“No.” She’d had enough outpouring of emotion over the last half hour. “I’ll have Mary read it later, if you don’t mind.”
“Not at all. I just wasn’t sure if you’d want to share family business with her.”
“She has been my only family for many years. I trust her implicitly.”
Daniel placed the envelope in her hands. She took it reluctantly holding the parchment, eager to open it and know what it said. It was still warm from her brother’s pocket, the paper soft and worn from being carried for so long. Fingering the edge of the worn envelope, she contemplated her next move.
“Can I prepare a room for you?” she asked.
“I need to head back to London to start my search. I would, however, like to escort you to London to see de Burgh’s opening night next week.”
While she wanted to avoid Teddy, she knew she couldn’t miss this performance. “I would be delighted to attend with you.”
“I need to be on my way.” Daniel stood and paused for a moment. “Maybe I can take you down to see Father at Christmas.”
She nodded and let him assist her to her feet. “Thank you, I’d like that.”
Her brother kissed her cheek and left.
She tucked the letter in her dress, next to her heart. Mary could read it to her later, over dinner.
ROSA BROUGHT THE SPOON TO her mouth and sipped the pea soup.
“You have that look on your face.” Mary set her utensil down and it might have been Rosa’s imagination, but she had the impression that Mary fidgeted nervously in her chair.
“What look is that?”
“You aren’t happy about something.”
She placed her spoon on the table. “I’m just contemplating something.”
Mary said nothing in response.
“I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. A little strange with Daniel’s visit. I never thought he’d be in my life again, not in a capacity that might matter.” She put her hand out on the table, palm up. Mary clasped it and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
“Will you see de Burgh again?” Mary asked, surprising Rosa with the question. Had her brother mentioned something to her maid? It didn’t seem likely, but one never knew.
“I think it’s for the best I don’t. I haven’t seen him since our last day at the duke’s town house.” She stirred her soup with a chunk of break, no longer hungry now that Teddy was in her thoughts. She missed him fiercely and felt as though she’d made the wrong decision. “Our parting was not amicable by any means. And there were things said that make any sort of reconciliation impossible.”
“You’re wrong in that regard. He adores you.”
“He’ll find another woman to adore. He’s a decent man, with a distinguished title. With me gone, every mama with a marriageable daughter will be courting him after his concerto is heard.”
Rosa put the bread in her mouth and chewed it so she wouldn’t have to talk.
Mary slid her bowl to the side. “Why do you have to say things like that? He adores you. Make no mistake in that regard. It might be easy for you to say he should find another, but how would you really feel if he did just that?”
“It would be better for him in the long run, don’t you think?” Or so she kept repeating to herself whenever she thought of him.
“I don’t believe you. While I understand that you miss Michael and losing him was difficult, you can’t continue to live in the past.”
“I’m not.” She stood away from the table, tired of this conversation and wanting nothing more than to escape it. Mary, apparently in lecture mode, followed her from the room.
“Oh, Mary. I know you’re right.” Her chest tightened as she walked up the stairs to her bedchamber. “But it’s too late for me to have that kind of joy in my life.”
“You’re too young to be talking this way.”
“Am I? You always said I was an old soul.” She took a deep breath, trying to ease the anxiety that had hold of her. “I might hate that I left Teddy’s side when he wanted nothing more than for me to stay, but I would never forgive myself if I ruined his life. I love him too much to do that to him.”
“I understand your reasoning, I do. But I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. You made the wrong decision. You are worthy of a life with him. You always have been.”
Rosa took a seat at her vanity and started to remove her hairpins. Mary picked up her brush and combed out sections so it could be plaited for the night.
“There is one promise I want from you,” Mary said.
“I already know what you’re going to ask. I can’t make that promise.”
Mary took another section of hair and ran the bristles through it. “At least consider seeing de Burgh again before you sign your life away to being a spinster.”
“If it makes you feel better, I will be attending his opening night with my brother next week.”
“It’s good you’ve come to terms with your brother, though I don’t like this business with Johnson.” Rosa told her maid everything after her brother had left.
As she released the buttons on the front of her dress, she remembered the letter her brother had given her.
“Speaking of the past and making amends with family.” She pulled out the letter tucked in her dress. “Daniel gave me this. My father wrote it before his mind started to go.”
“Shall I read it to you?”
She nodded, ready to hear what her father had written. It made her long for his warm embrace. How she missed him in her life.
My Dearest Amaryllis,
This is the last letter I will pen to you, my darling child. You were the light of my life and the spirit I needed when your mother died. You gave me laughter and joy when I wanted nothing more than to crawl into despair. Your mother would say I’m being selfish and foolish like a boy. I think perhaps, knowing love as I did, that that was my sole reasoning for wanting to follow your mother to the grave. Life is a hard lesson, one I learned too little of and often too late.
I wish more than anything that you hadn’t lost your Michael at so tender an age. That you were deprived of that love breaks my heart every day.
