by Emily Childs
Logan laughs and I would like to punch him. “Oh, Brit. Ax dates a lot of people. I know he viewed you two as just having a good time together.”
“Sure, just a good time,” I say, feeling sick. All those times we spent together I actually thought…and on my birthday weekend he was out with another girl. I remember that night, sitting on the bench with Jonas. My stomach flops over and over like a storm. Jonas told me Axel wasn’t home. “Logan, did Jonas know about all this?”
Please say no.
“Brita, Brita. They’re twins.”
I guess I’m supposed to get something from that.
“They have the same type, and Ax usually sets Jonas up with girls he dates too. By the way you were all over Jonas out there, looks like you’re the flavor of the month.” Logan starts to laugh, but the sound fades when I clutch my stomach to keep from heaving. “Brita are you upset? Come on, you had to know with the history of your families. It wasn’t real, not like real, real. Don’t tell me you fell for that.”
“Hey you,” Jane snaps. “Shut up.” She turns to me, arms on my shoulders. “What’s going on in your mind?”
I’m already walking toward the exit. “You heard him,” I say, a wash of dizziness comes. I hold onto the wall until it passes. “Logan’s right, I did fall for him.”
“Whoa, maybe you ought to talk to him.”
I think I will throw up if I talk to him right now. I shake my head. “No, it makes sense, Janey. He’s never talked to Axel, because he probably already knows.” I grip my hair. “I’m an idiot. It’s what twins do, I’m their flavor.”
So that’s what this is. That’s why Axel doesn’t care, that’s why Jonas never talks about the fact that I’ve dated his brother. It doesn’t matter to them. I’m a girl passed between brothers.
My heart breaks into a thousand pieces when I see Jonas. He smiles, holding my coat.
“Ready to go?” he asks.
“Is this a game to you?” I snatch my coat from his hands.
“What?”
“Is it a game? You and Axel, both seeing if you can get the Jacobson girl?”
“Brita I have—” Jonas starts.
“I’m not just something you can share between the two of you,” I say, my voice breaking.
I storm past him, Jane fumbles a bit as she bounces between Jonas and me, but in the end she follows me.
“Brita,” Jonas calls out, tugging on my elbow and following me out into the night. A soft rain begins to fall, the drops frigid like snow, but I don’t feel the cold. “What are you talking about?”
I wheel on him, while Jane slinks off, hopefully going to get her car. “All this time you knew Axel was seeing tons of girls, yet you let me believe I was the only one. You lied for him. What was your part of the deal? That you get some of me too?”
Jonas tightens his mouth and looks at the sky. “How could you think that?” His voice is strained and dark.
“Did you know? Tell me, Jonas.”
“Alright, yes. I knew Axel wasn’t exclusive with anyone. But how could I tell you? I didn’t want to hurt you. After Christmas, you acted like he was your boyfriend. I told him that you saw the relationship that way, but he didn’t believe me. I should have told you, but I thought it would just fizzle naturally if I stepped back. I’m sorry.”
“So instead you thought you’d keep me company in the meantime and move things along? You brothers know how to share, huh?”
Jonas presses closer, his voice filled with barely contained fury. “What do you mean by that?”
“Logan told me everything,” I cry. My tears are hot and painful. “He told me how Axel sets you up with girls he dates. That I’m the flavor of the month. How fun it must have been to conquer the enemy. To get me to fall for the both of you.”
Jonas reaches for my hand, but I rip it back. “I don’t know what Logan said, but you’re wrong. Brita, you think I would do and say everything just to mess with you?”
Headlights pull up behind us. Jane is brilliant and did go to get her car. She knows the night is over. Glancing back at Jonas, I shake my head. “You know, I planned to tell you that I love you tonight. Not like you; I fell in love with you, Jonas.”
“Brita…”
“No,” I hold up my hand. “I fell for it all. You and Axel won.” Speaking of Axel, I see him, and Logan rush out into the parking lot. They look around until they catch sight of me marching right up to Jonas’s face.
