‘The tattoos can be covered up, David. They can be hidden. Her attitude can be changed, all of that can be changed. She loves me, and she knows I need her to do certain things if this is going to work a second time…’
I couldn’t listen to any more. I felt sick now. And sad. I didn’t even feel confused because I knew exactly what I had to do. The decision had been that instant. That definite. But that feeling of being kicked hard in the stomach; that feeling of having almost every breath knocked out of me was overwhelming.
Walking slowly and quietly out of the kitchen, away from the party, I didn’t stop until I was upstairs, in our bedroom. Well, Adam’s bedroom, because it wasn’t mine. I still didn’t live with Adam on a permanent basis, even though I’d left a few clothes here now, a few items of my own I’d brought over from Finn’s. Tonight had just proved how lucky I’d been not to let go of an independence I’d slowly gotten used to over the past year.
With my heart still hammering a hard, painful rhythm I sat down on the edge of the bed, taking a brief second to think about what had just happened; to let the consequences of what I'd heard sink in. But nothing had changed. I still knew that what I was about to do, it was the right decision. It was the only decision.
I didn’t belong here.
It was time to start packing.
32
Dragging the suitcase down from the top of the wardrobe, I threw it onto the bed, standing back as it hit the mattress with a resounding thud. For a couple of seconds I just looked at it as if, all of a sudden, I’d temporarily forgotten just what the hell it was I was doing. Was that deliberate? Was that actually my own subconscious giving me a little bit more time to think about everything? To make sure this really was the right thing to do?
Leaning back against the wall I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply. My heart was still beating fast, pounding away inside my chest as I tried to shut out the noise drifting up from the party going on downstairs; a party I should be getting back to. But I couldn’t. Not now.
“… this is just something she needs to get out of her system…”
His words were playing over and over in my head like some never-ending record I couldn’t switch off.
“She loves me, and she knows I need her to do certain things if this is going to work a second time…”
Yeah. I loved him. But did I love him enough? Enough to strip myself of everything I’d fought so hard to become?
I slowly opened my eyes, taking another deep breath, my gaze falling back on the empty suitcase.
‘Lana?’
I swung around so quickly I almost lost my balance, my breath catching in my throat as I saw him standing there.
‘What’s going on?’
‘I’m leaving, Adam.’ I’d thought my resolve would weaken the second I saw him but I was obviously stronger than I thought I was. ‘And this time, I’m not coming back.’
My voice was surprisingly calm because, in reality, what was there to be angry about? Had I actually expected this to work? All we’d really done was have lots of great sex, and made a mountain of promises that had been nothing but empty words, because we could never be together. Not really. Not with all the crap that still surrounded us. Too much was getting in the way, and I just didn’t have the energy for the kind of fight this could turn out to be. Not when I couldn’t see anyone winning. That gap that had widened between us over the years, it hadn’t really started to close. If anything, it was probably wider than it ever had been.
‘Leaving?’ He pushed a hand through his hair, a confused look on his face. ‘I don’t… Lana, baby, I don’t understand.’
I stared at him. I was ready for this. ‘Tattoos can be covered up, Adam. But, the thing is, I’m not ashamed of them.’
‘Oh, Jesus…’ he sighed, turning away from me for a second. ‘Lana, sweetheart…’ He turned back around, his eyes meeting mine and I was determined to hold his stare. Because I meant this.
‘It won’t work, Adam.’
‘No, listen, Lana, all of that…’
‘Is how you really feel.’
He shook his head, his eyes never leaving mine as he moved a little closer. ‘It’s just… You know this is hard for me, darling…’
‘It isn’t hard for you, Adam. It’s impossible.’ I walked over to him, reaching out to run my fingers lightly over his beard, his ice-blue eyes still holding my gaze. ‘All of this, it really isn’t you, is it?’
‘I’m trying,’ he whispered, laying his hand gently over mine. ‘I really am trying. Because I love you, Lana. I love you so much.’
