by Tillie Cole
Axel’s voice cut off, breaking with emotion as he tried to utter his mother’s name. He paled; even saying her name irreparably crushed him.
He cared…
“You’re more than that,” I argued, gripping his arm and pulling him round to face me. “Don’t you dare pull this shit on me, Axel. Not me.” I took in a shuddering breath as he watched me with an unmoving tough expression chiseled on his rugged face. “Don’t you dare do this. The man I’m with is a good man.”
His hands gripped his long hair. “You have no fucking idea. You like the idea that I’m this reformed bad boy turned sculptor you’ve given your heart to. The truth is, there’s no reformation for me, Ally. I just cover the evil inside me real well. When I went to jail, I had to learn to deal with prison life real damn quick. I had to learn to rein in the anger or risk being killed. I had to pretend to be a good guy so I could get the fuck out alive… you have no idea what it was like…”
“Shut up,” I snapped. Axel’s muscles began twitching at how tightly he was tensing in response to my attitude.
“What the fuck did you just say?” he questioned through gritted teeth.
Unafraid, I met his feet, looked him right in the eyes and said, “I said shut up.”
Axel Carillo stood there, his pumped up body radiating waves of pure menace, but he didn’t scare me. This was what he did. He intimidated. He evoked fear. He chased people away. But deep down, he was a frightened little boy who didn’t know anything else to do in life but fight; fight to protect his family and those he loved, fight against a society which had forgotten about him, which had brushed him aside since birth.
“You need to back the fuck off, Aliyana. Right now. I’m warning you,” he said, threateningly. Slowly, I shook my head, pushing my nerves down deep so they wouldn’t show. Axel’s nostrils flared. I knew I had him where I needed him to be. He had no idea what to do with me right now, no idea what do now I was standing up to his typically successful bulling ways. Because I knew him. There was no way in hell he would hurt me… I could see it in his eyes… I could feel it with every beat of my heart.
“I won’t back off. I won’t let you do this,” I pushed harder.
His eyes narrowed, small lines appearing on the edges of his lash lines.
“Let me ask you something. And this time, actually give me an answer,” I demanded. Axel watched me like a hunter watches his prey, but I didn’t let myself falter. “Why did you start dealing drugs for the Heighters? Not why you joined the gang, I know that, but why you started dealing coke when you were older?”
In this quiet room, I heard his teeth grinding together. I could see his pulse throbbing on his neck. I knew this is what he needed. He needed to see for himself that he wasn’t inherently evil. Being innately evil and having evil thrust upon you were competently different things.
“Answer me,” I snapped.
Clenching his fists, he hissed, “Because I was crew, and that's what we did to protect our turf. The best of us sold the coke, the rest of us looked out for cops, for threats from our rivals.”
“Bullshit,” I challenged. Fire lit up his eyes. I prodded his chest. “Tell me the real reason. Why did you deal drugs? Not the gang, you. Why did you recruit Austin and Levi into the crew so young?”
“For money,” he answered icily and a ray of hope burst in my chest. He wasn’t outright lying to me anymore, simply evading the truth.
“Money for what?” I continued.
A flash of pain stabbed across his stony expression. His eyes began to blaze. “Don’t,” he pushed. This time I almost stopped driving this. I could see the pain he didn’t want to face clawing to the surface.
“Why Axel?” I insisted, gripping the material of his shirt in my hands.
He remained silent. I was pretty sure he couldn’t speak.
“Was it to get money for your mamma’s treatment after she was diagnosed with ALS? Was it to get as much money as you could to save her from being in so much pain? Was it so she didn’t have to die in agony? Is that why you needed the money?”
Axel’s mouth parted. He dragged in a ragged breath as a single tear ran down his face, his lips ever so slightly quivering. In sympathy, tears flooded down my cheeks too. Axel didn’t know it, but I saw his mother… I was there, in the room, when she died. I wanted to tell him, but I knew he wasn’t ready for that confession yet.
