“You’re a Healer, right man?” the dude continued. “That means you can totally resurrect us, right?”
I looked at my list of spells. Honestly I’d only been worried about the Psionics and the healing stuff I could use to keep myself alive. A resurrection spell wasn’t something I cared about all that much since I couldn’t use it on myself after I’d kicked the bucket.
Only when I looked at my action bar sure enough there was a rez right there, happy as could be. Waiting for the opportunity to use it on anyone who’d met an untimely end.
Like, say, a couple of pricks who’d gloated about doing an end run around us and told me how much I sucked.
Which brought to mind a bit of delicious revenge I could have on these assholes while making them eat their words.
“What’s going on?” Keli asked.
“These assholes are asking me to resurrect them,” I said.
“Why would you not offer them this boon?” Sefia asked.
“Because they treated us like shit. That’s why,” Keli said. “If someone is going to act like an asshole then they don’t deserve help.”
“Hey man,” the dude said. “Seriously. Don’t listen to your bitch there. She’s nice to look at and everything, but we all know girls don’t really know how to play. Just resurrect us and it’ll all be better for you, I promise.”
My frown only deepened. If there was one thing that irritated me more than almost anything else in a game, it was the kind of basement dwelling neckbeard who thought girls couldn’t be any good at playing games. Usually they were espousing those opinions in between wondering why the fairer sex wouldn’t have anything to do with them.
Of course these pricks wouldn’t be basement dwellers. Not exactly. No, if they were rich enough to be in this game then they were rich enough that they probably lived in some fancy spot somewhere in one of the elevators positioned at the four points around the world.
Not that it mattered. In my experience the basement dwelling neckbeard was more of a state of mind than it was an actual literal thing these days, and these pricks were the walking embodiment of it. Except that they weren’t really walking or doing much of anything right now what with the way they’d had their asses handed to them.
I couldn’t believe they were trying to low key threaten me when they’d just had their asses handed to them.
“What are they saying?” Keli asked.
“They’re telling me I should be a man and ignore what my bitches are saying. Resurrect them. Probably so they can gank us when they get the chance,” I said.
Keli’s own frown deepened. Then she walked over to the dudes and did something that really surprised me. She stood over one of them and then started doing squats. It took me a moment to realize that she was taking an age old gaming insult and translating it as best she could to a game that had far more realism to it than any other game ever created.
“What is your friend doing?” Sefia asked, sounding more bemused than anything.
“I think she’s teabagging the dude,” I said. “Even though she doesn’t have a teabag, but whatever.”
“Teabagging?” Sefia asked, confusion masking her face.
“It’s a gamer thing,” I said. “Um. She’s making a gesture that is considered a profound insult among our people.”
“That is considered a profound insult?” Sefia asked, arching an eyebrow and smiling ever so slightly as she turned to me. “Because as far as I’m aware most men enjoy it when a woman does something like that to them.”
I licked my lips. My mouth suddenly felt very dry. The way she looked at me promised things, and I found myself wondering if we could maybe try enjoying something like that. Later. When we weren’t in the middle of a dungeon where there were assholes threatening to gank us if they could reach us from the top and a malevolent power deep inside that dungeon waiting for us to show up so it could kill us real good.
After all, we’d been so rudely interrupted earlier by that stupid half giant losing enough of its HP that we had to move in for the kill. I’d really like to finish what we’d started there, but being stuck in a crystal cave surrounded by the consciousness of a scary monster that could decide to kill us at any moment didn’t seem like the best place to do something like that.
“Right,” I said. “I think we should get a move on. Keli?”
She stopped in the middle of teabagging the asshole, then blushed.
“Sorry,” she said. “I just hate it when guys act like that. Like girls haven’t been playing games for decades. Seriously, you’d think some of these assholes were raised in the ‘90s or the ‘00s or something.”
“Some of them might’ve been,” I said with a shrug. “Hard to tell how old someone is in this game.”
“Hey dude!” the guy said. “That was hot having your bitch facesit me, but seriously. We need that resurrection! You’re gonna regret it if you don’t!”
“What now?” Keli asked, seeming to understand from my distant look and the way I cocked my head to the side that I was getting another private message from one of these assholes.
“They’re talking about how hot it was having you facesit them, and threatening me if I don’t resurrect them.”
If anything Keli’s blush only deepened when she realized those pricks were getting a little something out of what was supposed to be an insult almost as old as gaming itself.
“I almost want you to resurrect them so I can kill them again,” Keli growled.
“Yeah, but we don’t have time for that,” I said.
I also didn’t mention that I wasn’t even sure if we could take them out in our current state. These guys were higher level than us, after all, and might be able to cause some trouble if they were alive.
I walked over to their corpses. Looked down at the thing. It was a pity they hadn’t released so I could steal some of their shit, something that was totally possible in this game if a lot of the bitching on the forums was to be believed, but oh well. You couldn’t have it all.
