
Anna stood there, staring at him, a glassy look in her eyes. Had he just said what she thought he had? He had fired her? Anna looked at every one and saw them whisper, leaning in. Lisa’s mouth had dropped open and Anna couldn’t say anything. Paul seemed like a stranger, how could he do this? He had done the worst possible thing, by announcing her termination in front of everyone, he had ensured that they would talk about it. Her name would be in the mud.
She could never live it down and her contract was still active in the company. If she went to find a job somewhere, they would ask her questions and the chances were that they wouldn’t hire her after this whole situation. He had ruined everything for her. Why would Paul do something like this?
She didn’t deserve to be fired but no one was protesting it and all Anna could do was blindly find the door and escape the room.
Anna was sitting at the table when Paul entered the apartment. She hadn’t changed or moved from that position in the last hour and when he came in, she looked up, her eyes puffy and red.
“What was that?” she asked quietly. “How could you do that to me?”
Paul didn’t answer and she stood up, glaring at him.
“How could you do that?” she demanded. “How?”
“You are asking me that? How could you cheat on me with Sam?�
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“Cheat on you? What kind of rubbish are you spouting?” Anna said and it occurred to her, he had seen the report.
“I know you are pregnant which means you cheated on me.” Paul spat back.
“Paul, this is your child! I never cheated on you, this is your child!” Anna cried out.
“Lies!” Paul said scornfully. “You are a liar and I am glad I fired you, I don’t ever want to see you again. Our relationship is over!”
With that, he left the apartment and Anna collapsed to the floor as the tears fell from her eyes. He had done what she had been afraid of. What would she do now? She had been dreaming for a happy ending but it had disappeared right in front of her eyes. Everything he did for the last few days suddenly made sense. He avoided her and he kept looking at her with Sam, had he been so consumed with jealousy that he wouldn’t believe her? The Paul she loved, had he really not existed? Was it all for naught?
Anna knew she couldn’t break down, not when she had a baby to take care of so she forced herself to get up. She had to do something for the baby and she couldn’t do that in this city. She had to get a fresh start. Paul had said that he didn’t want to see her, well he wouldn’t have to. She would find a place to go, far away from him.
And as she thought that, the place came to mind.
It would be perfect.
Chapter Four
Four months later…
“I like the touches you put into it,” Robert Prices said. “But you are looking pale Paul, are you okay?”
Paul nodded. His head hurt and he didn’t think he could keep standing. He had been feeling this way for the last week and he knew what the symptoms represented but he had stubbornly refused to acknowledge it.
He was suffering from heartbreak.
Anna had left, the day after she had gotten, fired by him. He had gone back to the apartment and found it empty, her clothes had disappeared along with everything she owned and when he was sure she was gone, his legs gave way and his eyes filled with tears. The love of his life had left him. His sadness was tinged with anger, she had betrayed him and left but he couldn’t bring himself to truly hate her. He knew a part of him would always love her.
He had to control himself for the office and a week later, Anna’s landlord had asked him to remove his things from the apartment, Anna had asked him to sell the apartment. That had been doubly hard, though they had both paid for the apartment, the deed had her name on it. Paul had done so and another week later, he found a check in his mailbox for the amount he had paid for the apartment. There was no return address on it and he hadn’t cashed the check, keeping it inside his drawer, unable to let go.
As a coping mechanism, he had worked harder than he did before and gotten stricter but at night, he was aware of his loneliness and he missed her a lot. Sometimes, walking past Lisa, he had the urge to ask her where she was but after the incident, Lisa only had glares for him. No doubt she was angry about the way he had fired her friend and refused to talk to him for anything other than work. Word of the way he had fired her had gotten round and his reputation had become that of an extremely strict person. He had to answer to his superiors but afterwards, Paul had regretted what he had done. He shouldn’t have gone about it as he had but he had been so angry at her that he couldn’t control himself. His pain had taken over.
Where was she? A part of him wanted to find her and ask her if she was okay but he didn’t have the courage. He couldn’t get over how she had betrayed him.
“I think you should go see a doctor. Maybe a therapist.”
“I am sorry?” Paul snapped back to attention.
“I have seen the signs before and trust me, a therapist will make you feel better,” Robert said sympathetically. “I’ll give him a call and you have to promise me that you’ll keep it.”
Paul was helpless as Robert dismissed him, the last thing he wanted to do was visit a therapist but he was trapped. He had to accept it or he would end up offending his boss and there was no way he wanted to do that.
The therapist’s name was Joseph Talen. He was a man with a thick beard and thinning hair. He looked Paul over with a practiced eye and indicated at him to sit down. Paul sat down, sure that nothing was going to happen. All therapists were quacks anyway.
He had to admit that his office was great-looking. It was tastefully decorated with pieces by well-own artists and the couch was comfortable. Paul decided that he would stay the hour and then tell his boss that he went. He had already made the decision that he wouldn’t come back.
