by Harley Stone
What. The. Fuck?
No, I wasn’t happy. I finally knew the truth, and it was worse than I could have imagined. She was a prostitute. A hooker. Shouldn’t this have come up before she fucking seduced me? Pissed, I glared right back. What did I really know about her? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Was anything she told me true? How could she keep something this big from me? All those conversations, the night we spent together, was any of it real? Had she been playing me the entire time?
And where did that leave me? Was I just another John she regretted fucking?
“I told you you didn’t want to know.”
“Yeah? Well, congratulations, you were right. So, how does this work? Do I need to pay you now, or later?”
I knew the question was a mistake before it even left my mouth. I watched it slam into her and saw the damage it did. They say hurt people hurt people, and Mila had hurt me so badly, I could barely breathe. I’d clapped back from a place of pain, and the result was written all over her face.
Not even her walls could hide her shock and heartache.
She slapped me across the face. “No, Hound, your broke ass can’t afford me.” Tears welled up in her eyes and she snapped her mouth shut, turned on her heel, and stormed off.
I deserved that.
People were staring at me like I was fungus on the bottom of a shower. Feeling like the worst kind of asshole, I rubbed my stinging cheek and took off after her.
18
Mila
IT HAD BEEN weeks since I’d spread my legs for money, but I’d never felt more like a prostitute than I did when Hound asked if he needed to pay me for sex. Shocked he would even suggest such a thing, my hand flew across his face before I even had time to process what I was doing.
Why was I even surprised by his reaction?
I’d expected it. Hell, it’s why I’d never told him about my side hustle in the first place. I’d learned long ago that people couldn’t accept all of me, so I was careful to keep my life compartmentalized, only letting them see what they needed to.
Except, now Hound knew too much.
He knew, because I’d told him! He’d pushed me too damn hard, and I’d revealed all in some misguided attempt to shove him away. I knew when the truth came out, he wouldn’t look at me the same. He’d see me as a slut—as someone he couldn’t respect or value—and he’d leave me alone.
Mission accomplished, Mila.
Yeah, I’d done it. I’d destroyed Hound’s view of me.
But I hadn’t expected it to hurt so much.
It shouldn’t. I’d consciously categorized him as a client, therefore absolving myself of any emotional responses. It was just sex. No big deal. I’d had sex with tons of men, and I didn’t care what any of them thought of me. And I certainly couldn’t afford to let Hound’s opinion get to me.
I went straight to my room, locked the door, and started pacing. Minutes later, he knocked and called out an apology, asking to talk. My pace quickened, and my heartrate rose with my emotions.
He’d looked at me with disgust.
He didn’t judge the club whores for spreading their legs, but he’d sure as hell tried and convicted me. Damn him! And damn me for caring so much. Rage mixed with anxiety. Fear and depression made me want to shrink myself small enough to disappear.
“Mila, come on. Talk to me.”
I didn’t answer, and Hound eventually gave up. As the sound of his steps receded, I pulled my phone out of my purse and called my cousin.
Levi wasn’t much for greetings or small talk, so he got right into it. “How was lunch with Mr. Perfect?” he asked.
“Great. Couldn’t be better. And here you thought I needed to make a friend. Turns out I still have my oldest one.”
“I take it you no longer think he’s the killer?”
“Nope.” To be honest, I didn’t even care about the killer anymore. I’d rather die than face Hound again, and I needed to get the hell out of there. Toby had thrown me a rope, and I needed to seize it and hold on for dear life. “We both know Toby couldn’t hurt anyone. He’s a good guy. He’s going out of town from Wednesday to Sunday and I’ll be kitten sitting for him at his house.”
Levi sucked down a breath, taking in the information. “Okay. If that’s what you want to do. But I’m sending Hound with you.”
“Like hell you are,” I fired back.
“Meals,” I could almost see Levi shaking his head at my adamant response. “Toby might be the best guy in the world, but I don’t want you staying at his place alone. Hound will go with you.”
