by Toni Aleo
“I don’t take my clothes off,” she cries. “I dance in panties and a bra.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me any more than you have,” I sneer. “I’ve been to that place.”
Her eyes fill with more tears as she nods. “I know, but you probably went to the Rock Room side. I work on the Burlesque side. I keep my clothes on. I do entice men for money, but they don’t touch me or ever see me naked. It’s not a big deal,” she says, and I laugh but with no humor.
“So if it isn’t a big deal then why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, taking a step toward her. “If you weren’t doing anything wrong, then why didn’t you fucking tell me?”
Tears start to roll down her cheeks in waves, and something inside me just breaks. “I’m sorry, but you have to understand. I needed the money. I needed to know that I would always be safe and secure. I would never go hungry or have to sleep in a car to make it.”
“What the fuck am I, Claire? I would never let that happen. I would work nine jobs just to make sure you are safe and happy! But no, you go and whore yourself out and lie to me,” I insist. “I would do anything for you, and I have. I haven’t lied to you or hurt you, and you’ve been lying to me our whole relationship!”
“You don’t understand, Jude! I went through hell, and I promised that I would never depend on anyone again because the people I trusted and loved left me to fend for myself. I wouldn’t eat for days; I had to sleep in a little section of the car because my mom would sprawl out, giving me no room. I had nothing. I had no one, and I thought money would be the way to fix that. I thought as long as I had money, then I wouldn’t need anything else, but I realize that I was wrong. I need you and I need my family, but I let the fact that I was making so much money ruin that, and in the process I lied to the two men I love and need more than my next breath,” she cries, big wet tears rolling down her cheeks and landing on her shirt.
As much as I want to gather her in my arms and tell her it’s okay, I know it’s not. I love this girl, I mean, I fucking do, but I refuse to be lied to. I refuse to be a doormat like my mother is. Claire has hurt me, honestly broken me. Like I feel as if she has carved my heart hollow and I just don’t understand. How do you lie to someone you love? Looking away, I take in a deep breath, willing myself to breathe and not lose my shit. I want to scream; I want to yell and even shake her to make her see how much she’s hurt me. That thought scares me to the core, but I know I’d never put a hand on her.
Looking up at me, her face full of black streaks from her makeup running, she whispers, “Jude, I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry?” I scoff. “This isn’t something that you can be sorry for because you knew you were wrong!” I yell, my own eyes filling with tears. “How did you look at me every night and day and hold this from me? You know how I feel about people looking at you, wanting you. You know how jealous I can get. I’ve learned to let it go because I trust you, but what am I supposed to think now? How am I ever supposed to trust you again?”
“I swear, I’m done, Jude. I only want to work backstage. I have a huge deal coming my way. I promise, I’ll never get on that stage again if you say not to and–”
“Claire, stop!” I shout, make her cringe as she wipes her palms against her legs. “This is not okay. You know how I feel about you, how I love you more than anything in this world, and you just don’t care. You don’t fucking respect me. You lied and you sold yourself for money.”
“I never sold myself!” she yells. “I danced. Something I love, and yes, I tried to seduce men with my body for money, but I promise, Jude, I swear, no one has ever touched me. I’m yours.”
When she tries to grab for my hands, I move them out of her reach, shaking my head. “No, you’re not, or you wouldn’t have lied to me,” I say, dying with each word that leaves my lips. “You’re basically your mother. Better pick up the crack pipe since you have the stripper part down.”
When her hand comes cracking against my face, I know I deserve that. As the sting of her hand burns my skin, my eyes don’t leave hers. She’s crying, sobbing as she looks up at me. I know I shouldn’t have said that, but I want her to hurt the way I do. Childish, fuck yeah, it is, but I’m basically dying right now.
“How dare you, Jude? I know I’m wrong, and I know that I should have told you, but calling me names is uncalled for. I understand that you’re upset, but what you just said to me is not fucking okay.”
“Um, Jude.”
