by B. M. Hardin
I wasn’t in the mood to argue with him.
Today was not the day for his constant complaining, and I would love it, with all of my heart, if he would just shut up.
I got out of the bed and headed to the kitchen with Joel right behind me on my heels.
Little did he know that if he just held out a little bit longer, he just might get his wish.
After Blake, I was taking a break.
I was taking a break from being a psychologist, patients, and other people’s problems.
I didn’t know how long.
But I was going to take some time off to get my mind together.
I couldn’t believe that I was feeling this way.
Months ago, I lived for the hour long sessions with each patient. I craved to help them. I yearned to heal him.
But Blake had changed that.
Blake had ruined my passion and my dreams.
At least for the moment.
I no longer cared about being the best; I just wanted to fix Blake and get him out of my life.
Joel coughed, and I left my thoughts where they were and looked at him.
He was feeling better, but I noticed that he was about to make a shake.
He pulled out some kind of whey mix from the top cabinet and put it in the blender.
“Where did you get that from?”
“Oh, one day after work, I think you were working late, or something, Blake and I went to the gym. They had this on sale for a really good price. It gives you a little extra fiber and protein. I haven’t had one in a while. Since I wasn’t feeling well. After you are gone in the mornings, I usually make one of them on my way to work.”
Hmmm…
He poured some into the blender, started it and then sat the open container on the counter.
Blake might have put something into the mix when Joel wasn’t looking.
I didn’t put anything past Blake.
I walked by the powder and knocked it over.
“Oops.”
Joel fussed but bent down to pick it up and once he did, I knocked the mixture that was in the blender over too.
“Sorry. I’m a little clumsy today,” I said and walked away.
No more poison shakes for you, mister.
Just in case.
******************************************
Chapter FIVE
“So, I’ve been thinking about this baby thing,” I smiled as Joel walked in the door.
I wasn’t feeling all that well, and I definitely hadn't felt like going to work, which had never happened to me before.
I used to go rain, sleet, storm or blizzard because I didn’t want to let anyone down.
I hadn't taken a sick day, or a day off in so long that I had no idea what to do with myself, but I knew that I just didn’t want to go into the office.
I just wanted to stay home.
So I rescheduled all of my appointments for the day, and I stayed home in my pajamas.
“I quit my job today Hannah.”
Hallelujah!
He needed to be as far away from that psychopath as possible.
“Why?”
“To be honest, I felt like I didn’t belong there. I just took it because I was tired of looking for work. But while I was out sick, I had a chance to go over my email, and there were a few jobs that had emailed me about open positions. Some of them I didn’t even remember applying for, but I’d done so many applications, that it was hard for me to remember.”
Nope.
It was probably some of the ones that I’d done for him.
I wanted him away from Blake, and though I couldn’t tell him the truth, I thought that I needed to be proactive, so I started filling out applications for open positions on his behalf.
It was only to try to make sure that he was safe.
And now he would be.
“Well, after contacting a few of them, there was one of them that was interested in me heading up a new department. It’s more money, and I will be my own boss. I did an interview on my lunch break today and got the job, so I quit,” Joel said, as he walked away.
I smiled.
Yes!
I felt so much better knowing that he wouldn’t be around Blake anymore.
I followed Joel to the bedroom so that I could repeat myself.
“In a few months, I really want to start looking into the baby stuff. Maybe the little boy that you showed me is still there. Maybe we can still think about adopting him.”
“Oh.”
“Just oh?”
“Well, we can wait a little longer. You were right. Not right now. He’s probably gone anyway, and it was probably best that we didn’t get him,” he said.
“Why? I’m confused. You don’t want a baby anymore?”
“No. Not really.”
“But you were so ready to start a family.”
“I know. But we should wait.”
He undressed to shower, and since it had been a while, I figured that I could try to come on to him.
But he quickly turned me down and said that he just wanted to take a shower in peace to clear his head.
He suggested that maybe we could fool around later on that evening.
Something wasn’t right.
I didn’t want to dwell on whatever it was that was going on with Joel, so I decided to go figure out what I was going to be cooking for dinner later.
Since I was always working, I hadn't cooked dinner for him in a very long time.
I used to make sure that I got home early every day so that he would always have a home cooked meal.
But over the years, I got busy and I no longer made cooking for my husband a priority.
And he loved my cooking too.
I guess I had neglected my wifely duties for a while, but for some reason, something inside of me was telling me that it was time to go back to the basics.
More love.
Less work.
And after Blake, that’s what I planned to do.
Treating him, talking to him, was doing something to me on the inside.
I couldn’t explain it.
Blake was the only patient that I’d ever had that made me realize that I was lucky to have and to know love.
And maybe it was time that I showed my appreciation.
I was missing a few things that I was going to need for dinner, so I told Joel that I was taking a trip to the grocery store.
