by Lyla Grace
Maybe. It sure as hell doesn’t have to be today, though.
One week has passed since I ended things with Landon. Since I have made the worst mistake of my life. And trust me, I have made a lot of damn mistakes. All of which I have been replaying in my mind as a reminder of why Landon is better off without me.
Unfortunately, Chase doesn’t want to hear any of my reasons. All he wants to know is how I could treat Landon like that. It’s a good question. “Because I am a heartless bitch,” I tell him. “Trash, remember?”
He just shook his head at me. He doesn’t say anything and walked out the door. And he hasn’t spoken to me since. I don’t blame him. If anything, I completely agree with him.
“I get that you’re hurting right now,” Becca says. “But you need to talk it through. You know I’m right.”
I wipe away the tears that have stained my face for the past week and go unlock the bedroom door. I don’t invite her in. I don’t have to. I can hear her grab the doorknob the moment the lock clicks.
She enters my room, my hiding place.
“You look like shit, Livie.”
“Thanks,” I reply as I flop back onto the bed.
“So you want to tell me exactly what happened?”
I don’t. But I also know that if I don’t tell her, she will never leave me alone to wallow in my own self-pity. So I tell her. I tell her every damn detail. About the lovemaking, the asking me to move in, the fight, the part where I tell him that he’s not what I want – every gory detail. The last part is her favorite. According to her it is the biggest bullshit lie that I have ever told in my life.
She would be right, it is.
As much as I hate that I hurt him, he had to have known this was coming. I warned him from the start. The actual reason doesn’t matter. It was inevitable that I would mess things up. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am not good enough for him. I become angry with him for making me consider possibilities.
“How the hell could he just spring that on me?” I yell. “He knows how I am. I haven’t even been able to tell him I love him yet. Why would he think I would agree to move in?”
“First of all, he was probably just caught up in the moment of what you two just shared. Not using a condom? That’s a pretty intimate thing,” Becca states. “And second, do you?”
“Do I what?” I ask her, my voice laced with irritation.
“Love him, you idiot. Do you love him?”
I drop my gaze to my hands, which are currently fiddling with the comforter. “No.”
“Look me in the eye and tell me that,” she challenges.
“Even if I do, Becca, it sure as hell doesn’t matter anymore. I threw it all away.” The endless barrage of tears I seem to have spill over again.
“He loves you, Livie; you can fix this.”
“It’s best for him if I don’t.”
Chapter 20
Landon
“Hey man, how you holding up?” Chase asks for about the millionth time this week.
I am so sick of him asking, because my answer is always the same. I’m fine. It’s a lie, but it’s all I am about to give him.
“Maybe you should try talking to her,” he suggests. He flicks to a different channel.
“You and I both know that nothing I can say or do is going to change her mind. She needs to figure it out on her own,” I reply, defeat evident in my voice.
“For what it’s worth, man, I’m sorry. I was afraid Ollie would pull some stupid shit like this. But after all this time, I really thought she had changed, that this was the real deal,” Chase says.
So had I. Foolishly, I thought that everything we shared meant something. The fact that she opened up to me about things that she had never told anyone else…apparently that didn’t mean what I thought it did. At least, that is what I have spent the last week trying to convince myself. Because, in my heart, I know she loves me. I know that this is what she wants. I also know that despite my best efforts, she still isn’t fully convinced that she deserves it.
Suddenly, there is a knock at my door. “You know, man,” Chase says as I get up to answer it. “I have the perfect way for you to get over Ollie.”
With my hand on the doorknob, I turn to him. “What the hell did you do, Chase?”
He looks all too pleased with himself, which means that whatever, or whoever, is on the other side of this door…it can’t be good. I yank open the door. I couldn’t have been more right.
“Hey handsome,” she says. Fuck. Ashlynn, of all people? Really, Chase?
“Can you give us just a minute?” I say to Ashlynn as I begin to close the door.
