Odd Exam

by Piers Anthony

  There, in the middle of the hole, attached to a cord danging from the base of the tower, was a weighted pouch. From it projected a pass.

  They had found what they were looking for. The college authorities had placed it where it could not be missed. It was also inaccessible. That explained why no one else had taken it.

  “Maybe I could climb one of those struts, grab the cord, and haul up the pouch,” Ike said dubiously.

  “No. Those struts are greased. You'd fall to your doom.”

  Now he saw the glisten on the strut. “No climbing,” he agreed.

  “We'll have to go back to campus and get a pole long enough to reach the pouch, with a hook.”

  “Or maybe just a ball of string. One of our familiars can carry the end of it around the cord, hooking it so we can haul it in to us.”

  Blue hissed, and Demeanor nodded. “Feasible,” the parrot said.

  “The sooner the better,” Felony said, excited.

  “Time's a wasting,” he agreed.

  “One detail: whose pass is it?”

  “Yours. You saw it first.”

  “I want you to have it.”

  He shook his head. “I'll find my own. But let's not argue; we need to nab this one before someone else does.”

  “Any comment, Familiars?” Felony asked.

  “You're doing fine on your own,” Demeanor said, and Blue hissed agreement. “You can decide after you have the pass.”

  “First catch your rabbit,” Ike said, smiling.

  They hurried back to the campus. But before they could search for a pole, Professor Comodon intercepted them. “There's an emergency. You need to get home before it strikes.”

  “Home? But we have a good half hour left of the session,” Ike protested.

  “A stone termite swarm has been spotted. It will eat our foundations and damage the classrooms. We will have to shut down for repairs. The limo will come for you when we're back in business.”

  Ike exchanged a look with Felony. This happened right when they had a chance to get a pass? That was suspicious.

  Comodon was studiedly neutral. That confirmed it as part of the exam.

  “How can we help?” Felony asked.

  “We're not sure you can. We'll just have to rebuild after the swarm departs, sated.”

  She looked at Ike. “Got an answer?”

  Ike had been wracking his brain. This was obviously a setup. They could find string and head back out to claim their pass, or they could help save the buildings. But the pass would keep; the buildings might not. Better to help with them first.

  That left the termites. There had to be an answer. They had to come through.

  Then he had it. “The river. The quarry. The tuff is untouched under the water.”

  “But the foundations are above water.”

  “Yes. Something in the water stops the termites. We need to douse the foundations in river water, and keep them wet until the termites go. It'll be a job, but it should be feasible.”

  “That just might be,” Comodon said.

  They got buckets, co-opted all personnel in the area, and set up a bucket brigade. Just as the first ones were splashed on the foundations, the swarm of termites arrived. It darkened the sky as it oriented on the campus. Would this work?

  The first termites closed on the buildings, covering them like rugs. The bucketeers kept splashing. Wherever they splashed, the termites sailed up angrily, not liking the taste at all. But more came in, not learning from the experience of their neighbors. Still, it became evident that they were not chewing on the tuff. As long as it was wet, they couldn't eat it.

  “Your time is up,” Comodon said. “You will want to go home.”

  Interesting the way he framed it. They had a choice?

  “Do you shut down the set when the students are gone?” Felony asked. She was disheveled from her exertion, but looked happy.

  “No, it remains. But we feel it is unfair to hold applicants longer. There are natural functions and such.”

  “Which can be done expeditiously in the changing chamber,” Felony said. “So we can stay and see this campaign through.”

  “That is feasible, yes, but we do not require it of you.”

  And there were students who did only what was directly required. None of them were in evidence here. They must have gone home before it started.

  Felony glanced at Ike. He took the hint. “I'm for it. We can take quick breaks, then return to the fray. Until the job is done.”

  “We can even stay the night, if necessary,” Felony said. “Sharing a room.”

  Oho! Would the professors go for that? Ike was more than intrigued. “Can you leave a text message for our folks, so they know we're okay?

  “We can do this,” Comodon said. He almost smiled.

  They headed out to refill their buckets. “You're really pushing it,” Ike said.

  “I am coming to the conclusion that whatever Pomegranate College teaches, I want to learn. And I want to spend all the time with you I can, in case one of us doesn't make it. So I have two reasons. You object?”

  “No.” Her reasons were coming to be his reasons.

  “We're the only two applicants participating in this effort. The others went home. I think the buckets seem too much like work to them.”

  “That is my impression too.”

  “They'll be too short-handed to protect all the buildings without us. We have to see it through.”

  “We do,” he agreed.

  They kept going. After the first swarm of termites gave up and moved on, there was a break, during which Ike and Felony returned to their chambers for rapid snacks and functions. Food and drink were waiting for them in the chambers. This was routine, but Ike found it anything but routine in feeling. He agreed with Felony: he wanted to be admitted to Pomegranate College, to learn whatever it had to teach, and to be with Felony.

  The second wave came. Again, the termites covered the buildings; again they were repulsed. Their annoyance was palpable. “Tough spit,” Ike said unsympathetically as he soaked them in water.

  Finally the termites moved on. “The third wave is the last,” Comodon said. “It should arrive within four hours.”

