‘Jesus, Lana, that was incredible,’ Adam breathed, still holding onto me, his body still inside mine. ‘Fucking incredible.’
I let go of his hand, stroking his face with my fingertips, my eyes meeting his as he continued to try and catch his breath. ‘Maybe it’s the tattoos and the hair and the fact you’re making love with a whole new woman, huh?’ Because he had to accept that I was a new woman, and he had to accept her, fully. No compromise.
He smiled, just a small smile, but it was there. ‘Maybe.’
And then that conversation we’d had in Sunset Park came flooding back, hitting me completely out of the blue because, for a short time there, I’d forgotten all about it. Forgotten his reaction when I’d asked him if he really could cope with the changes in me, the new friends I’d made, the new job I was training for; the body art I refused to cover up. In fact, I was planning more. And, somehow, remembering all of that broke the mood.
I closed my eyes as I felt him pull out of me, rolling over onto his back. Sitting up, I drew my knees to my chest, waiting a few beats before I got out of bed and started gathering my clothes together.
‘Lana?’ He propped himself up on his elbows, his expression slightly confused.
‘I should go.’
‘No, hang on….’ He jumped out of bed, quickly pulling on his jeans. ‘Wait, come on…’
‘It won’t work, Adam.’
‘What won’t?’
‘This. Us. In the bedroom, yeah, it’s great. It’s better than it ever was when we were together. I feel like… like we’re re-discovering each other all over again and that feels so good. You feel so good. It’s exciting, but… but this isn’t reality. All the incredible sex in the world isn’t gonna take away the fact that we can’t build any kind of life together if you can’t get your head around who I am now. Because I’m not the woman you used to know. I’m not the woman you used to be married to. And I never will be. I’m not going back there, Adam.’
He frowned, moving a few steps closer to me and I backed up against the wall, dropping my t-shirt. ‘Is this because of what happened in the park?’
‘You know it is.’
‘You took me by surprise, that’s all. And, okay, at the time, maybe, I didn’t really know how to respond but… I’ve had time to think now, Lana. Time to get my head around the way you are now…’
‘The way I am?’
‘The tattoos, the hair, the people you hang out with, the job you do… I just needed some time to get used to it all, do you understand? You’ve changed a hell of a lot – a hell of a lot. You’re almost a completely different woman, and that’s not an easy thing to get my head around.’
I said nothing for a beat or two, just stared deep into his eyes, not really sure what I was looking for. Honesty, maybe? Hope that he wasn’t just telling me this because he thought it was what I wanted to hear?
‘It can’t happen just like that, Adam. It can’t, it won’t, it… If I’m still trying to get used to the person I am now, then how the hell can you even pretend to know who I really am?’
‘Lana, baby, if we love each other…’ He stopped talking, suddenly aware that I’d never actually told him I still loved him. Even though I probably did, I was almost sure of that now. But whether I was in love with him was still something I couldn’t be sure of. There was so much more to all of this than I was willing to think about right now. ‘We can work anything out, sweetheart, I know we can.’
‘I don’t know, Adam…’ My phone ringing interrupted us, and I crouched down to retrieve it from my jeans pocket, answering it immediately. ‘Kaley? Is that you?’
‘I need you to come to the clubhouse, Lana. Can you come to the clubhouse? Please? It’s Eddie…’
24
‘Eddie?’ All of a sudden my blood ran cold, a wave of fear sweeping over me.
‘He’s asking for you.’
‘What’s happened?’ I was trying to keep my voice steady, trying to stay calm because, until I knew what was going on…
‘It didn’t go to plan,’ Kaley said, her own voice as steady as mine – almost. But she couldn’t hide the faint trace of an underlying panic hidden within hers. ‘We were all here, at the compound, thinking it had… thinking it had gone okay, that it was all sorted, but… I told him they shouldn’t have done it. It was a crazy idea, I told them…They just turned up, Lana… So many of them… Laid into Eddie and Nate like they were nothing but punchbags…’
‘What… what are you talking about, Kaley? I don’t…’
‘Eddie needs to get to a hospital, he’s… he’s hurt… He wants to see you first. Before we take him…Are you coming? Can you get here?’
‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m on my way. I’ll be there as soon as I can.’ I looked down at my phone as I hung up, trying to take in what I’d just heard, because none of it really made any sense. I just knew I needed to get to Eddie.
‘Lana?’
Adam’s voice made me look up sharply. ‘I… I need to be somewhere.’ I pushed past him, hurriedly pulling my clothes back on as I tried to keep the panic at bay. I didn’t even know if I had anything to panic about, but the tone of Kaley’s voice had sent an unwelcome shiver up my spine.
‘Need to be where? Lana, look at me. Look at me… Lana!’
I stopped what I was doing and stared at him. ‘I’ve got to go.’
‘Where?’ His voice was slightly agitated now, but all I could think about was Eddie. And then that uneasy feeling I’d experienced yesterday, at Eddie’s, it came flooding back. I’d sensed something was up. I’d felt it. And it looked like I’d been right to feel that way.
‘Eddie needs me.’
‘Lana, will you just stand still for a second. Lana!’ He grabbed my wrist, swinging me around to face him. ‘I’m coming with you.’
‘No…’
‘I’m coming with you.’ He quickly pulled on his shirt, running his fingers through his hair.
‘Adam, I don’t need…’
‘I don’t care what you need, Lana. I’m coming with you.’ The touch of his hand on my cheek sent a wave of calm flooding through me, allowing the panic to subside for a few, brief seconds. ‘I’m coming with you.’
‘What the hell is this place?’ Adam asked, following me into the clubhouse. I didn’t answer. I just wanted to get to Eddie. But it was hard to ignore the broken furniture lying around, the shattered glass all over the floor, the smell of spilt alcohol and the faint trace of something I couldn’t quite place, but it smelt like smoke, like a fire had just been put out, hanging heavily in the air. Something had gone on in here that caused that uneasy feeling I still had to multiply ten-fold, and a part of me wanted to turn around and leave, to get out of there, because this wasn’t my world. But Eddie – I needed to see Eddie.
‘Kaley…’ I almost ran to her when I caught sight of her leaning against the bar, and when she turned to face me I could clearly see the panic etched on her face, something which made my stomach sink, that wave of fear washing over me yet again. ‘Where is he?’
She looked at me, then at Adam. ‘Who’s he?’
‘My ex-husband. He drove me here… Where’s Eddie?’
‘Is he…?’ She was still looking at Adam.
‘It’s okay, Kaley.’ I turned to face Adam, taking his hand. ‘Wait for me outside. I won’t be long. Stay in the car, please, Adam.’
‘Lana, I’m really not comfortable…’
‘She’ll be fine,’ Kaley said, and I looked at her, still holding onto Adam’s hand.
‘Will she?’ Adam’s eyes were narrow and serious, his expression stern; his tone of voice less than convinced.
‘She’ll be fine,’ Kaley repeated, holding Adam’s gaze for a few seconds longer before turning her attention to me. ‘Eddie’s through here.’
I looked at Adam again, squeezing his hand. ‘I won’t be long, I promise. Okay?’
He threw back his head, letting out a deep sigh. ‘Jesus Christ, Lana…’
I let go
of him, not wanting to listen to any more. I just wanted to see Eddie.