“You’re going to make me wait out here?” she asks. Okay, that looks like a total dick move; I realize this. But it meant so much to Livie that she was the only woman that had ever set foot in this place. I don’t want to ruin that. I mean, there is still hope, after all. There has to be.
“Yeah, sorry,” I state matter-of-factly. I close the door and turn to Chase. “What the hell were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that it was about time you got back on the horse. And Ashlynn is one damn fine--”
“Shut the fuck up.” I run my hand through my hair. I have so many feelings right now, the most prominent being that I want to kill Chase. “Grab your coat.”
“Why?” he asks, shocked.
“Because she isn’t coming in here, and I can’t just tell her to leave. So we’re going out. All of us.”
Chapter 21
Livie
“Yeah, what an asshole,” Becca sarcastically agrees.
Well, it’s becoming apparent that no matter how I try to explain this to her, she doesn’t quite find my side of the story to be the right side. Well, to hell with her then. I know what’s best for me. Then again…I did think Will was what was best for me. I also thought that closing myself off after ending things with Will was what was best for me. Neither of which panned out exactly like I had hoped--completely the opposite, actually. I swivel in my chair at the bar to face her.
“He knows how I am, Becca. He shouldn’t have just sprung it on me like that.”
Becca rolls her eyes. This is probably the fifth time we have had this conversation since I opened the bedroom door earlier this afternoon. If she wasn’t going to be supportive, she should have just stayed the hell out. And better yet, she shouldn’t have dragged me out of the damn room to this bar.
She keeps telling me how he just got swept up in the moment, how he was overcome with emotion and just blurted it out. I have to admit, it made me laugh, because her completely inaccurate description made him sound like a complete and utter chick. “He loves you, Liv. That doesn’t make him a chick. And for the record, I did happen to catch a glimpse of his package…definitely not a chick.”
I swat her arm. She sure is right, though. The man is definitely well endowed and ALL man. And he is sweet and kind. Gentle and rough. He is everything a woman could possibly want in a man. But what happens when he realizes I am not enough? What happens when he realizes he made a mistake? Any further progression of our relationship would speed up that discovery.
But I miss him so damn bad. And if I am honest with myself, Landon has seen the absolute worst I have to offer. Even at my worst he never rattled, never faltered. He was just there to hold me, to help me, to get me through the day. “What do you think I should do?”
She taps her finger on her chin as though she is actually giving my question some thought. Please, as if I don’t already know what her response is going to be. Which begs the question--why the hell did I ask her in the first place? This might be a question better suited for Madison. She would tell me I was right, to leave Landon in the dust. Then she would swoop in on him herself.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Liv. And, frankly, I know better than to try. So here is what I will say. Landon? He’s a keeper, in every sense of the word. And if I was the one he asked to move in with him? I would have my shit on his do
orstep in five minutes. But I’m not you. I haven’t been through what you have. That being said, maybe you should quit putting so much validity into what Sharon thinks of you and maybe put it into what Landon thinks. Either way, I think you should talk it out with him. You owe him that much.”
I owe him a hell of a lot more than that. I owe him explanations and apologies. I owe him my heart and my soul, because he so graciously gave me his. I take a very long sip of my drink before I set it on the counter.
“Brace yourself,” I tell Becca. “You’re right. I need to talk to him. I promised him I would try, and I need to do just that. Not just bolt when things get too…” I search for the right word.
“Perfect?” she supplies.
I shoot her a sarcastic look. “Scary,” I reply.
“Moving in with a hot guy who satisfies you in every position even the Kama Sutra hadn’t thought of….Oh, the horror!” she teases.
“But tonight? Tonight I just want to hang out with my best friend, drink and dance. I kind of think I owe her that, since I have been kind of neglectful lately.”
“Kind of,” she teases. “Girl, I can’t tell you the last time I saw you, except for you passing through the apartment for clothes or make-up.”
Her statement resounds with me, more than she knows. Landon was right. I was already living with him--my things weren’t, but I was. I shake my head and laugh with her. “I am going to go to the bathroom and then…we dance!”