I decided to take the long way, just to be able to ride in peace and clear my head as well.
I wondered which one of my colleagues would be the best fit for me to vent to when all of this was over.
Though I wasn’t going to take any patients afterward, I was definitely going to become one.
I had so much on my mind that some days I wasn’t sure whether I was coming or going.
My zeal for helping others solve their problems was gone.
My confidence in myself and my belief in my practices had been shaken.
I felt as though I was living in someone else’s body and I didn’t like it one bit.
I didn’t like it at all.
Riding by my job I noticed that Blake’s car was there, and I could see that he wasn’t sitting inside of it.
We weren’t scheduled for an appointment until the next day, nor had Summer called to tell me that he’d come by.
She knew to call me if there was a patient emergency, but for some reason, she had been failing to do her job lately.
Or maybe she had been trying to do mine.
She had gotten a late start on her higher education, due to getting into trouble in her younger years.
She was actually around my age, but she’d said that college hadn't been an option for her until she was old enough to put herself through school.
And she had done just that.
She was almost finished, but she was still going to evening classes to finish up to becoming licensed to practice.
But she was so eager to get started.
<
br /> I hired her because she was so enthusiastic to learn and I figured that once she was done with her schooling, maybe she could be an asset to the company.
But something told me that she might have been trying to do a job that she wasn’t ready for.
It wouldn’t be the first time that she’d tried to give her two cents.
Before getting out at the store, I called her, just to see if Blake had left some kind of message for me.
“Hey Hannah, I was just about to head out for the day. Everything went just fine today. I hope you feel better to come in tomorrow.”
“Do I have any messages?”
“A few but none of them are from any of your current patients. A few new patient requests and some miscellaneous ones as well. But nothing important that couldn’t wait for you to get them tomorrow.”
“Oh. And none of them came by for anything urgent or anything did they?”
“Nope. I would have called you if they had.”
We said our goodbyes and I sat to think.
Then why was Blake there?
Was she hiding something?
I was sure that it had been Blake’s car because I’d memorized his license plate.
It was just in case.
So why was she lying to me?
Maybe it was a personal visit.
Was he trying to pursue Summer?
Though Summer and I were well acquainted, she and China hadn't been all that close.
They only dealt with each other when I was involved.
Summer had actually been pretty fond of China. She was always friendly with her, and she thought that she was a ball of fun to be around on the few occasions that we were all in the same setting.
But it was China that had held back.
She’d always said that she got a bad vibe around Summer and that she didn’t want to be her friend.
So I never really tried to force it.
Summer knew that she too fell under the umbrella of not dating the patients.
I sure hoped she wasn’t trying to start anything with Blake inappropriately; her safety just might depend on it.
I headed inside of the store.
I found everything that I needed in a hurry.
Leaving in less than thirty minutes, I drove by the job on my way home, just to see if they were still there, but they were gone.
Both of them were gone.
“Kiss me,” I whined to Joel once we were in bed.
Joel kissed me, but it was the kind of kiss that you gave to your grandma.
I could tell that he didn’t want to, and it was obvious.
“Make love to me,” I said to him.
He looked at me.
He didn’t move.
He didn’t say anything.
He just looked.
“Wow.”
I rolled over and turned my back to him.
“Hannah?”
“Don’t bother.”
“It’s not you. I just think I’m having some kind of mid-life crisis or something. One minute I’m happy. The next minute I’m sad. One minute I think we’re ready for kids. The next minute we’re not. I really haven’t been feeling like myself. I thought that not having a job for a while was the biggest problem. But maybe it’s something more; something internal. It’s not you. It’s me.”
I figured that I might as well ask.
“Is there someone else?”
“Of course not.”
“Are you falling out of love with me? Is it my job?”
“No. No, I’m not falling out of you. But yes. I hate your job,” he admitted with a chuckle.
Joel scooted closer to me and placed his arms around me.
“I love you,” is all that he said and he held me until we both fell asleep.
The next morning when I woke up, he was already up, dressed and preparing to leave.
I didn’t bother to ask questions or complain since he’d also cleaned up, fixed breakfast and ironed my clothes for the day.
Maybe he had trouble sleeping.
I, on the other hand, I was well rested, and I was ready to get to work to see what Blake had in store for me today.
Walking in, I looked suspiciously at Summer, but she seemed normal.
She smiled, greeted me, and handed me a handful of mail and post-its from the day before.
I didn’t mention anything about Blake to her.
Obviously, she hadn’t mentioned that he’d come by for a reason so there was no point.
But what she didn’t know was that on her week of vacation we’d had surveillance installed, and I had the transcripts of all of her emails and call logs.
None of the assistants actually knew about this.
We wanted to be able to monitor things inside of our individual offices as well as outside of the building and when no one was there.
Summer knew that we had hired a security guard to patrol three times a week in the evenings, but that was about it.
