The station leader gives me a long hard stare. ‘Interesting you should bring that up, Kate. I was planning to talk to you about that very subject.’ She pauses, assessing the effect of her words. I wait for her to continue.
‘I’ve received information that you’ve been helping yourself to the base medication, Kate. Beyond your capacity as a doctor, I mean.’
‘Who?’ I blurt, heat rising to my cheeks. ‘Who told you that?
Whoever stole those pills, probably. To cover their tracks. To set me up.
Sandrine ignores my question. ‘I took it upon myself earlier to check our existing stock of medication, and there are a number of anomal—’
‘Check?’ I ask, aghast. ‘How do you mean, check?’
‘I’ve counted the supplies of certain drugs, Kate, and verified them against your prescribing notes. The two do not match up. Not even remotely.’
‘You’ve been in my clinic?’ I stammer. ‘Without my permission? When?’ Jesus, was it Sandrine who took those pills from my room?
The station leader raises a contemptuous eyebrow. ‘I hardly think you’re in a position to criticise, are you?’
I close my mouth. Checkmate.
‘Would you like to explain what has happened to all that medication, Kate?’
‘I told you. Someone took it.’
‘So you say. But from what I hear, it’s you that has the problem with drugs, Doctor North.’
Fuck. She knows.
She’s known all along.
I blink furiously. Do not cry, Kate. Don’t you fucking dare.
‘And yet you’re asking – no, demanding – that I trust your judgement now,’ Sandrine’s voice is firm and steady. ‘You are completely unprofessional. Worse than that, you’re a liability. You’ve done nothing but stir up trouble from the moment—’
‘Oh, and I suppose sleeping with Jean-Luc, threatening to tell his family about your affair, I guess that’s not fucking unprofessional, is it?’
Sandrine’s face reddens, as if I’ve just reached across her desk and slapped her. Her mouth opens as if to speak, then closes again.
‘He knew, Sandrine. Jean-Luc knew there was somebody on the base who posed a danger to everyone, and he wanted you to help him prove it. And I think Alex was tracking this person down, and that’s why he’s dead as well. And you,’ I nod at the file on her desk, then at the filing cabinet, ‘you’re the only one who can help us find out who—’
I’m interrupted by a loud knock on the door. We both turn to see Drew, Luuk right behind him.
‘Can you leave us alone for a while?’ I say. ‘I need to talk to—’
‘No,’ Sandrine cuts in. ‘I’ve heard enough wild accusations for one day. Please escort Kate to her cabin,’ she says, addressing Luuk and Drew, then turns back to me. ‘As acting magistrate on this base I am ordering you to remain in the confines of your room until further notice. If you don’t agree to stay there, I will have you detained in a locked area. Do you understand?’
‘You have to be kidding me!’ I gasp, astounded. ‘You can’t be serious.’
‘I am most definitely serious. You pose a danger to everybody on this station. I will be contacting UNA for advice on what to do with you. Meanwhile, I want you to hand over the keys to your clinic and the medicine cabinet.’
I look at Drew and Luuk, but they won’t meet my eyes. ‘Do you agree with this?’ I appeal to Drew. ‘Are you just going to let her do this?’
‘She’s the station leader, Kate.’ He shrugs. ‘It’s her decision.’
I turn to Sandrine. ‘So you’re locking me up, without any kind of discussion. You’re simply going to ignore what’s happening here? Why, Sandrine? What have you got to lose by taking this situation seriously?’
‘I have nothing to lose,’ she snaps. ‘I am doing what I consider to be best for everyone on this base.’
‘And to hell with the consequences,’ I spit back at her. ‘You know damn well Jean-Luc was worried about what was going on here. And now Alex is dead. And you’re concerned about fucking morale? At what point are you going to start worrying about whether or not we’re safe—’ I stop mid-sentence, realising the trap I’m about to walk into.
Be careful, Kate, I warn myself. Not in front of the others.
‘Take her away,’ Sandrine says in a clipped tone, turning her back to me as she returns Arne’s file to the cabinet. I see her examining the locker key, putting two and two together.