Tearing my gaze from hers, I look to see my brother beside us, his face contorted in shock. Unable to speak, I just look at him until he finally says, “Some shit is going on at the house. We need to go.”
I nod once and then turn to look at Claire. “We have nothing else to discuss. We are done.”
“What?” she screeches, taking ahold of my arm but I shake it loose.
“Don’t touch me,” I warn and her eyes widen in shock.
“Don’t do this. Give me time to explain and apologize,” she begs, but I shake my head.
“I did that, and I can’t do it. We’re through, Claire. I’m disgusted with you. I can’t even look at you,” I sneer before starting for Jayden’s car. His eyes are wide, but he walks with me as I ignore Claire’s pleas.
“Jude, please! Stop, don’t do this!” she cries but I shake my head.
“Leave me alone, Claire,” I say, opening the door.
“If you get in that car and drive away without fixing this with me, then I swear to God, I’ll never speak to you again.”
Looking over my shoulder at her, I nod. “Good.”
With that, I get in the car and slam the door shut. Jayden doesn’t say anything; he just drives off, and I watch as she gets smaller and smaller in the side mirror. When I can’t see her anymore, that’s when I allow a tear to slowly roll down my cheek. When Jayden’s hand squeezes my shoulder, I stiffen up and wipe it away quickly.
I only wish I could wipe away the pain in my chest.
Nothing is said as we drive out to my parents’ home. Jayden doesn’t remove his hand, and I appreciate the support. I need it, but I wish I could just be alone, lick my wounds, and prepare to wake up tomorrow knowing that the first thing I’m not going to do is text her. I told her we’re through, but how do you completely let go of someone who is basically an extra appendage to you? How do you just stop loving someone? I know I have to, though. She lied to me, over and over again, about something she knew was wrong. That is the worst kind of lie, in my opinion.
Leaning my head back in the seat, exhaustion takes over, and I squeeze my eyes shut to keep from crying. I can’t believe this has happened. In one night, two relationships were ruined because of lies and deceit. The person I thought to be the most beautiful, amazing, perfect woman in the world just ripped my heart out and broke it. Broke me.
Tears sting my eyes and I fight them away as I take in lungfuls of air.
How did this happen?
Why did it happen?
I don’t have those answers, and when we pull up to my parents’ house, all the lights are on, the front door open. But that’s not what I see first. I see my dad throw a punch and hit Jace dead in the jaw.
“Fuck!” Jayden yells, and before the car even comes to a stop, I jump out, running full speed toward my dad and push him to the ground. Standing above him, I yell, “Get the fuck up!”
“Jude! No!” my mom cries from the porch.
“You son of a bitch, you broke my arm!” my dad yells from the ground, and a smirk replaces the line my lips were in.
“Good, get up so I can break your fucking face,” I sneer. “You don’t hurt my family and get away with it.”
I feel Jayden flanking my left and then Jace on my right, but my eyes don’t leave the man who is more a sperm donor than anything else.
“Boys, please!” my mom sobs, but all three of us ignore her. “Just leave, Mark, and don’t come back.”
“Shut the fuck up,” he sneers at her, and I don’t like that one bit.
I don’t even realize I’m doing it until my fist connects with his nose. Falling forward, he holds his nose as my mom screams. “Don’t talk to her like that.”
“Get the fuck out of here,” Jace says. “We don’t want you here.”
“I say we remove him,” Jayden says, his eyes dark with anger.
“No, boys, please. Just go, Mark!” my mom says. I look back at her, seeing that her face is red, tears streaming down her face, but the main thing I see is that her shirt is balled up in the front, like someone took a fistful of it to get ahold of her.
Snapping my head toward my sperm donor, I say, “Did you grab her shirt?”
Before he can answer, Jace says, “Yeah, that’s why I pushed him out the door. He tried to hit her.”
Looking back at my father, I’m not sure how I’m going to control my body, but somehow I keep it together and say, “So not only did you threaten my girlfriend, you tried to hurt my mom?”
