by Emily Childs
Jane’s laughter fills our apartment by the time I pull back my damp hair and battle with a pair of jeans. Axel leans over the counter on his elbows, his flirtatious grin sends Jane into another contagious chuckle while Logan scours our refrigerator. Jonas stands against the wall and is the first to notice me.
“You look like you’re feeling better,” he says.
Drawing in a deep breath, I nod. “Thanks for helping bring me back from the dead—”
“There she is,” Axel says, crossing the small kitchen. His hands find my waist and I forget how to breathe. I like the way his hands feel, but more than before I am keen to the way Jonas watches us. My cheeks blaze when Axel kisses me. Logan scoffs and bites into a cold piece of Jane’s pizza.
“Hey,” Jane says and lunges for the slice. Rule one of the apartment: don’t take Jane’s food.
Axel pulls away, his kiss warm on my lips. He’s here in his delightful splendor, but my insides are not tumbling, nor fluttering. I instead step back, chest tight with a kind of embarrassed concern that others can see our affection.
“I missed that,” Axel says. “So, when are you leaving to the airport?”
I look around his shoulder at the clock over the stove. “In an hour.”
At that his impish grin comes to life. “That’s plenty of time.”
Jane snatches the pizza from Logan’s hand, but like the ogre he is he already dives in for a second helping. But if anyone can give Logan a run for his money, it’s going to be Jane. Jonas sits on the couch, his back to Axel and me.
I finally offer Axel my best easy smile, and squeeze his waist. “You know, I need to pack still. I didn’t get much done while my stomach was turning inside out.”
“Keep your hands off,” Jane says, flapping a piece of pizza into Logan’s face. “If I come back out here and this is gone, you’ll wish you never stepped foot in here.”
“She means it, Logan,” Jonas mutters, without turning his head.
“Fine, I won’t touch your pizza,” Logan says, then snickers like a gargoyle.
Jane offers a curt nod and brushes past me. “I’ll be ready in forty-five Brit. Then we’ll go.”
I shoot Logan a warning glance when he moves toward the fridge, but he only takes an apple. One of mine. Axel leans against the wall and pulls at the hem of my shirt so I press against him. “Want me to help you pack?” he asks.
I shake my head, and don’t miss the way his eyes avert toward my bedroom door. Axel’s voice sounds low, sultry, and nearly irresistible. The insinuation can’t be missed by anyone in the room. Like I have mentioned, and maybe this makes me the oddest senior on campus, but let me be clear—I’ve kissed guys. Some more passionately than others, but that’s the extent of my experience. Clear enough? I’m not going to tell that to Axel, because frankly I’ve always been okay with that. I’m not sure if Axel expects to take the relationship there, right here, with his brother in the apartment, but I know he would find himself disappointed. I’m not ready. And Logan Snyder is not a face I want nearby when that moment comes. So that’s that.
Something about the idea feels off, like I’ve been flipped upside down. Almost…wrong. I shift away from him. Axel is my dream, the desire of my heart, yet this morning I’m not as in sync with the flow of the dream.
“You guys go and have fun,” I say. “What are your plans this weekend?”
Axel frees my shirt and shrugs. “Logan heard about a place downtown that should be entertaining. Although, Jonas doesn’t seem all that excited.”
Jonas glances at his brother. “I never said I wasn’t going.”
Axel rolls his eyes, but grins. “He’s so uptight. Well, if you’re about to take off, we’ll leave. I’m glad I got to see you before we left. Don’t go too crazy in New York.”
“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be living on the wild side with my mom in tow.” I chuckle, back up to the sofa, and pick up two blankets from when I was dying on the couch. I smile at Jonas who hands me a third blanket I didn’t see. His eyes cut through my Axel trance and bring a calm to the room, although he says nothing.
