Boarded by Love

by Toni Aleo

  Letting out a long breath, I don’t participate in the yelling of our school name, and I’m the first one out of the locker room. The anticipation of seeing her is killing me and has me on edge. I’ve done well hiding out and not having to see her. Yeah, I haven’t gone to school in a week, and I may or may not have skipped out of practice early just to make sure she didn’t see me, but I did that because I couldn’t see her yet. Even now I know I can’t see her, but it’s inevitable. I’m going to, and I just have to pray I can get through it.

  As I stand at the end of the tunnel waiting for my teammates, I wonder if she’s nervous. If she’s on edge and thinking of me? I wonder if she’s going to try to talk to me, if she’s going to ask me why I won’t speak to her. What will I say? What will I do? She’s had such an effect on me, and I really don’t know how I’m going to handle being near her. So I’ll hope she doesn’t come up to me.

  When it’s time to go out on the ice, I take a running start, and when I hit the ice, I wait to feel good; I wait for everything to be better.

  But it doesn’t.

  The first thing I do as I round the corner of the goal is I look for her. When I find her, she’s staring right at me, and I swear there are tears in those baby blue eyes. She does look miserable, and it honestly guts me. Looking away quickly, I find a puck and start to play, trying so hard to get my head in the game. We need to win this; we’re on a streak, and I’m not going to allow myself to fuck up because my heart is broken. But with every turn I take around the goal, I glance up to where she is standing, her pom-poms at her side and her eyes locked on me. She doesn’t move the whole time I warm up, and when it’s time to line up for the national anthem, for some reason I look back up at her, and she mouths what I believe to be “I love you.”

  That causes me to bite my lip hard as I look away. If it is this hard to be fifty feet away from her, how am I supposed to go the rest of my life sometimes bumping into her on campus? I still have seven months at this damn campus. How am I supposed to function when I can’t even be in the same room with her without wanting to jump over sheets of glass and smother her with kisses? I know I could do it; I know I could get to her and take her in my arms and make her mine. She won’t push me away. I know she loves me; she just said it. But what about a week from now? Will I sit there and accuse her of lying to me every chance I get? When she stays out late for whatever she’s doing, will I believe what she tells me? I don’t know the answer. Yes, I want her, more than I can describe, and God, yes, I still love her, but a relationship stands no chance without trust.

  The game passes in a blur. I somehow score a goal, but I’m sure it’s luck since I don’t remember shooting the puck. When it goes in, the crowd loses it while I just stand there, staring at where the puck lays behind the goalie. This is supposed to mean something, this is supposed to be my drug of choice, but all I’m doing is standing here, feeling as if I’m not really here. When Jayden hugs me tight, saying good goal, I nod and turn to head to the bench.

  “Get your fucking head in the game, Sinclair!” Coach Moss yells.

  “I just scored!” I yell back as I sit down.

  “You aren’t even here!” he yells, and it always surprises me how he knows these things. Squirting Gatorade in my mouth, I lean against the boards and watch the rest of the game, refusing to allow myself to look back to where I know Claire stands. It’s hard, but I manage.

  When the game ends, I take my time and shower. When I’m standing at the mirror, I actually consider shaving the beard that Claire loves. I even reach for the razor, but I know it’s out of spite, just to get rid of anything that reminds me of her. Then my eyes drift down to where her lips lay above my heart. I want to laugh. She told me not to do it, that it was too soon. Did she know that we would break up? Running my fingers along the lifelike tattoo, I feel tears sting my eyes. Letting out a breath, I walk away from my reflection with pain ripping me to shreds. I got the tattoo with the thought that it would remind me of the greatest love of my life, but all it does is remind me that I’m alone and without her.

  Fuck, I was stupid, but I don’t regret it. I just need to get over the pain.

  Getting dressed, I see that most everyone is gone, probably out meeting their families. I know that my family, minus Dad, is waiting for me, but I don’t want to leave the locker room. I know she’s out there. She might even be waiting for me. To be sure though, I text Jayden.

