Sam looked at Kate expectantly. She didn’t smile.
‘I’m sorry.’ Kate rubbed at the back of her neck. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. It was a shitty thing to say and I didn’t mean it.’
‘Okay.’ Sam nodded.
‘That’s it?’
‘Yeah.’ The other girl shrugged. She smiled a small smile. It wasn’t a grin but it made Kate feel better. ‘You apologized. I accepted. End of story. Nothing more to it. Now do you wan to talk about what is obviously bothering you to are we going to pretend nothing is wrong and you can go back to sulking?’
‘I don’t sulk.’ Kate wasn’t making the point she thought she was. She could tell. Sam looked at her pointedly, as if to say, ‘Really? Who are you trying to fool?’
‘So maybe I sulk.’ Kate relented. It might be good to talk about it with someone who wasn’t Iuan or Jenny. Or Bryan. Not that he knew much. Less than the bare minimum. And he wasn’t exactly speaking to her at the moment. Now that was sulking.
‘We slept together.’ There. It was out. She’d said it. But that wasn’t the kicker.
‘Right.’ Sam laughed. Her shoulders moved as she laughed. Kate couldn’t see what was so funny about that. ‘That was not what I was expecting you to say.’
Kate ignored her. She kept on talking. ‘But that’s not it. She ghosted me. We slept together and she ghosted me. I thought we … Well, I thought. That was my problem.’
‘Thinking’s your problem? That doesn’t sound right.’
Kate ignored her again. ‘I’m an idiot, right? I shouldn’t let it bother me. Let bygones be bygones and all that shit. She didn’t owe me anything. It was a good night. I should take the win.’
‘I mean, yeah.’ Sam nodded in agreement. ‘There’s not much more to it. Not like you two were dating.’
‘We went on dates.’ Kate felt the need to point out. Then she thought about it. She hadn’t really clarified if they were in fact dates. But they had felt like them. ‘I think they were dates, anyway. I didn’t really ask.’
‘Awkward.’
‘Just a smidge.’
Sam held the door open for Kate. Pulled her chair out for her and wrapped her arm around the back of it after Kate had sat down. She leaned in, opened Kate’s bottle, took a sip, smiled and stayed there for a minute. But that was Sam. That was how Kate knew her. One minute she was closed off and the next she was the most affectionate person you could meet.
Kate hadn’t dared look over at Emily. Her disinterested had hurt Kate and she wasn’t keen for a reminder of just how little she mattered to the other girl.
Sam rested her head on Kate’s shoulder. That was a little odd. Kate looked over at her curiously.
‘You’re going to owe me,’ said Sam with a self-satisfied grin. ‘Like big time. Like cheat on finals big time or name your first-born after me big-time.’
‘What are you talking about? And besides you wouldn’t want to cheat off me anyway. More like the opposite.’
‘Watch and learn, Kate.’ Sam leaned closer. Kate could feel her breath on her ear. It tickled. And normally she would’ve been ecstatic with the attention. Sam was smart and funny and attractive. That was all true. But Kate wasn’t looking for anything like that. She had thought Sam understood.
‘You’ve been too busy sulking, my dear Katherine, to notice the evidence.’
‘My name’s not Katherine.’
‘Semantics.’ Sam was still there whispering in her ear. She smelt of cinnamon and coffee. ‘Semantics, darling.’ That she said louder. Loud enough for the entire room to hear. Kate could feel eyes on her and fought the urge to sink into her chair. Not that she thought Sam would let her get away with that. Her voice was quiet again. It gave the illusion of intimacy but Kate could see the mischievous glint in Sam’s eye as if they were playing a game and only she knew the rules. ‘While you were sulking I was watching. Exhibit A: Emily looked like she swallowed something particularly unpleasant when the two of us left together. Exhibit B: When we came back and I put my arm around you and leaned in she couldn’t look away. Exhibit C: She looks at you like you’re a particularly tasty snack but she’s on a diet. But please, for the love of god, don’t look over now. Play it cool.’
