by Tillie Cole
“The sculptor’s inspiration for his dark and highly emotional ‘Exsanguination’ piece is one born of man’s intense inner conflict with guilt. The subject’s fetal position is due to his inability to face his grief, his inner turmoil bringing him physically to his knees. Each carefully black painted dagger plunged into the cracked Carrara marble portrays the heavy burden of sin on a soul, the reparation of man’s deliberate violation of morality. The punishing daggers are irremovable and a permanent reminder to the subject that his crimes can never be forgotten or redeemed. Nor can he ever be saved. He bleeds his guilt in an eternal ever-flowing state of desolation.”
As I finished reading the last word, I dropped the board to the floor and slumped back against my newest sculpture, feeling like my chest had been ripped open, exposed for everyone to look inside.
How the fuck did she know to write the board that way? How to write what I was feeling this way? How the fuck did she know how to read my work and me perfectly? Like a goddamn fucking book.
Feeling like my lungs were being squeezed in a fist that I couldn’t friggin’ fight off, I pulled out my smokes and lit one up. Taking alternate long hits of my Marlboro and huge swigs of my whiskey, I looked up and stared at the young marble boy holding a gun, crying red painted bullets and a fucking uncontrollable rage swept through me.
With every drag of my smoke and every swallow of whiskey, I was pushed farther and farther to the edge. Images of Levi’s rejection tortured my mind. Aliyana’s damn disgusted face when she realized it was me, Axel Carillo, not her precious Elpidio, Molly’s hand shaking in pure fucking fear as she took mine in hers. And that cunt, Rome Prince’s stupid fucking scowl as he glared at me with nothing but hatred, acting like he was Austin’s blood, not me.
Fuck them.
FUCK THEM ALL!
Standing, I began to pace back and forth on the studio floor, gripping the glass neck of the whiskey bottle tighter in my hand, the ash from my nearly-done Marlboro falling on my chest.
My heart beat faster and faster keeping rhythm with the heavy metal of Pantera’s “Walk” now vibrating off the walls.
I was done. I was done with trying to prove to everyone that I’d changed. I was done with this art bullshit, with motherfucking Elpidio!
I didn’t know how to do 'normal'. Because I wasn’t fucking normal! Never had been. Having a drunk abusive cunt of a papa, a cripple as a mother, and forced to be the man of the house at ten years of age kinda fucks up a kid’s idea of ‘normal'.
Draining the rest of the whiskey, I threw my head back and screamed out my fury, launching the bottle against the wall, hearing it smash.
Spitting my finished smoke to the ground, I marched to the workstation and poured a packet of coke onto the top, reaching into my back pocket for my driving license. Taking the rectangular piece of plastic, I chopped the powder into lines, that sense of excitement swirling in my stomach just imagining the hit that would follow.
I’d never got addicted to this shit, too busy pushing it on the streets, but I’d sure as fuck take a line every now and then, when things got bad. I liked the buzz, the damn mind-numbing buzz the magic dust takes away.
And I needed that now more than ever.
“…You’ve been in prison! Shit, Elpi! What we’ve shared these past weeks… what we shared last night… and you’re fucking Axel Carillo!”
Aliyana’s words throbbed in my skull, her disappointment feeling like the worst kind of migraine. I lifted my head to try and shake off the damn pain, only for my gaze to settle on the image of that fucking sculpture.
Levi…
Levi who couldn’t look at me with anything other than fucking contempt… The memory of him shooting me down today cut me in half.
With the whiskey running thick in my blood and that motherfucking sculpture torturing my mind, something inside of me snapped.
Seeing my hammer lying on the workstation, I picked it up, feeling the cold metal in the palm of my hands and turned to the almost completed sculpture. Wanting nothing more than to have it gone from my sight… gone from my fucking life, I positioned myself behind it, raised my hammer and—
“ELPI!!!! NO!”
Freezing on hearing her voice cut through the loud music and my drunk ass mind, I snapped my head to the doorway, only to see Aliyana friggin’ Lucia staring at me, mouth open and her hands held out trying to stop my destruction of this pathetic sculpture.
At first sight of her stood there in that short pink dress, cowboy boots and her dark hair pulled back, my cock hardened to a painful level in my jeans. But then the more I stared, the more the fire built in my chest.