  Me: Is Claire out there?

  It doesn’t take long and Jayden answers.

  Jayden: Yeah. She just talked to Mom and now is waiting by the door. You have no way of avoiding her.

  I let out a long breath.

  Me: Can you distract her?

  Jayden: Lol. I would but I don’t want to.

  Me: Jerk.

  Jayden: I think you might thank me one day.

  Me: Highly doubt that.

  Jayden: We will see huh? Stop being a pussy and come out.

  Me: Fuck you.

  Jayden: Love you too.

  Fucking jerk. Grabbing my bag, I throw it up on my shoulder and head out of the locker room to the lobby. Before I even get out the door, I see her. She’s leaning against the wall, her hands in the pockets of her sweats and her hair down, along her shoulders. When I’m fully out the door, she stands up, lacing her fingers together and coming to the middle the hall. I know I can go around her, completely ignore her, but for some dumbass reason, I stop in front of her.

  Her lip wobbles, her eyes fill with tears, and I have to look away.

  “I miss you,” she whispers, but I don’t say anything. I can’t. There is a lump in my throat, my heart is fucking dead, and I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I need to just walk away.

  “I love you, so much, and I’m really sorry,” she says softly, her voice heavy with emotion. “I’ve thought about you every second of every day for the last week. I’ve texted, called, Facebooked you, everything, in the hopes that you’ll talk to me. Give me a chance. I understand that you’re hurt, and I know I was wrong, but I’m probably a second away from dropping to my knees and begging you to be in my life. I’ve never begged anyone, Jude, no one, but I will for you. Just say the word.”

  Still I don’t say anything, and when I look up to meet her sorrowful gaze, something inside me cracks, and my own eyes itch with tears.

  “Okay, one-way talking here. At least you’re not walking away,” she says softly, her hand cupping her throat. I tuck my hand that’s not holding my bag in my pocket to keep from reaching out to cup her beautiful face, to wipe away the tears that are falling down her face. “I have a huge offer coming in from the investor in Vegas if my showcase goes well. I’d love for you to be there. I’m so nervous and so scared, and I know having you there will help. It’s Wednesday at nine at Ms. Prissy’s. I hope you’ll come.”

  Looking away, I don’t trust myself to say either yes or no. I want to support her, but I can’t even think about doing that because this is what she was lying about. Can I even sit there and watch her move on that stage, knowing that she hid this from me? Looking back down at her, I suck in a deep breath and then I walk away without a word.

  “I don’t give up, Jude Sinclair,” she yells suddenly, making me pause mid-step. Everyone turns, looking at us, and I’m frozen. I’m immediately taken back to the first day I met her, when she didn’t want to give me her number or have anything to do with me. The day when I knew she was going to be the one to change me completely. How right I was.

  “I love you,” she says. “I won’t give up.”

  I don’t dare look back. Instead I finally will myself to move and head to where my family waits, but even then I don’t stop. I keep going and once I’m outside, the cold hitting me in the face, I look up at the sky and gasp for breath. It’s a stunning, clear night, big, beautiful stars in the sky, and that should calm me, but it just pisses me off. Stars remind me of Claire.

  I’m about to look away but then a fucking shooting star sh
oots through the air. One would take that as a sign. Me? I flip it the middle finger.

  Chapter 48

  Jude

  “Jude?”

  I look over my shoulder to find my mom standing behind me. “Hey, Mom, you ready?”

  “Yeah, can you drive me home? I think Jayden wants to ride with Lucy and Jace to help with Angie.”

  Lie.

  “Or you want to talk to me alone and told them they had to ride together?” I ask and she smiles.

  “Just hush and drive me home,” she says before turning and heading to Jayden’s car.

  I shake my head and follow after her. When we reach the car, she hands me the keys and I get in, starting it up as she buckles her seat belt.

  “Seat belt, Jude Marshall.”

  I roll my eyes but do as she asks and off we go. She doesn’t say anything like I expect her to. She just rides quietly, her hands laced together in her lap. Every time she takes in a deep breath or clears her throat, I know it’s coming, but still nothing. I don’t get it. I thought she wanted to talk to me?