Drew pulls a ‘leave it’ face at me and nods at the door. I slam my clinic keys on Sandrine’s desk then march back towards my cabin, Drew and Luuk trailing in my wake.
‘What was that about?’ Drew grabs my arm once we get there. ‘Kate, what on earth is going on?’
I wrench myself away. Glare at him furiously.
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmurs. ‘I wanted to do something, really, but I can’t directly go against—’
‘Forget it,’ I snap, then run into my room, wedging my desk chair under the handle to secure the door. Sinking onto my bed, I bury my head in the pillow and give way to a tidal wave of anger and humiliation.
33
5 July
‘Kate?’ Caro’s voice. ‘It’s me, and Alice. You going to let us in?’
I ignore them both. I feel so wretched, so humiliated, I don’t want to talk to anyone. Plus I haven’t had any pills for over twelve hours now and I’m beginning to feel horrible. Not simply the craving – though that’s bad enough – but sweats and chills, plus strange aches in my muscles.
Withdrawal symptoms from the opiates in the painkillers.
I just pray I don’t fall victim to the usual vomiting and diarrhoea. I’m well aware from the addicts coming into A&E that going cold turkey is very hard on the body.
‘We’ve brought you some supper. Kate, please open the door.’
I drag myself from my bed. Remove the chair and let them in.
Alice makes a sympathetic grimace, setting a sandwich and a bottle of water on my desk while Caro enfolds me in a tight embrace. Releasing me, she widens her eyes – don’t say anything in front of Alice.
‘You okay?’ Alice hovers, clearly embarrassed, which stings even more. I can well imagine the whispered conversations around the base as news of my confinement spread. What does Arne think? I wonder. Certainly he hasn’t attempted to see me; I’ve been alone in here for hours, and no sign of him.
Is that suspicious? Impossible to know.
‘Am I okay?’ I hold Alice’s gaze. ‘Not really.’ No point pretending otherwise.
‘This whole situation is ridiculous,’ Caro says fiercely. ‘Some of us are going to talk to Sandrine tomorrow, when she’s calmed down.’
Alice chews her lip, watching me as I digest Caro’s words. Some of us. So there are others who believe I deserve this?
‘Is there anything more you need?’ Alice offers. ‘Books, something else from the kitchen?’ She’s clearly desperate to get away. I’m hurt and disappointed – I’d counted her as a friend.
‘Some painkillers would be nice,’ I quip, then regret it when I see her mortified expression. ‘I’m fine,’ I lie, ‘but thanks.’
‘Do you want me to take you to the bathroom?’
‘I’m fine,’ I repeat, irritated by Alice’s officiousness. Does she honestly think I’ll do a runner if allowed to go to the loo on my own? ‘But I do need to give Caro a check-up. Do you reckon she’ll be safe with me?’
Alice turns a bright shade of pink then nods and leaves the room, shutting the door behind her.
Caro’s eyes brim with tears of sympathy. I resist the impulse to hug her again. I shouldn’t get her any more involved, or cause her more stress.
Though I already have. I’ve already added to the general air of tension on the station. At what point are you going to start worrying about whether we’re safe? My words to Sandrine ring in my ears – what are the chances neither Luuk nor Drew passed them on?
Stupid, Kate. Really fucking stupid.
/>
‘What happened?’ asks Caro. ‘Why has Sandrine done this?’
I sink back onto the bed, considering how much to tell her. I have to make an active effort to control the shivers taking over my body.
She sits beside me. ‘This is about Alex, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. Well, partly.’ I’m too exhausted and emotionally numb to lie to her. I collapse onto my pillow, pull my duvet around me. ‘I found his activity monitor in the garage – or what was left of it. It was crushed – deliberately, it seems. I took it to show Sandrine and then I … I did something very silly. She caught me checking out one of her personnel files.’
‘You found Alex’s activity band?’ Caro gapes at me, clearly shocked. ‘But what was it doing in the garage?’
‘You tell me.’
She considers this. ‘You think this has something to do with Arne?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe.’
She sits in silence for a while. Then winces.
‘You all right?’