But I couldn’t stop now. I’d made a small crack in his impenetrable armor; it was about damn time that armor was obliterated.
It was time to let in the light.
“You did,” I said firmly. “You drafted your brothers in to the Heighters because you couldn’t do it on your own. You needed help but you were afraid to ask for it. Had no one to ask, anyhow. You were alone, you were ‘Axel Carillo’, the man the Heighters used for intimidation. The guy all the rival gangs feared above anyone else. So how could you beg someone for help when you were always the guy to show no emotion or remorse? Yes, a part of you wanted Austin and Levi involved because you loved that crew. They were your family. They had your back when no one else did. They would kill for you, no questions asked. They were always there when no one else was. And you wanted that sense of family for Austin and Levi too. Because you love them. You love them more than anyone or anything in this world. They’re all you have left and it was the only way you knew how to keep them close and try and save your mamma at the same time. You thought it would keep y’all together as a family.”
Axel’s heart was slamming against his chest as he stared over my head, unable to meet my gaze. But I knew he was listening, as his hand reached up for mine and gripped my wrists tightly. It was in nothing else but support.
“But you couldn’t save your mamma,” I said in a quieter supportive tone, using my thumb to gently stroke the skin on his hand, “the Heighters were ruining Austin and Levi’s lives. You ran away from the cops back when Porter OD’ed, and unbeknownst to you, left Austin and Lev to deal with your mamma’s final days. But you came back and saved Austin from doing hard time. You came back to save your brothers over the crew who'd been your only real family for so long. Because you did it all for family. Everything you do is for family. You've repeatedly sacrificed your chance at happiness so they can keep theirs.”
I slid my hands around his neck and traced the long scar, the scar from the shanking that nearly killed him. “You endured five years of hell for your brothers. And even though you found your life’s passion within that nightmare, your sculptures cry desperate pleas for forgiveness. Your sculptures are guilt ridden cries of pain… deep sorrow… deep anguish and sadness for things you believe you cannot move on from… or face up to...”
I was referring specifically to the marble angel. It was still the only finished piece he’d never explained to me. But I knew what it was about, that angel. The dual-faced broken and liberated angel was his mamma.
“Ally…” he whispered, his hands shaking as they held me.
Skirting my palm to lay on his cheek, I said, “I know you, Axel Carillo, querido. You’re not the villain in this story, you’re the beautifully flawed hero. You’re the dark hero who has been sacrificing himself all along so others would be safe… and you did it all fully understanding that no one could ever know. But I know, and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me for giving my heart to you.”
“They’re all gonna know now,” he rasped, his voice sounding as though he’d swallowed yards of razor wire. “Your friends, my brothers, will all know we’re together after this, after tonight… and they ain’t gonna understand why. When all this shit clears with Molly, they’re gonna try and make you leave me. They’re gonna want to tear us apart.”
Tilting my head to the side, I could see the hurt and the apprehension… and was there… fear, in his voice? The realization warmed my soul…he didn’t want to lose me. My heart became so full of love I could barely breathe… he didn’t want to lose me…
Edging to his mouth slowly, I brushed my lips along h
is, hearing him sigh at that same feeling which always jolted through our bodies whenever we touched.
“Rayo…” I whispered against his warm mouth, unable to stop my smile.
“What?” he asked as his hand caressed my spine.
I smiled wider, the action causing him to inhale a quick breath. “Lightning,” I explained. “Together, we make… lightning… it’s the only way I can explain what feeling goes through me when I see you, talk to you… touch you... make love to you…”
Axel was silent at my words, until his hand wrapped tightly around my waist. “Fulmine,” he translated into Italian. My legs quaked at his perfect pronunciation, such a beautiful language slipping from his lips. “Si…” he said on a deep sigh, “La mia fulmine… la mia luce…”
“Kiss me,” I replied. Axel pressed us closer together, our bodies once again fused.
Our lips wandered along cheeks and necks until at last they met in a sensuous kiss… the most perfect of soft kisses. More was said in this single kiss than our endless nights of lovemaking.