I followed Kaley into a dimly lit room behind the bar – a room I’d never been in before, despite my numerous visits to the clubhouse. It was dominated by a huge, darkwood table which was surrounded by chairs of differing styles, and it had a strange, almost oppressive, feel to it, but it wasn’t something I dwelled too much on as my eyes followed Kaley’s gaze. Eddie was sitting up on a battered old couch at the back of the room, flanked by a few of the guys from the club. Nate was sitting next to him. On first sight the club’s president looked untouched, but a closer look revealed Nate’s badly bruised arms, cuts and slashes decorating his heavily tattooed skin. But Eddie – it was his face and chest that seemed to have taken the brunt. His shirt had been removed, and I could clearly see the bloodied cuts, the bruises beginning to form; the swelling that was just starting to set in. One of his eyes was practically closed, unable to open due to the damage that had been inflicted on it by – by who? Did I really want to know? Because this part of Eddie’s life really was a world I was unfamiliar with. It was almost unreal, except, I was standing here, right in the middle of it, which made it very real.
‘What happened?’ I asked, barely able to raise my voice above a whisper.
‘You don’t need to know the details, Lana,’ Eddie said, looking up at me.
‘Don’t I?’
Kaley leant back against the wall, lighting up a cigarette. ‘No. You don’t.’
I threw her a look, but she just shook her head, blowing smoke up into the air.
‘Sit down, darlin’, please,’ Eddie continued. ‘Please, Lana.’
I sat down beside him, taking his hand, feeling him wince and I loosened my grip on it, looking down to see his bruised knuckles, his slashed skin. ‘Why ask me to come here if you aren’t gonna tell me anything,’ I said quietly, gently running my thumb over the back of his hand. He was cold, his skin clammy.
‘I needed to see you because… because things between us… They didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, Lana. And that’s my fault, and I’m sorry…’
‘I thought we’d been over this, baby,’ I whispered, my fingers absentmindedly stroking his hair, almost forgetting we weren’t together anymore.
‘The way we said goodbye… It wasn’t enough, Lana. It wasn’t enough.’
I shook my head, looking back down at his hand in mine. I wanted him to stop talking, to not say any more. It was too hard. Too painful. ‘You need to get to a hospital,’ I said, letting go of his hand, reaching out to gently touch his face. ‘And I need to go.’
‘Lana…’ He grabbed my hand again as I tried to stand up, pulling me back down. ‘It was stupid retaliation…’
‘Eddie…’ Nate interrupted, but Eddie ignored his warning tone.
‘Retaliation for what they did… For what happened to Deanne. They needed to know… They needed to know we hadn’t forgotten.’
I looked briefly over at Nate, who had his head in his hands now.
‘Maybe we didn’t try hard enough, you know? Maybe we went in too soft, didn’t get the message across in quite the way we wanted to but… We aren’t like them. We aren’t outlaws here. We’re just trying to get on with our lives. But what happened to Deanne, what Nate needed to do to… We needed to finish that chapter.’
‘I should have let her memory rest,’ Nate said quietly, pushing both hands back through his dark-blonde hair. ‘But ever since that day… I just couldn’t get it out of my head, what they did. How she got caught up in the middle of it all; how I let that happen. I didn’t protect her… I couldn’t… That’s what made me want to change this club, change the way we did things, because all that crap, the fighting and the stupid, senseless wars… And yet, I let myself carry out a revenge that…’ He sighed heavily as he stood up, and I watched as Kaley went over to him, taking him in her arms and holding him as he cried. This big, strong, tough man was broken, and I wondered if this was the first time he’d let that happen. If this was the first time he’d really let himself grieve for his wife. Properly grieve for her, instead of letting the anger take over.
‘It’s gonna be okay, brother,’ Eddie said, looking up at Nate. ‘It’s gonna be okay.’
Nate reached out to Eddie, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently. ‘I owe you, Eddie. I owe you so much.’
Eddie shook his head, smiling as best he could at his friend before he looked back at me. ‘It looks worse than it really is,’ he said, trying to smile again, and I returned it, reaching out to very gently touch his battered and bruised face.
‘You need to get checked out. I’ll call you later – make sure everything’s alright.’
He took hold of my hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing it lightly. ‘Lana…’
‘Don’t do this, Eddie. Please.’
‘Do what?’
‘I’m going home. Back to Newcastle.’
‘When?’
‘Soon.’