I rested my forehead against his, closing my eyes for the briefest of seconds because I needed to stay in control here. I needed to stay focused. ‘I know, baby. I know you do, and I know how hard you’ve tried…’ I wasn’t going to cry. I was not going to cry, even though I could feel my whole world crumbling down around me. And it was worse this time around. So much worse than before because this time I was aware of what was happening, of what I was losing. When I’d walked out the last time I hadn’t realised what I was leaving behind. I hadn’t realised how much I still loved this man. And I knew he was trying, I knew he was. He was trying so hard to accept me for who I was now, the woman I wanted – needed to be. And that acceptance had to work both ways, I knew that too. I couldn’t expect him to do all the compromising. But it was the thought of what I might have to compromise that scared me, and after hearing Adam talking to David, I just wasn’t sure compromising was even on the cards anymore. I wasn’t sure either of us could do what we needed to do. I wasn’t even sure we wanted to and if that was the case, what chance did we really have? ‘I need to know, Adam. I really need to know… What you said to David, just now…’ I looked up into his eyes, because I didn’t just need to hear his response, I needed to feel it, too. ‘Deep down inside, do you wish I wasn’t like this? Deep down inside is it really the old Lana you want back?’
His fingers tightened around mine, and even though he said nothing, the look in his eyes shattered my heart. The pause said it all.
‘Then I can’t stay here.’ I pulled my hand away, stepping back from him, but even though the physical bond had been broken, I knew I’d left a piece of myself with him. Maybe it was a piece of me that needed to be left behind. Maybe I was better off leaving it there, cutting it loose, forgetting about it. Because, maybe, it was a piece of me that was dragging me backwards.
‘Lana… please…’
I kept my back to him, shaking my head. ‘We can stand here and talk until there are no more words left to say, Adam. But this – it’s never gonna work.’
‘How can you say that?’ His voice carried an almost desperate tone to it and I had to stop myself from turning back around to face him. If I wanted to be the Lana I needed to be, then I needed to walk away from this.
Slowly slipping the beautiful black diamond ring he’d given me not half an hour ago off my finger, I placed it down on the bedside table. The second I did that I felt a new strength take hold, sweeping over me with an intensity that almost winded me. ‘It’s time for us to both get on with our lives now, Adam, because I think we’ve been stalling for far too long.’
‘You’re throwing twenty years of our lives away, Lana.’
I was strong enough to face him now. To finish this and move on. ‘And most of those twenty years were a lie.’
‘No,’ he whispered, shaking his head, his eyes locking with mine. ‘That’s not true. We were in love, Lana. For a long time. I’m still in love with you now, I…’
‘It won’t work.’
‘We need to keep trying.’
‘I’m done, Adam. I am done here.’
‘You’re giving up on us? Jesus… You’re not even going to fight for this? We need to fight, Lana. We didn’t do that before, we didn’t fight, and it killed us. It killed us, baby.’
‘I can’t be what you need me to be, don’t you understand?’ I was trying to keep my voice calm and quiet, but it was hard. So hard
. Because, inside, I was crumbling.
‘We can work something out, sweetheart, please…’
It was my turn to shake my head, reaching out to touch his face one more time and the urge to kiss him took my breath away. It was a feeling so strong and all-consuming I had to summon up every ounce of strength inside of me to resist. If I kissed him I’d change my mind, I knew that. If I kissed him it would change everything, and I couldn’t afford for that to happen. I’d seen the truth and it wasn’t what either of us needed.
‘I have to go, Adam.’
He tried to pull me to him, but I was too quick, moving away before he had a chance to get his arm around me. ‘Lana, darling, I can’t… I need you. Just as you are. I want you.’