  Glancing over at her, I say, “Good game tonight?”

  She shrugs. “Eh, kind of. Your head wasn’t in the game.”

  “Yeah, it’s been a rough couple days.”

  “Yeah,” she agrees with a nod, and I wait. But nothing. That was the perfect opening! I basically gave it to her on a silver platter. I mean, I don’t want to talk about Claire, or maybe I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. It would be nice to ask what she thinks I should do, but I need some help here. I need her to pull it from me.

  “I talked to Claire.”

  Okay, maybe I don’t need it pulled from me.

  “I saw,” she says with a nod. I glance over at her, waiting for her to ask what happened, but she just sits there. What the hell?

  Clearing my throat, I readjust in my seat and then say, “She apologized.”

  “That’s good.”

  “And she says she still loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I didn’t say anything, though. I just looked at her, and Mom, I swear it took everything not to lose it. I miss her.”

  “I know, sweetheart,” she says, taking my hand in hers, clasping her other hand over it.

  I suck in a deep breath. “I just don’t know what to do. I mean, how do I trust her? You know, like, how do I know she won’t ever lie to me again?”

  “Do you think she will?” she asks as I pull onto our driveway. I take it slow and shrug my shoulders.

  “I don’t know. I mean, if you would have seen the way she looked at me, I don’t think she would, but still it scares me. I don’t want to become the way you were with Dad.”

  Her hand squeezes mine, and I know I shouldn’t have said that. It is still very raw, the pain she’s going through, but I have to be honest.

  “Claire is not your dad, Jude. She didn’t tell you about a job that she had. She wasn’t sleeping with God and everyone,” she says as I pull up in front of the house. “I think that she made a mistake. Maybe she was embarrassed by what she was doing and didn’t think you’d stick around.”

  “I don’t think she was embarrassed. I think she liked the money, but loved me and didn’t want to lose me.”

  I look over at her, and she shrugs her shoulders. “You are the one in control here, honey. You can go back to her and make it work, or you can let her go. It’s going to hurt either way. I made both of those choices, and I honestly can’t tell you which one was easier. You have to decide what is best for you.”

  I sit for a long time, my thumb stroking her hand as I think. Lucy even pulls up with the rest of my family, but none of them looks at us, they just head inside. I’m glad since I’m not done talking to my mom. I nod, my heart thudding against my chest. Meeting her gaze, I ask, “What would you do?”

  “I have no clue,” she answers softly. “But I’ve been scorned too many times, and I’m bitter. I believe a relationship needs trust – it won’t survive without it – but I also believe people make mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance to make it better.”

  Biting the inside of my cheek, I look at the steering wheel, and I still have no clue what to do. While I agree that everyone deserves a second chance, I also agree that a relationship needs trust, and honestly, I don’t know if I can trust her.

  But I also don’t know if I can let her go.

  To say I’ve been miserable is the understatement of the year.

  For the last four days, I’ve done nothing but play hockey and try to catch up on my work. Thank God for Jayden and Lucy, or I’d probably fail this semester. They not only helped me with school, but they tried to distract me. Jace, on the other hand, just yells at me and tells me to go find Claire and tell her that I forgive her. While I want to do that because I do miss her, I still can’t come to terms with the fact she lied to me. Say I’m hardheaded or stubborn as hell, like my mom says, but I just don’t know if I can do it.

  If I can trust her.

  But obviously, I’m willing to try.

  When I pull into Ms. Prissy’s, jealousy eats at my heart knowing that men have come in those doors to see my girlfriend move her body for them. Squeezing the steering wheel with my fingers, I park and then get out, slamming the door behind me. I’m a tad bit late, but I wanted it that way. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I don’t know who is going to be here, but I’m hoping to get in and out unseen. As my heart hammers against my chest, I open the door to the club and walk in.

