“And all this time I thought you held me in contempt for my inferior rank,” she responded with a familiar arch look. Darcy smiled, assuming she was teasing now.
While fondly recalling their debates at Netherfield, where he had been the recipient of her full attention, Darcy retorted, “You will remember I warned you that you wilfully misunderstood me.” Darcy gave her a look of feigned seriousness and caused her to laugh. He delighted in his success.
Elizabeth tilted her head as though in serious thought. “Hmm…I suppose you were right! Oh, dear, I shall have to prove you incorrect.” She laughed.
He was relieved to see her spirits so improved. Desiring to direct their conversation back towards her apparent misunderstanding of him, Darcy asked, “Did you truly not see my admiration? I could scarcely keep my eyes off you even then.”
Elizabeth cried with evident disbelief, “Not see your admiration! I know you looked only to find fault! You said I was ‘not handsome enough to tempt’ you to even a dance!”
Darcy blushed at the reminder of his ungentlemanly words before their first meeting. It did not, however, remove the astonishment he felt when he realised the intelligent woman before him had no suspicion that she had entirely bewitched him from nearly the moment they met.
He explained, “That night at the assembly, I was in a foul mood and barely looked at you before replying to Bingley. I never should have said, or even thought, any of it. I only wished for Bingley to leave me in peace. Please forgive me, for it has been many months since I have considered you the handsomest woman of my acquaintance.”
Elizabeth turned a deep shade of red but still seemed disbelieving, and Darcy decided to illustrate his love more clearly. “I confess that I had planned to court you more overtly during the remainder of my stay in Kent, with the intent of proposing before I left. I also realise my departure from Hertfordshire did not speak of admiration, but I assure you, I never looked to find fault. Miss Bingley certainly perceived my regard, as I suspect she treated you so poorly out of jealousy. I am usually very careful not to raise expectations or excite suspicion. I sought your conversation, I openly admired your figure, and you were the only local lady with whom I danced at the Netherfield Ball. I have never felt so transparent in my life.”
He still held her hands and began rubbing circles on the back of them with his thumb. Even through their gloves, his hand tingled at touching her. She watched his movements, and he prayed she would not rebuke him.
The maid stirred next to Elizabeth with a loud snore and mumbled something incoherent before returning to her slumber, but it was enough to break the spell. Darcy and Elizabeth both hastily withdrew their hands, both their faces coloured pink.
Darcy resettled in his seat and sat a bit straighter. Elizabeth slightly shook her head and, after a moment of silence, asked, “If you admired me so much, then why did you leave Hertfordshire?”
Darcy exhaled deeply and looked away for a moment before returning his eyes to hers. “I was a fool and only succeeded in torturing myself. I recall explaining to Miss Bingley that admiration need not lead to love, and love need not lead to matrimony. I had never been in love before; you are the first woman to earn my admiration for more than a few weeks, and the only one at all in five years at least. I did not recognise the depth of my feeling and believed it only an infatuation that would cease if I left your company. I soon found that my admiration grew.”
Elizabeth looked slightly offended, so he hastened to explain his situation. “I was ruled by a false sense of duty because I was expected to make a match of the first circles. I came to realise that I am my own master and found you necessary in my life. The happiness your company gives me is of far greater import than what wealth or connection may bring. What more do I owe my family than to make a happy home my legacy? The Darcys have enough money and consequence.”
Attempting to display further his struggle and love for her, he added, “I thought of contriving a way to return to Netherfield at least a dozen times but could find no satisfactory answer. If not for this encounter in Kent, I would need Bedlam, or would take residence in the Meryton Inn and have to declare myself immediately.”
Elizabeth flushed, and he was pleased she enjoyed his compliments until she spoke in a bitter tone. “Why not return to Netherfield? Why has Mr. Bingley not returned? I should not break her confidence here, but Jane has been quite heartbroken since his unexpected departure.”
Darcy startled at this information, and his eyes widened. He sucked in a deep breath, then turned his head, brought his fist to his forehead, and squeezed his eyes shut. Blast! I truly am a fool!