‘No,’ I whispered. ‘No, Adam. You want the crazy sex and the bad girl in bed, because you like that now. That side of things, you’re okay with. But outside – out there, in the real world, you want the woman I just can’t be anymore and I’m not willing to split myself in two for you – to be your bad-girl fantasy in the bedroom and the perfect wife the rest of the time. I just want to be me. All of the time. And you can't handle that; I saw it in your eyes.’ He was the quicker one this time, gently grabbing my wrist as I reached for the suitcase. ‘Don’t do this, Lana. Please. We can talk about it… I just don’t want you to go. I can’t let you go.’
I laid a hand on his cheek, lightly stroking his skin, that overwhelming, heartbreaking need to kiss him still burning away inside me. ‘I’m sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry it’s come to this because I still love you, so much…’
‘Then why are you going?’
‘You know why, Adam. You know why.’
‘Jesus…’ he whispered, throwing his head back, his hand once more lying over mine, holding it tight. ‘I thought we could do this. I really thought we could do this.’
I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, pulling that strength I needed to the forefront before I let go of his hand, stepping back for the last time. ‘Look after yourself, Adam. Okay?’
‘Lana…’
I looked at him, knowing that his face would be etched in my mind forever now. Those ice-blue eyes of his, so sad and tired, would always be with me. The man I loved. The man I could never have. Unless I was willing to lose me.
‘I love you, sweetheart. Don’t ever forget that. I love you.’
I managed a small smile, dragging the case off the bed. ‘You’re better off without me, Adam.’
And I was better off without him. I was. I had to be.
33
Wrapping the fluffy white robe around myself I walked over to the window. From my hotel room at The Bellagio I could see Las Vegas stretching out before me, and if I looked down I had a near-perfect view of the fountain show below. I’d watched about half a dozen of those shows last night, just after I’d arrived here. Back to a place I saw as my escape. I’d found them almost therapeutic, the jets of water rushing up towards the Vegas skyline in rhythm to the music, washing away everything I didn’t want to think about. But it was pointless trying to pretend I was over him. I wasn’t. I just had to deal with the fact that he couldn’t be in my life. Not if this was the life I wanted.
I continued to stare out of the window, hugging the robe tighter around me. Across the road I could see the Paris Hotel, with its model of the Eiffel Tower out front flanked by the Aladdin Resort and Casino on one side and Bally’s on the other. While out in the distance I could just make out the mountains that always reminded you that this was a town in the middle of the desert. I think that was what I loved about it the most. Not just the feel of the place, but the fact it was, to all intents and purposes, out in the middle of nowhere. And that’s exactly where I wanted to be right now. In the middle of nowhere. Just for a little while. Until I finally decided what was happening in my ridiculously mixed-up life.
The sound of my phone ringing made me jump slightly, and I swung around, walking slowly over to the bedside table, looking down at the caller ID. Adam had tried to get in touch countless times over the past few weeks, but I just wasn’t ready to speak to him yet. I wanted to get used to the idea that he really was out of my life this time before I tried to prove to myself I was over him. But it wasn’t him calling. It was Finn, and I smiled as I sat down on the bed to answer the call.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey back, beautiful. You get there okay?’
‘Yeah. No problem. Finn, look, I’m sorry for messing you around…’
‘Shut it, Saunders. No apologising, alright? You haven’t messed me, or anyone else, around. You take as much time as you need, and we’ll just pick up where we left off as soon as you’re back home. Okay? Your tattoo gun ain’t going nowhere, baby.’
‘I love you, Finn.’
‘Yeah. Right back at ya, sis. Anyway, how you feeling? You alright out there on your own?’
‘I’m fine. It’s actually quite nice, you know? To really have some time to myself. I think it’s what I need – to get away from everything, just for a few days.’
‘Well, you know where I am if you need me. You call me any time, you hear? And forget about the time difference. I don’t care if it’s stupid-o’clock. If you need me, you call me. You got that?’
I couldn’t help smiling, absentmindedly fiddling with the hem of my robe. ‘Yeah. I got it.’
‘What you gonna do today, then?’