Jonas doesn’t back down and takes my hand. I love his touch; that hurts even more. Standing in the rain, I tremble in rage, or a broken heart, or both. “I would never do that to you,” he says. “Because I love you too.”
I gently take my hand from his. “You lied to me Jonas, for so long. I really can’t believe you right now.”
“Can’t, or won’t?”
I hold my breath and back away. “This has been one pitfall after the other. My life was fine before…before you. I think I’ve had my fill of Olsen brothers for now. I’m going to go. I’ll see you in class.”
“Brita, don’t leave,” he pleads.
I slip quickly into the passenger side of Jane’s car and slam the door. Jonas calls my name when Axel and Logan join him. He slaps his hand on the roof of the car, but I only turn toward Jane.
“Please go,” I whisper. “Let’s get out of here.”
She nods sadly, but she doesn’t say anything. Jane drives me away from Jonas and lets me crumble on her front seat.
***
I leave a note for my family stating Jane and I went home. I know they will need an explanation about my quick departure eventually, but it can wait until tomorrow, or next week. Jane and I say little on the way home. The second I walk into our apartment I sluff my bag off my shoulder, strip out of my new dress, and shower, wiping away all memories of the night. But some things don’t wash away with soap and water.
I step into the kitchen after I am scrubbed and in my pajamas. Jane is on the phone, her back turned away, but I know exactly who is on the other end.
“Joe, just give her a little time, okay? Yeah. Yeah. I will. Okay, bye,” she whispers. My eyes burn again thinking of Jonas, but then I feel angry all in one painful emotion.
“Hey,” Jane says when I take a curled position on the couch. “That was Jonas. He, uh, says he really wants to talk when you’re ready. He says he loves you, Brit.”
“Of course, he does, he’s been caught in a lie,” I mutter, but inside what I want is to go back in time to the moment we danced and held each other.
Jane holds the basket of chocolate bars and smiles at me cautiously.
I wrap a blanket around my shoulders. “Sorry, Janey. I don’t think chocolate is going to fix this.” Jane finds a place next to me, her eyes soft and patient as she waits for me to say anything. “Do you believe Jonas?” I ask after a few new tears well in my eyes.
“All I’m going to say is, think of the source.”
I bite my bottom lip. Logan. His stupid love of our families feuding has been a thorn in my side since high school. I’ve never liked Logan, but I love Jonas. My stomach turns, coiling like barbed wire as I bury my face in my hands. “What did I just do, Janey?”
Jane sighs and leans forward on her knees. “Brit, I’ve seen you at crazy ends of the emotion spectrum this semester. Euphorically happy and now . . . this. What made you turn on him so quickly? I gotta say, it’s sort of like you wanted a reason to prove this wasn’t going to work.”
“No,” I insist. “That’s not it. I just—” But what? Maybe she’s right. First, Axel was a fantasy I never believed I could ever have. A secret that, when I truly think about it, I never plotted out when I’d tell my family about him because I’m not sure I ever planned to. Then knowing Jonas, loving his shyness, his gentle hands, the way he understood my worries, maybe I allowed my own prejudice that we would never be accepted interfere.
I hold a hand over my chest when it feels as though my heart will break through my ribs. Did I give in
to the broken families at the first bump in the road?
“I think you’re following me,” Jane says softly.
My phone rings before I can answer. I lick my lips and look at Jane. “It’s Axel.”
“Your choice if you answer or not.”
She leaves me, and like a coward I wish she’d come do this part for me. My hand trembles as I answer the call.
“Brita?” Axel says when the pause extends to an uncomfortable silence.
“Is he there?” I croak out.
“No,” he says; I’ve never heard Axel Olsen sound so somber. I doubt he’s smiling like he always does. “But maybe you’ll tell me what’s going on and why Jonas just about broke Logan’s jaw.”
“Can’t say I’m sorry to hear that.”
Axel laughs softly. “Logan admitted what he said. I guess, I ought to apologize first. I sincerely had no idea I’d given the impression we were exclusive. Brit, I like you, and wouldn’t ever want to hurt your feelings.”