He scoffs. “That slut you’re dating is just that. She’s the reason this is happening.”
Before I can defend Claire, though I’m not sure why when I just dumped her, Jace points at him. “No, this is happening because you are a cheating bastard,” Jace says, shaking his head. “This is no one’s fault but your own.”
“Shut the fuck up, you little shit. You’ll never be anything; you’re too fucking entitled. You expect everything to be given to you. All of you do. None of you work for shit. Yeah, I cheated because I want out!”
“Then leave!” Jace yells and I can see his eyes misting with tears. “We don’t want you here!”
“You little shit,” he yells, and he tries to go at Jace, but I push him away, throwing Jace behind me.
“Do I have to hit you again?” I ask. “Maybe I should just on principle, but that would be disrespectful since my mother has asked me not to. I’m gonna give you two minutes to get the fuck off this land.”
Glaring, he says, “You think you three are something, huh? Think you are going to make me leave? Cold day in hell! This is my house! All of you get out!”
Jayden nods. “Yeah, I know we can make you leave. Go.”
“Yeah, go,” Jace says from behind me, and I nod.
He glares at us, but I know all he sees are three big guys, ready and willing to beat the fuck out of him with years of pent-up anger and remorse. This man has never been a father. Yes, he gave me the gift of life and even the gift of hockey, but not once did he ever love me and nurture me. He was a constant pain in my ass, and I actually hope he doesn’t get in the car and we have to remove him. I have anger coursing through my body, and a fight would help release some of it.
My father opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn’t say it. Instead he just glares and then he turns to go to his BMW. Knowing that he’s leaving, I turn and head toward my mother. She’s leaning against the door, holding herself as she cries. As I wrap my arms around her, she lets go and basically throws all her weight on me. I take it and slowly lower us to the ground as she cries so hard into my shoulder. Stroking her back, I close my eyes and lean my head against hers.
“I loved him so much, Jude, even when he didn’t deserve it. How could he do this?” she cries and I shrug.
“I don’t know, Mom. I’m so sorry, but you don’t deserve this.”
“How will I make it? I don’t work; I just take care of you kids. He makes all the money.”
“We will figure it out together,” I whisper, kissing her temple. “You are better off without him. I swear.”
She starts to sob harder, and every tear that leaves her body hurts me. I don’t want to see my mom cry, or anyone I love cry, for that matter. Squeezing my eyes tight, I hold her closer and soon tears are falling from my eyes onto her hair. I think she feels them because her arms come around me, and just like that, the roles are reversed, and she’s comforting me like she has my whole entire life. Kissing my temple, she rocks me back and forth as I just lose it. I’ve never cried this hard in my life.
I cry for my mom, for the shit my family and I have endured from that asshole, but most of all I cry for my broken heart and for Claire’s. We thought this was it. We thought we were going to be together forever, but the whole time she was lying. She wasn’t being her whole self to me, and how does someone do that to someone they love?
I have no answers for anything.
I’m just empty.
Chapter 46
Claire
My chest aches.
My eyes are all gummy and burning from where I have cried like a freaking baby for the last twenty minutes.
My nose is running like a faucet and my throat hurts from the sobs that have been ripping from me.
Along with all that, I just feel cold. Empty. Hollow. Meaningless.
Worthless. I feel fucking worthless.
Pulling into the driveway of my home, I park behind Phillip’s truck and get out, running to the front door. The light is off because, of course, they don’t expect company at one in the morning. Digging in my purse for my house keys, I curse myself for not just leaving them on my car key set. I always get nervous that if I lose my car keys I’ll lose my house key, and then I won’t be able to get into the house to get my car keys. I know; I’m crazy.
And I‘m fucking stupid for lying to Jude.
Frustrated, I cry out, dropping to my knees and dumping my purse on the porch. I shouldn’t be here. I mean, what are they going to do for me? I messed up, I ruined this, and now I have to figure out how to either A: fix it, or B: accept that Jude has every right to be mad at me and probably will never talk to me again.