With a gesture Axel signals to Logan and Jonas to leave. He pecks me once more, the tingle on my lips gives me hope maybe the dream isn’t combusting. Axel is everything I could want. Fun-loving, incredibly attractive, and to be honest, I’ve never considered much more than that. But as I watch the three guys leave my apartment I wonder if that is enough. Is my dream of loving and being loved by Axel Olsen just that? A dream? Shouldn’t I be clinging to a man who has my heart, cursing that we’ll be separated for the weekend? Shouldn’t he have held me and promised he’d call me each night? Shouldn’t I feel more when my dream-man kisses me? Or is it all a fantasy?
I wave. Axel and Logan are talking and don’t see. But Jonas does. He waves back and I feel like I can breathe normally again.
Chapter 16
“That was amazing!” Mom sighs when we step onto the curb from the Broadway Theatre. It is a frigid night and the city seems to be coming to life when we leave the show. “Did you like it?”
I nod; my cheeks sore from smiling the entire time during the breathtaking scenes. There is singing, and then there is singing. The kind where you can hardly breathe until the echo of the music stops. I tug my black pea coat tighter around my body, the black skirt and knit tights failing to block the bite of the air as we weave through the crowded walk toward the restaurant.
We step into the restaurant lobby moments before my cheeks freeze. Basil and tomatoes with a brilliant scent of oregano warm me from the inside out. When I eat with Mom we eat Italian food. And I don’t protest, it reminds me of my great-grandmother who I only met a handful of times. She immigrated from Sicily. The only trouble with eating from the kitchen of a true Sicilian, my mom and I are extremely picky about our linguini.
It takes another thirty minutes before we’re seated, but instantly Mom and I dig into the fresh herb bread the moment it’s in front of our faces.
“This is awesome, Mom. Thank you for the trip, it’s just what I needed.”
Mom smiles and sips lemon water. “I’m glad we did this too. How are you feeling? Still sick at all?”
I shake my head, my long earrings slap my cheeks. I rarely dress up, but my mother bought me a brand-new outfit and accessories for our trip. Who am I to protest getting a little fancy? “Nope, I feel just fine. I’m a little worried I’ll have some late nights making up for all my classes I missed though.”
“You’ll be fine, you always were a good student.”
Mom and I chat about school until halfway through my ravioli. She stares at her plate, her eyes distant. Her wine-colored lips don’t smile, and I take note how her nails tap along the table.
“Mom, what’s up? You zoned out for a second.”
She grins, slow at first. Her face is beautiful, and sometimes she looks like she could be my sister rather than my mother. Perhaps I know Mom’s expressions too well or maybe it is just that obvious, but I notice a distinct uptick in how many breaths she draws in before she says a word. Something has happened, and it is big.
“Brita, I have a confession. This trip isn’t just for your birthday or a Christmas gift. I wanted some time alone with you.”
I set down my fork, then pick at my freshly manicured nails. “Okay. I’m always up for girl time, but is there a particular reason you wanted to get me alone to where I can’t escape?”
My mom laughs, but she nods. Something is definitely up. “You know it killed me when your dad and I split, and I had to say goodbye to you too. I’m not upset at all that you chose to stay, I completely understood, so don’t think that, okay? I missed being so close to you, but you’ve been happy, right? You weren’t upset that I took my job?”
I reach for her hand. She meets my soft smile with one of her own. “Mom, I’m fine. I’m all grown up and I have a secret, I don’t live with either of my parents most of the year,” I say. “Please don’t tell me you’ve thought I’ve been angry at y
ou all this time.”
“No, of course not,” she says, dabbing at her mouth. “I just want to make it clear that you’re always my number one, no matter how old you get. That’s never going to change.”
“What’s going on?” I ask. My heart quickens.
Mom clears her throat, and crosses her leg. “Brita, I love your dad, I always will. We just…we didn’t work after a while. But he gave me you and…”
“Mother,” I say with a nervous smile. “You’re kind of freaking me out.”
She gives a heady look, long enough to set my heart thudding in nerves, then dips into her purse. I hold my breath, too stunned to say anything when she slips a tasteful diamond ring on the finger. “Todd asked me to marry him,” she says, holding up the ring. “I said yes.”