As our lips parted, our breaths coming strong, I assured Axel, “No one can make me leave you. I don’t care what they say. You’re mine, all mine. Your troubles are my troubles. Your sins are now my sins.”
Axel shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what I’d just promised. He lifted my hand, turning my arm to kiss the inside of my wrists. “You’re my sacrament. The holy water my mamma used to bless me with, a pleading benediction slipping from her lips, now runs in your veins.” He dropped my arm only to use his thumbs to smudge the tears from my eyes and suck the collected tears into his mouth. As his lips released the pad of his thumb, he finished, “it falls with every tear you shed for me.”
“Axel,” I quietly sobbed. He pressed a kiss to both of my cheeks before wrapping me in his arms. It was a simple embrace. An embrace that most couples innocently share almost absentmindedly, but Axel had never let me in before this moment to share such a loving act.
It meant something… no, it meant everything… it meant he had let me in... finally.
As I wrapped my arms around his waist and melted against his chest, he told me, “You’re my reawakening.” Almost choking on his final sentence, he crushed me even tighter. I frowned at what had him so upset, when he opened up to me… about the topic he couldn’t ever bring himself to mention before now. “You’re the wish my… mamma… had for my darkening soul… the thing she would say to me every night before I left to push snow… io prego perché tu possa trovare la tua luce, mio figlio smarrito… I pray you find your light, my lost son…”
Pain crashed into my chest at the cutting, forlorn timbre to his voice. I cried. With words so touching how could I not?
Axel kissed my head and added, “And I have found it, carina. La mia fulmine… la mia luce… la mia vita… the only person who sees my clear reflection in the fogged mirror that is my life.”
Chapter Seventeen
Axel
Not wanting to leave this storeroom to face the world outside, I reluctantly dropped my arms from around Ally, and instantly felt cold.
“We’d better go see how Molly’s doing,” I suggested, my finger stroking across her chin.
Ally moved back and silently nodded. Lowering her hand she retook mine. Her eyelashes fluttered up and she asked, “Is… is this still okay?”
Bringing our joined hands to my lips, I kissed the back of her hand as I studied her hopeful face… her hopeful face. I studied each line and curve, an image stirring in mind. An impression, a spark… like it always started.
I thought about how Ally had always looked at me like this. I thought back to the time I saw my mamma’s sculpture sitting alone in that empty gallery looking so lonely that it made me crumble. And then, from behind the marble, there she was like a damn bright light, her beautiful face, the most beautiful face I’d ever seen, staring at me in silence… making me no longer alone. I should have known then, maybe I did in some way, that this would be the woman to change my life.
Months ago I was lost, drowning in a sea of guilt and fucking crippling sadness. Though I was fighting to break the surface, I couldn’t ever get free. Every fucker I knew was watching me from the sideline, letting me drown, but not her. Not la mia luce. I thought she might throw me a lifeline, or at least try to pull me through. What I didn’t expect her to do was jump in and tread water beside me… waiting, just waiting until I was ready to follow her to the shore.
I squeezed Ally’s hand. “It’s more than fucking okay,” I replied. And there it was, that blinding smile. That smile giving me hope that maybe this life would work out after all.
“Ready?” Ally asked, with a nervous smile.
Part of me said that I should let her go, that I shouldn’t put her through the shit that no doubt everyone was gonna put her through for being with me. But the other part of me, the selfish part, which for once in my life wanted to have something just for me, refused to fucking let go.
I was going with the selfish part. I wasn’t giving her up for nothing or nobody.
“Ready,” I replied. Together we walked out of the storeroom and down the hallway to the OB unit. As we entered the unit, the nurse at the nurse’s station directed us to the waiting room. As we approached the closed door, I glanced down and could see the apprehension on Ally’s face. She was nervous and I felt nothing but guilt.
Sighing, I dropped my head and tried to let go of her hand. Ally looked up at me in alarm, and squeezed our hands tighter. “No,” she said firmly, “we’re facing this together. I’m choosing to take whatever they throw at us.”