“Sorry boys,” I said, thinking back to that delicious opportunity to turn their assholeishness against them. “But you guys said it yourself. I’m but a Healer, and Healers suck. I wouldn’t dream of sullying you mighty warriors with any of my spells.”
And with that I stood and made my way to the exit. Which, of course, was a tunnel that went down to whatever creature awaited us in the depths.
“Fuck you asshole!” one of the guys shouted in my head, but I thought about muting him and his voice went away.
I grinned. That had been a hell of a lot of fun.
10
Delving Deeper
Less fun than telling those assholes off? Moving deeper into the dungeon. I got the feeling we weren’t in Kansas anymore as we rounded the spiral.
I looked up. Everything was distorted just a little, but I could totally see the room we’d just vacated with the crystal half giant and the two assholes who looked like they’d finally released.
At least there weren’t two dark spots where they’d been. I briefly considered running back up and stealing their stuff, but decided it probably wasn’t worth it. Running back to get their shit would only give them more time to get back down to where they could possibly confront us.
“So how deep does this thing go, even?” I asked.
Only I was interrupted by something amazing and terrifying. A powerful surge of energy moved through the crystal all around us, and once more I felt that powerful presence. The kind of presence that was almost enough to bring me to my knees. The kind of presence that had me wanting to puke up my guts.
Though of course I hadn’t actually eaten anything in the game, so it’s not like there was anything in my virtual stomach to hork up in the first place.
“What’s wrong?” Sefia asked, suddenly down beside me and looking at me with serious concern.
I looked around. Blinked a couple of times. Realized that pulse must’ve fucked me up way more than I’d thought, considering I was
down on my knees holding my head.
“Sorry about that,” I said. “I guess that weird pulse got the best of me.”
“The creature lurking in the depths isn’t happy that we’re here,” Sefia said, looking off in the distance. “It has used all of its abilities to try and stop us from finding it, and now it is lashing out in desperation.”
“Fucking great,” I muttered. “A dungeon boss who’s taking our dungeon run personally. Just what I need.”
“You travelers speak in the strangest terms,” Sefia said.
“Thanks,” I said. “There’s nothing for it but to keep moving though. There’s something down there, and we haven’t come this far just to turn around.”
Not to mention I got the feeling that if we did turn around we were going to be in a world of hurt. I’m talking the kind of world of hurt that involved a dungeon respawning all kinds of nastiness behind us. Not to mention there were at least two characters out there who had it out for us and probably wouldn’t be above doing a little ganking if they happened across us again.
“Are you sure?” Sefia said. “Whatever is down there is going to be more powerful than anything we’ve faced so far, and we’ve only made it this far through sheer luck.”
I hated how much of a point she had, damn it.
“I figure we either die at the bottom and go back to the top, or we go back to the top and die on our way. Either way it’s not going to be a very good time for all involved.”
“Um, quick question for you then,” Sefia said. “You’re sure you’re going to reincarnate when you die at the bottom, but what’s going to happen to me?”
That brought me up short. I looked at her, then to Keli. She shrugged. She might have an encyclopedic knowledge of how things worked in this game, but she also didn’t seem to know what would happen to NPCs when they were killed.
“Huh,” I said, scratching the back of my head. “That’s actually a pretty good question.”
“I was afraid you were going to say something like that,” Sefia said. “So what you’re saying is you have no idea what’s going to happen to me if we end up getting killed down there.”
I felt like a piece of shit for not thinking this through properly. I hadn’t ever stopped to consider what it might mean for the poor NPC who was coming along for the ride if our group wiped. I was so used to playing games like this with humans riding around in their avatars and Sefia had seemed so real that it never occurred to me.
“I mean, I’m sure we could figure something out,” I said. “If something happened then we could resurrect you or something? Can NPCs be resurrected?”
“What is that word you’re talking about?” she asked.
“It means you’re someone who lives in this world,” I said. “But honestly I’m not sure what we’re going to do about this. You might need to hang back for a little bit while we do our thing down there.”
“Why would I do anything of the sort?” she huffed. “You brought me along and I came along knowing what the risks were. It would simply be nice if you would think about what some of those risks were before you so cavalierly went about trying to throw away my life.”
Every word hit me like a punch to the gut. Of course she was absolutely correct. We should’ve given more thought to what would happen to her when she came into this dungeon. I guess I hadn’t stopped to think about the full implications of what it meant to have an NPC in my party as we went on a dungeon crawl.
“I mean, I’m sorry?” I said. “But seriously. If we’re going down there to have a look at whatever thing is lurking in the depths it’d be a good idea for you to stay back just a little. At least until we’ve figured out whether or not that thing is truly dangerous.”
Sefia sniffed. “Of course the thing is dangerous. It’s an unholy abomination that is taking the life in this forest and twisting it into a mockery of what it should be. Anything like that is bound to be dangerous.”
“Well yeah,” I said. “I guess that sort of makes sense, but it doesn’t change the fact that you should probably stay back.”