‘Thought I might just have a wander around, check out some of the hotels I didn’t get to see last time I was here. Maybe spend the afternoon by the pool.’
‘It’s alright for some,’ he sniffed, but I knew he was just messing. A part of me couldn’t help but wish he was with me, though. I missed him and I did need him, probably now more than ever. But I really had to learn to stop leaning on him quite so much, because I knew that’s exactly what I’d been doing this past year. Over these past few weeks, it was Finn I’d run to when I’d walked out on Adam a second time. It was him who’d sat with me, night after night, while I’d cried and drank myself into oblivion in the hope it would make me feel better. It hadn’t, which meant he’d had to deal with the hangovers, too. It was Finn who’d encouraged me to take a bit of time out, to get my head together. Finn who’d encouraged me to think really hard about what it was I wanted. What I needed. And I loved him so much for all of that. For going through all this crap with me, again.
‘I’m hard work, aren’t I?’ I sighed, closing my eyes for a second or two. It was a rhetorical question, of course. I was bloody hard work, I already knew that.
‘You’re a full-time job, beautiful. But, do you know what? My life was kind of dull before you crash-landed back into it. I’d be bored if you weren’t around, and I mean that, kiddo.’
Now I really wished he was here. ‘I love you loads, Finn Black.’
‘Love you back, sis. You take care, you hear? And remember, any time.’
‘I know. I’ll speak to you soon.’
‘Hang on…Listen, Lana…’
‘Yeah?’
He paused for a couple of beats, and I frowned as I waited for him to say something. ‘Just… stay safe. Okay?’
My frown deepened. Was that really what he’d meant to say? ‘Finn? Is everything alright over there?’
‘Everything’s fine,’ he sighed, but I still wasn’t convinced. I wasn’t going to push it, though. If he really wanted to say something, he’d say it, eventually. ‘You go have a good day. Call me later.’
I hung up, staring down at my phone for a few seconds before I finally pulled myself together, standing up and walking into the bathroom. It was time to get ready to face my first full day in Las Vegas. Alone. Just the way I wanted it? No. But it was the way I needed it to be.
The Strip was as busy as ever, teeming with tourists all wandering around in the sunshine, many of them clutching drinks to help with the heat as they took in the sights, merging with the many people milling about advertising the various club nights and shows that were going on in town. The atmosphere was he
ady and vibrant, and just being out there was good for my soul. It was making me feel like I really could do this. I could finally make that move forward, without Adam. I was here, after all, wasn’t I? In Las Vegas, alone, something I would never have dreamt of doing even just a few months ago. I didn’t think I had it in me, but it was slowly becoming obvious that I could do anything, if I really wanted to.
Heading out towards the MGM Grand, just a short walk along the Strip from my hotel, I arrived at The Harley Davidson Café, a place I’d visited on more than a few occasions during my recent trip to Vegas. I’d been here with both Eddie and Finn. But not with Adam. I hadn’t thought it was his kind of place, but I loved it. The vibe was cool, the food was great and the people were friendly. So I had no qualms about sitting in there on my own with a burger and a beer and all the time in the world to think.
I found a table at the side of the café, gave my order, had a short chat with a couple of staff members who recognised me from my last visit, then sat back and waited for my food and drink to arrive. It was actually nice being on my own, having time to finally think about things properly without someone else being there to, whether they meant to or not, cloud my judgement. I felt free again. My head was slowly beginning to clear and that was exactly what I needed to happen. It was exactly why I’d come back here.
Smiling to myself I looked up, taking in the huge motorcycles suspended from the ceiling, the giant American flag hanging on the wall and the many TV screens dotted around the place. The whole café was buzzing and even though it was a pretty big place, it felt relaxed. That easy-going atmosphere was something I loved. It calmed me, almost instantly. I actually felt at home here, amongst the bikers and the tourists. I was going to be a regular over the next few days, that was a given.
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 28