When he opened his eyes, he took in Elizabeth’s rigid posture and the arch of her eyebrows. Her hands were folded neatly on her lap, but she tapped the top forefinger rapidly. Deciding the truth was better than whatever she concocted to provoke her anger, he released a quick exhale.
“Perhaps I should conceal this, but disguise of every sort is my abhorrence. I realise now that desiring to leave your presence, especially after the Netherfield Ball, blinded me to many other things.”
Elizabeth cringed, and he was certain it was in remembrance of her family’s behaviour at the ball, but that was not what he primarily meant. “I felt my resolve slipping after our dance. If I thought of my desires alone, I would have stayed to court you, but as I said, I believed I owed duty to my family by making a match of more tangible consequences.”
Looking at his hands, he continued, “It was quickly evident that Bingley preferred your elder sister to any lady in Hertfordshire, but it was not until Sir William Lucas said he expected an engagement that I worried my friend felt a serious attachment. His behaviour spoke to me, and apparently all of the county, of his admiration for your sister. When I watched her, I was convinced that while she enjoyed Bingley’s attentions, she did not return his sentiments. I was certain her heart was not easily touched, no matter how amiable her temper.”
Elizabeth pressed her lips into a thin line. She opened her mouth to speak, then looked to the maid and closed it again. Darcy had little doubt that she desired to correct him.
“I did not want Bingley to enter into a union of unequal affections. I considered that not only was my friend likely to propose if he stayed in the area, but also the expectation would soon be so high that it would be demanded of his honour. If there were not such expectations, if he had more time to court her and for them both to come to their own conclusions on the matter, then all would have been well. I believed she was not like him, one to fall so quickly in love. If Bingley had remained in the area, she may have been bound to him whether she desired it or not...or she could reject Bingley entirely. I thought to spare them both pain.”
“You mean that you desired not only to protect your friend but also my sister from an unequal marriage?”
Darcy slowly nodded. “Yes, but what a fool I was! All the time I told myself Bingley could not love Miss Bennet off six weeks acquaintance, I was falling in love with you just as quickly and just as fervently.”
She would not meet his eye. After considering his words, she asked, “What of her recent stay in London?”
“Miss Bingley informed me that she had received a letter from your sister that she was in Town. I agreed she should not tell her brother. I worried calling on your sister would only create speculation again, and his feelings would be so roused as to propose — again without consideration for your sister’s feelings.”
Elizabeth looked sharply at him. “Miss Bingley explained that Mr. Bingley was constantly at your house, we assumed so he would not be at the Hursts’ when Jane called.”
“She called on Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst?”
“Yes, and Miss Bingley did not return it for over a month!”
Darcy paled. “I did not know.”
“It is rather hard to argue Jane is indifferent to Mr. Bingley when she called on his house her first week in Town, is it not?”
“I am so sorry, Elizabeth. I truly di
d not mean to injure your sister. If she still cares to have Bingley call, I think it will be what he most desires after my confession. I believe his affections are unchanged.”
“I still desire to go with you to Longbourn tomorrow. We will need a chaperone. Jane may ride with us. Perhaps you could encourage Mr. Bingley to return to Netherfield.”
“Yes, certainly.”
Darcy felt extreme relief. He knew the pain of a sister with a broken heart and could hardly bear to know he had been the cause of such to any lady, especially his beloved’s sister. Elizabeth seemed readily forgiving. She was direct in her complaints, and he was thankful that as she confessed many months ago at Netherfield, she was not one to hold a grudge and delighted in the follies and inconsistencies of others. Other women would hate him, but he was hopeful Elizabeth understood this situation for the well-intentioned anomaly it was.
Never one to have the talent of directing a conversation, they sat in silence for half an hour, causing Darcy to grow uneasy. At last, he asked, “Do you forgive me, Elizabeth?”
More time elapsed before Elizabeth acknowledged Darcy’s question. He did not recognise the expression in her eyes, but he did find it encouraging. In a reasonably subdued tone, she answered, “I understand your intent was to be of service to your friend. If we reversed the positions, I might have acted similarly. You are a loyal friend, and although you later regretted the decision to leave Netherfield for your own reasons, you did not wish to harm your friend by bringing him back into the country.”