  I’m not entirely sure why I came. I’m not sure if it was to forgive her and live happily ever after or to feed my curiosity. I want to know what she has been doing in this club. I want to know why she lied, and maybe the answers are here. Or maybe I’m a glutton for punishment and just want to break my heart some more before I walk away for good. I don’t know. All I know is I’m here, and a part of me wants to support her. Actually, a lot more than a part of me does. I want her to succeed, I want her to get all her hopes and dreams, and I just hope that I am a part of them. I need to figure this out. I need to decide what I want. It’s been almost two weeks; I have to decide tonight. No more fucking around.

  Walking to the desk since the doors are being guarded by two very large men, I pull out my wallet to pay as the girl goes, “Sorry, buddy, it’s closed tonight.”

  “For a showcase, right? By Claire Anderson?”

  “There is a showcase, but it’s by Diamond.”

  Diamond? I assume that’s her stage name, so I nod. “Yes, for that.”

  “Well, it’s already started.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I say, getting a little impatient with this girl. She’s snotty and not making this any easier.

  “Okay, are you like, on the list?”

  I shrug. “Have no clue. My name is Jude Sinclair.”

  She looks up from the paper and nods. “You’re number one on the list, and I’m supposed to take you to the VIP area. I’m sorry for being so short with you, follow me.”

  Before I can decline that, she is coming out from behind the desk and walking through the doors the men were blocking. Once I’m inside, my eyes widen at what I see. A girl is using two ropes on the stage, dressed in minimal clothing, but her main parts are clothed as she moves and grinds her body against the wall, acting as if the ropes are holding her. It’s very sexy and kinda hot, but it does nothing for me. I stop mid-step, taking in the risquéness of the club. Everything is white with gold accents, giving it a very classic, old-school feel. I totally expect men to be sitting around with cigars hanging from their lips as they throw dollars at the girls and make dirty drug deals, but to my surprise, all I see are men in suits, very intently paying attention to the girls.

  When the hostess turns, she gives me a look that says come on, but I shake my head, dropping myself in the very back table that’s in the shadows.

  She comes back to me and says, “Hey, I need to take you up to the front.”

  “I’m good,” I say, leaning back in the seat. She looks annoyed, but
thankfully she walks away, leaving me to watch the show. A girl comes by and offers me a beer, which I gladly take. Probably gonna need it. Looking around the room, I like how it’s so different from the Rock Room. Over there it’s dark and kinda gives off a grungy feel, but here it’s bright and almost feels like a cabana club from that dancing movie Claire made me watch. There is a massive gold chandelier that glitters hanging from the ceiling above the large stage. It’s nice here and not like the Rock Room. Over there, people are drunk and throwing money at the girls like they’re nothing but meat, but here, as I watch, I kinda feel like the guys are getting off but in a classy way.

  If that even makes sense.

  Do I like that Claire dances for them? Still fuck-to-the-hell no, but if she has to do it, thank God it’s here. If it was over in the Rock Room, I’d probably get up and leave, to be honest. But it’s not, so I’m going to sit back and see what happens. See how I feel once it’s over and go from there. I’ve always trusted my gut when it comes to Claire, and I’m going to continue that.

  When the girl leaves the stage, the maybe twenty people in here clap loudly, and I see a few guys lay some money on the bar, giving the girl a thumbs-up. I look at the people, trying to see if Reese and Phillip are here, but I don’t see them. I think I may see Reese sitting beside some guy in a black suit, but I can’t tell if it is her since I’m directly behind her. When the next song starts, within seconds, girls are everywhere, all wearing the same black lace outfit. My eyes go to each one, looking for Claire, but I don’t see her. Then I remember that she’s probably in disguise. But I know my girl, and I don’t see her.

  I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad about that, but I know I’m not interested in anything on that stage. Leaning back, I chug my beer and then ask for another before pulling out my phone. Signing in to Jayden’s Facebook account since he’s still friends with Claire, I go to her page – like I’ve done all day and every day since I deleted her – to see if she’s updated her status. When I see that she updated about an hour ago, I click on it to read it.