I sat at my desk and logged in so that I could watch the footage.
I couldn’t hear them, but I could see them.
Blake and Summer chatted for a while.
They didn’t do anything inappropriate.
He just stood there, and they appeared to be having a conversation.
She answered the phone a few times, and he would just stand there so he must have still been there when I called.
He stayed until she got her purse and they walked out together.
What were they up to?
I had a folder with the other information in it, but I didn’t have time to go through it.
I had to get to work.
I saw my two patients and then I waited for Summer to tell me that Blake had arrived but she never did.
He didn’t show up or even call to cancel.
After trying to reach him, twice, I finished my notes, grabbed a few of my folders, including the one on Summer, and then I headed out for the rest of the day.
My cell started to ring as soon as I was in the car.
It was a number that I didn’t recognize.
“Meet me at the park.”
I didn’t know the number, but I surely knew the voice.
Blake.
Or whatever his real name was.
What was he up to now?
Without responding, I drove in the direction of the park that I assumed that he was referring to.
It was the nicest one in the city, and he’d mentioned once before about feeding the ducks when he was feeling stressed.
And he was the last person on Earth that needed to feel any kind of stress.
Someone might come up missing.
Or dead.
Immediately I spotted him.
He was casually dressed.
A lot more comfortable than I was used to seeing him, but he still looked just as captivating.
“I guess you didn’t want to come to the office today.”
“I needed the fresh air,” he said and threw bread crumbs to the ducks.
I could tell that he was in a bad mood.
I could tell that he was going to spill his guts to me like never before.
I looked around the park.
It was slammed packed with mothers and children, with a few fathers thrown into the mix, but I assumed that most of them were probably working.
I smiled as I thought more about my suggestion to Joel.
Maybe it was time to get this whole baby show on the road.
But since he’d changed his mind, I had to convince him that he was right from the start.
But I couldn’t do that until Blake was out of the picture.
The weather was perfect, and hopefully, a change of scenery would help me out a little.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m not sure.”
The children running and laughing stole his attention for only a moment, and then he walked towards me and sat on a bench.
I sat beside him.
“I
never bothered to have a family. I never bothered to try to meet a woman. One that I could love, get married to and have a child with. Not once have I ever really wanted to have a family of my own.”
“Why?”
“I’d never had a real one, so why should I create one?”
“Most people want someone to come home to at night. Someone to love them and keep them balanced. Love can be beautiful if you let it. I’m sure with your current position, status and even with your appearance that women find you attractive, intriguing and maybe even a little interesting; it wouldn’t be hard for you to find someone to love. Who knows, it may help you more than you think. Would it be so hard to give it a try?”
“It’s just no point Hannah. Love is a lie.”
“So you were being completely honest when you said that you’ve never been in love?”
“Yes. I have never ever been in love.”
“So, this woman, your next victim, you don’t love her?”
I was trying to figure out if there was some kind of romantic involvement or obsession.
“No.”
“You hate her?”
He didn’t answer the question.
“Hannah, love does more damage than good. People get married just to lie, cheat, and hurt the people that they say that they love and care about the most.”
“Not all people.”
“Most.”
“It depends on the person Blake.”
“So you’ve never lied to or cheated on Joel?”
“No. Never.”
“And do you think that he’s ever lied or cheated on you?”
“I would like to think that he hasn’t.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you think that he hasn’t?”
“Because I love and trust my husband.”
“People and papers lie.”
What?
Was he trying to tell me something?
“What does that mean Blake?”
“I thought that by now you would have learned to listen with your mind, and not just with your ears.”
He was definitely telling me something that I didn’t want to hear.
Was Joel having an affair?
If so with who?
When?
And how would Blake know?
“How do you know this? He told you? Did you see it?”
“I actually like the color blue too. It’s not my favorite color like it is yours, but it is a beautiful color. I especially like clear, blue water. I remember taking a trip to Hawaii, the first year at the job. I wanted to do things that normal, successful people do, like take vacations. So that’s what I did. I actually enjoyed it. It was my first vacation and probably my last. Growing up I’d never been anywhere; just for fun. I’d never seen anything. No one had bothered to show me the world. For two years my room was actually in a basement. The only time that I came upstairs with the Joneses was when it was time for a visit from the Department of Social Services. I mean, there was everything in the basement that I needed; a bed, a TV. I even had my own bathroom. But I just wasn’t really a part of the family. I was just there. No family activities, I always ate dinner alone. They drove their kids to school but made me stand at the bus stop for the school bus; even when the weather was cold or bad. But they were the only family that didn’t physically or sexually abuse me so I wanted to stay there. I was still alone, but I wanted to stay with them. I wanted to say there because at least there I was safe. But eventually they ended up divorcing and just like that, I was back in the system again. Why is blue your favorite color?”