She paused for a moment, then added, “And Mr. Darcy, I have also been a blind fool.”
Although disappointed at the formality of her address, Darcy could not conceive of a reason she would need to apologise, especially in light of his wrongdoing. Overjoyed at her ability to forgive and understand, he realized it went a long way in assuaging some of the guilt he felt.
And Bingley thinks Miss Bennet an angel! What great virtue is it for an angel to think well of others and offer forgiveness? My Elizabeth is fiercely loyal to her loved ones and could only forgive if sensibly earned. She is not so mean as to resent the past.
Absentmindedly, he inquired, “How so, my love?”
Elizabeth blushed at the intimate address, but Darcy could also easily perceive she was hesitant to say her piece. She finally met his gaze, and he could see Elizabeth looked both pained and embarrassed and lacked her usual air of certainty when she finally spoke. “Mr. Wickham told me and, after your departure, all of Meryton some shocking stories about you...and I believed him. I now believe those tales must be untrue, and I apologise. Please forgive me for doubting your gentlemanly character.”
Darcy immediately turned pale in anger. “I see,” he replied coldly, then turned his head to face the window of the carriage.
*****
Elizabeth had been angered to hear of Darcy’s officious actions to separate Mr. Bingley from her dear sister. Although she wanted to dwell in justified hate, her sense of fairness demanded she consider Darcy’s explanation.
The truth is that his interference was not so officious; it was kindly meant. The truth is that he was arrogant in his opinion and presumptuous about Jane, but he cares deeply for Mr. Bingley, has admitted his wrongdoing, and vows to make amends. I saw the genuine look in his eyes, the pain on his face. Perhaps yesterday I could label it officious, but now I am beginning to see he is not quite what I thought.
Elizabeth had seen many times that day, in Darcy’s more unguarded moments, that she had misjudged him quite severely. Her other grievance against Darcy, his infamous treatment of Mr. Wickham, she reconsidered as well. She was embarrassed to be so mistaken as to Darcy’s character, but even her mortified pride had to allow she was likely mistaken as to Wickham’s character as well. Elizabeth believed with certainty that she did not know the full truth about Wickham and doubted Darcy could be so dishonourable as to ignore his father’s will.
By the time she spoke and offered forgiveness, Elizabeth was even able to allow that perhaps Charlotte had been correct and that Jane might have displayed her attachment more openly. After witnessing Darcy’s reaction to her confession of believing Wickham, Elizabeth was sure that whatever had happened between Wickham and Darcy must be horrible indeed.
“Elizabeth, there is nothing to forgive on the matter.”
Darcy glanced at the still sleeping maid with apparent unease. “I will speak to you about Wickham and explain all, but I would prefer to speak at your uncle’s house instead of here.”
Elizabeth understood the wisdom in his plan, and her eyes misted because of his generous words.
“Darling, why are you crying? I cannot understand the cause unless...,” Darcy trailed off, then took a shuddering breath and looked to his boots before continuing, “Unless you love him.” He spoke the last words in a very low whisper, and they obviously brought him pain.
“No!” Elizabeth immediately declared in a harsh whisper. ”Never!”
Darcy’s relief was immediately perceptible to Elizabeth, and she explained, “It is true my vanity was flattered by him, and you wounded it with unthinking comments at the assembly, but he has never touched my heart. He is currently paying his attentions to another, and I found the news not disturbing in the least. I cry because I have been so blind and foolish and believe I have lost your good opinion of me.”
She was only beginning to understand the depth of his feelings—and she was surprised to realise how she welcomed them. At least she did in the interest of starting their marriage with feelings beyond dislike and indifference, she attempted to tell herself. To lose his affections now would be more than a blow to her vanity.
She bowed her head in shame, and Darcy gently tilted her chin up and met her eyes with a tender gaze. “Elizabeth, you have my undying, unconditional love. There is nothing you can do to lose it. I recall telling you my good opinion once lost, is lost forever, but that simply is not possible with you. I fault you not for the success of his deceit. Indeed, he deceived my entire family, me included, for many years.”