Caro nods. ‘Just another kick. Gets me square in the bladder, every time.’
We both smile. For a second or so we’re simply two women, enjoying the miracle of pregnancy, contemplating the little life inside her.
‘I don’t believe this had anything to do with Arne,’ Caro says quietly.
‘How do you know?’ I gaze at her, trying to read her expression.
She shrugs. ‘I just don’t think so. He’s furious about what happened to you. I heard him shouting at Sandrine earlier. I thought you should be aware of that.’
I swallow. ‘Thanks.’ Despite everything, despite my suspicions, my heart lifts a little at her words.
Caro studies my face, her expression sympathetic. She knows, I realise. She knows how I feel about Arne.
Oh shit – am I that easy to read? And if Caro’s noticed, have others? Has Drew?
A sharp pang of guilt adds to my physical discomfort. Despite what happened in Sandrine’s office, I still count Drew as a friend – I really don’t want to hurt him, even inadvertently.
‘That’s why Arne hasn’t come to see you,’ Caro continues. ‘Sandrine threatened to have both of you locked up, if he tried.’
‘Did she?’ I raise my eyebrows in surprise, wondering precisely what he said to make her react like that.
God, what a mess. I’ve played this all wrong. I should have gone straight to Sandrine back when I first watched Jean-Luc’s video. Should have owned up, and related exactly what he said. He clearly talked to her, told her his suspicions. They were lovers after all, and presumably friends.
Because if Jean-Luc and Alex were right, if there’s a killer on the base, here, now, then Sandrine’s the only person who can narrow that down. She must know exactly when Jean-Luc was at McMurdo. Or if he’s worked anywhere else, for that matter – after all, I can’t be sure Naomi Perez was the woman the late doctor was referring to. Perhaps there have been deaths on other bases that haven’t been reported.
Either way, Sandrine’s the key to all of this. But the chances of getting her to talk to me look slim to zero.
‘Do you happen to know when Jean-Luc was at McMurdo?’ I ask, trying to sound casual – the less I involve Caro the better.
‘No idea,’ she says. ‘But Arne might know – he was there too, I think.’
‘You got any idea who else?’
Caro thinks. ‘Tom, maybe? Or Luuk. I’m not sure. Why are you asking?’
I sigh. ‘Just trying to figure out some stuff. Leave it to me, okay?’ I give her a meaningful, don’t-push-it look.
Caro falls silent. We sit there, both lost in our own thoughts, until she turns to me, her voice anxious, almost wavering. ‘Kate, is it true you took all those pills?’
I close my eyes. The scar on my face itches and burns, and I have to resist the urge to scratch it. All the familiar old pains reasserting themselves now the chemicals are clearing from my bloodstream.
‘Kate?’ Caro asks again.
I open my eyes and endure her scrutiny. ‘What has Sandrine said?’
‘That you’ve been abusing station medication. That you have a drug problem. Is it true?’
‘Pretty much,’ I admit. ‘The car accident left me with some bad injuries. I was put on strong meds for several weeks afterwards. It started off being about the physical pain and then … well, it became something else.’
Caro regards me steadily, not even blinking.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I’ve let you down. I’ve let all of you down – Sandrine, everyone. You’re right to be angry with me.’
Caro inhales. Looks over at the window for a moment, then turns back to me. ‘You haven’t let me down. Or any of us. It happens to lots of people.’
She lets her eyes linger on my scar, something she’s previously been careful not to do. ‘You did your best, Kate, and life dealt you a shitty hand.’ Caro reaches across and gives my fingers a squeeze. ‘You’ve got to stop now though – you know that, don’t you? That stuff will kill you otherwise.’
I nod.
She hauls herself to her feet, grimacing a little as she stands. ‘Promise me you won’t let that happen, okay? That you’ll stop taking those pills. I need you, Kate. I can’t get through this without you.’
I gaze back at her and say the words, praying that this time I really mean them.
‘I promise.’
‘Promise me, too, that you’ll tell me when you find out who did this to Alex?’
I nod again, touched by her faith in me. Caro believes I can sort this out. I can’t bring the man she loves back from the dead, but I can make sure the truth comes to light.