‘You do realize your theory is entirely based on looks and that doesn’t exactly make for concrete evidence. None of that is concrete.’ No matter how much Kate might’ve wished it was. She didn’t look over at Emily. Didn’t dare.
‘Would I lie to you?’
Kate thought about it for a minute. Would Sam lie to her? ‘Yes. Quiet possibly. And besides, even if you’re right, I don’t want to platy games. I don’t want to make her jealous. I thought you were all about me being an “emotionally mature” person.’
Sam pouted. She pulled her arm back and let Kate have her space and let out a dramatic sigh. ‘That was before I wanted to have fun. Being emotionally mature isn’t fun. If I’m going to help you I may as well get something out of it.’
Kate laughed without realizing it. ‘I didn’t ask for your help.’
‘But you need it.’ Sam had already logged on to her laptop. Lines of code decorated the screen. Neat, properly independent, well documented and probably flawless code.
‘Not with my love life I. ’ Kate looked at her sad screen and the amount of red that littered it. ‘But maybe this?’
Sam sighed and had a look at the screen. Her forehead scrunched with concentration and her eyes slowly widened. She sighed again. ‘This is going to be a long night.’
Thirteen
Lover’s quarrel
She left the library after midnight. In the end it was just her and Sam. And Emily. Not that Kate had been paying attention. Not at all. She’d given her code one-hundred percent of her attention. Maybe less than. It had been more like fifteen percent.
Sam left. She left and for thirty minutes Kate and Emily sat in an awkward stalemate. Neither spoke. Eventually Kate had enough. Sam had helped her as much as she had been able and finally she had a working prototype. It was not yet in a state that she could submit as her final project for the unit but it was better than what she’d had to begin with. Her code was well debugged now. And in the end, her big error, had been a misplaced comma that her too tired eyes had been unable to spot in the thousands of lines of code. Sam had spotted it, though. And she really could’ve kissed her when it happened. She also could’ve cried. It would’ve been happy tears. Finally she’d made progress.
So despite the awkward atmosphere, and Emily’s determined disregard of her, she left the library not too upset with how her night had turned out.
It was dark outside. But the library was a beacon of light. And the paths back to the dorms were well lit.
Kate made her way down the path. The air was cold. Her nose and cheeks were probably red. She put her hands in her pockets, adjusted her backpack, and began to make her way back to her room.
She didn’t get far.
‘Kate!’
Kate stopped. She turned slowly. And only thought for a moment of pretending that she hadn’t heard Emily call her name. Which, she thought, was a real sign of personal growth.
‘Are you dating her?’
‘Hi, Emily. Nice to see you too. How are you? Me? Well, I’m good, thank you for asking.’ Defense mechanisms for the win. It had been a reflex response, snarky and not at all helpful. Chronic word vomit had struck again. Kate looked up at the dark sky and said awkwardly afterwards, not at all prepared for this confrontation, ‘I’d say we’re having nice weather but, well, I don’t think you’re supposed to do that at night. It’s the sort of thing people find weird.’
‘Clever.’ Emily’s voice was unimpressed. She looked upset. Her lips were pursed, her brows furrowed, and her eyes looked … watery? Upset, even. That couldn’t be right. Kate must’ve been imaging it. It was probably a trick of the light.
‘That’s me,’ said Kate, she cleared her throat and had to force the word out, ‘clever.’
‘Are yo
u dating her?’
‘I heard you the first time.’
‘And you avoided the question. That seems to be your thing.’
‘You don’t know what my thing is.’ Kate bit down hard, her jaw clenched. She scoffed loudly because wasn’t that a fine cheek, Emily talking about avoiding someone or something. ‘And it’s not like you can talk.’
Emily’s words were shaky. Kate could hear the tremble as she spoke. But despite the tremble and fragile quality of her voice there was bite to it still. ‘Yeah, I can, actually. I’m not the asshole here. I’m not the one all over some random girl. Was that all I was to you? Just another lay? And to think I thought we were the same. To think I actually trusted you. Thought I meant something to you. Now I know I didn’t. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think that.’