“Oh, thank God!” I cry out, finding the house key that is on the Assassins key chain, but as I get up to open the door, leaving the contents of my purse behind, the door flies open and Phillip stands there in only a pair of shorts.
“Claire?”
I just stand there, tears dripping down my face, and I suck in a deep breath as my heart breaks all over again. Turning the porch light on, his eyes widen as he comes to me, stepping all over my stuff, but I don’t care.
“Claire, what’s wrong?” he asks, taking my shoulders in his hands. “Are you hurt?”
“He broke up with me,” I whisper, looking up into his face.
“Phillip?” I hear Reese ask, and I don’t know why, but I just break down. Crumpling against Phillip, he holds on to me as I cry so hard it hurts. Like, physically hurts. My body feels as if it has been hit by a Mack truck, my heart just feels numb, broken and everything just feels wrong. How did I let this happen? I knew that he could find out, but I thought he would listen to me, I thought he would understand.
Instead, he dumped me.
Picking me up, Phillip says, “That kid broke up with her.”
“Oh no,” Reese gasps as Phillip carries me into the house and into the living room. Once he lays me on the couch, Reese swoops in, bundling me in her arms, kissing my forehead. “Get her some water.” She kisses my forehead, moving my hair out of my face, and says, “It’s going to be okay, baby. Just breathe.”
Gasping for breath, I bawl into her chest, wrapping my arms around her, needing her love and comfort. I know now why I came here because I needed this. I needed Reese to tell me it was going to be okay. For a long time, we don’t move. Phillip walks around us, checking on me, and occasionally he rubs my back softly, asking me if I need anything. I say no because the thing I need won’t have me. When I’m all cried out and empty of all emotion, I close my eyes and sleep takes me quickly.
The last thing I think of is Jude calling me my mother.
When I wake the next morning, I’m alone on the couch, covered with my favorite One Direction blanket. Reaching for my phone that I find laying on the table, I check to see if I have any messages. I don’t. I check calls; there are none, so then I check Jude’s Facebook, and he hasn’t updated since yesterday. His last status says:
I love my girlfriend.
He then tagged me, and seeing those words, his profile picture of u
s kissing after one of his games, has my lip wobbling and my heart aching. I want to lie back down, cover myself with the blanket and just cry myself stupid, but then I feel like I need to wash my face. Sitting up, I look over to find Reese and Phillip at the kitchen island, watching me.
Looking away, embarrassed, I say, “Sorry for coming over so late.”
“Nothing to be sorry for. You are always welcome here,” Reese says. “I laid you out some towels and got you some old clothes if you want to go shower.”
Nodding, I stand up and tuck my phone in my pocket. I don’t look at them as I pass, heading to the bathroom and shutting the door behind me. Leaning against the door, a tear rolls down my face and I wipe it away before pulling out my phone. Clicking on my messages, I open a new text and type Jude’s name.
Me: Hey… I miss u. A lot. And I’m really sorry.
Unlike every other time, he doesn’t write back right away. When I get out of the shower after standing under the hot water for well over a half hour, I check and he still hasn’t written back. Maybe he had a rough night with his mom or something and he’s sleeping. When I look at the clock though, I see that it’s two in the afternoon. Cringing, I shake away the thoughts that come. I refuse to think that he’s moved on. He wouldn’t do that. He loves me. We’re just... Shit, he may love me, but that won’t keep him from finding someone else to fuck his pain away.
Picking my phone back up after dressing, I type:
Me: Please, Jude. Just talk to me. We can work this out.
Me: I love you.
Me: I don’t want to lose you.
When he still doesn’t answer me, I slide down the door and curl up in a ball on the floor, hugging my legs as the tears drip from my eyes and wet the Hogwarts pants I’m wearing. Swallowing back the sob that wants to escape, I cry, rocking back and forth as I stare at my phone. Waiting. Just for a response. I need one. I need to know he still loves me. I need to know he still wants me.