I rub the bridge of my nose, forcing the burn behind my eyes to simmer to an ache.
“Now,” Axel goes on, “I’m switching to brother mode. What are you thinking? You really believe Jonas and me would be jerks like that? That we’d use you?”
I feel like an idiot. There isn’t another way to put it. I’m wholly embarrassed when my voice cracks. “I was angry, and I think part of me believed maybe it was only a matter of time before it ended because of the family history.”
“Well, that’s stupid,” Axel says. He definitely isn’t smiling.
“You’re not making me feel any better, I hope you know.”
“I’m not sure I called to make you feel better. But listen, Jonas will kill me if he finds out I’m doing this, but as his brother I’m asking you to please talk to him.”
I wrap some of my hair around my fingers and close my eyes. “What can I say?” I have plenty of things to say to Jonas, but in my head I can’t think of a way to explain all this without sounding cowardly, and probably ridiculous. And then there is the small piece of me that’s still upset with him for lying about Axel. Bottom line, tonight I’m a mess.
“I don’t get you, Brita. You tell him that you love him, then leave like it’s over, now you won’t talk to him?”
“I want to talk to him,” I say, a little stronger than before. “But, I just . . . I needed to figure things out.”
“What’s to figure out?” Playful Axel Olsen sounds like he’s nearly growling. It’s unnerving. “Do you love him?”
I nod, then remember he can’t see me. “Yes.”
“Then talk to him. I see no problems. Honestly, I think make up fights turn into some of the best memories, if you know what I mean.”
Ah, there is the crass humor coming back out. I sniff, allowing a few tears to finally fall. “I’ve always pleased people.” Why am I admitting this to Axel? “Always done what others wanted. I caved so easily tonight, and I think Jonas deserves more than that. He deserves so much.”
Axel is quiet for a long time. For a second I think he hung up. Then he speaks softly, nothing teasing in his voice. “I’m glad you love him, Brit. Figure it out, would you? Because you make him happy.”
We end the phone call with Axel finally admitting Jonas is angry, but that’s no excuse not to talk (he reminded me of that three times) then with me promising I’d talk with him when tensions die down.
I think of what this means, and am ashamed to admit I did take an easy way out. I avoided hurting my family, allowed the feud to weasel between us, I mean come on, how could a Jacobson loving an Olsen actually work?
But I’ve always done this. Always said what the Swedish bakers wanted or needed to hear, like my future career. Now, I pushed away a man I fell crazy, undeniably in love with.
I’m no Viking. I’m a coward.
And that ends tonight.
Chapter 24
Time heals all wounds.
Pfft, that is what I have to say about that. When Jonas doesn’t answer my calls for three days, I start to believe some wounds are too deep to heal.
The first Tuesday after the dinner fiasco, I sit in my lonely corner while Nicholls lectures. My skin heats, and I wonder if Jonas is looking at me. I look up once and he hurriedly shifts in his seat, looking away. When the class ends there is no avoiding each other.
I slip out before the rush of students, and cling to my messenger bag’s strap as though it is the only solid thing. Waiting for him feels like hours, yet he’s there too soon. Those vibrant blue eyes draw me in, tossing me about, leaving me aching for his hands in my, his lips on my skin.
I don’t let the storm inside show. I try to remain flat, afraid of my heart cracking when I’ve only just started piecing it back together.
He clears his throat and stands maybe a pace away. “So, I—”
“Axel called me.” I’m nervous, and blurt things when I’m nervous.
Jonas raises a brow. “What? He called you?” He shakes his head. “I’m going to kill him.”
He turns around as though he plans to walk away. Stop him! But I stand there, frozen like a marble statue, not knowing how to react. Then Jonas pauses, his hand at the ready to push the door open to leave the building.
“No,” he says. “You know what, I have something I need to say to you.”
Good, this is happening. An angry make up fight, right here in the English building. I crack my thumb knuckles as Jonas stalks back toward me, my cheeks drain of blood, and I’m likely ghostly pale by the time he stops. Close enough I can touch him.