I meet my mom’s eyes, she studies me, probably to see if I am going into shock. Maybe I am a little. My parents have been divorced for almost three years. They were married at twenty and had me a year later, they are still young. This day has always been inevitable. It still takes me a moment to form any kind of response in my mind.
“Congratulations,” I say softly, taking Mom’s finger.
“Really? You can be honest, don’t keep anything inside. This is the time to get anything out in the open. No judgment.”
I clear my throat and feel my eyes burning with tears. I’m not sad. No, I know the tears didn’t come from a sad place. I thought they would, but thankfully I’m drifting between happiness, stun, and maybe a bit of resistance for change. But not sadness.
“I really mean it, Mom,” I say. “Todd is a great guy. Does…does Dad know?”
Mom nods. “I spoke with him right when you went back to school. He’s okay.”
“He loves you still,” I blurt out. My cheeks heat at the juvenile response.
“I know,” she says. “And I’ll always love him too. We’re some of the lucky ones to be able to be friends even after a divorce. But I care more about your feelings right now.”
“It’s difficult to imagine you with anyone but Dad,” I admit, picking at the bread instead of my nails. “Are you happy?”
Mom nods, her own tears brim along her dark eyes. “I am, Brit. I love Todd so much. He gets me. You were the first person he worried about when he asked because he knows how much you matter to me. He suggested this trip. That’s one reason I love him, because he cares about you. I know you don’t know him well, but I hope you’ll get to know him.”
“Of course, Mom,” I say, wiping my cheeks. “I…you deserve the best, and I want to make sure you get the best.”
Mom wipes silent tears from her own cheeks, but beams as I expect a woman in love might. She breathes out a sigh of relief and hugs me across the table. “Thank you, sweetie. I’ve been so nervous to tell you.”
“So, when is the big day?” I gush when she finally releases me.
“I wanted to do it this summer, but want you to help me plan it. Will you? Please say you will.”
“I wouldn’t miss out on this for anything, but you’re the designer. Now if you want someone to quote books, I’m your girl. This is kind of embarrassing. My mother is getting married for the second time before I’ve even had a whisper of a long-term commitment.”
Mom laughs. “Now, that is something I do want to talk to you about. You need to tell me what’s going on with you and the Olsen boy.”
“He stopped by to see me yesterday,” I say.
Mom raises her eyebrows. “He came from Wisconsin to see you off? That’s…committed.”
“No, they came down for the weekend for other reasons,” I say. “It was good to see him.”
Mom watches me carefully. “Why does it sound like you’re trying to convince yourself of that more than me?”
“I’m not,” I say, a little defensive. Although getting defensive doesn’t seem like the best reaction to make my case. Mom wears a knowing smirk. Rolling my eyes, I finally settle back in my seat and admit something I really hate admitting. “I don’t know, I just didn’t feel the way I should have felt.”
“How should you have felt?”
“If I was head over heels for someone then I thought it would be different, you know?”
Mom smiles. “Like the movies?”
I shake my head. “I don’t need it to be like the movies, but I thought it would feel…happy. I was self-conscious about others seeing us the entire time.”
“Well, what do you like about him?”
“He’s a nice guy,” I begin. “He’s fun to be around, he’s respectful, he’s good looking.”
“Brita, you’ve only gone out with him a few times, right?”
“Yeah, what difference does that make?”
“Well, you really don’t know much about him to be thinking you’re head over heels. You’ve only started. It will take more time to know if he’s your guy. I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to hear me,” Mom says, a funny look on her face.
“I’m listening, I’ve been listening the entire time,” I whine.
“You’re my favorite daughter, but you tend to take ideas very literal and overthink the smallest of things.”
“What? I do not.”