“Fine,” she said. “But I don’t like it. And if it looks like the two of you are in trouble then I’m going to step in and help you. I don’t care what you have to say about it.”
“Fine,” I said. “I suppose we should get a move on in that case. The longer we wait here the more likely we are to run into those assholes from up above, and I don’t think they’re going to be happy to see us after everything else that’s happened.”
So we made our way down through the spiraling crystal that made it seem almost like we were suspended in the air. It was a weird feeling, made all the weirder by the odd sensation that as we moved down into the crystal mountain there was more light pulsing beneath us than above us.
“Um, are you ladies seeing that, or is it just me?” I asked.
“I’m seeing it,” Keli said, her face set in a thin frown. “And I can’t say that I like it.”
“Join the club,” I muttered.
If there was something down there pulsing with light that was every bit as bright as the sun shining down from above then I figured it meant there was something down there that was giving off a hell of a lot of power. Something giving off a hell of a lot of power like that could only be something magical, and if there was that much magic being tossed around then there was a good chance this dungeon was meant for a full raid, and not just for a jackass Psionics Healer who didn’t have much in the way of offensive capabilities and two women he’d conned into coming along with him.
I had the unsettling feeling that hitting the thing down there with magic from the crystals wasn’t going to work since that thing was probably the source of that magic in the first place. I didn’t know how I was channeling that magic, only that I was, and it wasn’t likely to work against the thing that was the source of that magic.
Finally we rounded a bend in the dungeon tunnel and stared at something that was beautiful. I mean sure the game was meant to look beautiful in a lot of different ways. There was a whole team of game designers and artists out there whose whole reason for existing was creating pretty stuff for the players to look at, but this went beyond any of that.
The thing hovering in the middle of a massive spherical room was breathtaking. A crystal sphere that glowed with a dull green glow, and in the middle of that dull green sphere was a figure that also seemed to glow with green magical energy that came off of it like smoke rising from a fire.
And boy was that body smokin’! Pardon the pun, but it was clear that the magical creature trapped inside that sphere was a lady, and it was clear that the lady in there was pretty fucking good looking.
Even if it was difficult to make out more than her form because, y’know, there was that weird effect that had her glowing green as she leaked magic and seemed to look almost like an old photo negative from the days when pictures were taken with physical film and not with digital imaging.
“What do you think that is?” Keli asked.
I wanted to answer her, but I figured the answer would be getting pretty close to smartass territory. I had a pretty good idea of exactly what that was. The game had been doing nothing but throwing ladies at me since this whole thing began. I glanced to Treanna who’d been uncustomarily silent through this run through the crystals.
“Let me guess. You can’t tell me anything about what’s going on here?”
“Something like that,” she said with her usual smile and wink. “I can tell you that your suspicions are getting pretty close to the truth, but that’s as far as I’ll go.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. Great. I had an AI assistant who still wasn’t going to be any help. It would seem that the only way I was going to get any information out of this thing was by going in there and seeing if my sneaking suspicion was correct.
“There’s nothing for it but to go in there and see what there is to see,” I said, taking a step into the room before Keli or Sefia could stop me.
The room
started rumbling, and the dull glow that’d surrounded the creature in the sphere turned to a blinding light.
Well fuck. I can’t say I was surprised to see something like that happen, but I also can’t say it was exactly a comforting thought to have my suspicions about where this was going confirmed.
It looked like it was time for a boss fight, and I got the feeling we were woefully underprepared.
11
Boss Fight?
“I’m really not sure this is such a good idea!” Keli said, stepping into the room behind me.
I wasn’t sure it was such a good idea either, but the time for such thoughts was kind of over the moment I stepped into the room. The time to decide it wasn’t a good idea would’ve been back before I stepped in here and irritated the potentially all powerful being.
“I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a good idea either, but it’s a little too late now!” I said.
“I could’ve told you this was all going to end in tears,” Sefia said, moving up next to me.
I turned to her and blinked.
“What the hell are you doing in here?” I shouted over the increasingly loud rumbling.
As though that rumbling wasn’t bad enough, suddenly giant shards of crystal broke off from the ceiling and came crashing down into the floor we were standing on. Not that there was much floor for us to stand on in the first place.
No, it was more like a ledge, and there wasn’t much of it. Having giant shards of crystal crashing down onto it and reducing some of that already precious real estate wasn’t helping matters either.
“You need to get back Sefia!” I shouted.
“Get back where?” she asked, slamming against something that looked decidedly solid behind her for all that the exit looked clear. Like there was a force field that’d popped up to keep her in the room.
Because of course there would be something like that in place. The devs wouldn’t want someone to do something silly like leave the room and run back through the mountain while they were already in the middle of a boss fight, right? It was lazy game design putting up an invisible wall, or maybe even a bug, but that invisible wall was there which meant we had to suck it up and deal with it.
Dungeon Dalliance Page 6