by Neel Shah
To: Elliot Rowe
Cool. Glad you can go out and get a new one.
Subject: Re: Hey
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:15 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Well, I don’t think she’d throw it away—but no worries. They are replaceable.
Subject: [Fwd: Re: Hey]
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 10:05 PM
To: David Meyer
So do you think she still likes me?
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey]
From: David Meyer
Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 10:11 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Holy shit.
That’s not even passive-aggressive. It’s aggressive-aggressive.
Wow.
I would say no, she does not still like you.
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey]
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 10:14 PM
To: David Meyer
I’m tempted to just write back “Found it!” to see how she responds.
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey]
From: David Meyer
Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 10:15 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
I think just take the high road.
That was a great hat though. Sorry pal.
-------- Forwarded Message --------
Subject: [Fwd: Madeline’s Sweater]
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Mon, Sep 22 at 8:20 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Fyi. It’s all happening.
Subject: Madeline’s Sweater
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Mon, Sep 22 at 11:15 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Hey Elliot—
I am going to be in your neck of the woods after work on Thursday and Friday. Will you text me your address/times that work for you and I can grab M’s sweater from you? I’m free after 6:30 both days.
Thanks.
Emily
917-207-4125
Subject: Re: Madeline’s Sweater
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Mon, Sep 22 at 12:32 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Hey Emily,
How about Thursday evening? You’ve been to my place. It’s 157 Ludlow Street in case you don’t remember.
—Elliot
Subject: Re: Madeline’s Sweater
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Mon, Sep 22 at 12:45 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Evening is kinda vague. Is there a specific time?
Also, apt. #? Cell #?
Subject: Re: Madeline’s Sweater
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Mon, Sep 22 at 3:06 PM
To: Emily Roberts
How about 6:30? And it’s apt.2B. The buzzer only occasionally works but the door is usually open.
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Madeline’s Sweater]
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Mon, Sep 22 at 8:25 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Thanks for the update.
This kind of made me laugh, which is a good thing. You see what I dealt with? I am now realizing that it’s not that I am so anal but that any woman who manages to pass through the Elliot “too cool for school” gauntlet will have to deal with this.
I frequently got texts from him that were like “meet here later?” and then I got to be in the delightful position of “where are you? Where is here?” and “9:30?”
Subject: unsocial media
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Thu, Oct 2 at 11:15 AM
To: Emily Roberts
So I unfollowed him on Twitter. I mean, the idea of following him or not is irrelevant. I’m still going to spot-check the hell out of that account and see if he’s following new girls. Which is actually a lot more efficient than Instagram where I have to check every half hour to see whose photos he’s liked.
Subject: Re: unsocial media
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Thu, Oct 2 at 11:45 AM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Good for you, lady! But don’t even spot-check.
I thought he didn’t even tweet that much anyway. You could always just keep following him because, you know: who cares.
Subject: Re: unsocial media
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Thu, Oct 2 at 11:48 AM
To: Emily Roberts
Well . . . now I can’t! Already unfollowed and he has just enough followers that he won’t notice (unless he’s spot-checking me too . . . wishful thinking but kinda doubtful?) and just enough that he definitely will notice if I refollow him like a psycho.
Subject: Re: unsocial media
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Thu, Oct 2 at 12:00 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Well, at least you’re not overthinking it.
Subject: Re: unsocial media
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Thu, Oct 2 at 12:08 PM
To: Emily Roberts
That reminds me. I found the perfect gift for you:
http://phototrove.com/wp-content/kid-screaming-with-middle-finger.jpg
Subject: Re: unsocial media
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Thu, Oct 2 at 12:20 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Awwww. There she is. I’ve missed you, Madeline. x
Subject: don’t kill me
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 1:30 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Confession: I have backslided and looked through every day this week. And you’re right, he hasn’t produced a single thought beyond retweeting Louis C.K. So in my better moments I think, “He’s too heartbroken to tweet!” and in my worse I think, “He’s having too much sex with random skanks to tweet!” And all of these moments are, naturally, underpinned by the realization that I am going to be alone forever and never have kids but maybe that’s good because all boys turn into assholes and all girls turn into humans who react to men being assholes.
The good news? Breakup weight loss = awesome Instagram fodder.
I’m having drinks with a hot new dude from work tonight. A “welcome to the office” thing. It will be nice to be around a human with a penis who doesn’t want to run from me.
Subject: Re: don’t kill me
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 2:56 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Aggg! Slow the depression roll. listen to your brain, it’s smarter than your heart right now.
You know, they’re all assholes until one isn’t. I’m sorry to say that both our asshole quotas have been, I think, unreasonably high. I think it should have ended at 26. I’m not saying I wanted to be taken off the market at 26 because um, no thank you. But I just think that 26 has a nice end-of-bs-from-guys-who-don’t-know-what-they-want vibe. Like you can rent a car at 25 and then the next milestone should be “yay! 26! you’re free fro
m games!!”
But we’re never free! Never! mwahahaha. Have fun with your coworker dude tonight. Are you his superior?
x
Subject: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 9:54 PM
To: David Meyer
Just saw Madeline on a date.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:15 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Ha. Where?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:17 PM
To: David Meyer
It was so weird. I was in Midtown walking to the subway and wanted to catch the last two min of the Knicks game so I pop into this random pub. I’m at the bar watching the TV and out of the corner of my eye I see this couple making out. Like aggressively. And I look closer and it’s MADELINE. We make eye contact for a split second, but it’s not like she’s gonna stop what she’s doing to say something and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna interrupt them. I was about to turn around, but then I didn’t want it to seem like I was leaving because of her, so I just walk into the back room, where I spent the next 45 min drinking by myself waiting for them to leave.