When I walk into the restroom, there is a woman at the counter who looks vaguely familiar to me. I enter the stall and wrack my brain as to where I know her from. Had I seen her at POSH? She certainly is beautiful enough to be a model. Her phone rings, and I can hear her answer it. Whoever she is talking to, she sure has only one thing on her mind: the man that she is here with tonight. Apparently she is hoping to rekindle some love affair from the past. While I can’t tell the whole story, two things are apparent--she is head over heels in love with this guy and she wants him back, bad. I feel your pain, sister. I commiserate.
As I exit the stall, it dawns on me where I know her from. College. She was one of Chase and Landon’s friends. More accurately, she was Landon’s fuck buddy. Ashlynn. Oh hell, no. I find myself frozen in the restroom staring at her.
Shit, shit, shit.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
Apparently my little internal meltdown was obvious externally. I magically pull my shit together long enough to make my way to the sink and wash my hands. She is still staring at me like I am some sort of crazy woman—and, well, she wouldn’t be wrong.
It’s fight or flight time. I can either fight for what Landon and I have and put this bitch in her place. Or I can run, ignore what I just overheard, and move on. Let Landon have his happily ever after with Ashlynn.
“He doesn’t want you. You know that, right?” I ask her.
“Excuse me?” She drops her make-up brush on the counter and turns to me.
“Landon, he doesn’t want you. He never did. Not the way you want him, at least,” I explain.
“Oh? And just who the hell are you that you know so much about what Landon wants?” she asks.
“Livie Matthews,” I state as I extend my hand toward her.
She goes back to doing her make-up. “Oh, so you’re the one that I’ve helped him forget about this week?”
Her words cut through like a sharp knife. They hurt so bad that I can physically feel the pain that she just verbally inflicted on me.
“Honey, just because he’s fucking you…doesn’t mean he loves you,” I retort. I bolt out of the bathroom and scour the room on my way back to my seat at the bar.
“Liv, you okay?” Becca asks when I return. I shake my head no.
From our spot at the bar I have a clear view of them at a table in a corner. If I thought my heart was racing before, it feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest right now. There they are, cuddled in a corner booth looking chummy, laughing and smiling. And when I see his arm around her, I nearly collapse to the ground.
“What is it? What happened?” I nod in the direction of Landon’s table. I can’t take my eyes off of them. “Who is she?” Becca asks.
“His old fuck buddy,” I say as I slam a shot. The burn from the liquid does little to kill the jealousy and rage fueling inside of me. “And to top it off, she told me she wants him back.”
“Okay, but that doesn’t mean he wants her.”
“She referred to me as the girl she’s helped him forget about this week,” I shout, probably louder than I should. “Of course he wants her…he’s already having her.”
“Maybe we should go,” Becca says. She takes my hand to lead me out, but I yank it away. There is no way in hell I am leaving. “Liv, I don’t care what she said. We both know the truth--he’s crazy about you. Hell, he asked you to move in with him.” Maybe she’s sure it’s not, but I am positive it is. And there is no way in hell I am going to walk out of this bar without confronting him. “Come on, Liv, nothing good can come of this.”
I know she’s right. But right now, in my alcohol-induced, jealousy-filled rage, I don’t give a damn. Because what my eyes are looking at right now has every irrational part of me ignited. And after this past week of feeling nothing but pain and guilt while he apparently was feeling her…I will be damned if I just let that go.
So I approach Landon and Ashlynn’s table. To the left of me is Chase and what I can only assume is his bimbo of the night. Shock covers Landon’s face when I stand before the table. Becca is behind me, pleading with me to leave. And Chase is instantly on his feet, his hands on my arm. I break loose, and when I do, I unleash my tongue as well.
“Well, well, well. Isn’t this cozy,” I say.
“Don’t do this, Livie,” Landon warns. He still hasn’t moved from his seat, but his eyes are pleading with me.