“Brita,” he says. “You believed Logan over me.”
“I know . . .” I begin, but Jonas steps closer and I forget how to breathe.
“I’ve been so mad,” he says, but his voice is soft. “But worse is how I’ve hardly been able to function. I never understood the term heartache, until I watched you drive away the other night.” Jonas swallows hard. “Then I realized, when you told me that you thought you were some game with Axel and me, I wasn’t upset with you. I was angry at myself.”
“Why?” I ask, finding my voice. Everything tumbles into chaos again, but a beautiful chaos.
“Because,” he says. “If you could think that, then I didn’t show you how much you mean to me. So, before I walk out of here, I’m going to tell you. I need you to know how I feel.” A tremble comes to his voice. Vulnerable, perfect, and sincere, he meets my eye. “You should know, I started to like you when you got stuck in the trash cans and tried to brush it off as a slip on the ice.”
I huff and look out the window. “I did slip on ice.”
“No, you didn’t,” he says and takes a heart-stopping inch closer. “But that’s not where it ends. I started to fall for you when we jammed out in my car.” Another step. Jonas’s body brushes against mine now. “And I knew I’d fallen in love with you the night you got sick.”
“What? How could that—”
“I’m not finished.” Those hands that touch so gently trap my face. My lip quivers when he nudges my chin up. I meet his eye.
“That night,” he says. “I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I want to take care of you; be with you. I want to talk about your obsession with books, and eat gummy worms with you. I should have told you about Axel. I convinced myself I was protecting your feelings, and his, in a way. I’m sorry. Axel isn’t malicious, just an idiot, and you weren’t a game.”
I try to look away, but he won’t allow it so I lean into him instead. I love the way Jonas holds my face between his palms, the soft brush of his thumbs on my cheeks.
He drops his smile and looks at me with new intensity. “I was in love with you that night, Brita, and I’m in love with you now. You’re not just a girl to pass around. You’re the one I want to be with. I need you in my life, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to prove that to you.”
My heart lights on fire, burning a hole in the center of my body. Gently, I draw my hands along his chest before I wrap my arms around
his waist. Our bodies melt together.
“You want all this?” I whisper. “The stubborn, overthinking, Jacobson enemy?”
Jonas smiles, his thumb passes over my lips. A touch, barely there, then it moves to my jaw, my chin. I never want it to end. His lips brush mine when he answers. “Every single piece.”
I stand on my toes, pull his lips to mine, and I let Jonas kiss me as long as Jonas Olsen wants to kiss me. Fingers in my hair, one hand on the small of my back, pressing me against him. There remains no room between us, yet we’re not close enough. I breathe in everything. The time we’ve spent apart now sparks against our lips as he kisses me.
He smiles against my mouth when we come up for air.
“I love you,” I say against his skin. “And that is what I should’ve said the other night.”
Those words are enough to pull me back in for more. I’m not sure how long we stand there, our bags at our feet, kissing as students skirt around us to get to classes, but it doesn’t last long enough.
Pulling back, he brushes hair off my brow, resting his forehead on mine. “You know we still have a problem.”
“What?” I wrap my arms around his waist.
“I’m in this, Brit, and that means we’ve got family to tell.”
Groaning, my head falls to his chest. He laughs, the rumble of the sound pulses through me, and I think I can forget the drearier truth that we will need to confess to our families, and soon. The way Jonas sends a bright shock through my blood whenever he touches me, avoiding him at home, pretending we are enemies, well, that simply won’t be possible.
***
Dreary February drifts to a brighter, warmer March. Jonas is wonderful, have I said that enough yet? When I think how I nearly ran from him, my stomach twists in hard knots.
Midterms are hardly survivable, and I pity Jonas who still has one more test. Working on my capstone paper while he sits next to me studying on a Friday night isn’t a glamorous sight. Me in fuzzy socks and an oversized sweatshirt (Jonas looks amazing in his gray sweats and T-shirt, so he is the exception here) and him with headphones, studying Advanced Business Law.