Yanking her to my chest, I kissed the top of her head. Ally turned the doorknob, straightened her shoulders and walked through, pulling me in behind her. Low voices had been talking. When I looked up, Austin, Lexi, Levi, JD and Cassie were sitting on plastic chairs… talking… but they were all now real fucking quiet as they looked our way.
The silence dragged on and Ally stepped closer to my side. When I lifted my eyes, every fucker in the room was staring at us… at our joined hands… At Ally Prince with Axel Carillo.
The first person I clashed eyes with was Austin, who was frowning in confusion, Lexi sat on his lap, her mouth dropped open.
Clearing her throat, Ally asked, “How’s Molly?”
Moving on from Austin, I next met eyes with Levi who was looking between Ally and me, back and forth, back and forth. No one looked happy. No one was answering Ally’s question.
My stomach dropped and Ally’s face paled as we heard, “Molly’s stable. Her condition’s now progressed to Eclampsia, that’s why she collapsed. Her blood pressure was way too high.”
I recognized Rome Prince’s voice from behind us. Ally tensed. Using my hold on her hand to pull her into my side, we turned so everyone could see us. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and lifted my chin just daring any of these fuckers to say something.
Ally melted into my side and gripped onto my shirt. She looked up at Rome in relief. “Molly’s gonna be okay?”
He had his arms folded over his chest and I could tell that he was about to lose his shit. “She’s sleeping, but she’ll be fine,” he replied tightly.
I heard Ally sigh deeply and I moved my mouth to her ear to whisper, “She’s gonna be okay, carina.”
“Firstly,” Rome looked right at me and said, “I wanna thank you for bringing Molly and me here. I fucking fell apart, but you brought us here and she’s safe now. I can’t repay that.”
Ally relaxed hearing her cousin’s sincere thank you, but then Rome dropped his hand and looked to her. “But secondly,” he shook his head in disbelief, “You’re with Axel, Al? Are you fucking kidding me?”
Ally’s eyes tightened and she looked at me. “Yes, I’m with Axel,” she replied, nothing but pride in her voice.
“You told us you were with that artist. You fucking lied?” he half-asked, half-challenged, looking like he couldn’t wrap his head around everything that was happening.
“Yes,” Ally whispered, “I lied… I lied to y’all because I knew you wouldn’t approve.”
I exhaled sharply as Ally lied to her cousin to protect my secret, when Rome’s mouth dropped open. “Ally, what the fuck are you thinking?” he asked loudly. Ally sucked in a hurt breath. “Have you lost your fucking mind?”
“No,” Ally whispered, “I’m thinking real clear. For the first time ever, I’m thinking perfectly clear… and I want him. I’m with him.”
Rome’s eyes narrowed, when Lexi spoke up. “There’s no artist? Axel’s the guy you’ve really fallen for?” There was nothing but concern on Lexi’s face. That kinda fucking gutted me. I knew we weren’t close. I knew she still expected me to fail in life, but I didn’t expect to see fear in her eyes over my being with her friend.
“Yes,” Ally told Lexi who darted a glance to Cassie who, surprisingly, for once, seemed to have shit all to say.
“You don’t ever have a boyfriend, and when you finally get one, you chose a fucking drug dealing ex-con?” Rome snapped. Anger started build in my blood as I heard Ally start to cry. My breath was growing faster and faster, and as Rome’s eyes met mine, I stepped forward. I was gonna kill this fucker for upsetting my woman.
Ally stepped forward putting her hands on my chest. “No, querido, stop.”
“Shit, Ally!” Rome exclaimed. I stepped forward just then Austin moved in front of me and faced his best friend.
“Quit it, Rome, now,” Austin ordered. Rome stopped dead and by the expression on his face, I could tell he couldn’t believe what my kid brother was doing… having my back… I almost couldn’t believe it either.
“Are you serious, eighty-three? After everything he did to you, to Lexi, to Lev, you’re gonna defend him being with my cousin? My cousin!”