But how on earth will I manage that now, confined to this room?
I’ve no doubt Sandrine meant every word she said. Were I to step outside without her permission, even go to the bathroom unaccompanied, she’ll have me locked up.
34
6 July
I’m trapped, suffocating.
Panic floods my mind and body. At the edge of consciousness, the ticking sound of a cooling engine. Somewhere, beyond, the high-pitched bark of a fox.
You have to get out, urges a voice in my head. You have to get out now.
But I can’t breathe. I try to scream, but there’s something covering my mouth. I thrash, blindly, hands clawing at the air in panic, trying to escape.
‘Kate!’ someone hisses in my ear. ‘Kate, wake up!’
I open my eyes, see a figure kneeling by my bed, silhouetted against my night light.
‘It’s me,’ Arne whispers, removing his hand from my mouth. ‘I’m sorry, you were shouting in your sleep. I was afraid you’d wake the whole station.’
I blink at him, at once terrified and relieved. I’m okay, I try to reassure myself. I’m here, now, not back there in that overturned car.
Waiting to die.
‘What are you doing here?’ I croak, my throat dry.
‘I had to see if you were okay.’
I pull myself into a sitting position, only to be assaulted by a powerful wave of nausea. I feel awful, almost feverish, like a bad dose of flu, only that’s impossible in the closed environment of the base. Merely another fresh hell of withdrawal.
‘I heard what happened with Sandrine.’ Arne keeps his voice low. ‘I told her it’s a breach of her authority to do this.’
‘Thanks.’ I close my eyes briefly, trying to ride out the queasiness – it’s like altitude sickness all over again. My injured knee aches too, nearly as badly as in the weeks following the accident.
Arne squints at me, concerned. ‘You all right?’
I nod.
‘What happened, Kate? What set Sandrine off like that? She said you stole a locker key and were snooping through her filing cabinet, that you’ve taken a load of drugs. She’s claiming you’re a danger to everyone here. Why would she think that?’
I prop a pillow up and lean back on it, wondering how to play this. ‘I told her about the missing pills, what I thought happened t
o Alex.’
‘What did she do?’
‘She called me a drug addict. As well as a thief.’
‘Shit.’ Arne raises his eyebrows. ‘She really went off the deep end then.’
‘You could say that.’
‘So is any of it true? About you having an addiction?’
I gaze at him, wondering what I’ll say next. Trying to work out the implications. ‘Most of it.’
‘Those pills I found you with …’ Arne lets the sentence trail off.
‘No, I didn’t touch those. I was checking what was missing. But I have been taking others. A few at a time, when my own disappeared.’
‘Disappeared?’
‘Someone took them from my room. A couple of months ago.’
‘Okay.’ I watch Arne digest this. ‘I’m sorry, Kate. Really. It must be very hard.’ He doesn’t ask anything else, I notice – and I’m grateful for that.
‘But I showed Sandrine something I found just after I left you.’ I say the words then pause, a tightness in my chest. Why am I doing this? Why take the risk?
Because I have to know. Because I need to see Arne’s reaction.
‘What was it?’ he asks.
‘Alex’s activity monitor. Or rather, what was left of it.’
He frowns again. ‘His activity monitor? Where did you find that?’
I pause, then force myself to say it. ‘In your garage workshop.’
A long silence as he absorbs the impact of my words. I study his expression. He looks genuinely stunned, even confused.
‘You’re kidding,’ he says eventually.
‘It was under one of the storage shelves, not far from where you were working. It’s been totally crushed.’ I keep my eyes fixed on his face, see a deepening flush.
Arne looks away. Neither of us speaks for several minutes.
‘You think it was me, don’t you?’ he murmurs, breaking the silence.
I say nothing, simply wait to see what will happen next.
Arne gets to his feet, hands clenching with some inner turmoil. Then suddenly he drops back onto his knees again and grabs my shoulders. ‘Kate, you have to believe me.’ He peers into my eyes. ‘I promise you, I had nothing to do with what happened to Alex or Jean-Luc.’
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