  “Give us a room to rest in,” Felony said. “I'm bushed.”

  The professor showed them to a nice dormitory room, complete with two beds, two desks, closets, and a bathroom. “We will notify you when they arrive. Your service has been exemplary.”

  “You're welcome,” Ike said. He shut the door and was alone with Felony.

  Except for the familiars. “Now this is nice,” Demeanor said, flying to a perch on the back of a chair. Blue agreed, slithering to the cushion on the same chair.

  “I have to get clean,” Felony said. “I'm just about made of grime.”

  “You look great to me.”

  “But you wouldn't want to kiss me this way.”

  He took hold of her and kissed her.

  “But you wouldn't want to strip naked with me.”

  He stripped, and she did. They stood naked before each other. She remained lean, but she did have what she called the girl parts, and they turned him on.

  “But you wouldn't want to join me in a shower.”

  “If I did, I'd get a—you know.”

  “So you're balking?”

  He joined her in the shower. He did get a reaction, which she ignored. However, he got the impression that she was pleased rather than embarrassed. She might have been annoyed if he had failed to react, showing his judgment of her non-luscious state. The shower felt exactly like a real one, and they did get clean.

  They dried and returned to the bedroom. Their filthy clothing had been replaced with clean clothing. Ike realized that wasn't difficult, because their dirtiness was mainly illusion; their clothing always had been clean. They did not put it on immediately.

  “We resisted the urge to peek at what you did in the shower,” Demeanor said.

  Felony's mouth quirked. “Thank you, b
irdbrain and snake eyes. That saves us phenomenal embarrassment.” As if they had done anything more than wash.

  The bird shrugged. “Now you will want to rest, while you can.”

  Felony looked at the bed. “I won't tease you any more, Ike. You have to want to do it. You know I want to.”

  “I do want to do it! But not yet.”

  To his surprise, she accepted that. “I can see how badly you want to. You're not just saying so. But your spirit is stronger than your flesh. I admire that.”

  “Thank you. You—you could make me do it, if you tried.”

  “But I know you would rather I didn't. So I won't.”

  Ike was both relieved and disappointed. “Then let's lie together and rest.”

  They lay on the bed and embraced. Her body was soft and warm against him, and utterly sexy. “This is my dream, being with you like this,” she said. “I'd like to sleep with you holding me.”

  “Do it,” he said.

  “And just so you know: if you want to fondle any part of me, awake or asleep, you're welcome.”

  “I'll try to restrain myself.”

  “Too bad.”

  They needed to change the subject. “Felony, I was always smart and together, but I lacked direction for my life. With you, I am finding it. I think you are right: whatever the college teaches, I think I want to learn it as long as I'm with you.”

  “You mean I don't need to seduce you to get you to stick around?”

  She phrased it as humor, but it was exactly the case. “Yes. You can seduce me when we don't have other things to do.”

  She closed her eyes and relaxed. In moments, to his surprise, she really was asleep. He lay there, holding her as she breathed against him. Then, unable to resist, he slid one hand down to her bare bottom. It was sheer delight.

  “Well, now,” Demeanor remarked. Blue hissed, and she shut up. The familiars were each protecting the interests of their primaries.

  All this, because of termites! But he wondered: assuming the termite menace was a made-up challenge, to put them through their paces, had they passed the test? He rather thought they had. And what about this supposed aloneness in the room? He had never forgotten that nothing was truly private here; that was a significant part of what restrained him. Was this another test? Were they passing it? He wished he knew.

  Once the termites had been dealt with, they would return to Awful Tower and fetch the pass. They would still have to find one more pass. They would do it. Ike relaxed with that certainty.

  There was a knock on the door. Ike woke with a start. So did the familiars. So did Felony. “We slept!” she said.

  “Three hours,” he agreed, glancing at his watch. “Naked.”

  “Loved it.”

  “In a moment!” he called to the door as they scrambled up and got into their clothes. The termite wave must have arrived.

  It had. They rejoined the bucket brigade and fended off the insects, saving the foundations. Only when the last insect departed did they relax.

  “You two did good work,” Comodon said. That was all.

  “He might at least have thanked you,” Demeanor grumped, and Blue hissed agreement. That made Ike wonder again about the familiars; they seemed human in all but form. Were they actually mock-ups being controlled by hidden humans? Why?

  Now it was dusk, too late to go for the pass. But Ike had another thought as he bid parting to Felony. “Let's save the Awful Tower until the end. If we find one other pass, then we can go for it. I don't think anyone else will get it in the interim.”

  “Okay.” She kissed him, and they separated. The familiars remained by the side of the walk.

  It had been one remarkable session, for more than one reason.

  Chapter 6:

  Blue Heaven

  They met at the usual time and place next day. Blue and Miss Demeanor were waiting. “I've been thinking,” Felony said. “Where did our familiars come from? I'll bet it's one of those pomegranate seeds.”

  “True?” Ike asked.

  Blue hissed once, and the parrot nodded. “We are from other worlds, yes.”

  “Any passes there?”

  “Yes. But we don't recommend those ones.”