You don’t know it yet, but will soon learn that I’ve watched you through the years. You have made the best of the worst. You strived for more and succeeded when most would have failed and found a lesser path. No matter what you’ve done, I’ve always loved you. There is no sacrifice too great for the cause of love—at least for this old heart that still beats strong for one held by death’s cold touch.
I should have been stronger for you, I know that now, I knew it the fateful day you were forced by my cruel hand to leave our home. The light of our lives ceased to shine after that day. But it cannot be changed. God chooses the best path for us, plans His course for us for good reason, and I trust there is a reason it’s happened this way. May He give you the stars and moon for all that you’ve suffered.
Live, my darling daughter.
Live life to the fullest. I know I should have given you that, but I failed in my duty as your father. Daughter mine, if you can find love and beauty in everything as you did when you were a child, then I know I will die in peace. I will be a happy man for having raised such an amazing girl.
Love Always, Papa.
Rosa was sniffling by the end of the letter, with tears falling freely down her cheeks that she didn’t even bother to wipe away. “All this time.”
“Your father always loved you something fierce. You couldn’t see him when he asked you to leave that last day, but he had tears in his eyes, much like you do now. And I could see how broken his heart was, having to humiliate you the way he did.”
“I wonder if he’ll remember me now that he’s unwell. Daniel thinks we should visit him at Christmas.”
“A father can’t forget his daughter. You were the light of his life.”
“I hope I still am.” She pulled down the counterpane and slid into her bed. “It’s been a long day. Let’s get some rest so we can unpack
the rest of the house tomorrow.”
“A sound plan. Good night, Rosa.”
“Good night. And, Mary”—she reached her hand out, and Mary grabbed it—“thank you for everything.”
“You needn’t give thanks.”
Rosa didn’t agree. When she closed her eyes, she tried to forget about Teddy and prayed sleep would take her. She lay awake most of the night feeling like she’d made a terrible mistake. Knowing she’d made a terrible mistake.
“HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, ROSA?” Teddy watched her nervously pluck at the loose thread on the edge of the yellow damask chair.
“I’ve been well. We’ve finally settled into the house enough that everything has found a place and I’m not constantly tripping over things.”
His brother had told him exactly where he’d find her house. He needed no reminders that his brother had had more contact with her than he had since she’d left him more than a week ago. Time escaped him these days. He’d been in one rehearsal after another, wanting only to bury himself in his work, as it was the only thing stopping him from going to Rosa. That had only worked for this long.
He couldn’t forget the reason he’d come. The news he had to share. The moment he’d heard of Johnson’s fate, he had wanted to be the first one to tell her.
She nibbled on one of the pastries she’d had her maid put out. She was uneasy and, he thought, doing anything and everything to avoid talking to him. The bruises Johnson had left were completely faded, there wasn’t even a mark left where her lip had split. She looked happy and healthy, too. Better than when he’d first met her, which he figured had something to do with her brother being back in her life. He was delighted for her; really, he was, though it irked him slightly that he was all but miserable since she’d left him, while apparently she fared well.
He gulped down half of the tepid tea and set the cup on the table when he realized his hands were shaking and the spoon rattled on the porcelain surface. Every bone in his body wanted to gather her in his arms, and it took everything he had to hold back that desire.
“I came the moment I heard about Johnson’s fate.”
Her hand stilled halfway to the tray of sweets and she sat up with an added tenseness in her posture.
“Nothing you need fear, but he’s been run out of the country after some bad dealings with a handful of lords’ wives. The Earl of Mayberry apparently dueled with him. Johnson was shot, and it’s rumored his health has been failing rapidly since.”
The look in her face was shocked. “Are the rumors true?”
He reached for her hand, refusing to keep his distance now that he’d distressed her. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought it would put you at ease, knowing he couldn’t harm you.”
“While I will never forgive him for the way he treated me, I would never wish him ill. He had his reasons for hating me.”
Teddy’s head shot up. Was she seriously going to forgive the cad so easily? “He didn’t have the right to treat you the way he did.”
“No, but it was our past, you see.”
“Your past?” She’d told him that Johnson had pursued her and that she had refused him every time. What past could they possibly have had?
“And before you think the worst of me, you should know that Johnson was once a friend of sorts.”
He didn’t know what to say except, “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“He was part of the life I wanted so desperately to forget and he was Michael’s dearest friend. I disliked him in my younger years, too. The only reason he pursued me so zealously was because he wanted to destroy what little I had made of my life after Michael died.”
“You could have told me, Rosa. While none of this excuses his actions, it explains why he was so cruel to you.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” she said.
“The rumor was from a reliable source. Johnson is in Spain now, and the doctors are trying to bleed the poison from his blood.”
Rosa looked away from him in contemplation. It amazed him that she could be so compassionate after everything that had happened between her and Johnson.
He combed his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry I brought this news to you. I thought it might let you sleep better at night.”