“Yes, you do,” she says. “It’s not a bad thing—not all the time, but right now I can see your cogs hard at work about Axel. You can’t force it. That’s what I’m trying to say. If he’s the one that knows you inside and out, if he’s the one who will be by your side through everything, then fantastic. Relax sweetie, you’ll never get this time back. Enjoy your last few months at school, enjoy Axel, but don’t force love if it isn’t there. When you fall in love it will slap you upside the head. It will feel…natural, easy.”
“But love isn’t easy,” I say.
Mom sighs, I know she is thinking of my dad. “No, it isn’t always easy and sometimes it fades. Sometimes other things make it so love isn’t enough. I don’t want you to worry about making a long-distance thing work the entire time you’re at school—you’ve only seen him a handful of times. Don’t be afraid to go out and have fun too. You’ll know if it turns into something more than just making-out in a car.”
I blush, we did have a good time in the front seat of Axel’s car. But I start to feel better. She lists all the reasons to stop fretting if Axel is the one who’ll plant a ring like hers on my finger. We are new, and he’s been sweet. That’s enough for now.
“What about his brother, you two are becoming good friends, right?” Mom asks as she takes her credit card from the black payment book.
“Jonas? Talk about different twins,” I say, helping Mom with her jacket. “Jonas can be so quiet, he’ll say nothing but still, you can’t help but enjoy his company. Axel talks with everyone and teases about everything. Well, so does Jonas. Sometimes he spouts off these little jabs that make me laugh for hours.” I’m rambling, but I can’t stop. “He’s also unsure about certain things, while Axel always seems so confident. Jonas shared a few things that make him uneasy, sort of makes me feel better knowing I’m not the only one who feels vulnerable. But when you need Jonas, he’s a brick of confidence and strength.”
“Meaning?”
“Like when I was sick, the man stayed in the bathroom the entire time I threw up—then he kept coming back to check on me. Jonas has this way that lets you know he’s listening too, you know? It’s what Jane first noticed about him; I think it’s his eyes. They focus on you and he just listens. He cares what other people have to say. Personally, I feel like that’s an awesome quality today, don’t you?” I barrel on before she can answer. “He’s been a bit of a lifesaver at times, and I wish we’d been friends sooner. I think we both let the feud stop us from getting to know each other.”
Mom stares at me with a crinkled expression by the time I stop talking. The corners of her mouth are curled.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing,” she says and steps into the car taking us to our hotel. “Nothing, I just feel like I know one of the twins better than th
e other.”
I don’t know what to say. I about blew a gasket spilling all the little things I’ve learned since Christmas break. I know a lot, she’s right, about one twin. This is backward, and I don’t think I can bury my head in the sand much longer.
Mom nudges me. “I’m glad you’ve found such a good friend.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. A friend. “Me too.”
That night, long after Mom has gone to sleep, I send two text messages. The same one to each Olsen brother.
My mom told me she’s engaged.
My eyes flutter closed before any replies came. Every inch of my body feels heavy from rich pasta, laughing, and all the excitement of the city. In the morning I have two new messages. Now that the thrill of the night has faded, I ponder more on the reasons why I sent messages to both. Why it had mattered to hear from both. Am I testing them? Betraying them? Am I this person who balances hearts in two palms? I’m ashamed that I don’t have an answer just yet.
I reread Axel’s text. Short and so very Axel.
Very cool. Awesome news.
He is excited for our family, for me, for Mom. He cares, that’s all I need to know, right? But after a moment of skimming back and forth through the messages, I stop trying to figure out why I find more comfort in Jonas’s response. I know why. He gets me and the entire purpose of the text.
How are you doing with it? Need me to make a dart board with Todd’s name? Or should we help your mom pick out color schemes? You tell me, I’m good either way. Maybe not with the colors, but I could taste test cake. Seriously though, you good?
I respond to Jonas.
Color schemes. It’s a good thing, but a little hard too. Thanks for asking.
I wonder if Axel will still be in town tomorrow when I get back. I think I need to take Mom’s advice. Give things time. I can still be friendly with his twin, still learn things about his brother. I’ll learn things about Axel too, and I’m sure the feelings will come strong again.