Oh, and the Knicks lost, obviously. Pretty great.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:24 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
That’s hilarious.
Looking at her Instagram right now, was the dude you saw @TheRealBrian? She just started following him.
Handsome guy. Lotta CrossFit pics. He could definitely beat you up.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:26 PM
To: David Meyer
Been avoiding her Instagram, but yes that’s him.
What’s your FB password?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:28 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Hotdog1212, why?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:29 PM
To: David Meyer
Madeline unfriended me. Can only see her profile through yours.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:29 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Down the rabbit hole we go.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:33 PM
To: David Meyer
Wait, Madeline RSVP’d to Lyle’s party. How does she know Lyle??
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:36 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
It’s actually Lyle’s girlfriend’s party. She’s in publishing. They’re probably work friends.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:37 PM
To: David Meyer
Well she RSVP’d +1! I can’t go now.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:42 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
So what, you’re just going to refrain from showing up anywhere she might conceivably be for the next six months?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:44 PM
To: David Meyer
At the bare minimum.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Wed, Oct 8 at 10:49 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Well, I’m still going, but good luck with that.
Subject: Re: don’t kill me
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Thu, Oct 9 at 8:30 AM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Just saw your missed call.
What the hell happened last night?
Subject: Re: don’t kill me
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Thu, Oct 9 at 9:02 AM
To: Emily Roberts
Haha. It was magnificent. So Brian, who yes, is superhot, and I are having a nice time, drinking bad beer and eating salmonella-laced bar food and we get a little drunk and start talking about our romantic histories and it turns out we’ve both just gotten out of relationships.
I will now, in the light of day, sheepishly cop to the fact that when Brian said he used to live with his girlfriend, I made it sound like Elliot and I were serious enough to live together too.
Anyway, Brian has amazing dirty-blond hair, electric-blue eyes, actual chin dimple.
Long story longer: we’re griping about our exes and gathering our things to leave and we just get along so well (I’m psyched he’ll be in the office) that we start joking about how much easier it would be on both of us if we could date, if we didn’t work together.
Then he really dramatically kisses me and says, “Well, just this once.” And we both laugh. This is the EXACT moment Elliot sashays through the door, hands in pockets of leather jacket (does one just elbow open all doors when one’s fists are constantly jammed into one’s pockets?) And I’m laughing for the first time in forever because for the first time in forever I’m genuinely happy and not thinking about Elliot. But then we lock eyes . . .
And I gave what was probably a too-cheerful hello (I get nervous, I turn into a fucking cheerleader). Elliot did not look happy. Just surprised. It all happened really quickly. Then we left. Not sure if Elliot saw. Crazy.
M x
P.S. I am sorry if my frequency is stuck on Elliot. Your turn to find someone as great as you (if we can dig up someone that cool).
Subject: Re: don’t kill me
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Thu, Oct 9 at 9:30 AM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Holy shit. I love this. I mean . . . it’s all stranger than fiction, isn’t it? The run-in alone would be a weird coincidence. The kiss with a hot guy? That’s divine justice, sweetheart.
But yes, thank you for your P.S. It’s okay. This is what friends are for . . . I am deeply invested in your well-being. Yes, also invested in mine. If we can find me a gainfully employed person who has just a little bit of a sense of humor (why are men so unfunny?), that would be swell. Also someone who doesn’t mind me using “swell.”
x
PS: Are you going to Lucy Cook’s thing? Meet for a drink beforehand?
Subject: Tonight
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Thu, Oct 9 at 10:41 PM
To: Emily Roberts
You’re going to think I’m an insane person (too late) but last night’s/this morning’s empowering fairy dust of Elliot witnessing that kiss has worn off. Lucy just started dating Lyle I-forget-his-last-name-but-he-has-dreads, a sous chef at a restaurant owned by the same guys who own Elliot’s place.
Anyway, the chances of Elliot being there are good and now I kind of don’t want
to go.
Subject: Re: Tonight
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Thu, Oct 9 at 10:48 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
You can’t let this breakup dictate where you go and don’t go. That’s the height of crazy. Also: I’m bored, barely know Lucy, only know her through you and I do not want to go to a party in someone’s house where I know zero people. Buddy system or bust.
Subject: Re: Tonight
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Thu, Oct 9 at 10:56 PM
To: Emily Roberts
It’s not a major sacrifice. I’m not missing the Oscars . . . Hell, I’m not even missing the James Beard Awards because of Elliott. I just . . . for the same reason you don’t want to go alone, I don’t want to go period: just not strong enough mentally right now to be trapped in a confined space with Elliot.
Subject: Re: Tonight
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Thu, Oct 9 at 11:15 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Fine, nutball. I shall go without you and have the best night ever!
Subject: Ummmmmm . . .
From: David Meyer
Date: Fri, Oct 10 at 12:06 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Hey Emily,
Was really nice seeing you last night (without Mom and Dad or duck). Before I give this too much thought, I’m just going to go ahead and ask: do you want to get a drink next week? Maybe Thursday? Totally understand if you feel kind of weird about this. I feel kind of weird too, which is another way of saying I didn’t tell Elliot I’m doing this. But I feel like we’ve more than fulfilled our “friend duties” to them the past few months, so why should we let them get in the way of our eternal happiness?!