As though he considered the matter closed forever, Darcy finished with a slightly commanding though gentle tone, “Now no more on this subject. You should rest some. We still have a difficult discussion ahead of us with your uncle. Sleep, dearest.” Elizabeth blushed at yet another endearment but believed she could think more clearly if she closed her eyes, so she obliged him and feigned rest.
This is too much. Everything is changing too fast. Perhaps this is just a dream?
That very morning, Elizabeth was certain Mr. Darcy was an arrogant and hateful man who disdained her. Now because of a lumpy rug, he was her betrothed. He declared passionate love for her, cast off his overbearing aunt, hoped to bring Bingley back to Jane, and was likely faultless in his treatment of Wickham.
When she awoke that day, Elizabeth’s greatest concerns were the choice of where to walk and how much she should write in a letter to her father of her cousin and his patroness’ follies. Now she was betrothed to a man she had clearly misjudged and barely knew, was to be the mistress of a vast estate, the envy of most of London Society,…and was deeply loved.
I was concerned before about a marriage built on mutual dislike, but what about unequal affections?
She was uncertain if Darcy believed she loved him. If he had been considering marriage, then he must think she at least held him in some esteem. He could have no idea how new and fragile her respect was for him. She allowed that Mr. Darcy seemed genuinely upset by the notion that she may hate him due to his interference with Jane and Mr. Bingley. How would he feel if he knew she had held him in contempt these many months?
If he had proposed when she had any choice, he would have been quite disappointed. If she had ever learned the truth of his officious interference with Bingley and Jane before his proposal, she would have been quite intemperate with her response. It had only been due to the presence of the sleeping maid that Elizabeth had kept her countenance at all. In another set of circumstance
s she likely would have flown into a rage at the man after his confession.
Darcy’s initial insult of Elizabeth at the assembly had wounded her pride and vanity, unbeknownst to her. She could now surmise that growing up in the shadow of Jane’s overwhelming beauty and being her mother’s least favourite daughter caused her to feel insecure in her attractiveness. Elizabeth was, however, aware of her pride in her judgments of people. She fancied herself quick-witted, intelligent, and an observer of character. To know she had been so wrong in her opinion of Darcy, and presumably Wickham, was an unprecedented blow to her understanding. Even in the tumult of Elizabeth’s mind, she had to allow Darcy’s worth to emerge.
Although convinced that she mistook Darcy’s character, Elizabeth still had considerable trepidation over marriage to the man. These troubled thoughts, however, could not stop her wearied mind from finally succumbing to the gentle rocking of the carriage.
*****
Darcy watched over his sleeping Elizabeth, utterly enchanted with the beauty of her form in repose. He mentally shook off the last vestiges of dismay at Elizabeth believing Wickham’s lies. For that brief moment, when he had thought her in love with the reprobate, his heart clenched.
Darcy had not previously troubled himself to consider why Elizabeth was taken in by Wickham; most people were deceived by the man’s charms. He felt more concern over why Wickham applied his attentions to Elizabeth than with her ability to believe the scoundrel. The most probable reason for Wickham’s actions, and the likely outcomes, quickly made its way through Darcy’s mind. He became increasingly concerned as he thought on the matter. Upon the realization that he was rendered incapable of action until later, he chose to abandon his suspicions. The subsequent feeling of impotence chafed rather exceedingly.
Darcy only stayed silent for so great a time in order to judge what he should reveal to Elizabeth on the matter. He quickly decided it best to address her uncle, as well, and Mr. Bennet on the morrow. Darcy regretted that Elizabeth perceived his silence as extreme censure; he reminded himself that she had not yet learned how reticent he became when his mind fixated on a topic. The ache in his head had intensified during his most recent musings, and he recognised the familiar flavour of bile in his throat whenever thought of that man occurred.
Compromising Mr. Darcy: A Pride and Prejudice Variation Anthology Page 3