Yeah, okay, Kate was completely lost now. And she would definitely be going over this conversation later in her head. But not right now. Now she was angry and frustrated and still resentful over being ghosted for two weeks. ‘I didn’t say you didn’t,’ alright not her best defense but she was more than a little flabbergasted, it felt like her world was turned upside down, she was missing something but she was not sure what. ‘You’re putting words into my mouth.’
‘Better a one-sided conversation than none at all.’
Kate said nothing. That had been a dig. She knew that. But as far as she was concerned it should’ve been one she aimed at Emily. Not the other way around. What could she have done for Emily to be mad at her? She hadn’t done anything wrong. Had she?
Emily was oblivious to Kate’s internal quandary.
‘God you’re stubborn!’ Her voice was shaky, still, and had grown fragile and desperate and thin as if on verge of breaking. To hear Emily so clearly upset, to see it, tore at Kate. Deflated her anger, somewhat. Kate’s shoulders slumped. She felt as if she had lost. But wasn’t sure how, or when, but knew, with certainty, that Emily had won this one.
‘What do you want from me?’ asked Kate, her voice desperate and confused now in equal measure. She threw her arms up in the air. She wanted to make it better. To make it stop. She didn’t want Emily to be upset. And wasn’t that just fucking brilliant? Even mad and wronged and very much the victim in the situation, or so she thought but Emily would probably disagree with that assessment, she didn’t want Emily to feel like she was feeling. She still cared. And wasn’t she really the idiot for that? ‘Just say it. I’m not telepathic. Say what you want to say. I can’t fucking guess.’
Emily laughed. In truth it was more of a scoff than a laugh and seemed to be fueled entirely by disbelief. She stared at Kate’s lips, gaze purposeful but slightly unfocused as if she were thinking of something else, and didn’t bother hiding it.
Kate held her breath. She thought, for a second, that Emily might kiss her. But then thought better of it. Emily was mad. Kate was mad. And she was delusional to think that kissing would be on the table.
But Emily proved her wrong. Again. She was making a habit of that.
Emily’s stare didn’t falter. Her gaze was piercing and intense. And for a moment Kate was slightly concerned that she had something on her face. But that didn’t make any sense. Sam would’ve told her. And that left Kate floundering because that left only one explanation. One that she could not bring herself to accept. One that didn’t make any sense. One that gave her hope …
Emily kissed her. Her hands were cool on Kate’s flaming cheeks. Her entire body felt like it was on fire. But Kate, as Kate was wont be, was slow on the uptake. It took her a moment to realize that, yes, Emily was kissing her and she wasn’t just imagining it like she had so many times before.
Emily pulled back, slightly, at Kate’s lack of response. She looked unsure. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Kate’s slow reaction had made her doubt herself.
Kate tore herself from her daze and kissed Emily back. She pulled Emily close, hands resting on her lower back. The kiss wasn’t neat. It wasn’t clean. And it definitely wasn’t pretty. But it was honest. Kate tried to convey all the things she didn’t know how to say through her kiss. She wasn’t entirely sure she’d succeeded but she’d be dammed if she didn’t try.
Emily’s lips on her own were insistent. And her hand’s drifted away from Kate’s cheeks to her neck. Another shiver ran down her spine. She felt hot. Her entirely body seemed ready to combust. There was no more room for doubt or thought. Emily left her unable to think.
All Kate could focus on was feeling. She felt Emily’s lips brush against her own, and could barely figure out where Emily began and Kate ended. It was a battle she didn’t want to win in fear of having it end.
It was everything.
Emily backed away. Her arms lingered for a moment around Kate’s neck before they fell to her sides. ‘Talk to me when you figure it out.’ And with that said Emily left. She walked back to the parking lot and Kate stared after her, unblinking and dazed, doing her best impression of a stunned mullet. She could still smell Emily’s perfume, it was sweet and smelt like berries and nutmeg, warm and and happy and not like anything Kate had ever smelt before. It was wholly unique. Utterly, utterly Emily.
A shiver ran down her spine. She could barely contain everything she felt. It was overwhelming in scope and she didn’t know where to begin to dissect it all. Didn’t know where to begin to understand it.