Bracing for a fight, I replied, “No, he won’t.”
“Fine. I’ll ask one of the other prospects to accompany you.”
“No. I want to be alone. No Hound. No prospects.”
“Don’t be stupid, Meals.”
His tone only added fuel to my raging fire. “How about don’t be a condescending asshole, Levi. I had a life before I came here. A perfectly good life, where I lived alone and did things on my own all the time.”
“Oh, you mean that perfectly good life where your best friend and one of your clients were brutally murdered by some zealot who’s been sending you threatening Bible verses? That perfectly good life?”
God, he was such a smartass. “Yep. That’s the one.”
“It’s not safe.”
Needing to do something productive with the rage burning through my veins, I stopped pacing long enough to grab one of my suitcases and wheel it over to the dresser. Might as well start packing. “Nothing in life is really safe. It’s been weeks since I received the last email. I think the killer’s grown bored and moved on.”
“You do, huh? Is that your professional opinion as a teacher, or as an escort.”
He wanted to insult my professions, did he? Two could play that game. “Fuck you and the drone you rode in on, Levi. Do you even know what human contact is anymore?”
“You think of that all on your own? So clever.”
His sarcasm wasn’t helping. “Clever enough to get the hell out of here. Don’t worry, this teacher-slash-escort problem will be out of your hair first thing Wednesday morning.”
“Not even planning to come back after your stint at Tobias’s?” Levi asked.
“Nope. It’s better for everyone if I leave now.”
“Shit.” His tone grew serious. “What happened with Hound? Did you guys fight? Is he okay?”
I was leaving, and Levi was worried about Hound? I could sure see where his priorities were. “This isn’t about him; it’s about me. I can’t live like this anymore. Locked up in a fire station with a bunch of bikers… what kind of life is that?”
“A bit melodramatic don’t you think? Not like you come off your high horse to interact with any of those bikers. These guys put their necks on the line for you, and you probably wouldn’t even be able to pick one out of a lineup. And locked up?” He snorted. “That’s a laugh. You have the goddamn key to your door! You’re no fuckin’ Rapunzel, Meals. Nobody’s forcing your ass to stay. You want to go put yourself back in danger like some suicidal idiot, you have my blessing.”
“Good.”
“Great,” he fired back. “Now tell me what’s going on with Hound.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Too damn bad. You promised you wouldn’t fuck with him. Even called him a friend. You’re damn well gonna talk about it. What happened?”
I couldn’t answer, because I was still trying to figure that out. Toby talked about our childhood like it was some sort of mystical paradise full of unicorns and rainbows. My memories were very different, but I’d been all too willing to play along, hoping to replace my recollection with his.
No such luck.
“Who the fuck are you, Amelia?”
Victim.
Slut.
Closed off bitch.
I didn’t like any of the words that defined me, so I recreated my identity as necessary. Why did Hound have to see through my masks? Why did he de
mand more than I was able to give? He’d been honest and interested, he’d taken care of me and made sure I wasn’t lonely or hungry. He’d been the friend I needed, and despite my promise, I’d severely fucked things up between us.
Destroyer.
Struggling under the weight of this new adjective for myself, I wobbled over to collapse on the bed as guilt choked me. It tapped into my jugular and spread through my veins like a toxin.
Sex was supposed to be a transaction, agreed upon ahead of time without any messy feelings to muck shit up. It should have been a simple itch we both scratched. Despite my best efforts to contain them, emotions had somehow leaked into this thing between us, turning it into a raging river we were both thrashing wildly in.
I needed to swim away from him before we took each other down.
“Meals?” Levi asked, reminding me he was still on the phone and waiting for an answer.
“Maybe it’s better for everyone if I don’t make friends,” I admitted.
“That’s a fuckin’ copout if I’ve ever heard one.”