“Don’t do what? I mean, I barely walked out of your condo five minutes ago and here you are doing her, of all people.”
“Like you said, you’re the one that left. That leaves you with no right to comment on what I do with my time or with whom I spend it,” Landon says.
“So how long did it take? Five minutes? An hour? How long until you picked up the phone and fucked me out of your system?”
“Livie, keep your voice down. You’re causing a scene,” Landon demands as his eyes dart around the room. I don’t care if people are watching; I don’t care what people think. I refuse to sit idly by and have him make a fool of me.
“I don’t care about causing a damn scene. I care about the fact that you supposedly loved me, and now you’re fucking her.”
Becca and Chase are both trying to calm me down, settle the situation, but I am hurt and in a blind rage. There is nothing they can say that’s going to make any difference right now.
Landon stands and grabs hold of my elbow. “We’re not doing this here. Let’s….”
I yank my arm from his grip. “Don’t you dare touch me. Not after you’ve had your hands all over her.”
“That’s it; let’s go.” He leads me into an empty hallway. He places his hand on my lower back. “I don’t know what the hell has gotten into you tonight, but--”
“Yeah, well, I know exactly what--or rather who--you’ve been getting yourself into.”
Landon shakes his head and rubs his hand over his face. “That’s not true.”
“Just go. Go enjoy your date with Ashlynn.”
“This isn’t a date,” he says. “This? This was Chase’s idea, not mine.”
“Oh, okay. So she’s just going to be your fuck buddy again. So what? She gets Monday, Wednesday, and Friday; I get Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Going to let your dick rest on Sundays, or will she get that one too?”
I expect to see his eyes filled with anger or contempt even guilt. But instead, all I see looking back at me is hurt. “Really, Livie? Is that what you think of me? I swear to you, nothing is going on between Ashlynn and me. I love you, Livie--only you.” He shakes
his head. “You’re the one who doesn’t love me. Remember? You don’t want me? Your words, not mine.” He then turns and goes back to her.
“Fuck you, Landon,” I yell at the top of my lungs. I storm back to the bar where Becca had retreated and slam a shot.
“That went well,” Becca states in a tone that is laced with “I told you so.”
“Let’s dance,” I say, but she refuses. And by the look on her face, she is livid with me right now. I am the victim here. Some friend. “Fine. I’ll dance by myself.”
Except that I don’t. Instead, I grab some guy next to me and dance with him, all the while my eyes focused on Landon. I writhe my body against this stranger, my hands all over him. Even from across the room, I can see the rage on Landon’s face. And his anger only infuriates me even more. Because he has her, and he has no right to judge me. So, to prove just that to him, I kiss my new dancing partner with everything I have in me. As angry as I am, my body can still sense him as he comes up behind me. His hulking six-foot-five presence has the guy I just kissed looking like a deer in headlights. He stumbles for words as he backs away from me.
“No, man, it’s cool,” he tells him before turning to me. “Enjoy. Because this--” He motions his hand between us. “Is done.” And with that, he walks away. Not another word, not a look back; he’s just gone. Fuck. I turn around to go find Becca, because quite frankly, I need to get out of here before I do anything else stupid. But instead, I bump directly into Ashlynn. Great. This is just what I need.
“Thanks for that. The way he was talking about you tonight, I didn’t think I had a chance in hell. Looks like I do now.”
“Get out of my way.” I push past her and meet up with Becca and her undeniable look of disapproval.
“Are you done self-destructing now?” Becca asks.
“Let’s go,” I say as I head out of the bar.
There’s a chance that he’s not home. There’s an even better chance that he is, and he’s just not answering because he knows it’s me. Well, that’s just too damn bad for him, because I’m not going away until I talk to him. After Becca helped calm me down and sober me up, I realized something. I gave Ashlynn exactly what she wanted: Landon, on a silver platter. She was goading me. Nothing happened between them; her comment as she walked out of the bar proved that.