My hands began to violently shake. Dropping the hammer onto the ground, I whipped to face her, my arms rigid at my side.
“What the fuck do you want?” I snarled.
Everybody from my past expected me to be Axel Carillo? The dark fucked-up prick who only brought pain?
THIS was fucking Axel Carillo! I could BE Axel fucking Carillo!
Aliyana’s mouth dropped open at my question and her face drained of blood. I stepped one step closer, and she stepped one step back. My top lip curled in sick humor. I almost could smell her fear from all the way over here.
“What’s wrong, little girl? You scared?” I said in a low, graveled voice, my eyes narrowing. “You scared of me?”
Aliyana inhaled a terrified breath, her hand lifted to stroke the hair back from her face, and for one moment, at that simple action, I could tell she was really scared… and, for that one damn moment, my anger seemed to fucking fade to vapor.
Part of me really didn’t want this chick to fear me. But remembering that blond prick kissing her lips, and the fucking repulsion in her eyes on finding out her precious Elpidio was really the black sheep Carillo, had me right back to incensed.
I didn’t need none of them. I’d survived this long on my own. I could do it again. I could do it all on my fucking own.
Seeming to pluck up courage from somewhere, Aliyana walked forward, her face nervous. “Elpi, please…”
And that did it. Her breathy plea using that fucking false name ruined me. She knew who I really was, but she still couldn’t bring herself to say it.
Axel Carillo.
Axel. Carillo.
I’M AXEL FUCKING CARILLO!
Storming forward, I fought hard to loosen my constricting chest at how fucking good she looked. I wanted her gone. Fucking gone from my life and not torturing me by standing here in my studio… in my fucking personal space, after she’d done everything but spit in my face back at the game.
Pounding forward, Aliyana backed up, the heels of her cowboy boots clicking on the floor until her back hit the wall. Slamming my hands over her head, I caged her in, those huge doe eyes nearly destroying me.
“Why’re you here?” I demanded. Even to me my voice sounded lethal.
“Elpi… you’ve been drinking,” she said, clearly smelling my breath. But I froze, not because she’d figured I’d just inhaled a fifth of Jim Beam, but because she’d just called me that fucking name again!
“I’m not fucking ELPI!” I roared, Aliyana flinching below me. “My name’s AXEL. A-X-E-L! FUCKING AXEL CARILLO!”
Aliyana’s breath quickened as I roared. I expected her run. I wanted her to run in fear. Fear the fucked up Axel Carillo from the Heighters… just like every fucker else did.
But instead, as my livid eyes bored into hers, she lifted her trembling hand and nervously placed it on my chest, right over where my heart was fucking racing.
I was dumbstruck… I could deal with her fear, with her running scared... even with her screams, I was used to causing fear in people. But what I couldn’t handle, what I couldn’t fucking take was her affection at a moment like this… couldn’t take the damn understanding in her tearful dark eyes.
Swallowing hard, I hissed as her hot palm cut through the material of my shirt and a pink flush colored her perfect cheeks.
“Axel…” she whispered,
her accent clear and strong, “Axel Carillo…”
No… NO! NO! She couldn’t do this to me.
She couldn’t give me hope… I really couldn’t deal with motherfucking hope… anything but hope…
Staggering back as though I’d been burned, I drunkenly stumbled over the text boards on the floor. Aliyana followed me, her eyes never moving from mine. Unable to keep looking at her sad face, I turned, then froze… I had no-fucking-where else to go.
A hand pressed against my back, then I heard a short sharp inhale. Tensing at Aliyana’s gasp, I closed my eyes and braced for her to tell me that she was done. That she was leaving and never coming back. That she was gonna tell my brothers what I’d been doing. But that’s what I wanted, right? Her gone and outta my life? I asked myself, knowing that the truth to that answer was a huge fucking NO.
“Axel…” Aliyana said on a pained sigh, her hand leaving my skin. It felt like I’d lost all warmth as that hand was removed.
Turning slowly, I saw Aliyana at my workstation. Her attention was on the bottles of liquor lined up… but then my stomach dropped when I saw it wasn’t what’d caught her attention.