The feeling of Emily’s lips on her lingered. The kiss had been bruising. It was hard and passionate and not refined at all. And different to any kissed they had shared up to then. It was angry and confused and wanting.
‘Shit.’
Fourteen
Reconciliation
Kate hadn’t meant to kiss her friend’s crush. It had just, well, sort of happened. She hadn’t just tripped and fallen into it by any means of the imagination. Just, well, when the option was there and Emily’s lips had looked so very kissable you could hardly blame her. The sex, though, that had been entirely on her.
Maybe she could tell him she had thought Emily was a different Emily entirely? Fuck, he was not going to believe that. She was screwed – but she couldn’t bring herself to care. Not as much as she should’ve.
It wasn’t as if this was the first time they’d done that to each other. He had done worse. It wasn’t as if she didn’t remember what had happened in the fallout of her breakup with Lauren. She knew he would’ve jumped at the opportunity. And, honestly, she didn’t hold it against him. Lauren was her own person, and they hadn’t been together then. And if he had thought he could’ve been happy with her then, well, good for them.
She could only hope he felt the same way … And, besides, reasoned Kate, it wasn’t as if she had been the one to initiate things. Sure, she had kissed her back. But that was a sort of reflex thing. It was only polite. Really. She wasn’t going to be able to sell that. It wasn’t remotely true.
Kate sat on the beach. Her feet were buried in the cold sand. And the night was quiet. She just needed to be somewhere that was isolated from Emily, and Bryan … and all of that. Her dorm wasn’t it. The beach, then, had naturally been the second place that had popped into her mind. And so, with her mind preoccupied, the journey felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. There wasn’t anyone there with her. She was alone. Blissfully alone.
Just a sad girl and her sad thoughts.
The fuck was she going to do now?
#
The dining hall was quiet on account of it being three in the morning. And really the door should’ve been locked but most nights it wasn’t. It was the RA’s job to lock up and more often than not they “forgot” on account of having better things to do with their time. The only time it was really ever locked after midnight was in the first and last week of college, anytime else you could pretty much come and go as you pleased.
Kate’s feet were cold, and sand was stuck between her toes from her little late night beach escapade. She made a beeline for the coffee machine. It was a large industrial sized thing all silver and bl
ack metal with more bits and bobs and nobs than Kate knew what to make of. Making a coffee should’ve been simple. It shouldn’t have been rocket science. But it may as well have been.
Kate had simple tastes. And that made this whole thing much easier on her sleep deprived, near fried from exhaustion, brain. She pressed the button with the small flat-white symbol and prayed.
The machine sprung to animatronic life with a gurgle and hiss and a pop. The loud crunch of coffee beans as it was ground to a fine powder echoed through the empty dining hall. It was almost like a buzz. The sort of sound that might come from a large swarm of bees.
The cup was warm in her hands when she took it from the machine and slunk to the furthest corner of the room. But that corner was taken. A slumped form was passed out on the table she’d wanted to claim as her own, sleeping open-mouth with a small trail of drool making it’s way down his mouth and onto his arm, and collecting, finally, in a sad pool between the furrowed fabric of his red college sweatshirt.
She knew that sweatshirt. She knew that head of messy curly hair that didn’t entirely fit his head. She knew those shorts. Those khaki-beige shorts.
Bryan.
They were still mad at each other. Or they were still suppose to be mad a each other? If Kate were being honest she didn’t care anymore. She was over it. The anger had really faded after a couple of days. But she wasn’t sure if he was over it.
Bryan who very much was not the sort of person to be passed out on a Monday night in the dining hall. And normally Kate would’ve woken him up. Checked if he was okay. But normally they didn’t fight. Hadn’t fought in years. So this was ground zero for her.
Kate poked at his shoulder. Careful to the avoid the drooled on his arm. Bryan didn’t respond immediately.
‘Huh?’ He jolted awake. ‘Oh. It’s you. What are you doing here?’
‘I was about to ask you the same thing.’
‘Are you still mad at me?’
‘Did you still kiss Emily?’
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