He didn’t understand how much damage I could do. How much I had done. All Hound wanted was for me to be real with him, and I couldn’t even do that. I’d lashed out at him instead. Levi was right, Hound had been through enough already, and he didn’t need me making his life worse. “Or my contribution to society.”
Levi snorted. “That’s bullshit, Meals, and you know it. Yeah, you got issues; I get it. We all have issues. Go see a shrink and get some goddamn help like an adult.” His tone softened. “Look, we never… talked about it, but I know what… what they did to girls at the compound, and—”
Closing my eyes, I tried to block out his words. Not again. Not now. Why did this shit have to keep coming up? The heavy oak door of the reverend’s chambers waited behind my eyelids. I trembled as the door swung inward.
Snapping my eyes open, I shouted, “I don’t want to talk about it!” I couldn’t. I just needed it to go away. I needed to forget again.
“And it’s all about what you want, isn’t it? Fuck what anybody else wants.”
“Are you done?” Pushing myself off the bed, I unzipped my suitcase and opened the drawer to start filling it.
“I love you, Meals, but I can’t let you fuck with one of my brothers. Don’t come to the office tomorrow. Just stay away from Hound until you leave. He doesn’t need this shit, and I don’t want you to be the reason he falls off the wagon and loses everything all over again.”
I wanted to argue, but didn’t want to see Hound fail either. Besides, I didn’t think I could face my former friend again. Not after seeing that hurt look in his eyes and knowing I was responsible. “All right,” I conceded, hoping Levi’d give it a rest and end the conversation.
“I’ll miss you,” he said, sounding as open and honest as I’d ever heard him.
Stunned by his admission, I fought back tears. “You’ll miss arguing with me.”
“That’s what I meant.” His tone grew somber again. “You know, I once had someone who looked at me the way Hound looks at you.”
Caught off guard by the change of subject, I let my curiosity get the best of me. “Yeah? What happened?”
“I was a dumbass.” He laughed, but there was no mirth in it. “I thought my demons were more important. I wanted to wallow in self-pity more than I wanted her. Thankfully she was smart enough to leave my sorry ass. She’s living in Southern California now. I sometimes hijack a satellite dish to check in on her. I thought for sure she’d be married with a few kids by now, but I’ve never seen her look at anyone quite the way she looked at me.”
“You know stalking’s creepy, right?”
He snorted.
It was a little creepy, but his story was also heartbreaking. I thought about my cousin alone in his office, trying to get a glimpse of the woman he let get away. “If you know where she is, why don’t you go to her? See if the two of you can rekindle something?”
“It’s been too long. I caused her too much pain. She’s better off without me.”
“Just like Hound’s better off without me.”
I expected Levi to argue, but instead, he replied, “Yeah. You really do need professional help, Meals.”
And there it was. The final axe had fallen. The one person who’d always been in my corner no longer had my back. Not only had I destroyed my friendship with Hound, I’d severed my connection with Levi.
Angry, I spat, “He’s not your real brother, I’m your blood. I’m your family.” It was a last-ditch effort to secure Levi’s loyalty, and remind him he still loved me, but it backfired. Horribly.
“You might be my blood, but you don’t know shit about family,” he shot back before hanging up on me.
I stared at the phone, knowing he was right. I’d fucked everything up and had no idea how to fix it. I’d done a damn good job digging myself into a hole, and now I couldn’t climb out. My wheelhouse didn’t even stock the tools for climbing out. I had no choice but to keep digging and hope I found my way back to Ontario before I did more damage.
I wasn’t planning to return to the fire station after my kitten sitting duties, so I had my room all packed up and ready to go by Wednesday morning. I hadn’t spoken to Hound or Levi since Sunday, and didn’t want to ask them for help, so I carted my luggage downstairs on my own, setting it by the front door to wait. Toby arrived five minutes ahead of schedule, and gladly helped me wheel everything out to his sedan.
“That’s a lot of luggage for four days,” he observed as he loaded everything into the trunk. Scooting around the car, he hurried to open the passenger door for me. “You’re not planning on moving in, are you?”