The lines of coke…
Standing stock still, I waited for her to look at me, and when she did, there was nothing but pained disappointment in her expression.
I’d never felt so much like Italian trash as I did at that moment. I looked exactly like the man she thought I was. A fucking junkie loser.
“Axel…” she whispered sadly, “what have you done?”
As I watched her eyes brimming with tears, I shook my head, and stumbled toward the other end of the studio near my bed. But as I tried to get some damn distance, the tight grip of her hand on my arm spun me around.
I was done.
Done with it all.
“What?” I shouted, ripping my arm free.
Aliyana swallowed back her apprehension and stepped toward me, her jasmine scent immediately filling my lungs.
“Have you taken it?” she asked me quietly, pointing at the lines of snow.
Flames ran in my veins and I bent down, to growl, “Why the fuck do you care? Why the fuck are you even here, Ally Prince? Just fuck off back to your preppy douche friends and your blond shit of a cheap lay. ‘Cause that seems to be your thing right? Fucking guy after guy? Wasn’t but last night I was all up in your wet cunt, then you let the Redskin’s QB get all up in that pussy not yet twelve hours later!”
It was quick, ‘bout as quick as a flash of light, but Aliyana’s face filled with uncontrollable anger and, before she’d even realized it, she slapped me hard across my face.
On instinct, my face fucking burning hot from the force of her hit, I reached out and grabbed her slim wrist, wrenching her chest to my chest.
“You gotta motherfucking death wish?” I hissed between gritted teeth.
Dark brown eyes flared, and Aliyana spat out, “Fuck you, Axel!”
My lips tensed. “Now I’m Axel? Now you’re fucking pissed, I’m Axel?” My breathing came hard, as did hers, her hard full tits scraping against my body. I lowered my mouth close to her face and snapped, “Get the fuck out.”
Throwing her arm away, I turned to walk toward my bed, my damn head spinning with too much whiskey, when Aliyana shouted, “I didn’t fuck Reece, you unfeeling bastard!”
My feet ground to halt but I didn’t face her.
Unfeeling bastard…? That was a fucking joke. I’d give anything not to feel for just a damn minute.
“You complete fucking asshole! I came here to see you! I had to see you! Even knowing you’re Axel fucking Carillo, a man I know I should stay the hell away from…” she breathed fast, but my heart was sprinting faster waiting for whatever else she had to say, “I just…” I heard her step closer, then felt her warm breath on my back filter through my shirt, shivers running down my spine, “I just couldn’t… Christ, Axel, I just couldn’t stay away…”
It was then that I realized I hadn’t really breathed since I’d left that game, since we’d argued in that bathroom. But hearing her whisper those words had my shoulders sagging. I turned slowly to face her.
As our eyes met, I could see she was just as revved up as me, some damn insane poison running through our bodies keeping us close. Aliyana’s gaze pierced mine and she added, in a defeated voice, “How the hell could I ever want anyone else now I’ve had you?”
The air seemed to go completely still around us, the pulse pounding in my neck making me feel so fucking alive. Feeling a bolt of lightning burning through my body, we both lurched forward at the same time, our mouths instantly fusing together as her hands started attacking me, ripping off my clothes.
Briefly breaking our kiss, Aliyana dragged my shirt over my head, my beanie going with it. Unable to taste her on my tongue, I wrapped my hand in her hair and pulled her mouth to mine, my tongue pushing inside. I groaned at her hot wet tongue furiously brushing past mine as her nails raked at my bare skin.
Lifting my hands, I ripped apart Aliyana’s shirt, the buttons flying to the floor, her bra following a second later. As I moved to pull off the rest of her dress gathered at her waist, Aliyana pushed on my shoulders, my mouth breaking from hers as I fell to the bed, my ass hitting the mattress with a dull thud.
I almost came seeing her standing above me, brown eyes bright, her hair messy and falling over her shoulder. And those fucking perfect tits bare, with what remained of her dress hanging limply around her waist, just undid me.
Her cowboy boots were rooted to the ground, her legs slightly apart. Her lips rubbed together as she drank me in, her dimples looking so damn big on her pink cheeks.