“Tell me, why are you here?” Dr. Talen asked.
“You know wh? My boss, Robert Price made me come here,” Paul said impatiently.
“I see. But there had to be a reason why he forced you to come.” Dr. Talen said.
“I am just overworked.”
“It doesn’t look like it to me. You seem like there’s something else bothering you,”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Paul said defensively.
“You can’t hide behind it.”
“I…” Paul hesitated.
He didn’t know why but when he opened his mouth, he began to speak about Anna and their relationship. He spoke fondly of her at first and his eyes lit up but when he spoke about the baby, his voice filled with venom. Dr. Talen noted down everything and listened to him carefully. He could see that the supposed betrayal had struck Paul hard but he could also see that something didn’t quite add up.
“You are sure she betrayed you?”
“I just said that. I am sterile, there’s no way I could have a kid.”
“Mr. Mercer - Paul - you just said that Anna isn’t the type of person to lie, do you really think that she would have lied to you?”
Paul couldn’t say anything and he knew that Dr. Talen was using his own words against him. Wasn’t Anna the type of person to never lie to him? Then how had she done such a thing? It had hit him hard and he wasn’t prepared for what the doctor said next.
“Maybe you should also reevaluate your condition,” Dr. Talen suggested.
“Are you saying I should check if I am sterile or not?” Paul said.
“It could be worth a shot.”
“That’s impossible! I have always…” Paul stopped.
Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to put this thing to rest. He may have to deal with the pain of nothing having changed. But there was a small chance it may have, and he's willing to take the chance. For his own sake, he reminded himself.
The fertility clinic was small, even though he was the only male present inside. There were women around him, all in different stages of pregnancy and as Paul waited, he couldn’t help but notice the glow that impending motherhood gave them. Was this how Anna was? Her stomach rounded with her skin glowing? His hands clenched of their own accord, he was missing out on it. How stupid of him.
No, he did the right thing. Anna had been cheating on him. Three months ago, Paul would have said it with certainty but now he wasn’t so sure. Dr. Talen had successfully planted the seeds of doubt in his mind and Paul didn’t know what to think. He picked up a random magazine from the table but it turned out to be a magazine for new mothers. He set it down and leaned back onto his chair.
He had another appointment with Dr. Talen the next day and he was going to attend it. Paul had told himself that he didn’t need to but after the appointment, he had felt lighter than he had in months. He had actually slept which helped him during work. Talking to him wouldn’t be so bad.
After what seemed like an eternity he was called, and walked down a long corridor to where the doctor waited for him. Paul didn’t remember much of their conversation, he talked a lot about the incident and the doctor admitted that there was a possibility that he wasn’t sterile. The thought jarred him and he followed the doctor’s instructions blindly, being told that he was going to have the results in a few days. Paul couldn’t handle to stay in the dark for a few days so he asked the doctor to give him the result in two days.
An urgency had woken in him.
Afterwards, Paul was lost. He found that he didn’t want to go back to his empty apartment and so he wandered the streets, thinking of Anna and the debacle that he had found himself in the middle of. He wanted to hate himself or her but all he could do was wallow in his own misery. Would things had been different if he had forgiven Anna and stayed with her?
Paul dismissed all the thoughts, he shouldn’t be making premature decisions before the results came in. He had time yet.
“Are you nervous?” Dr. Talen asked.
“I am scared,” Paul admitted.
“It’ll be alright. It’s nothing to worry about.” Dr. Talen told him.
“Don’t you realize what is going to happen if it turns out I am wrong? I can’t forgive myself.” Paul said desperately.
“Nothing is unforgivable,” Dr. Talen said. “Humans make mistakes, we should accept that and move on. I am sure Anna thinks the same way.”
Paul wasn’t so sure of that but as he sat opposite Dr. Talen. He didn’t have the courage to say so. He didn’t know what to do and he hadn’t slept the night before. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if it turned out he had been wrong. He couldn’t envision that possibility at all.
Paul waited impatiently for the results to be delivered to him at work.
He couldn’t work at all, he was consumed with what the results would show him. Was he the one who had been mistaken? Could he have done an unforgivable crime?
He walked around the floor a bit, trying to calm himself but that didn’t work. It only served to get him glares from Lisa who still hadn’t forgiven him for everything. Paul couldn’t meet her eyes today, consumed by the thought of the results. Finally around lunchtime, his secretary arrived with the envelope. Paul took it from her and was unnerved to see that his palms was sweating. He slowly teased open the envelope and took out the paper.
He read through it, once, twice and then the paper fluttered to the floor. A strangled gasp escaped him and Paul buried his face in his hands. The thing he had feared had happened, the report clearly stated that he wasn’t sterile and was able to have children. It meant that Anna hadn’t cheated on him, she had told him the truth all along and he had done something terrible. He had fired her and forced her to disappear.