I knew he was joking, but there was a hopeful glint in his eyes I couldn’t ignore. Laughing, I shook my head. “No. I’m not planning on coming back. I need to head home and get ready for the school year. Figured I’d just head straight to the airport from your place.”
“Right. Of course.” He circled the car and climbed in. “But you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. I have a spare bedroom. You’d even have your own bathroom.”
Not knowing what to say, I stared at him.
“In fact, if you ever need somewhere to crash, you don’t have to stay with a bunch of bikers. There will always be room for you at my place.”
“That’s really sweet, Toby, thanks.” It was also a little uncomfortable, since I didn’t necessarily think we were at the roommate stage of our relationship. Hell, until recently, I’d suspected him of murder. The more time we spent together, the more I realized there was no way Toby could have stoned Polly to death. He didn’t have a violent bone in his body. He didn’t even like to hunt. I’d almost forgotten about how much he hated it when his dad would make him go.
“I’m bummed you’ll be going home so soon,” he said, looking rejected. “We just reconnected.”
“Maybe you can come see me in Canada sometime.” I was only trying to be polite, and not actually inviting him to visit, but the way Toby’s face lit up made me wonder if I was somehow leading him on. I couldn’t go through that again. It’d kill me. I’d have to watch what I said around him.
“I’d like that,” Toby replied with a grin.
Not knowing how to respond, I looked out the window and changed the subject. “Oh, wow, is that the Space Needle?”
He nodded. “Hasn’t Levi taken you on a tour of the city?”
“No. He hasn’t really had time. He’s been—”
“Working. I remember. You know, I can take you around after my trip.”
“Can’t.” I frowned, trying to look disappointed. “I have a redeye Sunday night.”
“Aww man, you’re not even going to stick around after I get back?”
“Sorry. Already booked my flight.”
Thankfully. I need to get out of Dodge before I fuck you up, too.
Toby was clearly disappointed, but he let the matter drop. We rode the rest of the way in companionable silence. About fifteen minutes later, h
e pulled into the driveway of a little bungalow. I could feel him watching me, waiting for my reaction to his rental.
“Your place is adorable,” I said.
He beamed me a smile and slid the car into park. “Thanks. It’s not home, but it’s growing on me.”
“I bet you miss San Francisco.”
He gave me a bewildered look. “Frisco’s not home.”
His expectant gaze pinned me in place, putting me on the spot and making me nervous. Could he possibly be referring to the compound? I didn’t want to know, so I didn’t ask. Instead, I climbed out of the car and started planning my exit strategy. I just had to play it cool until he left for the airport. I’d have four blissful days alone with a kitten, then maybe I’d call for an uber and head to the airport before he got home Sunday. I’d leave him a completely platonic note and maybe between that and my absence, he’d get the hint that we were just friends.
The inside of Toby’s house was nice and clean with vaulted ceilings, fresh paint, and plush carpet. We rolled my luggage inside and set it beside the door while Daisy came out to greet us. She was everything I’d hoped she’d be, letting me pick her up and stretching against my hand. She purred, and I fell instantly in love. Since leaving the compound, I’d never adopted a cat, figuring I’d somehow be stomping on the memory of my irreplaceable childhood pet, but two seconds with the beautiful blue-eyed kitten had me rethinking my position. Maybe I was ready for this kind of companion after all. I tucked her against me and followed Toby as he gave me a tour of the house.
“Guest bedroom,” he said, pausing in front of a door. “Is purple still your favorite color?”
Wondering why he wanted to know, I nodded. It wasn’t, but I didn’t care to go into details. He opened the door to reveal a moderate sized room with a small walk-in closet and purple bedding that would have been perfect teenaged me. Fearing he’d purchased the bedding specifically for me, I forced a smile. “It’s a beautiful room, Toby.”
Grinning like he’d just won the lottery, he pointed to a familiar looking cactus in an ornate flowerpot on the dresser.