He bowed his head, his thumb stroking my knuckles. ‘Lana, I…’ He took a long, deep breath before he looked back up at me. ‘I think we’re unfinished business, darlin’.’
25
‘What the fuck are you involved in?’ Adam threw the car keys down onto the sideboard, pushing a hand through his hair as he paced the floor. ‘Because that – that back there… Jesus Christ! That is messed-up, it’s wrong.’
I leant back against the wall, looking out of the window, watching as a new day broke over Las Vegas, this city that, apparently, never slept. A place full of dreams and magic; the perfect escape, or so I’d thought.
‘Lana?’
I looked up, Adam’s expression a mask of anger and confusion and a million feelings I couldn’t read, and I didn’t blame him. What we’d just seen, that was so far from the world either of us knew. ‘I found a gun,’ I said quietly. ‘In Eddie’s house. The day you arrived in Vegas… I found it, in the kitchen drawer…’
Adam leant back against the wall beside me, pushing a hand through his hair again, sighing heavily. ‘What the hell are you doing, Lana? This man, he’s dangerous…’
I shook my head, refusing to believe what Adam was saying. Was that naïve of me? Maybe. But I still refused to believe Eddie was a violent man. ‘People have guns in this country, Adam. For all sorts of reasons.’
He looked at me, moving so he stood right in front of me, one hand pressed against the wall beside my head as he leant in towards me. ‘Are you going to stand there and tell me you weren’t scared?’
I looked into his eyes, desperately trying to get my head together, but the fear and the confusion and the tiredness that was starting to flood my body was fast taking over. All I wanted to do now was sleep. ‘A lot of things scare me, Adam.’ What I still felt for him scared me. More than anything now.
He cupped my cheek with his hand, resting his forehead against mine. ‘You’re still coming home.’ It wasn’t a question.
‘I’m still coming home,’ I whispered. That decision had been made. I wasn’t going to change my mind.
Adam smiled, breathing a sigh of relief that came from so deep within him I almost felt it myself. ‘Come back to me, Lana. Please. Let’s leave all this shit behind and start again, just you and me.’
I shook my head, not ready for this conversation, not now. I just needed to sleep. Then I needed to see Eddie. ‘Can we talk about this later, Adam? Please?’
He tilted up my chin, making me look at him, those eyes of his drawing me in, pulling me down; making me want him, when I really didn’t know if that was something I should be feeling.
‘You don’t belong amongst all that crap, Lana. That isn’t you.’
‘You don’t know what me is anymore, Adam.’
‘It isn’t that, I know it isn’t, and so do you. Baby, please, listen to me… listen to me, okay? I love you, and you can tell me to shut up, make me stop saying it, but I will never stop feeling that way about you. You are my life, Lana, do you understand?
The only woman I have ever loved, and somehow… somehow I let go of that, I took you for granted, but I promise you, sweetheart, that will never happen again. Whatever you want me to do, whoever you need me to be…’
I shook my head again, gently pushing him away. ‘I need to get some sleep. I can’t do this now.’ I started walking towards the door.
‘Sleep here. Please. Lana, I… I don’t want to let you go, not after…’
I turned back around. ‘After, what? After tonight?’
‘Yes, after tonight. That was some serious crap your biker boyfriend’s mixed up in, and you think I’m happy that he’s putting you in danger?’
‘Jesus, Adam, he’s not my boyfriend.’ Not anymore. ‘And he isn’t putting me in danger…’
‘For Christ’s sake, Lana, will you grow up? Open your fucking eyes and look at what’s happened. You were involved with a man to whom guns and knives are a part of his everyday existence…’
‘That isn’t true. You’re wrong, Adam. Eddie isn’t like that.’
‘You know that for sure, do you? You found a gun in his fucking kitchen, Lana. And the next thing you know he’s carrying out some mindless revenge at the request of a man who claims to be his friend, an act which resulted in him being beaten half to death! Does me spelling it out for you make it any easier to understand?’
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 20