On a groan, Aliyana leapt forward, climbing on my lap, her hands instantly ripping down my zipper and freeing my hard cock.
Christ… I grunted as her hot palm began stroking my dick up and down. Aliyana’s mouth slammed to mine. It wasn’t soft or gentle; no, she was fucking my mouth with her tongue. Just as her hips lifted, she pulled her panties aside, and putting my cock at her wet slit, she slammed down hard, taking me into her tight pussy in one quick move.
“Fuck!” I shouted, lifting her dress to slap my hands against her firm ass. Moaning loudly at my touch, Aliyana hammered down on my cock, rolling her hips so that I almost came in seconds.
This chick was fucking me. She was fucking me hard… she was owning me… she was fucking me as Axel Carillo…
With that realization seeping into my drunken mind, I used my hands on her ass to sink her down further onto my cock. Her teeth bit my bottom lip as her breathing became erratic, and her hands pulled at my messy hair, almost to the point of pain. But I liked this. Shit… I fucking loved this, her, this damn wild writhing on my lap.
Throwing her head back, her eyes closed as she moaned and cried out from the feel of us together. Leaning forward, I took a red hard nipple in my mouth and sucked. When my teeth scraped against her flesh, Aliyana pushed my head further into her tits as her pussy began to squeeze my dick.
Pulling my head back, I watched her face flush so damn sexy as she came, nails digging into my shoulders. I knew she’d drawn blood, but I didn’t care. Feeling my balls tighten, I gripped her ass tighter as her mouth sagged, her eyes crashed to mine and she screamed, “Axel!”, as she came.
Her pussy felt like a vise as she milked me dry, my cum filling her so fast that my neck corded tight with the strain.
“Shit!” I hissed on a gasp, my hips jerking with the force of how damn good that felt. Aliyana’s hands tightened around my head, and my cheek rested against her damp tits as I worked on slowing my pulse, my heart, hell, the million thoughts running through my head.
Just as José Gonzalez began singing “Heartbeats” through the speaker, Aliyana put her palms on my bearded cheeks and pushed me back, tilting up my face to look straight at hers. “I should, but I don’t care that you’re Axel. I just want to be here with you… like this… feeling this lightning between us.”
Exhaling a long breath, I gl
anced away and closed my eyes. “Fuck, girl…” I trailed off. “I ain’t used to all this.”
“What?” Aliyana asked nervously, trying to use her fingers below my chin to turn my head. “Used to what?”
But I couldn’t face her. I weren’t sure I wanted to see how much feeling this… this much good… just outright terrified me.
“Axel… please…” Aliynana begged.
Lifting my head, I met her wide gaze. Taking her hand from my palm, I brushed it across my lips, pressing a kiss to the warm skin, then slid it down my neck and over my heart.
Aliyana sucked in a breath and a pink flush flooded her cheeks. “It’s beating so fast,” she whispered.
I didn’t give a reaction, but as her searching eyes probed, I sighed and rasped, “I ain’t used to feeling good things… I can’t ever face feeling much of anything… I’ve done too much bad shit, enough to drown me…” Aliyana’s eyes glistened and, leaning in, she pressed three barely-there kisses along my cheek. Closing my eyes at that foreign act of tenderness, something in me caved, and I whispered, “but with you… I feel… I feel … everything, every-fucking-thing… right here…” I pressed her hand harder against my heart.
I wasn’t sentimental. Truth was, I was a cold-hearted bastard. I wasn’t real good with words, confessing my feelings or all that other sappy shit chicks loved. But that didn’t mean my sinner’s heart didn’t feel, didn’t race when she was near… when she smiled at me… when she plain understood what I was feeling deep inside, without me saying a damn word. She gave this cold heart of mine life. She gave it light. She was its fucking rhythmic beat.
“Axel…” Aliyana murmured, before gently pressing her lips to mine. This kiss was different than anything before. Because this kiss was given even though all our cards lay on the table.
Breaking the kiss, Aliyana pressed her forehead to mine, then carefully she stood up. I pulled in a long breath as my cock left her pussy, but I couldn’t take my eyes from her as she pulled her dress down until it pooled at her feet. My fists clenched the bed linen as she stood before me in just her pale pink panties and cowboy boots.