  “We're down to how many passes remaining?”

  “Three, including the one at Awful Tower.”

  “And two may be in your realms?”

  “Try for the one that isn't,” Demeanor recommended.

  “All three could be in one of your worlds.”

  “They could be,” Demeanor agreed reluctantly. “But your best hope is to get one that isn't.”

  Ike sighed. “This does not seem promising.”

  “We'll have to try one, even if our familiars don't like it,” Felony said. “What choice do we have?”

  “None we can think of at the moment.”

  “So which one?”

  Ike spread his hands. “We have so little information, its a pure guess. Let's try Blue's seed.”

  Blue hissed twice.

  “I know,” Ike said. “But we are left with unkind alternatives. Will you help us there?”

  The snake hissed once, resigned.

  The line formed, showing the way, and they hiked to the Blue Seed. Here the line turned everything to shades of blue, monochrome. The grass was blue, the foliage blue, the sand blue, but each was distinct so there was no confusion. Apart from that, the vegetation seemed normal; Ike recognized an oak tree, and a dandelion weed.

  The guide line ended at the entrance to the blue domain, but there was a neat path leading on. “If this is part of the exam,” Felony said, “that path should lead toward the pass, as the other path did. Why am I not much reassured?”

  “Because we don't know that there is a pass here,” Ike said. “And if there is, we don't know that someone else has not already claimed it. And if it remains available, it may be because anyone who tried for it before is dead.”

  “That's a more comprehensive answer to my rhetorical question than I care for.”

  “But it will do,” Demeanor said. “This place makes me nervous.”

  “There is more,” Ike said. “If others have used this path, the predators of thus realm may have caught on, and be lurking by it, waiting for us to walk into their lair.”

  Blue hissed once.

  “So maybe we should avoid the path,” Ike continued. “We can use it as a guide, but not actually walk on it. That way we can see where it goes, without being complete targets.”

  Blue hissed again, approving the strategy.

  “But let's have sword and shield ready,” Felony said. “Maybe both together, for both of us. That may be clumsy, but halfway safe.”

  Ike got both laser stubs in his hands. “Works for me.”

  Another hiss. Blue seemed less worried than he had been before.

  Fully armed, they entered the blue domain. Even before they stepped off the path, Blue hissed warning. A huge blue serpent slithered from the side, flying at about head height, mouth open wide, fangs leading. It encountered Ike's shield and writhed in pain. It had indeed been lurking in ambush, and been surprised by a prepared foe. It contorted and sank to the ground, then slithered away when out of pain.

  “Just so,” Felony said, satisfied.

  “You were lucky,” Demeanor said.

  Ike smiled. “Luck favors the prepared.”

  “And now we know: we face flying serpents here,” Felony said. “That gives me the creeps. No offense, Blue.”

  Blue hissed, amused.

  They stepped off the path and made their way slowly through the forest. “I see familiar trees, bees, squirrels, butterflies,” Felony said. “This seems to be an entirely normal world, except for a couple of details.”

  “Blue color, flying reptiles,” Ike said. “Some details!”

  “And no birds,.” Demeanor said, shuddering.

  “No birds,” Felony agreed, surprised. “What can account for this?”

  “I'm working on it,” Ike said. “
Maybe the snakes took out the birds, who have no place to escape them.”

  “That makes unfortunate sense.”

  They came to a clearing. There was a deer grazing. It looked up as they saw it, seeming unalarmed. They advanced on it, and it considered, then bounded away without panic.

  “At least there's a mammal,” Ike said. “It did not seem much concerned about us. I wonder whether our human species exists here.”

  “It's concerned about giant flying serpents.” Then she considered. “But this still bothers me. How is it that we have a normal deer, and presumably normal other animals, at the same time as flying serpents? How could this realm be so familiar, yet so different in that one respect?”

  “That doesn't seem to make much sense,” Ike agreed. “Surely the reptiles would have evolved differently, if they could fly all along. Why have a body designed for slithering through the crannies, when you rule the air? Unless--”

  “Unless?”

  “Unless it happened recently, geologically. Like maybe in the last million years. All the animals evolved as we know them, then something changed for the reptiles, enabling them to fly. With that advantage they took out the birds, but they haven't yet conquered the mammals or insects. Probably they took out the birds by raiding their nests, as they always have, only now no nest is safe. To the mammals it doesn't make much difference whether what flies in to attack is a hawk or a snake; they can handle it, or at least hold their own for a while.”

  “And what happened to make the reptiles fly?”

  He had to struggle to come up with an answer again. “Maybe a magnetic change. Like a collision with a blue meteor that didn't destroy the world but did lend its color to the air and seriously mess up its magnetic field, so that the snakes were able to use it to repel the ground and in effect nullify gravity.” He held up his hand in her stop signal. “I don't know why it affected only reptiles; maybe there's something in their cold-blooded makeup that relates. So they took to the air and now govern it, and are on the way to eliminating other species. But at least that would explain them, and Blue, here.”

  Blue hissed once.

  “Now we'd better find that pass,” Ike concluded.

  “Not quite yet,” Felony said grimly, as Blue hissed and Demeanor squawked.