“It does in a sense. But I’m still saddened that a good man was wasted because of his hatred toward me.”
She had to stop thinking everything was her fault. Which brought him right back around to them. “We didn’t part on the best of terms, did we, Rosa?”
“We didn’t. But it can’t be helped now.”
“You confound me.”
What she didn’t know was that her brother had paid him a visit not two days ago and had asked what his intentions were toward his sister. Teddy hadn’t known what to say since Rosa seemed to be the one refusing his companionship—his love.
“Why did you come all this way to tell me about Johnson instead of penning a note?”
Stunned by her directness, he knew the only answer was the full truth. “Because I wanted to see you. Because I miss your company and your laughter. I miss your smiling face when I wake up in the morning. Is that what you want to know? Do I need to keep repeating myself and hope you’ll eventually believe how dear to me you truly are?”
He tousled his hair again and rose from the settee to pace the sitting room. “Was I wrong to think we’d at least stay true to the friendship we developed? I’ve stayed away in hopes you’d come to miss me half as much as I missed you.”
Face changing to something expressionless, she rose and made her way to him, stopping just in front of him. She wore no gloves and there was a small golden band on her right hand; he wondered if it was the one Michael was going to give her for their marriage. He wanted to laugh at himself. She’d made that man into a martyr. What hope in hell did he have in competing with that?
Taking her hands in his, he pulled them up to kiss her knuckles. “Can you walk away so easily from us?”
“My feelings were always torn where you were concerned, Teddy. I knew the best thing for me to do was to leave, and I’m glad you respected that wish and stayed away. And the answer to your question is no, I can’t walk so easily away from us. It’s breaking me more and more every day.”
He traced his finger down the side of her face. “You see? This is the old Rosa I know.”
“I had hoped you wouldn’t want to see me after our parting. No good comes from your association with me, Teddy.”
“I could never stay away for too long. It made me nearly mad with longing to be at your side. I’m miserable without you.” He tucked an errant curl behind her ear.
Her head was shaking at his confession. “I’m no good for you in the long run, Teddy.”
“Let me be the judge of what’s right for me.”
“You know that if you associate yourself with me any more than you already have, it will hurt your career. It wouldn’t matter if I stayed in the background as your mistress, there would always be whispers. Besides, I think you want more than a mistress.”
“I won’t settle for a mistress, you’re right in that regard.”
“If we were to continue on as if the world around us didn’t matter, it would catch up with us both. The ton loathes gentlemen of your rank sinking so low as to have a career, and they still dictate whom society as a whole loves and hates. It will ultimately be they who decide if you’ll be a success or a failure to be dragged through the mud. I don’t want the latter for you. You deserve so much more. But that might be your fate if you consign yourself to me.”
“You’re overthinking this. Society will have their say and their comments in the rags. But in time none of it will matter.”
“It will always matter. You are the son of a duke and hold your own title. I’m but a common doxy in their eyes. I cannot face their hatred again. It was hard enough when I was scorned for my indiscretions.”
Not wanting to hear the same speech she’d given him so many times, he placed his ha
nds at the dip in her waist to keep them both steady, close, and prepared himself for the question he had wanted to ask her for days. It had been part of the reason he’d wanted to give her the news of Johnson. Part of the reason he’d needed to see her so desperately.
“And what if I offered you marriage? What would you say then?”
HANDS REACHING UP, SHE GRASPED the sides of his jacket to keep from swaying. She was sure her heart stopped for a full half-minute. Marriage was the last thing she had expected. The last words she would ever think to hear from his tongue.
“Teddy, don’t do this.” Her argument was starting to lack conviction when he could hear just how broken she was as she tried to refuse him yet again.
“Do what? Beg you to return to me? I’ve exposed myself to you, and you’ve pricked at my pride with the sharpest rapier in your arsenal. I’ve given you my heart, and you’ve scorned the very idea of love with me. I’ve given you my soul, and you’ve banished it to the coldest of shadows.”
His words cut her so deeply.
“It’s better that we remain friends if we must go on in any capacity.” She couldn’t believe she was refusing him. She hated herself for it, too.
“It’s not better. It’s a shallow existence I live through daily. I live for nothing without you. I hope for nothing. I feel as though I am nothing. I’m half a man, eviscerated by some slip of a woman. I go about the day, hating everyone and everything around me because you’ve taken what good was left in me. Don’t refuse me now, Rosa. You’ll destroy me and you’ll destroy a future for us with your misplaced honor.”
And she felt half a woman without him, she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs.
Taking on such a prominent position in his life would bring him down as she’d brought herself down all those years ago. Even if their union were sanctioned in marriage, they’d be scorned. There would be those who remembered her fall.
“You have a gift as a composer. I will not ruin that for you,” she said firmly.
“Do you think because you refuse happiness for yourself that you might as well make me miserable right along with you?” His voice grew darker with each passing moment.
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